In every friendship there are times when that friendship is sorely tested and Iolaus knew this was going to be one of those times. The hour was late, the night was cold, the town was small, the one inn was nearly full, and the one bed in the one empty room was woefully inadequate for an exhausted but strapping demi-god and his equally exhausted best friend. There's no way in Tartarus we're both gonna fit in that thing,' Iolaus thought grimly. Somebody was sleeping on the floor tonight and the hunter was certain he knew who was getting the honor. He signed with resignation and began spreading his blanket on the floor. "What are you doing?" Hercules asked from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed removing his boots. Iolaus didn't say a word. He just looked pointedly at Herc, then at the bed, then back at Herc. Cocking an eyebrow and crossing his arms, the hunter waited for Herc to connect the dots.
"Oh, come on, I'm not that big!" Hercules protested.
Iolaus rolled his eyes skyward.
"I'm insulted," Herc replied, miffed. He dropped the other boot and stood to gesture at the bed.
"You're being silly. There's plenty of room."
Iolaus still didn't open his mouth; he just raised the other eyebrow.
"Yes, really," Herc responded, unbuckling his gauntlets and dropping them onto the seat of the wood chair that was the only other piece of furniture in the room. His pants and shirts were folded and dropped on top. Clad in his undershirt and breechcloth, Herc unfolded and spread the blanket provided by the inn, adding his own on top. Turning down the covers, he looked at Iolaus and patted the bed invitingly.
Iolaus stood, arms crossed, tapping his foot.
Herc signed, climbed in, wriggled around until he was comfy, and sighed again, this time with pleasure.
"Sooo much more comfortable than the cold, hard ground or," he glared at his stubborn friend, "The cold, hard floor."
Iolaus didn't move a muscle.
"Oh, alright, suit yourself," Hercules grumbled, turning his back on his friend and snuggling his cheek into one of the pillows. 'Can't say I didn't offer," he mumbled, eyes closing.
Iolaus fumed, glaring back and forth from the bed to the blanket on the floor while contemplating the unfairness of life. After several moments he gave up and spread his blanket on top of Herc's and sat down to pull off his own boots.
"Move over," Iolaus growled, shoving Herc's broad back. The half-asleep demi-god smiled to himself as he scooted over as far as possible (which wasn't far) and felt Iolaus snuggle and fit himself against Herc's back. The hunter was still grumbling about the stupidity of innkeepers with single beds as Hercules slipped into sleep.
Peaceful snoring filled the room. For a while.
He was trapped beneath a large, heavy weight, which was pressing inexorably on his chest and legs, crushing the breath from his lungs. He gasped out Herc's name, and from some impossible distance the demi-god answered, his voice muffled. Desperately, Iolaus pushed against the crushing weight and felt it shift slightly even as Herc's voice drifted through the darkness again. Another push and the weight lifted and Iolaus scrambled from under it before Herc's grip could slip. Then he was falling...
"How'd I end up here?" Iolaus groggily asked the floor he was kissing.
Even half-asleep, he could think of pleasanter things to kiss.
Herc's eyes appeared over the edge of the bed, blinking drowsily.
"What you doing down there?" he asked, yawning.
"Dunno. Think I fell out," Iolaus replied.
"Oh," Herc responded intelligently as he collapsed back out of sight. The bed creaked alarmingly.
Iolaus crawled up the side to find Herc sprawled out on his back, snoring. The hunter paused, a half-memory flitting across his fuzzy brain.
A crushing weight...Herc calling his name...crawling out from under the weight...
The blonde regarded his friend with a gimlet eye and poked him savagely in the arm.
"Wha?" Herc mumbled.
"You rolled over on top of me, that's what!"
"Sorry," Herc muttered, cracking open one eye. Weakly, he lifted one hand and made a vague twisting motion. "Want me to turn over?"
"Nah," Iolaus replied. He poked he arm again. "Lift."
"Huh?"
"Up," Iolaus commanded.
Hercules obediently lifted his right arm and Iolaus nestled in, head cushioned on his friend's shoulder, right leg draped over Herc's. He reached and pulled Herc's arm down around his shoulders and waist. "There," he said with satisfaction.
"Iolaus, this looks..."
"I don't care what it looks like as long as you don't roll over on top of me again. Hand me that other pillow, will ya? Your shoulder's bony."
Herc shrugged to himself and tucked the blankets in around them as Iolaus draped the not-very-fluffy pillow on his shoulder and made himself as comfortable as possible.
"Night, Herc," the hunter mumbled, the warmth soothing him back into dreamland.
"Night, Iolaus," Herc yawned, nestling his chin into the curls on the top of Iolaus' head.
Moments later, snoring once again filled the room.
He was facing off with the Hydra again, only this time instead of seven snake head it had seven sweet little baby faces that bore a striking resemblance to its father, Typhon. Each and every face was scrunched up and crying for its mommy. He just couldn't stand it any longer; the sight of this lost little baby monster was breaking his heart.
"Don't cry, little darlin's," he crooned soothingly, as he stood up from behind the rock. "Uncle Iolaus is here. I'll take you to your Mommy."
All seven not-so-little faces snapped in his direction as seven pairs of eyes lit up.
"MOMMY!" cried seven shrill voices as tears were replaced with happy smiles.
Iolaus grinned back, envisioning the joyful reunion to come.
"Mommy! You came!" shrieked the Hydra as it lumbered straight for the hunter.
"No, I'm not your Mommy, I'm going to take you to Mommy," Iolaus tried to explain, backing up hastily, but the happy Hydra was having none of it.
"We LUV you, Mommy!" all seven heads crooned as they swooped down, twining around his legs, smothering him with wet, sloppy, kisses.
"I'm not Mommy!" Iolaus protested, thrashing around and trying to escape the baby Hydra's damp embrace. He didn't want to hurt the little fellow, but he had to get away....
Something was poking and thrashing about in Herc's arms, bruising his ribs. From somewhere he heard Iolaus cry "Hydra!" and he reacted instantly, shoving the thrashing shape away.
"Owch!" Iolaus complained, discovering that landing on his backside wasn't a bit more comfortable than landing on his frontside.
"Hydra!" Hercules gasped, kneeling on the bed and looking about frantically.
"Where?" Ioluas demanded, leaping to his feet and crouching defensively.
"Here!" Herc gulped, waving his arms around vaguely, his heartrate slowing as his brain processed the information that there was not a Hydra in the room with them.
Iolaus straightened. "You, too, huh?" he asked sympathetically as he picked his pillow up from the floor.
"Me, too, what?" Herc asked, wondering why in the world he was kneeling on the bed.
"You, too, nightmares about the Hydra," Iolaus explained.
The friends smiled sheepishly at each other.
Hercules sighed and lay back down.
"Lift," Iolaus commanded gently, after lifting the blankets from the floor and spreading them over Herc. Crawling in, he brushed against the demi-gods ribs and Herc flinched.
"Not there," Herc said, pushing at Iolaus' hip. "Crawl over."
Iolaus grumbled and started to crawl over. Midway, he stopped, straddling Herc's thighs.
Herc sighed again and opened his eyes to see Iolaus smiling down at him, a gleam in his eye.
"Whatever you're thinking of doing, you can un-think it," Herc informed him shortly, eyes closing once more.
"Herkieeee, we're awake anyway," Iolaus said softly.
Herc didn't even bother to re-open his eyes.
"I'm tired, Iolaus. I just want to sleep," he mumbled.
Iolaus crawled the rest of the way over to snuggle in the cusp of Herc's shoulder, muttering all the while about how some people were 'no fun'.
Moments later, the walls were vibrating from their combined snores.
He was lying on his back, blinking up at a cave ceiling and wondering how he had gotten there. Turning to his right, he saw Hercules nestled beside him, sleeping soundly. Then he did a double-take.
The slumbering demi-god was wearing a frilly bonnet, matching diaper, and powder-blue booties with tiny bells on the toes. Herc was peacefully sucking his thumb and clutching a stuffed blue bunny.
What in Tartarus?!
Iolaus sat up and looked down on himself with a sense of dread. Dear Gods, he was wearing a diaper and booties too, only his were lavender to match the stuffed bunny by his side. Cautiously, he reached up to pat his head and felt something an awful lot like a frilly bonnet.
How? Who?.. WHY?!
ARES! Iolaus reasoned. That's it! Ares has finally flipped out! He can't kill us, so he's gonna embarrass us to death instead.
"Oh, look, Snoogums! One of the babies is awake," crooned a deep voice overhead.
Iolaus looked up...and up, into the face of Typhon, husband of Echidna. A huge grin split the huge face gazing back at him.
"Come quick, Dear," Typhon bellowed happily, "Little Iolie sat up all by himself!"
Echidna came into view, smiling and clapping her tentacles.
"Oh, what a little ssssweetheart you are," she crooned, "How proud Mommy and Daddy are of you!" The tentacles swept down, winding around Iolaus and lifting him.
"Come to Mommy, Sssssweetheart. Let Mommy give her big boy a kissss," she hissed lovingly, lifting Iolaus towards her.
"Too tight!" Iolaus gasped. Gods, she was crushing him...
Iolaus snapped awake to find Herc moaning softly in his sleep, clutching Iolaus tightly. Gasping for air, the hunter slapped weakly at Herc's arms while trying to wriggle free.
"Herc!" he croaked, "Leggo! Can't breathe!"
"Hmph?" Herc mumbled, relaxing his grip just as Iolaus gave a particularly violent wiggle. The hunter tumbled right off the bed.
Herc didn't even wake up this time
Iolaus climbed to his feet, cursing softly and rubbing his by now bruised posterior. Shivering a little, the cold of the night seeming colder after the warmth of the bed, he glared miserably down upon his peacefully sleeping partner. What was with Herc and all the grabbing tonight?
'You'd think I was his favorite cuddle toy or something,' the hunter thought. The image of Baby Herckie popped into his brain, blue booties and bunny and all, and Iolaus grinned and giggled, regretting that drawing wasn't one of his many talents. Now, there was an image for the ages!
Spirits elevated, Iolaus hugged himself while contemplating the problem. He couldn't just stand here in nothing but his breechcloth all night, but his unscheduled trips to the floor were getting old.
'I'm too close to the edge,' Iolaus realized. Sleeping Herc wasn't trying to toss him out; he was trying to keep Iolaus from falling out.
'Doing a fantastic job of it so far, Big Guy,' Iolaus thought and winced as he rubbed his rear again. Ok, there had to be some position in which Herc would feel he was safe and Iolaus could sleep secure in the knowledge his best friend wasn't going to crush every bone in his body while trying to 'protect' him.
Iolaus sighed. 'Oh well, what's a little drool between friends?' he thought resignedly. He reached under the covers to lightly tickle Herc's ribs and the snoozing demi-god rolled away from the contact like always and onto his side, back to the hunter. Iolaus scampered around the bed (boy was it cold in here!) and slid in, firmly snuggling against Herc's chest. Herc snuffled and snuggled back, burying his face into the curls on the back of Iolaus' neck, breath warm in his ear. Slowly, Herc's body warmed the shivering hunter and Iolaus felt his eyes droop, his breathing slow. Moments later he began to snore softly just as Herc began drooling down the back of his neck.
He was standing on the edge of a cliff. A bitterly cold wind whistled up from the black depths beyond the edge, chilling his face and arms. He tried to back away, but there was a warm, solid form behind him, blocking his way, breath hot in his ear. The form began pressing against his back, forcing him towards the edge, as it's hot spittle spilled down his neck.
But he was Iolaus, warrior and hero, friend to Hercules, and he wasn't about to let some heavy breather push him off any cliff. With grim determination, he began pushing back.
Herc shivered. He hated the cold and there was a cold breeze coming up over the edge of this cliff and right up his back. He tried to step forward, but a faceless, solid form blocked him, pressing him back towards the cliff edge, trying to push him over. But he was Hercules, son of Zeus, friend of Iolaus, and he wasn't going over without a fight. Teeth set, he began pushing back.
A grim battle commenced, each pushing against the other, refusing to give an inch.
Iolaus growled in his sleep and shoved back hard with his hips.
"Hey!" Hercules protested from the floor, which, like the bed, was still vibrating from the impact.
Iolaus' eyes appeared, peering over the edge of the bed. "Ooops, sorry about that, Big Guy," he mumbled sheepishly. Inside, he thought gleefully, 'Serves you right!'
Herc sighed and pushed himself to his feet.
"Scoot," he commanded. Iolaus rolled right off the bed, instead. Herc frowned at him.
"Don't be silly, Iolaus. Get back in bed," Herc said grumpily.
Iolaus shook his head. "Lay down on your tummy," he instructed. Herc eyed him dubiously.
Iolaus yawned. "Just lay down already, ok?"
Herc gave up and crawled on the bed, collapsing on his stomach and stuffing a pillow under his cheek. Iolaus yawned again and crawled on also, draping himself over the demi-god's back and pulling the beleaguered covers over them both as best he could.
"Thish ishn't very comfordable," Herc protested through the pillow.
"Shut up and sleep," Iolaus replied, settling the other pillow between Herc's shoulder blades. Herc was right- this wasn't comfortable, but it was also the only darned position they hadn't tried yet.
There was no longer any question of the hunter sleeping on the floor. This was a personal challenge now, and Iolaus was not one to back down from a challenge. No, he met challenges head-on, with bravery, determination, and, yes, a little stubbornness.
Nestling onto Herc's back, Iolaus dropped off to sleep once more, completely unaware that he was sucking on a stray strand of Herc's hair.
He shifted uneasily, trying vainly to get comfortable. What was wrong?
There was a small, warm, weight stretched on his back. Oh. Pan, his cat, actually his and Iolaus' cat, was snoozing on his back again. Darn.
Pan had grown from the tiny handful of fluff they had brought home into a cat of truly impressive proportions. A very, very affectionate cat of truly impressive proportions who loved nothing better than to catch Hercules sleeping on his stomach so that he could stretch out on the young demi-god's back and snooze.
He supposed Iolaus would push Pan off for him; he could hear his best friend snoring away, though the snore was a bit muffled. 'Probably snoring while sleeping on his tummy,' Herc thought fondly. His Momma said Iolaus wasn't supposed to be able to snore while sleeping on his tummy, but Iolaus managed it anyway. Herc wasn't suprised. Iolaus could do just about everything.
Oh dear, Pan was sucking on his hair again. Herc HATED it when Pan sucked on his hair. Next the cat would start drooling.
'Oh no you don't, cat,' Herc thought groggily. He didn't need Iolaus for this; Herc knew just how to get Pan off his back. Clutching the covers to his chest, he rolled over on his side quickly, back to the edge of the bed, and smiled smugly to himself as he felt the annoying weight slide right off with a startled little noise and hit the floor with a soft thud. Still smiling, he dropped back to sleep.
Iolaus sat up and glared balefully at the bed. That did it. The Iolausian temper was awake, it was focused, and it was plotting revenge. With a truly evil smile, Iolaus reached up and grabbed the edge of the mattress...
On the floor below, the innkeeper and his wife sat awake in the darkness, listening to the odd, intermittent thumps, thuds, and curses. The innkeeper, a usually jolly man, was rapidly losing his patience.
Overhead, there was another thud. "That was the fifth time!" the innkeeper hissed at his petite wife. "One more time and I'm going to have to give them back their money and toss them out, nice or not. It's nothing short of a miracle that they haven't woken up all the other guests by now!"
His wife nodded sadly. They had seemed like such nice men, even if they had shown up so late, well after dark, and the night was bitterly cold, too cold for sleeping rough. Still, she could see her husband's reasoning.
She had a pretty good idea of what was causing the racket. She was petite, but her husband wasn't, and she, too, had fallen (or been pushed) out of their shared bed more than once during their many happy years of marriage. She made a silent vow to herself to visit the cabinet-maker's in the morning to see about getting a new, much larger, bed for the attic room.
The bed suddenly rocked from the force of the next thud, considerably louder than the others. It was followed by a series of smaller, much more rapid thuds and what sounded like-giggles?!
"That does it!" the innkeeper announced, leaping from bed to pull on his pants. "That one rattled the windows!" As if to confirm the complaint, a small wall ivory fell with a clatter.
"They're out!" the innkeeper said firmly, marching out of the room and up the stairs, fuming.
But he was a kind man, the night was very cold, and the strangers had been very nice indeed. Despite the lateness of the hour, one had helped him bring in the wood for the morning fire while the other had cheerfully fetched a bucket of water from the well for his wife, kissing her hand after and drawing a blush to her lovely face. He hesitated outside the door. All right, he would give them a warning and one last chance before tossing them out.
He cracked open the door to be greeted by the unmistakable sound of snoring in two different keys. Oh, they were out, all right, out like a couple of snuffed candles. Whatever horseplay they had been up to, they had finally worn themselves out. Smiling, he gently pulled the door closed and back to his wife and his bed.
When his wife quietly peeked in the next morning, she found the two heroes back-to-back and sound asleep on the tiny mattress, an accomplishment made easier by the fact that the mattress was now resting firmly on the floor, where it had landed after Iolaus had yanked it off the bed the night before. Smiling, she too gently pulled the door closed, letting them sleep.
About an hour later, Herc's eyes slid open to squint against the bright sunlight streaming in from around the edges of the shutter. He smiled and nudged his shoulder against the warm form against his back
"Iolieee, you awake yet? Want to pillow-fight again?" he asked softly.
"No," Iolaus answered curtly, burrowing further into the covers.
"And some people say I'm no fun," Herc grumbled, doing the same. Sixty seconds later the windows were rattling gently from their combined snores.
The End
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