"No! No, Aphrodite. A thousand times no! I will not bail you out of trouble again. And that is final!"

The Goddess of Love stamped her pretty foot. "But Hercola, you owe me."

"No, I don't, we're even. So go away. Iolaus and I have work to do"

Aphrodite pouted and let her blue eyes fill with tears. "Puh-lease, Herkie." She pleaded. "Daddy's soooo mad at me. And you're his favorite. I know if you would just talk to him�."

"No! and don't call me Herkie."

"But you don't understand. He's really, really, really mad. He says he going to demote me. I could end up the Goddess of�of�Livestock or something." She made a face. "Yuck! I could end up mucking out stables."

Iolaus grinned at her cheekily. "The exercise will do you good, Aphrodite. Looks like you've put on a little weight."

"Oh, you little�" Aphrodite huffed. "How dare you! You take that back or�or� I'll turn you into a� toad. A really�small� toad."

Hercules stepped between them. "Chill, sis. You're not going to turn Iolaus into anything. Now go see Zeus and apologize nicely for whatever it was you did and I'm sure he'll forgive you. We have to go now. Come on, Iolaus."

The two friends started off down the road leaving the Love Goddess patting her curvaceous hips worriedly.

"Ooooo, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that whole plate of baklava at Apollo's party."

"So where are we off to?" Iolaus asked the demigod.

"Thessaly. I just got a message that a wannabe warlord and his army of thugs have taken over the town and seized the food supply. The people are starving."

"An army, huh. Maybe we should take a detour to Corinth and get some help from Jason."

"It would take too long. What's the matter Iolaus? Getting old? We've handled plenty of two-bit warlords all by ourselves. Piece of cake."

Iolaus groaned. "Why do those sound like famous last words?"

They were met on the outskirts of Thessaly that evening by a group of frightened townsfolk led by an elderly man who introduced himself as the local magistrate. "Thank the Gods, you two are here. I don't know how much longer we could have held out. Those bandits have stolen everything."

"Where are they now?" asked Iolaus.

"They've taken over the town tavern. There are so many of them." He eyed the two heroes skeptically. "Are you sure you two will be enough?"

"No problem," answered Hercules soothingly. "You had all better return to your homes and stay put while we check them out."

The relieved townspeople thanked them profusely, and drifted off to their respective dwellings.

"No problem, he says," mimicked Iolaus. "I still think we should get Jason and a troop of soldiers. Maybe two troops"

"Stop worrying, Iolaus. Like I said, this will be�"

"Yah, yah. I know. A piece of cake."

Hercules stood at the base of a big oak tree and spoke in a low voice to Iolaus perched in a fork high above. "What do you see?"

From his vantage point, Iolaus could look into the lighted windows of the tavern. "Like the man said, there's a lot of them. I count a least thirty. Big, mean, ugly and drunk�and noisy."

Iolaus jumped lightly to the ground, where Hercules stood deep in thought. "So, half-divine one, what's the plan?"

"First, we check the town for guards and take care of them. Then while our friends in the tavern are getting smashed, we round up some food for the townspeople. And then�"

"Then we waltz merrily into the tavern and tie up the drunks one by one. Great plan, Herc. I can only think of a million things that could go wrong."

"You're so negative, Iolaus. You know that?"

"No, I'm not. I've just got a really bad feeling about this, that's all."

They found four guards stationed in strategic points about town. They quickly overpowered them and tied them securely, while the revelry in the tavern continued unabated.

"Now let's get the people fed. By then most of those low-lives will be dead drunk."

The two friends raided the storehouses for baskets of grain, fruits and vegetables and delivered them to nearby houses whose inhabitants promised to share them with their neighbors. On the way back to the tavern, they passed a stable behind which they could hear the bleating of sheep.

"Hey," exclaimed Iolaus. "I'll bet the folks would like a little mutton for dinner."

"Maybe we'd better not push it." Hercules said doubtfully.

"Oh, come on. The warlord and his buddies are nowhere near drunk enough, yet. We have plenty of time."

"Well�" but Iolaus had already disappeared around the corner of the stable. Hercules had no choice but to follow him. .

In an enclosed yard in back of the stables they found chicken coops, pigpens, and a corral full of sheep. There were no guards in sight.

"I don't like this." Hercules said. "They're too sure of themselves."

Iolaus wasn't listening. "Um, yum. Lamb chops. Hey Herc, after we finish this job, do you suppose all those grateful folks will put on a big feast in our honor?"

"Don't you ever think of anything but your stomach?"

"As a general rule. No."

Hercules sighed and picked up a length of rope, which he fastened around the neck of a sheep and led it out of the corral.

"Okay, Iolaus, grab a couple of chickens and let's get out of here."

But Iolaus was leaning into the pigpen and had seized a small brown pig. He held it aloft triumphantly. "Roast pork."

"No, Iolaus, no. Not the pig!"

"Oh come off it, Herc. It's just one little�"

"I said� not the pig."

"Herc, what is this thing with you and pigs?"

"I don't know. It's just this feeling I have."

"Maybe you were a pig in a past life or something."

"Don't be silly. I just have this funny feeling."

"Well, get over it. I'm in the mood for pork." Iolaus tucked the pig under his arm and started for the street.

"Iolaus, no. Put the pig back."

"C'mon, Herc. You don't have to eat it."

"Iolaus! Put�the�pig�back�in�the�pen, grab some chickens and let's go!"

"But�"

Hercules advanced on him menacingly.

"Okay, okay. Cheesh, you'd think�"

"Wal, wal, wal. Lookee what we got here. Rustlers!"

A very big and very drunk warlord, backed by a large contingent of very drunk but well-armed mercenaries blocked the entrance to the stable yard. The frightened little pig squirmed out of Iolaus' arms and ran off, squealing, into the darkness.

"Oh, now, lookee what you done." The warlord reeled drunkenly. "You lost me pig."

"I'm sorry." Iolaus said without thinking.

"Oh, you gonna be more'n sorry, li'l fella. The big warlord leaned into Iolaus' face and nearly knocked him off his feet with his breath. "You got iny id�e what we do t'rustlers 'round here?"

"No." Iolaus answered politely.

The warlord brought up a large, meaty and very dirty finger and drew it slowly across Iolaus' throat.

Hercules dropped the rope and took a step forward. The warlord looked up at the demigod. "You jist stay where you�" The man stopped as recognition dawned in his bloodshot eyes. "Holy Hera, lookit." He said gleefully. "If'n it ain't the mighty Herkles. Son o' Zeus. See here, men, we captured the Herkles."

The mercenaries raised their swords and crossbows nervously as Hercules seemed about to launch into them.

"Uh, uh, Herkles. You jist stay right where you are. You can't git us all and the furst t'go'll be your itty-bitty buddy here. Un'erstand?"

Hercules subsided and eyed the band of thugs warily.

The warlord seized Iolaus and pushed him into the midst of his motley crew. "Watch 'im, an' if hero makes a move, cut 'is throat. Now, boys, it's off t'jail. T'morra we'll have a big ax-e-cution so's all the folks kin see what happens when they cross us."

Thessaly's jail was a long, low stone building that had apparently seen its better days in the distant past. The rough-hewn, mortared blocks that formed the outer walls were cracked with age and patched with mud and clay. The roof was formed of heavy timbers, packed with clay against leakage, and covered with moldy thatch.

Hercules and Iolaus were led onto a rickety porch, and pushed through a sagging wooden door. The room they entered held a collection of shabby tables, chairs, a few cots and not much else. Their captors pushed them across this room to an inner door that opened onto a corridor, empty except for the rusty iron bars that divided its length and were sectioned off to the left into individual cells. On the right, several small outlets cut from the stone served as windows.

The warlord grabbed Iolaus' arm and pulled him over to an iron door set into the first of the cells. It opened with an ear-piercing shriek. He thrust Iolaus into the cell with such force that the warrior slammed up against the opposite wall sending a shower of mortar dust to the floor. Hercules gave the outlaw an angry look, but followed without protest.

The warlord slammed the door shut and turned the lock. "'Member Herkles. If'n you so much as try t'escape your purty li'l blonde pal'll be deader'n a doorknob."

After giving fifteen of his soberest men instructions to watch over the prisoners, he headed for the door. Iolaus picked himself up off the floor and aimed a stream of ripe curses at the departing warlord's back.

Hercules grinned. "He seems to have taken a liking to you, too. He thinks you're pretty."

Iolaus scowled at him and brushed the dust from his blonde locks. He looked around the filthy cell, disgustedly. "You'd think a big place like Thessaly would have a better jail."

"Maybe they have a low crime rate."

"Not anymore." He kicked the wall, angrily, bringing down another shower of dirt. "Well, Herkles, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. If we'd stopped to pick up Jason and his army, the bad guys would be in here and we'd be out there."

"Well, you're the one who ran off chasing livestock."

"And you're the one who made all the fuss over a stupid pig."

"Look, there's no point in our arguing about it, now." Hercules lowered his voice to a near whisper. "These guys have been drinking pretty hard. As soon as they pass out, we're out of here."

"I don't know." Iolaus looked at the brigands doubtfully. Their guards had lit a few candles, produced cards, dice and a few flasks of ale, and had settled down on the floor obviously prepared for a night of entertainment. "Maybe drunk is their natural state. They sure don't look like they're planning to pass out any time soon."

"I guess you're right." Hercules glanced at the bandits and then around the jail cell thoughtfully. "Okay. We need another plan."

"Right, and while you thinking one up," Iolaus flopped down on the cell's lone bed, "I'll catch a nap." He folded his arms across his chest and closed his eyes.

"That's a great idea. We could both use a little sleep while we're waiting."

Iolaus opened one eye. "Waiting for what?"

"Dawn."

"Dawn? Is that the plan?"

"Yep."

Iolaus waited, but nothing more was forthcoming, so he asked. "And when are you going to let me in on this great plan?"

"At dawn." Hercules was looking around the room. "Iolaus, do you realize there is only one bed in here?"

"Yep." Iolaus settled down again and closed his eyes.

"Move over."

"Move over!" Iolaus squeaked. "There's barely enough room for me."

"Well, I'm not sleeping on the floor. So move over."

Iolaus rolled off the bed. "Oh, no. I'm not sleeping against the wall. You'll squash me, you big ox"

"Fine." Hercules climbed on the bed and moved his large bulk as close to the wall as he could. He patted the bed and grinned. "See, there's plenty of room for you, too, sweetcheeks."

Iolaus glared at him "Don't you ever call me that. It's bad enough hearing it from your ditzy sister."

Hercules' grin broadened. "Well, you are kinda�"

"Don't say it." Iolaus settled his compact body in the remaining space. "Oh yeah, like this is really comfortable."

"Want me to put my arm around you so you won't fall off?" Hercules murmured sleepily.

"No!"

"You sure?"

"Herc, I'm not a little kid. I won't fall out of bed."

"Okay."

When Hercules awoke, the dim, gray light of dawn was coming through the small windows across the corridor. Iolaus had fallen off the bed and was curled up on the floor, snoring gently.

The bandits had extinguished their candles and a few of them were asleep, but seven ugly thugs stood leaning against the wall. When they caught sight of Hercules eyeing them, they leered and fingered their weapons.

'This better work.' Hercules thought. He reached down and shook Iolaus. "Iolaus, wake up."

"Huh, what? Uh." Iolaus sat up and looked around bewildered. "Where are we?"

"In jail."

"Again? Oh, yeah. Right." He shook himself awake and looked around, groggily. "Why am I on the floor?"

"You fell off the bed."

"Did not. You must have pushed me."

Iolaus got up and sat down on the bed beside Hercules and yawned. "So what's the plan?"

"We have to wait a little longer."

"Okay. Can I go back to sleep?"

"No. I need you wide awake."

The two friends sat together on the bed idly, while time passed and daylight strengthened. Whenever Iolaus started to doze off, Hercules would nudge him back to wakefulness.

Presently, they heard the sound of the outside door opening and someone entering. There was a rattle of dishes and the thump of a heavy pot being set on one of the tables. The new arrival sang out. "Breakfast."

"'Bout time." One of the bandits murmured. He roused the sleepers and they all trooped out and sat down around the tables. One of them perched at the table nearest the door and called in to the prisoners. "I kin see you good from here boys, so don't try nothin'."

"Oky-doke." Hercules got up, stretched leisurely and paced casually back and forth across the cell floor, motioning Iolaus to walk with him.

"Here's the plan." Hercules whispered, pausing a moment and tapping the outside wall at a point nearly out of sight of the door, before resuming his pacing. "He can't see that spot very well from where he is sitting. There is a stand of woods a couple of hundred yards beyond that wall."

"How do you know that?"

"I looked, last night, when they were bringing us in. Now you distract him, I knock out the wall and we run like Tartarus for the woods. We'll be out of sight before they can get out the door. Simple."

"Is this another piece of cake?"

"Save the jokes for later. When the wall goes down, just run."

Hercules walked back toward the outer wall and Iolaus moved to the bars and positioned himself between the door and the demigod. "Hey!"

"Hey, what, blondie?"

"What does a guy have to do around here to get some breakfast?"

The man laughed nastily and addressed his comrades. "D'you hear that? Blondie wants his breakfast." There was a roar of laughter from the bandits. The man called back to Iolaus. "You won't be needin' no breakfast, shorty. In a coupla hours, you'll be breakfast�for the worms."

"Oh."

The bandit stopped laughing abruptly and leaned toward the door. "Hey, where's the big guy?"

Iolaus shifted his position slightly, and Hercules waved at the brigand from where he was leaning nonchalantly against the outer wall.

The man gave a satisfied grunt and went back to his meal.

Hercules grinned as Iolaus shifted his position back to block the bandit's view. He pushed his shoulders firmly against the stone. It gave slightly. He nodded to his partner and waited patiently.

"Nothin' like a nice, bloody execution after breakfast to start th' day off right, is there, boys?"

The men roared. Hercules whirled and hit the wall hard with the palm of his hand. The building shuddered. There was an ominous groan as timbers cracked and dirt and mortar fell from the ceiling.

Iolaus looked up. Along the length of the corridor, bars trembled as the mortar that held them in place began to crumble. "Uh�Herc?"

The guards looked up at the ceiling, startled. "What th'�?"

Hercules hit the wall again, harder, breaking through to the outside. Timbers buckled and mud, dirt and rocks began raining down on the hapless occupants of the jail. The cell bars fell like dominoes.

"Herc!"

Iolaus made a dash for the opening. Individual blocks of stone, freed from their prison of clay and mortar, began falling. Roof timbers split and with a thunderous crash, collapsed, large unbroken sections of the walls following in their wake and were buried as huge bundles of thatch tumbled from the disintegrating roof. When the dust began to settle, Hercules stood alone in the debris.

Panicked, he looked about wildly. "Iolaus! Iolaus! Where are you?"

"Here, Herc," came a small voice from under the rubble. "I'm under here."

Hercules threw aside bundles of thatch and lifted a section of wall. With a mighty heave, he tossed it to one side. Iolaus was lying amidst a jumble of stones under a log that had just barely saved him from being crushed. Hercules dragged the timber aside and moved the stones until Iolaus was freed. The blonde warrior tried to struggle to his feet, but fell back to his knees, moaning.

"Iolaus, are you okay? Is there anything broken?" Hercules bent over him, anxiously. "Can you stand?"

"No and no and no. And I can't see, either." Blood was running down Iolaus' face from a gash on his head, mingling with the dust and dirt that was already in his eyes.

Behind him, Hercules could hear the bandits moving about and cursing. Those who were not badly injured or killed were pulling themselves out of the wreckage.

"How are your ribs?"

"What?"

"Your ribs."

"Oh. Okay, I guess."

"That's all I wanted to know." Hercules bent over and scooped his partner over his shoulder and broke for the trees.

As they entered the coolness of the woods, they could hear war whoops and howls of rage as the bandits, now joined by their comrades from the tavern, gave chase. Ahead of them, the ground sloped sharply upwards.

Iolaus blinked his eyes furiously to clear his vision and looked back.

"Faster, Herc. They're catching up to us."

"If you didn't eat so much�oof�you wouldn't weigh so much and I could�run faster."

"Now is not the time to criticize my weight. Uh, oh."

"Uh, oh what?"

"They're getting ready to shoot."

"Oh, boy."

Iolaus rubbed more dirt and blood out of his eyes. "Get ready for it. Now! Duck!"

Hercules dived behind a tree, whacking Iolaus' head soundly against the trunk.

"Ow" he yelled. A rain of arrows flew past them, embedding themselves in the ground on either side of them. Some of them hit the tree with a thunk.

"Sorry."

Iolaus hung dizzily over Hercules' shoulder. "S'okay. It was just my head."

Hercules took off running again, zigzagging amongst the trees to foil the archers. He was puffing his way up the last few yards of the slope, sweaty hair plastered across his eyes, when he came to an abrupt halt nearly toppling Iolaus from his perch on the demigod's shoulder.

"Uh, oh." A man on horseback appeared on the crest of the hill. Behind him rode many more men. They were wearing armor and were heavily armed.

"Now what?" Iolaus craned his head around. "Oh, hey, yes! It's Jason!"

Hercules swept the hair from his eyes. "How�?"

"I don't know," whooped Iolaus, "but here he is."

Jason raised his sword and his men charged. The bandits broke rank and spilled down the slope toward the dubious safety of the tavern. It was over as suddenly as it had begun. Outmanned and outmaneuvered the bandits quickly surrendered and were locked securely into chains.

While his men secured the prisoners and scoured the streets for stragglers, Jason rode up to his astonished friends and slid easily off his horse. Hercules set Iolaus on his feet. Iolaus wobbled a little, but managed to stay upright.

"Good morning, fellers." Jason said cheerfully. "Iolaus, you're a mess. Hercules, don't you ever give him a bath?"

Hercules looked at the King of Corinth in amazement as Jason gripped his arm in greeting. "How did you�?"

Jason grinned and strode back to his horse. Loosening the flap on his saddlebag, he lifted out a small brown pig. Hercules and Iolaus looked at each other.

"This little fellow," he said, stroking the small creature, "ran into the palace last night and raised a ruckus. Acted like he wanted us to follow him. Naturally, I immediately thought of you two." He smiled broadly at his friends, "I figured you were in some sort of trouble, so I rounded up the troops. We rode all night and this little guy led us here. Right in the nick of time, too, from the look of things."

Hercules and Iolaus stared open-mouthed at the pig and then looked at each other again, speechless.

Jason went on. "Let me take this little guy back to wherever he belongs and put this gang in jail, and then you can tell me all about how you got yourselves in this mess over breakfast."

"Uh�" began Iolaus.

"What?"

"Thessaly doesn't have a jail."

Jason looked at him incredulously. "A big town like Thessaly doesn't have a jail?"

"Not any more." Iolaus pointed downhill.

Jason looked through the trees at the pile of rubble at the bottom of the slope. "What happened to it?"

Iolaus pointed to Hercules. Jason shook his head. "Do you guys ever do anything the easy way?" He picked up his horses' reins and walked off toward town, still shaking his head.

Hercules, concerned, looked down at his partner. "Are you okay? Do you need some help getting back to town?"

"Nah, I can walk." Iolaus paused, puzzled "Hercules, how did that pig get to Jason so fast? And how did he know where to go? Oh, what am I saying? He's a pig. How did he know anything?"

"Pigs are very smart," Hercules answered.

"Huh! Not that smart." Iolaus snorted. "And not that fast. Unless pigs can fly."

Hercules shrugged and grinned. "Who knows?"

Hercules started toward town; Iolaus limped along beside him muttering. "Flying pigs! That I would like to see."

Back in the woods Aphrodite stepped out of her hiding place, hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles. "Fat chance. Sweetcheeks. As for you, baby brother, now you owe me. Big time."

The End

* the grateful citizens of Thessaly granted the heroic little pig a permanent reprieve from the butcher. He lived a long and fruitful life, siring many offspring, among them a certain little girl pig named Katherine.

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