Self-Inflicted Wounds
Well, this is kinda my secret area I guess you could call it. Not really a secret
anymore, unless you have amnesia. Do you know if you have amnesia? I would have to
say that you forget you have amnesia if you have it, which would kinda suck. Anyway in
this area I pretty much just write what I'm thinking/feeling at the time (idea copyrighted
by Mike Cecchini). But you're probably wondering why I called this area "Self-Inflicted Wounds."
Well, its a song I'm writing, and it's a song about how I feel so I felt it would be an appropriate
title for this as well. I'm hoping the song will be out on the album I mention in my album section. The
song is a very depressing song, with subject matter the same as every other depressing song, its about
a girl. I will probably add to this every time I can't sleep, seeing as how that's when I do the majority
of my thinking. I'm guessing that will probably be a lot when I get back up to Milw. too. WARNING
the content of this site will almost never be happy (and probably very random), as I hardly ever go to sleep happy.
Sept. 1 (3:40 am)
I find myself thinking more and more of all the good times I had with everyone back at Park and it makes me realize
just how much I miss everyone. I miss you all more than I though I would and more than I want to, which I guess is
kind of a good thing. It would have been so much easier if everyone would have just been assholes to me. (probably the one and
only joke that will ever be on here) Obviously I miss some people more than others, but everyone who has ever talked to me
has had an impact on my life that I will never forget. Because of all of you I am a better person. I have no idea where I would
be (or if I would be) without friends like you all. I hope everyone is having a blast in college too though. Actually I'm not having
as bad a time as it probably sounds. I'm pretty used to disappointments by this point in my life, most notably my own. I have no idea
why I always fuck up when something half-way decent is going for me, but at least that's one thing i can never fail at...disappointing
myself. There are two that hurt more than all the others combined. The first being my lazy and procrastinating nature and its effects on my life.
Well that's pretty much the only one but there are two instances of it. The first being one time I was supposed to call and thank my grandma for
giving me money and a card for graduation and just for everything. Of course I put it off for about a week, and its not that I didn't have the time
because I did. But about a week later we got a call from my grandparents on my mom's side letting us know that my grandma had passed away. I can't even
express how much I hated myself for not thanking her after that, and now I never will be able to. I couldn't even look at her face at the funeral. And just
to add to how much of a jackass I am, about 2 days before we found out that she had died I told my mom I called her, so my mom thinks I was able to talk to
her and thank her for everything when in reality, I never even told her where I was going to school. After that I promised myself that I would never procrastinate
like that again. Lets just say that wasn't the first promise I've ever broken, and I know it won't be the last. The second instance I was talking about is about a
girl. Lets face it, everything always ends up being about a girl in the end. Every guy has his story about the girl that "got away" (using that for lack of a better
term at the time) Mine isn't exactly like that but close enough. I met this girl senior year and the first time I saw her I was seriously just like "Oh my God." I don't
really know how I can put this in terms that everyone can understand but I'll try. Every guy has their idea of a perfect someone. Whether it be girl, guy, animal (those sick fucks)
or whatever. And when I met this girl, my "dream girl" wasn't even close to as perfect as she was. Every single time I have ever looked into
her eyes, all of my problems, worries, fears, everything disappeared. People always say shit like that to fuck a girl or get head or whatever, but I swear to God himself that was exactly how I felt.
I wish I could look into those eyes whenever I need to (now being a prime example) but its my own fucking fault. Another thing is that normally I'm really shy around girls that I like, but something was
different with her. I didn't even know this girl but I felt like I could tell her anything. I've never felt like that before, ever. There was just so much that I wanted to
tell her everytime I saw her, but the one thing that I wanted to tell her the most, I never could. Just how I felt about her. I told myself again and again and again that
I would tell her before I left for college. I promised myself I would. The only thing I did was find out the only kind of promise I'm good at making is an empty one. Even though I'm
sure that even if I told her how I felt she would have said she didn't feel the same. Maybe I'm better off not knowing. Who knows. All I know is that you can't change the way you feel
about somebody no matter how hard you try and believe me I tried. I honestly wish i did not/do not feel the way I do about this girl, but there's no changing that. Just like I can't change the way she
feels about me. Speaking of change, another thing I've learned is to never change for anyone. Be yourself and if they (whoever they be) can't except you for who and what you are than fuck them. Don't
give a shit what other people think. If someone asks you to change for them don't. If they want you to change than they can't really love you, they just love what they want you to be. Sometimes I wish
I could follow my own advice, sometimes I even promise myself I will. But if I've learned anything its that the only promises I'm good at making are empty ones.
Sept. 8 (12:34)
This just goes to prove that something is wrong with me. Yesterday and today (up until about 10 pm) I was the happiest person in the fucking world! Now I'm on the verge of tears. Something just hit me today. I don't know how or when or what or anything like that. I can't really talk about it too much either because my roommate is in here now. So I'll try to keep this as short as I can and as cold and emotionless as possible. I don't want him thinking I'm some sort of freak if I just start crying all of a sudden. Like it fucking matters anyway. I was "talking" to the girl who I really care for today and I am actually planning on seeing her soon too. During this time (seeing her in person) I was hoping that I could work up enough of the little bit of courage I have and tell her just how I feel. But during this conversation I was having with her, I realized something. It hit me that there is no way she would ever care for me the way that I care for her. That has got to be the worst fucking feeling in the entire fucking world!!! I can't even put into words just how bad I fucking feel right now. Maybe now I'll be able to finish my song at least. You would at least think that this "knowledge" would help me out in some fucking way. Well maybe it would help the average person out, fuck me for not being fucking average! Whatever average fucking is. The truth is now I'm more conflicted than ever on what to do. I've done everything I can fucking think of but nothing ever helps. I've fucking prayed every fucking night for answers, but I guess this is just one of those things I have to do all by my fucking self. If anyone is actually reading this, I don't know why you would want to, and you have any advice, please let me know. I can't really express myself like I want to right know. Since my roommate is in here I'm thinking about what to write down instead of writing what I feel. Which is only making me feel even worse. And if anyone is still reading this, it must mean that you are a true friend, and I thank you very much for that. You have no idea how much that means to me. And as a friend I feel it only fair to let you know that no matter what I write down here, you don't have to worry about me. No matter how depressed I get, or what I write, I'll still be here tomorrow. I promise you that, or maybe I shouldn't, because we all know how that goes. ...p.s. I did end up finishing my song. If for some reason you want to read them, they're right here. Self-Inflicted Wounds lyrics
Sept. 9 (1:09)
This going to be very quick. I'm not really sad, I'm not really anything right now. I just got done reading the "what's going on in my head" page on Mike's site and it really got me thinking is all. I really have to start taking chances. (I think if you're reading this, you know what I'm talking about) I'm really writing this down for myself, in hopes that if I write it down, I'll be more likely to actually adhere to my own advice. I've made up my mind that the next time I see her, I'm going to tell her, that way, whatever the outcome may be, I'll know deep down that I actually took a chance, and there won't be any "what if's..." Because that would be something I could never live with. I hope I can handle rejection (We'll see soon) but I know that I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror 5...10...30 years down the road, knowing that my life could have been infinately better had I taken that one chance. Life is all about the chances we do and do not take. Just one decision, which could seem like the smallest fucking thing at the time, can have the most impact on your life down the road. (continued after I finish my other thought) The only downside to this is the fact that I could damage our friendship by doing this. That is something that I don't want to happen. I don't know what I would do if that did happen. She is just one of those people that you have to have in your life, she just makes it so much better. So I'm praying that I don't fuck up. (continuation from above) One example I can give you (there will be another one next week, that may be an even better example. Has to do with Shakespeare) is my decision to take Spanish class in school. I don't know why I did it, because I wasn't really interested in it that much, but I took it anyway. I had a fun time with it and everything in middle school, then I had to decide if I wanted to take it in high school. Once again, I don't know why, but I took it. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I had ever made, because in this class, I met my good buddy Mr. Thoenes. If I would have decided to stop taking Spanish or take a year off or whatever I would never have met Tim. And if I never would have met Tim, 10 to 1 I wouldn't be employed by Westgate. (yeah, Tim got me my job there) And I would have missed out on all those wild and crazy experiences associated with working at a movie theatre (lol) and I also wouldn't have met all the awesome people that work there either. Now granted I probably would have gotten a job somewhere else but chanse are, it would not have been even close to as fun or have as many cool people as I met at the Dub G. And I also probably wouldn't be the par-tay animal I am today (lmfao) After all, Tim was the kid who got me to take my first shot ever, and it just happened to be at one of my co-workers (Stephanie's) birfday parties. Anyway, I said I'd keep this short, besides I need some sleep. That and my roommate Gabe just came in here fucking hammered with two of his friends and two girls too. Damn that shit can get fucking annoying as all fucking hell! I got class at 9 tomorrow though, so I really need sleep. One last thing though...next time I see her...I'm telling her.
Sept. 12 (12:15 am)
Well, here I am again. Feeling worse than I have in awhile. I don't know why...I mean this is college...this is supposed to be the best time of my fucking life! So what the fuck is wrong with me?! It's good having friends there who can cheer you up though. Even if it's just temporary. (Even though sometimes temporary solutions are the best, no worries...if only for a few minutes) I don't think I'll ever find a permanent solution for my problem(s). Should I even care about my problems? About life? About anything? Right now, there's only a couple of things going for me, things I care about. My friends, family, feelings and faith. Four out of the five f's...the other one...,fucking up, seems to be a common reoccurance in my life. At least something is fucking constant. It seems like the happier I get...the farther down I end up falling. The worst part is...I have no fucking idea why I'm depressed (maybe not no idea, but...) and that just makes things even fucking worse! I'm listening to my favorite Blink 182 song (Adam's Song) right now...and that's probably not helping. I'm just a fucking burden to everyone I come in contact with! I don't know why...I don't think I can help it...maybe I could...I don't know. I find out everyday how little I actually know. This is really not a good song to listen to when I'm depressed. "Give all my things, to all my friends. You'll never step foot in my room again. You'll close it off, board it up. Remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple-juice, in the hall? Please tell mom this is not her fault. ...And I can't wait, til I get home, to pass the time in my room alone." God I love that line..."Remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple-juice, in the hall? Please tell mom this is not her fault." It gets to me every fucking time I hear it, no matter what mood I'm in. I mean remembering something as trivial as spilling a cup of apple juice...I don't know...it's just one of those fucking things. (The rest of this message was erased on Monday Sept. 15 at 1:32 am)
Sept. 19 (8:46 pm)
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here...what is it that I do in this fucked up thing we call our "world." I guess that's just one of my questions that I ask myself that will forever go unanswered. Just when things seem to be halfway decent...the train-wreck that is my life fucking derails and leaves a path of destruction a mile long. I got fucking sick today...it's my own damn fault. Going to bed at 4 am when I have class at 9. And nobody's here to talk to, nobody here to fucking care...suppose I can't really blame anyone else though. Because like I said, it is my fault, and I can't really expect people to take 30 seconds out of their busy ass fucking days to keep my depressing self company or even say, "Hope you feel better." even if it's not sincere. I've just been fucking sleeping all fucking day long! I fucking hate this shit and I want fucking out! Screw being sick, screw people, fuck all of this! I really do wish I didn't give a half a fucking breath about anything, unfortunately for me and everyone else, I do care. Maybe I should just go out and get as shit-faced as I possibly can so I can just drown everything out. Just detach myself from everything and everyone, that way I can never feel this way again. I know I won't be able to though, it's just not fucking me...whatever the fuck I am. I try to be a good fucking person, but no matter what I fucking do...it just isn't good enough. Why do I do this? Is it so people will do the same for me? Is it the way I was raised? No...it's because I fucking care. That's my fatal flaw. Everyone else is out having a good time tonight, while I'm sitting here on my fucking computer wallowing in my own fucking misery! Tonight that can't really be helped, due to my condition (half of which I'm possitve is just in my fucking head) but it's not just tonight of course. Maybe I should go out and party with Gabe when I feel better. He seems to be able to not get emotionaly attached to people. He comes home with a new fucking girl (that's exactly what she is...just another girl to fuck) just about every time he goes out and parties. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he does care, but he covers it up by acting that way. Who am I to fucking judge either way?! Over and over I keep looking to the past for answers and wondering how things could be better if only I'd done something differently. Even the fucking littlest event can have a the biggest impact in your life. I keep thinking that if I even would have just raised my hand to answer a question that I knew back in 2nd grade, maybe someone would have noticed me and we would have became best friends. If I would have stopped to help a kid who fell down get back up, maybe something would be different. If instead of turning...just go straight into that brick wall. Life is all about your decisions you make. And that's what they are, your decisions, don't let anybody else make them for you. I don't know why I'm complaining though. I haven't earned the right to hate this life. Those starving kids in Ethiopia, the straight arrow pointdexter who was just a little curious what it would be like to get drunk and the innocent little 7 year old girl he killed when he thought he could still drive, everyone who lost a loved one on 9/11 or in one of those pointless wars we always fucking start...those are people who have earned the right to hate and bitch about life...but they don't. Because they know that complaining isn't going to solve a damn thing, it's not going to bring their daughter or son back. And all hate does is fuel more problems. So why am I sitting here complaining and claiming I hate life...? Just another one of my questions that will never be answered, at least until I find a permanent solution to all of my so-called "problems." And as far as I'm concerned...there is only one permanent, eternal solution to a problem...to kill it and make sure it can never bother you again... In my case, my problem is life, but thank God I'm not looking for a permanent solution...I don't think I'm even looking for any solution. All I'm looking for is someone to be here with me and tell me everything is alright...but either it's just too much to ask, or I'm looking in the wrong places because I haven't found them yet. And the more I tell myself that everything will be ok...the more I realize just how fucked up everything is... I've made up my mind, and tonight, before I go to bed, I'm not going to pray. I've never purposely missed a bedtime prayer before... but I'm so angry, sad, and scared...I don't know what else to do...it doesn't seem like praying has ever gotten me anywhere in the past...God, please forgive me...
Sept. 24 (3:37 a.m.)
I can't sleep...I don't know what's wrong with me... This whole day up until like 2 am i was just as happy and "normal" as can be...then I got into a little "fight" with one of my friends online. I was so fucking mad. I don't know why really, because it wasn't that big of a deal. And when I tried to go to bed, all that anger seemed to morph into despair...and as I gazed up at my ceiling, there was this huge darkness over my bed...I don't know if it's just so late that I'm hallucinating but the longer I stared at it...the bigger it got...until it seemed to completely envelope me... God please tell me what's wrong with me! I don't know what I'm doing here...I guess I'm just trying to make this all go away. In the past it seems like writing all of it down just seems to help me get through it all...but I just can't hold the tears back anymore. I wish I just wasn't here...to bother everybody, and to make everyone miserable. I don't know what to write anymore...maybe because I don't know what to feel. Within about an hour I was from one of my higher highs...to now maybe one of my lowest lows... I never got in line for this fucking ride called life...maybe I should just jump off now before I end up crashing into a wall... maybe I'll just sit and and cry over nothing some more... I really could use somebody now...anybody... Would anybody really miss me if I wasn't here? Just think of how much better your life would be right now if I wasn't here...if I never was here... Maybe this is all just some dream and I'll be lucky enough to wake up sometime... Honestly, I don't believe anybody would miss me because it's hard to miss something you don't care about...but I don't think I want anybody to miss me...
Oct. 17 (11:24 p.m.)
I haven't written in here for awhile... I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know what I'm doing here. Writing wise and on earth. I'm just wasting my own and everyone else's time. I was having a talk with my good friend/brother, Mike tonight and... well... I don't really know what to say. Me and him were just talking about how "unlucky" we are. Well, I don't know about him but I'm not unlucky. First off, I don't believe in luck. It's just a fucking excuse which clouds everyone's eyes. If something bad happens, you can just say, "oh, today just wasn't my day." Fucking bullshit. Every day is your fucking day. It is what you fucking make it. That being said I can now easily explain why I'm not "unlucky." Its Friday fucking night and I'm sitting alone in my room. I could be out having "fun" right now but no, instead I choose to waste more of my "time" here on earth by wallowing in my own pathetic sorrow. I hate doing it... I hate feeling this way, but do I actually go out and try to do something about it? Fuck no! I can honestly say that now I see why girls (one inparticular) don't want to have any fucking thing to do with me. I wouldn't want to be around someone like me either. Once again, that is something I could change, and yet I am still fucking sitting here and will be the rest of the fucking night bitching about how bad things are when they really aren't! They're only as fucking bad as I make them. I am so "lucky" to be blessed with such good friends that I don't deserve... Honestly though, I think Mike has it worse than me. He had that feeling returned to him... until it was ripped away from him... Thankfully I've never had to have it taken away from me... because I've never had it in the first place. And I can honestly say... at least at this particular point in my life, I don't think I will ever be happy. I just can't see ever being happy... I guess I'll tell you why. This is going to be specific but I just don't fucking care who cares anymore... at least that's what I want myself to believe. I'm sure if you are reading this you either know me well and know what I'll be talking about... or must be some sort of government official who was looking up porn sites in his free time and stumbled across "D-lisch" and made the obvious connection... wow... look at me trying to mask my fucking problems with lame ass fucking jokes! Just like "me"! Brit... if for some reason you're reading this... stop... I don't want you to read any of this... please... So I'm sure you know that you know I care about Brit more than anything... and it kills me because I don't know why. There's just something about her that instantly became a part of me the first time I ever saw her. And I never really took the time to get to know her because I was too scared. I'm always too scared for everything which shouldn't be a fucking excuse but I'm using it as one. But even though I didn't get to know her... I felt like I'd known her all my life... It's hard to explain... if you've experienced it before you know what I'm talking about, if you haven't than there is no way I can explain it to you in anyway that you could understand. Than like the first two weeks or so we came up to college we really started talking. I would say about every other night if not every night. And I don't know about her, but just talking with her really helped me out and made me the fucking happiest smiling dumbass this side of the universe. It seemed like she was having a rough time adjusting, just like everyone else was. And I'd like to think that I was there to comfort her, I don't know if that's true or not, but its what I tell myself. And I would pray for her and every one of my other friends who ever told me they had a problem every single night... and I would pray for Brit to be happy, even if it meant that I wasn't the one who would make her happy. And a little while later, my prayer was answered... the first pray I've ever made that was answered... and slowly she stopped talking to me because she was out having fun... while I was left sitting alone in my room... it's not her fault... I don't expect her to drop everything for me and I don't want her to... she has other people in her life... I'm not going to say it didn't hurt though. I would give anything for those first 2 weeks again... but no matter what it will never be like that... why must I always be so selfish? I want her to be happy, but than when she is... I want to take it away just so I can talk with her for 10 minutes... It seemed like each and every passing second she cared about me less and less... until it seemed like she didn't even want to be friends... One conversation we had she just left right in the middle of it without even saying goodbye or even leaving some bullshit excuse... apparently I wasn't worth her time... I know I'm a boring person, but I feel the least she could have done is said bye... three fucking letters that could have saved my life... I don't know the situation so I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but that hurt like nothing I've ever felt before... I don't wish that feeling upon anyone. I came to a point where I either had to cut lose before I couldn't breathe or else just keep the pain inside like I did so many times before and just let it kill me slowly from inside... I had to tell Brit... so I did... and she was convincing enough to make me believe that she still wanted to be friends... whether that's true or not only she knows... but again, if only for a few seconds, I was happy... But yesterday I realized that she will never feel that same way for me that I feel for her... she could have just about anybody that she wanted... so why would she ever want someone like me?... she is the smartest, funniest, coolest, dorkiest, beautiful, most talented and best person in the world... and truth be told... I don't think I'd want to see her waste her life with someone like me... so now here I am again...lost... not knowing up from down, warm from cold, or life from death... Even though it turns out Brit isn't the Brit that I "knew" I would still do anything for her... I don't know why... but I would do it unquestionably... one look into her eyes and I'm frozen in awe... I feel like I could do anything in the world even though I can't move because I'm too scared to leave her eyes... So why am I always going to be unhappy? Because I've finally realized that Brit is the one for me... but I'll never be that to her...
Oct. 28 (2:29 a.m.)
So here I am again. I'm not really depressed. I won't be crying myself to sleep again tonight. I won't be thinking about what I've done wrong today or how things could have been better. I won't be thinking about tomorrow and the homework I still have to do for my music class. No... I'll be thinking about the same thing as I always do. I don't know why. I try not to. But the harder I try, the more I think. I swear it's the only thing in the world that I'm not good at quiting at! And since I've been thinking about it a lot, I've come to this decision. If by some, extremely rare circumstance that Brit would ever even like me, I think I would have to leave her life altogether. She deserves someone so much better than me that I wouldn't be able to live with myself, wasting her life away being with a loser like me. She has so much talent, and potential and intelligence and everything... and me... I have a bad case of dependency... So today like I said, I was over by George's and yes, I did have some to drink. (I had to take 3 shots with Nick 'cause he was feeling down at the time and didn't want to drink alone) Unfortunately not enough... right about now I wish I would be "drunk out of my mind" as my mom calls it. This sucks so bad. I hate being like this. If I could I would right a song now... but I'm too tired and... sigh... yeah. It doesn't help that a couple of my "friends" wrote a very hurtful statement on our board directed at me. (I know it was just a joke... but it was really bad timing...) And I don't know what I'm doing writing in here. Not like either of us really care. Gah, fuck it! Right about know, I don't know why, but I'm reminded of this quote I heard one time... "Dreams come at no expense, except when you have dreamt your life away." I guess that means take action and do something... Mike says that "you never know how good a quote truly is until you've lived it"... well I guess I'll never really understand how good that quote is then...
Nov. 2 (4:21 p.m.)
So I'm not really depressed or anything, I mean, I am a little sad that this weekend is over... ok... really sad. It was a great weekend, just even getting to see everyone again. The insanity and other things was just a bonus. Now that I'm back here alone, it just feels like I have this emptiness in me... I don't know if it's because I am alone (girl-wise) or not... but even if that is the case, I am so confused about that matter... sigh. Up in Maddy, there were tons of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen... but I didn't really care that much. They were all partying and getting crunked and everything... and that's not what I'm looking for in a girl at all. All I want is a girl who can be funny and serious, one that's not afraid to be affectionate (I like to just cuddle and be together... what can I say?...) that I know and can trust, one that doesn't care if I don't know what to say because they are happy just being with me, but maybe most of all... somebody who needs me as much as I need them... I am one of the most dependent people I know... I don't like it, but it's just the way I am. Now, I'm not trying to change anyone or anything. I mean, don't change for me because I won't change for you. That's not was love is about. Love shouldn't make people change, it should just make you realize that you're perfect the way you are. I once thought I was in love... but that was a long time ago... and now I find myself wondering if I will ever find true love, more and more-so with every passing day. Maybe I'm just asking for to much, or maybe I should just settle for the next girl that comes along and shows the slightest interest in me... I just don't know anymore, I'm so sick of having to deal with it, but I just keep coming back for more pain and punishment... I wonder if I'll ever learn...
Nov. 3 (1:46 p.m.)
So I was talking about something I couldn't talk about in my college life section huh?... yeah... Mike... I wish you would have been up here with me today! When I was waiting to see if class was actually cancelled and asking people if they knew anything... This really cute girl came up and asked if I knew anything... Even though class was obviously cancelled I said I had no idea what was going on... which is true in a way... because I never know what's going on. A couple later I saw my friend Craig and asked him and he confirmed my suspicion and said that class was indeed cancelled... So I went back up and told her that class was cancelled... and we were talking for a bit about stuff... and she said that that was her only class today... and than this other pretty cute girl walked up to see what was going on... I know I'm looking at something that isn't there... but sometimes I'm always just so full of hope... Anyway, reason I wanted Mike here... not only for myself and to give me support... but for him too... there were two girls that didn't have anything to do for an hour... just like me... did I ask either one if they wanted to do something though?... No... of course not, because that would be extremely uncharacteristic of me... Maybe I'm being held back from something that I know will never happen, but there's always that little, mangled shred of hope that leads me through the sky... maybe that's just an excuse I make for myself... I wish I just would have asked... it wouldn't matter if she said yes or no... it would just help me prove to myself that I am actually over Brit... sometimes hope makes me feel like I'm a dove with broken wings, just falling from the sky... "...just hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens... and all of this was only wishful thinking..."
Nov. 4 (1:02 a.m.)
So what's the best feeling in the entire world?... If you answered "having every last little strand of that figmant of your imagination that we call 'hope' being ever so slowly and methodically torn away from your cold dead hands..." than you're fucking right. I am such a fucking loser... the only fucking thing it seems I can do right is take up space and steal air from people who fucking deserve it... I'm glad I'm not sad right now though... it helps me prove to myself that I'm finally, slowly, becoming numb to it all. I've been waiting for this for a long fucking time. Maybe now I'll stop being such a fucking coward and a loser! Fat fucking chance. I'll keep writing in here because I'm too scared to let everyone see it. I'll still be one of the worst people and biggest mistakes God ever made. And if you think that's a false statement that you don't fucking know me very well. I don't expect anyone to know me very well though... because I keep all of my true "feelings" bottled inside me tucked far away in the deepest recesses of my body so nobody will ever find them and discover just how truly ugly of a person I really fucking am! I do this, because if any of you knew what I really thought... what I really "felt," 99% of you would wish you would never have met me... and the other 1% would still be blinded by what they think is the real me and they would choose not to believe. Right now I wish I had the fucking balls to just throw myself out the fucking window... I'm gonna end up in fucking hell anyway... and that's really about the only thing that's stopping me right now... is me "knowing" that suicide is a one-way fucking ticket to North Dakota... the only place on earth that's worse than fucking hell. Fuck the tears that well up in my eyes only to fucking keep me blind from the truth. The truth that I will indoubtly fail at everything I attempt to do. The only thing I can't fail at is fucking failing because that would be fucking paradoxical! I don't deserve any of you as friends... and if I was you I would stay as far away from me as you fucking can, no matter how much I beg or plead or seem better... in the end I will just end up taking others down with me... Why do I keep on fucking talking when it is getting me nowhere figuratively and fucking literally. The only thing it is doing for me is ensuring that I fucking fail the two tests that I have to fucking take tomorrow... one of which I "can't" and the other I have missed over half the classes for. Like I said I am the worst kind of loser I fucking know... the kind that can/will never change...
Nov. 17 (2:27 a.m.)
Ok... now that it seems as though I think I am the only one who knows about this page after I changed it... I feel like I can pretty much say anything... (and I wasn't before?...) Anyway... I'm not really feeling depressed or anything right now, it's just been a long time since I've written in here and I've felt so many different emotions that I felt I just had to write. This weekend was awesome... I don't really know what else to say... it was just so much fun. It seems like its been years since I had fun like that. Some of it was a little weird (mostly for Allie and Mandy) because, honestly, I didn't really find any of that stuff that weird... maybe it's because I knew we were all just goofing around or maybe it's because I have a serious problem with taking things seriously... I don't know, but I wasn't really bothered by it. (for anyone reading who is not Allie or Mandy, I can't really tell you what went on, but I can assure you that nothing sexual happened... seriously) Anyway, these last two months or so have been very confusing for me. (mostly the whole Brit thing, but that's just the tip of the iceberg... : \ ) I'm just confused with girls and emotions in general... especially now that it seems as if I have one or two real crushes... (blush) : P One of them is Erin from work... I was/still am thinking about inviting her to the battle of the bands concert this Wednesday... but I don't really know if that's such a good idea... I've only ever gotten a chance to talk with her like two times... we'll see what happens though... then there is another girl... maybe?... I don't know... like I said, this is all so confusing for me... because this other girl is perfect... in every way... but I'm just not sure that I like her like that... I think I do... but maybe I feel that way because I think that I should like her... if I knew for sure I would talk about it more... because there is one really good example of how I feel, actually... there's many... but I can't say it because than you... and by you I mean I because I'm the only person who knows about this... so, as I was saying, you would know who I was talking about... and I'm not so sure that that would be the best of things, especially seeing as how I'm not totally sure about everything myself... especially Brit... I mean... sometimes I feel like I'm "over her," but deep down in my heart I know that I will never actually feel that way... so I just have to ask myself... at what point does the present become the past? A fine question to pose to someone who doesn't have a clear concept of time huh? Once I can figure that out... comes the real question I have to answer... at what point can/do you put the past behind you?... all I know is... I haven't reached that point yet...
Nov. 18 (10:32 p.m.)
I'm not really sad here... just tired and... tired... my tiredness seems to have overwhelmed every other sensation and feeling in my body... other than hunger... great... so I'm just writing in here because I don't know what else to do... I am so confused... about everything... I do know however that I do have a crush on said previous un-named person... who must still remain masked and annoymous due to complications that would arise if anyone ever found out who it was... So I have a crush on two people now?... Sure I guess... I just don't know... but the reason I am really confused about the b-day party is because Anna kept saying that Erin was going... Charlie's girlfriend is named Erin (no relation to Erin Dave has a crush on Erin...) and I don't know if she which Erin she was talking about... and I really didn't want to ask... On a side note for my brother... sorry, but I decided to not ask Erin if she wanted to go to the concert with me for a couple reasons... 1) I don't want it going around work, because that could cause some unwanted friction or just plain uncomfort... 2) because my good buddy Katy didn't have anyone to go with so I'm going with her... and 3) because I have the smallest balls... I'm like a little Chiwauwau puppy when it comes to the size of my juevos... : \ But I am just so confused about the whole girls thing... I honestly don't know what to do, think, say or anything anymore... "Nobody said it was easy, but no one said it would be this hard... Oh take me back to the start..." (Coldplay) I'm soooo sooooooleepy I just can't go on anymore... keep Sarah and Liz's family in your prayers please...
Nov. 24 (11:49 p.m.)
I really want to write in here... but I can't right/write now... I just need to get some sleep... but last night was really bad... and I just don't know why... If you really want to know about it... ask me... because I just can't write now... I have a feeling that tonight won't be much better... : ( (the next day) So last night wasn't bad... wasn't good... wasn't really anything much... and I just realized that I haven't written in here since... well... yeah... That really fucked up my whole world... in a bad way?... I don't think so... It made me realize that I should never take anything for granted... and what am I doing right now?... Taking shit for granted... big fucking surprise... I never seem to learn anything from past mistakes... which is really fucking ironic when you think about how much I dwell on the past... Yesterday my chest was really hurting again... more-so than it was on Thursday... which kinda scares me... I know its just sress related... but based on my family's history with heart conditions... I just can't help but wonder if it's something else... Sometimes I wish it would be... like the Sunday night when I was in bed... I just never wanted to wake up ever again... I got to thinking about things... and I just never wanted to see the light of another day... When I finally did wake up at 1:30 the next day... I felt the same way... I just didn't want to be here anymore... It seems like the harm that I cause always manages to outweigh the little bit of good that I try to do... Than... maybe because it was snowing, I don't know... I at least wasn't as sad... I was sick... but other than that... ok... It's not even like it was a lot of snow... Just barely enough to even fill the cracks in the sidewalk... maybe I'm the only one who noticed that... since it seems like that's the only thing I ever look at... "Hard to notice, gleaming from the sky, when you're staring at the cracks. Hard to notice what is passing by, with your eyes lowered..." (The Leaving Song by: AFI) It really hurts me when my good friends (no names mentioned here...) get down on themselves or when bad things happen to them... I can't really get too in depth without giving away who they are... but one of them gave me some good advice the other night... just go with the flow... Which is what I'm trying to do... but it's hard when you don't know where it's going... or when to get get off... Why do even the most simple things seem so confusing to me?...
Nov. 26 (11:29 a.m.)
I think this might be the last time I write in here... it probably won't be... but all I ever do is just bitch and complain... Hopefully it's just a "phase" I'm going through or whatever the fuck... but it's been getting worse these past couple days... I am so sick of every fucking thing... "love," school, emotions, confusion, life... everything... I just don't want to be here any fucking longer... I know I'm not the only one who feels this way... and that's what used to help me get through the day... but it just doesn't seem like that's enough anymore... but than again... when is anything ever enough for me?... I have to be one of the worst people alive... I am the most selfish and greedy person... and the worst part is... I know I am... but still... I am... I am sitting here rambling because I have nothing better to do... I have class in 30 minutes... which I most likely won't go to... than work until 5... and than I still have to pack... but why even bother packing when I still don't even have any fucking way to get back home?! Heh... home... That word can be used in so many different contexts... Home can be the place you rest your head at night... Home can be where you feel the most comfortable... Home can be an illusion... Home can be nowhere... Offhand... I can't remember a single time when I did something for someone else that would deem me a "friend"... Maybe I have... I don't know... But it seems like whatever I try to do always ends up being misconstued or falls apart in the process and things end up worse than when they started... Right now I seriously just wish I had my car... so I could go out driving... and just get hit by a drunk driver or something... That's just the way I feel right now... I bring so much sadness and grief into other people's lives... and what do they do?... Try to make me feel better... They don't think about themselves... not like me... I say I want to be a better person... but than I wonder if I really mean the things that I say... because I haven't seen myself take any steps to make myself a better person... and back a couple months ago... I was praying for Brit just to be happy (and I still pray every night for all of my friends... doesn't seem like it does much good though...) but than when she was happy... she didn't really talk to me anymore... and than I just wanted to take it all back... fucking selfish me... Now I just don't know if I care anymore... all I want is for her to find somebody that will care for her... someone whose not an fucking asshole/"goat raping fuck twat."... Which brings me to another one of my little problems... My fucking roommate and one of my suitemates... Jim is really getting on my nerves and... sigh... I don't really know how to explain it... I know what I'm trying to say in my little fucked up mind... I guess... you know when you just have a bad feeling about somebody?... Well... multiply that times 10 and than move in with that person... The other day when I was sick his "girlfriend"? was in here... and I wasn't looking what was happening or anything... but when a girl says stop you fucking stop doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing! Don't fucking make her ask you like 3 times! And than Nick was in here the other day... and we were talking and he ended up talking about his grandmother who had recently passed away... and than we hear Jim say, half under his breathe, "mother fucker"... and we just stopped talking... we didn't bother to ask him what he was talking about... He said something about a paper he was writing?... but he wasn't even doing anything on his computer at the time... and Casey... that's a whole different story... he comes in our room while some of his friends are in the other room and starts talking shit about them to Jim!... I'm not saying I'm perfect... or even that I'm any better of a person than them... I'm just venting my frustrations with everything... And I just want so much more for Brit... and all of my other friends... Every one of you deserves so much more than anyone, including God, could ever give you... And I feel like, by being here, I'm taking some of that away... And some days I feel like I will never find somebody... that I will never be happy... so I tell God that as long as all of my friends are happy... I don't care if I am... and if to make them happy it means me not being in their lives... than I'll do what I have to do... because it doesn't take much to make me happy... All I want is just somebody who is willing to waste their life with me... Just somebody I can hold or can hold me... Somebody who I can wrap my arms around to keep warm on cold winter nights... Somebody who needs me as much as I need them... They don't even need to talk... don't need to laugh... just sitting with me and spending time is enough... Somebody who loves me... and doesn't mind me loving them... I guess that's pretty much to ask for... Gabe seems to have found a pretty good method for himself anyway... about half an hour ago he came out of his room with another girl who I have never seen before today... I mean... I'm not trying to judge him or anything... everyone has their own method of how they live their life... and I'm still hoping that I'll be able to find mine... before I don't have a life to live anymore... "Everyday it's hard, hard for (me) to survive, while we maintain this materialistic paradise... Hold down, why don't you just be the wave that washes over me... Hold down, why can't I just be the one that carries all of you?... And I see you fall, and it feels like I'm already there... And I went to sleep last night wondering how I'd feel... When the world just came falling down... falling down..." (Guilt by: Fingertight) It seems like I'm always falling down and bringing somebody else with me... and I'm so sick of getting up... and aparently Jim has had enough of my music... can't blame him... I've been playing mine a lot I guess... but now it's either listen to his music... or... leave?... because even if I put my headphones on I'll still be able to hear Getomusick... which is a good song... but... well, to quote Bush, "It's the little things that kill..." I don't know how I'd ever be able to live if I couldn't hear... music is... everything... it's how I express myself... how I channel all of my emotion... it's my release... and right now I just want off this ride...
Dec. 1 (1:27 a.m.)
So I'm back from one of the best weekends ever... I seriously don't think it could have been more fun... and now... back to reality... back to... this... I don't know if anyone's actually found this page or not... or if anyone ever even will... If you do... it must mean that you really care... or you were just really bored... so... thank you for those who care... you are pretty much all that keeps me going through days like this... I try to put on a happy fa�ade... I don't know how convincing it is... I hope it's enough of one where I don't bring down my friends with me though... I wouldn't be able to stand living with myself if I knew I caused something like that... I don't even know if I'm living with myself now... I needed this weekend more than I ever thought I did though... it helped get everything off my mind... and now I realize just how much is on my mind... I really don't like bitching about all of these "problems" that I have... I know there are people out there who are a million times worse off than me... but this really does seem to make me feel better... if only for a little while... but now that I'm back here... alone and cold... I remember what me and Mike were talking about... how we each need to get a girl... and... I realized today... I don't want just a girl... that isn't what would make me happy... but... than again being with her wouldn't make me happy either... I would hate myself for wasting her time like that... she deserves someone so much better than me... someone so much better than I could ever be... every second she would waste with me would be a second I would wish that I was never here... There was another girl who I thought could make me happy... than I found out she already is... and that is something I don't want to take from her... That's all I really want in this life... I think that that might be the only thing that could make me happy... is to see all of my friends happy... Mike finding a girl that he loves that loves him and lets him know it... Brit being with a guy who actually deserves a girl as perfect as her... Mandy finding whatever it is she's looking for... Liz being able to go through the rest of her life without having to deal with the shit she has to go through now... Katy being happy at school wherever she goes and finding a guy who deserves her... Allie the same... Tom being able to write songs that aren't about heartache because he won't be... just everything that's fucked up in this world to just get turned around... to not have to look back on the past and wonder "what-if" and know that you did everything you could no matter what hand life dealt you... I just want to be able to move on... and just when I think I finally have started... I'm right back in the middle again... Like I said... I feel really bad bitching about these insignificant problems that I have... especially when there are people out there who live with death every day... and problems that I can't even begin to comprehend... which makes me feel even worse about myself... Sometimes I wonder why I even try... I used to think that you were that reason... but now I've realized that I have no reason... and I have no idea what I'm looking for... Which reminds me of a quote I heard one time from somebody at a party... "A place like this, it's not like someone is going to come up to you and show you who they really are. They're all to busy trying to find whatever it is they're looking for." (unfortunately, it seems like most guys are just looking for sex... I hope I'm not one of those guys... I don't think I am... but I guess I'll never know until I actually figure out who I really am...) Everything used to be so clear to me... I was always so sure about myself and where I was going... Now it seems as though I'm lost in the middle of the woods and this relentless fog keeps on following me wherever I try to go... I pray to God every night for lots of things... some I know I mean... some I wonder if I ever will... Why does this have to hurt so much?... Why can't everything be more like I imagined it to be when I was little?... Why do I have to care so much that... (to quote my brother) "I would give my life for love..."?... Why do I have to care at all?... But would life really be any easier if I didn't?... All of these unanswered questions... where are the unquestioned answers?... I do have one... but it's not the type that you can have returned to you so you can change it... I just don't want to have to feel this anymore... I just don't want to be a burden anymore... I just don't want to be anything anymore...
Dec. 5 (11:27 a.m.)
Ok... so I'm not feeling that bad today for some reason... maybe its because of what my bro wrote in his the other day... I don't know... but last night I was really starting to feel good about... well... me... to only have it thrown right back in my face... To say the very least... me and Mandy have a very strange relationship... only adding to that are both of our problems and my confusion with... everything... But she is one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for... I just feel like myself around her I guess... I'm not quite sure... and yes... there are feelings there... but like I said... this is just such a fucking confusing time for me... half the time I have no idea what is going on in my life... and the other half I don't care and I just drift along the current... wherever it takes me... which reminds me of a great quote from that movie I saw last night... when talking about how people need to go with the flow this guy said "no sea has ever denied a river..." I don't know... it just helps me feel more comfortable I guess... Anyway... back to point #1... in case you havne't heard... a couple nights ago me and Mandy did make out... like I said... a very weird relationship... but then after that... I don't know why... not like directly after that... but like later the next day... I just felt really bad about everything... and I went into one of my suclusion-like stages... and I didn't really talk to anyone... Mandy included... and apparently she took it fairly personal and thought that I was "ignoring" her as she so distinctly put it... but like I said... I was feeling really good after watching that movie... so I come home from class and she IMs me and asks if I'm ignoring her and seems fairly distrought... as she has every right to be... I'm not defending my actions here... merely explaining... hoping for an understanding... yes, I suppose I was avoiding her... but if that's the case, then I was ignoring everyone... not her as an individual... just people... than I decide to look through everyone's profiles and whatnot... I do that a lot... I'm a very curious person... and than... right there... in her profile... yeah... I believe if there would have been a camera on me you would be able to determine the exact moment when I realized that I was the absolute worst person in the world... needless to say after that "experience" my self-esteem went clear out the window... and down the block... where it was run-over and crushed by a truck... for some reason that hasn't stopped me from being not unhappy today though... (i say not unhappy because at this point in time I am pretty much indifferent... neither happy... nor unhappy... reached a "happy" median I guess...) but I just keep remembering things in that movie... and I thought it was really cool... Mike, bro, you prolly will too... that someone else in the world kind of feels the same way we do about time... in the movie he was talking about how time doesn't really exist... and it's really hard to explain... especially with my memory... but I think that maybe one of the reasons I haven't really been feeling that good is because I haven't really been the only person having a bad week... Jim has too... he got like this computer virus or something... and he all but blamed it on me... not saying that I don't do bullshit like that... but yeah... now he's pissed cuz he has to delete all his porn too... which he just found out he can't because his compalation is too big for the recycle bin... didn't know that was exactly possible... that's like saying you can't fit a midget into a semi trailer... all I'm saying is that's one huge fucking midget... its especially hard to write now though... because like I said... I'm not unhappy... and all the shit that's happened I try to just block out of my head... so I can't really write about this past week right now... so I just want to say thank you to everyone... you are all the best friends anyone could ever have... even when I was acting like a fucking jackass you guys were still there for me... even when I wasn't there for you... you were there for me... I pray for all of you every night before I sleep... and than I pray that God heard my prayers for you... thank you all for everything you have done... I just wish there was more I could do...
Dec. 6 (6:07 a.m.)
So it's 6 am... I haven't gone to bed yet... I'm not tired... and I don't know what else to do... so here I am... After my previous "high" I had the other day, I seem to now be getting progressively worse... hey... at least it helped me write two songs though right?... Two more songs that I'm too afraid to put up on the site for fear of people's reactions to them... well... I'll tell you the names of them anyway... "Break On The Wheel (Through Me)" & "The Resonating Sound Of Everything Falling Apart". Today has been a very strange day to say the least though... after my presentation and all that I went down to the empo and ran into Meghan Hipsack there... surprising to me, she actually remembered me... That was kinda cool I guess... Anyway... I've pretty much been alone all day long... Jim and Gabe left for the weekend... which, even though I don't really get along with Jim... and Gabe doesn't like me... it would be nice to just have someone here in the room with me... just so I'm not completely alone... Of course I could have went out and stuff... but I really didn't feel like it at all tonight... Especially since Tim (Thoenes) aka T-bone called me up to see if I wanted to do anything... (he was up in the dorms)... Any normal night I would have went and hung out with him... but not tonight... I don't know... well... since I'm up I might as well try to do something constructive instead of bitch about more shit that shouldn't even be bitched about on here... maybe I'll take the rest of Jim's sleeping pills?... yeah... that worked out real fucking well the last time I used those... sigh... there I go with the bitching again... fuck it...
Dec. 8 (1:37 a.m.)
Well... here I am again... early I was feeling... well decent... and now... another 180... I don't know why I keep writing in here... I don't think anyone has found this or even cares if they do or not... I guess that was kinda the point... I don't know... Right now I'm listening to "You Fucked Up My Life" by Blink 182... a song I can somewhat relate to... this whole weekend has just been... so entirely typical... and yet... so different and alien to me... Jim and Ross had already managed to be fucking dicks within about 5 minutes of returning... so that was a real highlight of the weekend... and i have just lost all of my will to write... fuck it...
(1:36 p.m.)
well... almost exactly half a day later and things seem to be going a little better anyway. thanks tom for the multi-houred conversation even though you were about to pass out. i ended up going to bed around 5... and missed all of my classes again today... not that i wasn't up... i just didn't care... george stopped by though (even if it was just to print a paper he had to do) but that was cool cuz we ended up talking for almost 2 hours... and i guess he gave me a condom for letting him use my computer! lol... yeah... not like i really need it there bud... and i'm not saying that i'm a risk-taker and like to go bare-back either... just... yeah... i'm not the kind of guy who just goes out and uses one of those things if you know what i mean... i don't want to go out and just have sex with a girl... i want a girlfriend... at least i think i do... i watched this movie awhile ago... and there was a quote in it that is so true... (goes something like...) "Real love is all too often confused with physical attraction... there is a way you can tell though... by the kiss. all of that other stuff, 'is he/she hot?, the sex,' none of that matters... all that matters is the kiss." and call me naive, but i believe that. i have to go to work right now, but if i have free time i'll probably finish in here and maybe write in the college section too.
Dec. 9 (11:37 a.m.)
Ok... so why haven't I been in the best mood lately?... Big surprise here... Jim and Casey... I just don't know how much more I can take of them... You know what I love about Jim?... Is it that he doesn't respect anything I own? (yes that includes my feelings...not meant to be taken in a homo way)... Is it that he talks about me and everyone else behind our backs?... Is it because I have to live with one of the shadiest people I've ever met?... For starters... he just throws my shit around like nothing... he grabs my things off of my chair and just throws them to the side so he can sit in my chair to play my game on my gamecube using my tv... and when he's done... even though I've asked him to just put the controller away on the shelf like he does when he plays his system... he just throws that on the floor too so it can get trampled... or whatever else happens to things when they're on the floor... Oh and did I mention how he likes to turn up his music as loud as he can when I put on my headphones?... There is no way that he could think that I couldn't hear his music over mine... that's how loud he plays it... (for Mandy and Katy... it would be like having Emily in your room... : \ ) Than today him and Casey were talking about me when they though I couldn't hear them... that's always a self-esteem booster! I still had my headphones on even though my cd was done playing and I over heard them making comments about me (and my mother...) I like to think of myself as a fairly accepting person... I don't hate many people at all... but Jim and Casey are really pushing me... I mean... that was all stuff that happened just today... I'm thinking of two or three possible solutions... either just move out... (but that would cost like $500 extra just to leave... let alone have to pay for another place...) two... just have like Nick over all the time because at least he acts like I don't even exist when Nick is over... so at least he isn't annoying... (like when he was playing Zelda for 7 hours and I asked him if I could watch something on tv... he said to use mine... which we both know doesn't have cable or an antanae... so I get about 1/2 a channel... which is like some crazy Japanese station because they apparently have the most powerful satellites in the world... you know why I don't have cable?... because the jack is on the complete opposite side of the room as my computer... and do you know why that is?... because he wanted the side by the window when we first moved in and I gave it to him trying to be at least a little nice...) and solution 3... Katie said I could sleep over at her place next semester pretty much whenever I wanted because Kelsey is going to be going to school in New England for a semester... So I am seriously thinking about staying over there a lot of nights maybe... which leaves my bed open though... and it's not like Jim hasn't let other people use it before without asking for my fucking permission... he almost got the shit kicked out of me a couple of times already... one time... my first trip back up to school after spending a weekend down in Racine... my rents helped me bring some more stuff up to my room... and what do I find when I get up here?... cigarettes and bobbie pins on my desk... my mom flipped out and thought I had some drunken orgy on my bed and smoked a pack afterwards... (just thank God she didn't look into the fridge) which almost opened when me and my dad were moving it... you know why it would have been extremely bad if it opened?... not because of the 10 or so cans of Coors in the fridge... no... that's a minor infraction... how about because of the 2 bottles of fucking rum and vodka in my freezer?... hmmmm... well... my dad was always more of a beer man... I've never even seen him drink hard liquor really... God only knows how many welts I would have ended up with after that ordeal... Not to mention my parents probably loosing trust in me forever... I can't say that I don't like Casey as much as I don't like Jim... but than again... it's not like I technically live with Casey... he can just be the biggest fucking asshole of a neighbor most of the time... leaving a little note calling me a vagina... yeah... maybe its because I don't like talking to them?... but you already know why that is... Hey... I thought I was at least making an effort to be a nice guy... maybe I wasn't if this is they way I get treated?... Maybe I'm the asshole and I'm just to ignorant to see it?... (little side note... Jim appears to be getting pissed at his "girlfriend" because she keeps saying her stomach hurts... says he just wants to go up there and fucking punch her... hope he's joking... : \ ) Whatever... I'm sick of bitching about unimportant issues anyway... Right now there are hundreds of people dying because they don't have enough to eat... or all the people dying of cancer... just... things that are so much more important than my little "problems"... so much more important than me... That's one of the reasons I want to be like a "rock star" or whatever... It's not because I want to be rich... In fact, I don't want to be rich... if I had money... I would keep probably between like 50-100 thousand to myself... and give whatever else I made to charities and research... wheter it be $100 or $10000000... it would go to like charities... orphanages... cancer research... whatever... I want to try to make a difference in this world... it seems like that's just about one of the only things that makes me happy anymore... making other people happy... or at least trying... that coupled with the fact that writing music is one of the only other ways for me to just let everything out and feel somewhat decent about myself... (what I am doing?... here for an interview?...) Whatever... I'm just waiting for time to crush my dreams and aspirations just like it always has in the past... Nothing ever seems to change when everything is changing... I read a quote today at the poster shop when me and Nick were there... "Dream like you're going to live forever, live like you're going to die today." - James Dean... I'm gonna try to fall asleep... I have to get up early so I can turn in my communications paper... even though I know I won't be able to... maybe if I just take some sleeping pills...
Dec. 12 (4:50 a.m.)
Ok... wow... I don't even know where to start... I think tonight was the angriest/most frustrated I've been since college started... Jim and Casey are seriously like the biggest fucking assholes in the world... and I wish I was sugar-coating it... all they ever do is talk about sick shit and act like fucking "retards"... literally... it wasn't even fucking funny the first time you did that shit so what the fuck in your little perverted fucking mind makes you think that it'll be funny the 142nd time you do it?!!! Imagine a complete stranger who walks up to you and calls you names that a fucking 12 year old would say... one with a stuttering problem at that... and by that I mean... c'mon... if you're gonna insult me at least be fucking creative! I try to be fucking nice and all I get in return is a "fuck you"?!... and Jim... God, why do I have to live with that kid?! Today I got to hear all the details about when he got it on with this one girl in the back of her dad's car... but the thing that really... REALLY pissed me off... the reason why I now think I officially hate Jim... he wanted/tried to take advantage of a drunk girl tonight... Casey didn't seem to think that too bad of an idea... seems like everybody's all about gettin' "it" any way they fucking can... if that's the god damn "college experience"... count me fucking out! I mean jesus fucking christ... you're what... 18 fucking years old?... use your fucking head for once in your god damn forsaken existence... maybe I'm the one not using my head though... who am I to go against the fucking majority?... Maybe I should just stop judging people... I'm sure Jim had a perfectly good reason for what he tried to do tonight... This is gonna be the last time I bitch about this shit... I am sooo fucking tired of it all... I was so pissed off/stressed out about it before that it felt like my heart/chest was literally going to explode... it just hurt like nothing else... dammit... and I was in such a good mood before even though I had a head-ache... (there's another story about that one with Jim too... but fuck it... I'm sick of it...) If this is what I get for trying to be nice and make good... sigh... fuck it...
Dec. 13 (5:15 a.m.)
So why is it that everytime I start to feel even remotely good about myself again... something happens and everything just falls apart again... I mean... not even anything big or significant... just... something... I don't really know how to explain it... and well... I guess something happens that just makes me realize how much of a fucking horrible person I actually am... It's like I've been staring at the mirror with my eyes closed... that something happens where they shoot open and there I am... staring at the real me... unless you're reading this, you don't know the real me... even if you are there's a high likelyhood that you don't... I don't let too many people in to see what I'm really like... I'm not quite sure if I've ever let anyone see actually... probably the closest person is Mike... who is probably the only one reading this too... I'm closer to Mike than I am with pretty much everyone in my family... I've never talked to my parents about girls... I just feel uncomfortable talking about it with them... then again I also come from a very anti-social family too... so that might be a little part of it... There is never much talking going on in my house... which sucks because I'm fine with it when I'm with my family... but when I'm with my friends or a girl or something and I'm not talking I just feel like I'm letting everyone down... Everyone bases so much on what people say... Nobody ever seems to look at what people do or ever are anymore... For me it seems that talking never really solves anything... I would say 90% of what I hear I forget within 5 minutes anyway... seriously... They say the average person only remembers half... and well, let's face it... I'm way below average... If you based your preception of me on what I say, and not what I do, or what I write... than I am afraid to say it is a very distorted preception... There are exceptions of course... like once again, Mike... when me and him talk, the conversation almost always holds some weight, actually means something... unlike 99% of the time when I'm just "shootin' the breeze" so to say... I just try to be funny which never works... try to say what I think the other person wants me to say... Ok Mike... (once again I must reitterate that I do believe that you are the only person who sees this page) I might as well tell you what little, trivial, nonsensical thing has got me all bent out of shape now... you seriously might laugh when you read this, I'm not trying to be funny... but it is just so idiotic what I'm talking about... so I was doing my laundry with Mandy earlier... don't know why... but it felt kind of uncomfortable... maybe just because I haven't seen her in forever or what... I don't know... it's kind of besides the point... what I'm getting at is when I went back to her room to pick up my dvd player... which, by the way, if you did find this page Mandy, does work and does not skip!!!... and when I was leaving we were talking about the concert that is going to be at the YMCA like on the 27th or something and about non-existant going to be there... than all of a sudden she says something like, "yeah, I was talking to Britany for a long time the other night."... just... out of nowhere... I didn't know what to say... how should I have responded?... I was just like... yeah... ok... swell... Than when I got back I found myself wondering what they talked about... and when I looked back on what they could have been talking about... that's when I realized all the things I've done and how big of a fucking asshole I am... and Mike... the more I think about your plan... to move to North Carolina... the more sensicle it becomes... right now I just want to leave... leave everything behind... and basically just start over again... What do you say that after we graduate, if we can both find good-paying jobs in the same state/city (so long as its NOT racine!) we can move in together and just say FUCK RACINE!!! Because right about now... (and sorry if anyone besides Mike is reading this... but that's the risk that you take when you read this page, so if you don't want to read, don't...) I just want to forget everything and pretty much everyone I've ever met... especially Mandy... not because I don't like her... but because all of the fucking shit that I've brought into her life... I don't even deserve to know someone as cool, and understanding, and beautiful, and just plain awesome as her... Sometimes I wonder... even though it does no good except waste a little bit more of the already miniscual amount of "time" we have here on this earth... I wonder how my life would be different if I just did one thing different... even something that seems so insignificant... one specific scenario comes into my mind very often... what if I would have taken Shakespeare and Sports Lit. instead of AP English?... even though it seems like just taking one class couldn't really alter you life dramatically... I can all but guarantee that my life would be completely different from what it is today... for one thing... since we're on the subject of Mandy... she might never have liked me... I really never would have saw her much senior year and we probably would have never talked and got to know each other... unfortunate for her that didn't happen... But than, if I never would have taken that class I never would have met Tom (aka Tee-Money) or Joel either... granted I knew Joel before that but we never really talked... and if this band thing actually by some miracle works out (a miracle because I have no talent what-so-ever when it comes to any type of music...) I have that class to thank for that... and finally... what could have possibly been the most drastic change in my life... I never would have met Brit... That class was the first time I had even heard her name, let alone see her... And well... obviously if I never would have taken that class I wouldn't be so confused and distrought about the whole Brit situation because there wouldn't fucking be one... Sometimes I wish I would have taken those classes... (just for your info I was going to... I signed up for those classes and everything... but Mrs. Hess said she wouldn't let me take them... she wouldn't sign the paper unless it said AP English... kind of hard to say that my life ended up the way it did because of somebody that, at present time, is wearing a straight-jacket...) but then I come to my senses and realize just how much better my life is just for having met Britany that first day she came to class... and I never would have met Tom, one of the coolest, most honest, and best friends I have ever had... and of course I would never have gotten to know Mandy as well as I did either... Mandy... I don't know what I would have done without you... You have been there with me through everything... and yet I just turn a cold shoulder to you whenever you need something... I'm such a horrible person, and if you were smart you would stay as far away from me as you could... : ( ... all I can do is apologize... and say that I'll never do anything again... but there is nothing that weighs down the words that I say... they just seem to blow away in the wind... I'm full of empty promises... strange how all of life is just a series of ironies isn't it?...
Dec. 14 (1:41 a.m.)
Well... nothing happened to me today... I barely left my dorm... most of the time I was studying/trying to... of course it doesn't really help the matter any when you don't wake up til 2... again... shit not that I think back it was more like 3ish... fuck... I don't really have anything to talk about either... Just one thing... something that somebody told me today that really got me thinking... I can't really divulge any information on here... mostly for the reason that, even though this place is hidden better than Atlantis... somebody... mainly the "wrong person" (who at present time doesn't have a name or face...) might manage to stumble upon this... and I don't know who knows what... and it is definately not my place to say what I know... And shit... I just realized that I can't really talk about anything now... It'll give too much away... even though some people play dumb... people in general usually know more than they let on too... So anyway... like I said I've done some thinking today... and well... one of my very good friends just recently found someone who they care for a great deal... and prior to that... felt much the same way about somebody that I do now... and it just got me thinking that maybe there is somebody out there who I love that actually loves me too... after all... there is about what?... 20 million people in New York alone... but at this point I just don't know... I am a firm believer that God put one person on this earth that was meant to spend all of eternity with another... and if you've found yours... but it turns out that they have other plans... then you are just fucked... plain and simple... God didn't choose who I was going to fall in love with... but he knew... somehow he knew who it was... and puts them close to you... so close it kills you... "all i ever wanted was a little reassurance, to let me know that i was still alive..."
Dec. 16 (3:57 a.m.)
So today... aka the past "2" days has been too fucking crazy... first of all... I'm still running on about 30 minutes of sleep over the past 48 hours... 2nd... finals... just stressing me like nothing else... ok... so not really... I don't even fucking care about them... that might be the problem right there... 3rd I just learned an interesting bit of information from my roommate Jim today... apparently he's moving out... fucking tomorrow!!!... We were talking earlier... we do actually talk... we just kind of have an understanding... when he's being an ass hole... aka 95% of the time... we just need to stay out of each other's way... otherwise when he's being cool with me, (and not out trying to fucking take advantage of drunk girls >: O ) I can be cool with him... Apparently when he applied for housing he opted for the single room... and, being "sold out" so to say of the singles, landed a triple... now I guess a single opened up... so he's moving out... like I said, to-fucking-morrow... my only problem with this is that he knew he was moving out over 2 fucking weeks ago and he never fucking told me!! Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I feel I have a right to know when my life/"home" is about to take a drastic change! I'll admit... I am sad to see him go... even though he is a fucking whore twat 95% of the time... he's my fucking whore twat... that sounds bad... but you know what I mean... I mean, if you live with anybody... I don't care if it's Richard fucking Simmons... for 4 months you're gonna get somewhat "attached" to that person. ...heh... just had a bad thought... maybe my good buddy Oleg... aka the original roomy I was supposed to have... got re...im...port...ed?... if that makes any sense?... aka maybe he's a legal citizen now?... : P I don't know... today, like I said... has just been one of the freakin' craziest days ever... like I said... 30 minutes sleep... my final... after that the work Christmas party... than me and Nick hung out for awhile... got some Oakland Gyros, met up with Katie and Kelsey, and went to see Bubba Ho-Tep at the Oriental... wasn't even back for like an hour I don't think when Mandy, Katy, and Allie stopped by... talked with them forever than we were all hungry so we went to George Webb's... at like 2ish... that was just crazy... I ended up getting back around 3:30ish... and now I'm debating whether or not I should see how long I can actually stay up with only 30 minutes of sleep... Anyway... when I got back I noticed my bro left me a couple messages... (aka you lol... unless you're Joel who I think is the only other person who knows where this page is) Man this sucks though... I was so fucking hyper right before I took my final today... that was the most awake I've been in... shit... probably like the whole month... maybe even longer... I just didn't really care about anything, which is a good and a bad thing... I made this kick-ass cd that Mike might want to burn a couple songs off of... (I have a new favorite song and a band I really like a fucking lot!!! the song: "Wait (The Secret Stars)" band: Death Cab For Cutie... they definately play some crazy ass shit... kinda emo-ish... I don't know... I can't catagorize music... (hmmm what's that?... last minute gift ideas?... they have a new album out called Transatlanticism?! Wow... that sounds like a pretty groovilicious album!! : P )but anyway, the party today was pretty fun... not in the way that I wanted it to be though... I don't know if Erin's changed or if I just wanted a girlfriend so bad... but she just didn't seem/look like the same girl... So I spent about 90% of the party talking with Charlie... the only other guy that works in the box office... : \ He's a cool guy though... in a very... "I'm not like you" kind of way if you know what I mean... And I actually got fucking suckered into doing some work!!! On my day off!!! Wasn't anything big at all though... So I don't know about the whole Erin situation... anyway... right now a girlfriend is the last thing I need... (take notice of my rhetoric... I said need... not want... aka I still want a girlfriend, more than ever if anything... : ( ) Omg I love this song so much (aforementioned song)... It makes me so happy and depressed at the same time... Today has been one of my better days though I guess... maybe that's just because I've been too busy to care about anything... Tomorrow is definately gonna suck if that's the case... I am not going to be doing any-fucking-thing at all tomorrow... : ( And Mike... if I could ever remember to play the fucking lottery I would... Our chances of winning would be tripled!! (...or doubled?... : \ hu-rah for calculus next semester! : ( ) Sometimes I would like to move more than others... but it's pretty much become a permanent feeling now though... As in, on any given day I would be ready to pack my bags in a heartbeat... shit I don't fucking care if we have to live in a goddamn van down by the fucking river... I'd still fucking go... especially if I was having one of my bad... aka regular... days... I've made up my mind that I am not going to talk to Brit unless she talks to me first... I hate the feeling I get when I can tell when I'm not wanted... so I figure this will help me never to have to feel that again... especially because she will never write me... ever... It was kind of hard at first... the only thing that really prevented me from talking to her was I just never knew what to say... I always wanted to talk to her... but I never knew what to say anymore... And yeah, I still want to talk with her now... I always will... that part of me will never go away no matter how hard I try... but I would rather feel nothing than the feeling of not being wanted... quite possibly more painful than having your heart regurgitated through a garbage disposal... So this solitude is a welcome change of things... It seems I've become more and more acquainted with lonliness... and it just doesn't seem to bother me as much as it did... half the time I feel more comfortable alone now... I seriously used to be one of, if not the most dependent person I knew... but now all of that has changed dramatically... Something that really helped the other day when I was feeling bad is: I was watching MTV... not really, but ever once and awhile I'd glance over to see what was on... and the music video for "Hold On" by Good Charlotte came on... I'll be the first one to admit that I fucking cried watching it... (before the actual song even starts there is text that reads "Every 18 minutes someone in the U.S. dies of suicide." and is proceeded by a mother talking about her son that commited suicide... and throughout the entire song it shows people that have lost loved ones due to suicide... and... it just really got to me, you know?...) I don't really know how, but that kind of helped me out I guess... I just seemed lighter after watching it... (and I also downloaded it too than...) And I don't know... I mean... I really want to just forget about Brit... even though I know that just by knowing her and having her in my life, my life is infinately better... but I just don't care how much better off I am anymore... I'm sick of hurting... Mike... the instant we win the lottery... or I go Beverly Hillbillies and stike fucking oil or whatever... that fucking moment that we have enough money... let's fucking leave... to... wherever... it doesn't even fucking matter anymore... I mean it... I don't think I would even tell my parents until after we moved I think... I just want to go... and be happy... hope/know everything (will) work(s) out for you Mike! and if anybody is actually reading this, the same goes for you... I only wish you all the best today and every day whether or not I will ever see you again...
Jan. 27 (2:18 a.m.)
So... pretty much everything I've said about today was a lie... not the factual stuff... but the feeling stuff... the things I keep bottled in... classes suck... I know it's only the first day... but man... I'm just a laziest little fucking punk-ass bitch... what can I say?... my new roomie is ok... don't really see him so much... and when I do we don't really talk... like I've said... I'm a real anti-social/not outgoing type person... by the way... he never really had any intention of staying here long either... apparently he too will be getting a single... to leave me, once again, completely clueless as to what is going on... but I think the worst part about tonight was over at Katie's... in case you haven't heard... I think Katie is really cute (although she's definately not caution tape girl : P Mike knows...) and definately wouldn't mind seeing if something could happen there... so we got to her house and Nick had to use the bathroom right away... so me and Katie were talking for awhile and I mentioned that I wanted to move out of the dorms... and she said that I could move in with her... which blew me away... I was like... is this girl serious?!... so we were talking for a little bit longer and Nick came back out... and that was about the last I talked to Katie the entire night... Nick and Katie talked for awhile and I pretended to sleep... even though I was really tired... but not in a sleepy kind of way... and I just realized right now that I have no convictions what so ever... or at least I don't stick with them... because... even though we both did get invited back over... I'm not planning on seeing Katie anytime soon... and hurray for people who bitch about life!!!... 3 cheers for me! Is it bad that I just want to get so fucking cruncked that I "forget" about everything... or maybe find a different method to my madness... there I times when I don't think that even God can save me... I've sunk so far down... and I just don't know what to do... some people give advice to just be yourself... well apparently I don't have the luxury that some people do of actually knowing who I am... Maybe a good night's sleep will cure my ails... it seemed to help last time... of course, last time I wasn't alone either... If life was as easy as we want it to be... would we still try?... or would we want it to be even easier?... "I am heaven sent, don't you dare forget. I am everything you've ever wanted, what all the other boys all promised. Sorry I told, I just needed you to know. I think in decimals and dollars, I am the cause to all your problems. Shelter from cold, we are never alone. Coordinate brain and mouth than ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out... wish I knew. I hope this song starts a craze, the kind of song that ignites the airwaves. The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are with whoever they're there with. This is war, every line is about who I don't want to write about anymore. Hope you come down with something they can't diagnos, don't have the cure for. You're holding onto your grudge, oh it's so hard to have someone to love. And keeping quiet is hard, cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start. At least pretend you didn't want to get caught. We're concentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fights. I just want to believe, I just want to believe... I just want to believe in us. We're so controversial. We are entirely smooth. We admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do. These are the words you wish you wrote down, this is the way you wish your voice sounds. Handsome and smart, oh my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart. And it's all from watching tv, and speeding up my breething. Wouldn't stop if I could. Oh it hurts to be this good, and you're holding onto your grudge. Oh it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love... so let it go. This is the grace only we can bestow. This is the price you pay for a loss of control. This is the break in the bend, this is the closest of calls, this is the reason you're alone this is the rise and the fall!!! We're concentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fights. I just want to believe, I just want to believe... I just want to believe in us." Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't by: Brand New
Jan. 28 (1:28 a.m.)
wow... it almost makes me sick how right jeff and mike were when they said life is just made up of a series of ironies... i don't really know how to explain it other than the farther i try to get out... the more i just get sucked back in... ironies and coincidences... strange... i don't believe in coincidences... coincidence?... i think not... i heard this really good quote in 21 grams tonight... sean penn said... "so many things have to happen for two people to meet"... which is so true... take me being friends with regina and kristin at work... or me knowing nick... the reason i got that job is because of one tim thoenes... he put in a good word for me and got me the job... i met him because of freshman year spanish class... in which the name i choose was pedro (because of one of my best friends at the time who was named pedro)... i never even would have talked to tim if i never would have picked that name because that's the reason i started talking to everyone in that class... is because alex mich remembered what pedro meant from the movie varsity blues... which got me talking to everyone in that class... the class that i never wanted to take in the first place but i took because my friend pedro was spanish and i wanted to know what his mom said when she yelled at him... my friend pedro who moved away later that year... who the only reason i met in the first place was during a neighborhood football game... a game that if i was sick or didn't feel like playing for whatever reason... i may have never have met pete (pedro) and than all that other stuff wouldn't have happened the way it did either... i know i just keep going on and on... what i'm just trying to say is that its funny how things work out sometimes... and how different your life could be if you just made one little decision differently... every person that you meet... try and make the most of it... because you obviously didn't just meet them for no reason at all...
Feb. 2 (11:29 p.m.)
Well, its just been one of those days... Started out okay... and slowly degenerated and... its one of those times I just don't want to be here right now... Was talking to Liz earlier... if you can call it talking... she said she had to go and study after like five minutes... from the little bit that I did get to talk to her, it sounds like she's... not her... from what i gathered it seems to be male related... and it really hurts me to see liz like that... because 1) i still have feelings for her, and 2) she's way to good of a person to have to go through all the shit that she's been through. every night before i go to bed i pray for all my family and friends to be happy, but lately it seems like my prayers must get distorted before they get to God... either that or he just doesn't seem to listen or care... can't really blame him/her if he's/she's sick of listening to someone like me though... it also seems like my "mood swings" are becoming more and more drastic as of late... i don't know if it's partially due to all the problems some of my close friends seem to be having lately or just built up from something else or what... but today one song changed the mood that i was in... one song... i was feeling... tired but good... than i listened to "The No Seatbelt Song" by Brand New... i guess it was probably coupled with that, what's happening with liz, and all the other drama around here. (kurt and katie mainly) but that's a different long story. basically... i've all but completely forgotten about amy (caution tape girl or ctg to the lay person) which is probably for the best, i couldn't see anything happening there anyway... for about 1 million+ reasons... bad "side-effect" of that is me thinking about Brit... i thought that maybe if i try to push her out of my life i'd be better off... i just don't know anymore... i think i've pretty much lost all stability in my life and i'm just waiting for me to topple over and end up with a domino effect... taking down everything and everyone close to me... at this point i could really see myself just moving away and leaving everything... my family, my friends, and all my problems... i don't want to hurt anybody else lord... i don't deserve to have friends like i have... i should just be living in a dark room by myself somewhere... just severe my contact with everything... including my heart... i just wish that all my family and friends can be happy lord... i don't care what happens to me anymore... i don't know if that's good or bad... the beginning or the end... i just don't know...
Feb. 12 (6:50 pm)
well... for once this shit isn't really gonna be centered around me bitching about life! you go dave! its yo birfday... like i was saying... last night over at katie's was soooo much fun! it was me, katie, and nick, and we hung out and watched some tv... played some taboo... had a little to drink... lol... i have to admit... that was the most tipsy i can recall i've been... which isn't saying much lol... all i'm saying is drunk taboo is way fun! the only thing that really sucked about last night is that katie passed out by like midnight... so than me and nick were playing taboo for like an hour still drinking lol... i don't think it really helped matters that the only thing i had to eat all day yesterday was a nacho cheese chalupa and a chicken quesadia... lol... but that was a great time... me and nick were kinda confused as to what to do when we left cuz katie was just passed out on the living room floor... so we just put a blanket on her and left her a note... lol it took us like 15 minutes to figure out how to lock the door... but today was really awesome too... we did our first lab in my geo lab... and i think i was probably put into the best group next to the beatles! there was this one girl meghan in my group... omg... she was so hot and nice as hell too! she's like in between the hot where you want to marry them hot and the "god is my guy for even putting me in the presence of this girl" hot!!! and i even actually talked to her for a little while!!! can you believe it?! and there was this other girl in our group too and i hate myself cuz i don't think i could remember this girl's name if my life depended on it!! she was pretty hot too... but in comparison to meghan, i don't even think i'd be able to call salma hayak hot! : P lol... ok... so that's a little bit of an exageration... but this other girl was way cool too! she was even able to bail me out of a little prediciment i was in! we needed a ruler so we could get all our points for the lab... which i didn't have... so this girl fucking stole a ruler and was like... you need one of these?... i was like... if you're talking about you than... hellz mother fuckin yeah!... ok... so i didn't say that... i was just left speechless... that and because i couldn't remember her name... : \ ... its too bad for jeff though... meghan's a hatter : P... a hardcore style hatter at that : P... but the only thing though is she seems like she'd be a party girl... most girls with hats are arent' they? that and when she first walked into class she came in with some guy too... boo on that... i wanted to say something to her before the lab was over but she was still taking our pre-post-quiz-post-lab exam or some shit like that... anyway... after my lab i had to hustle my ass over to my history discussion seeing as how i was already runnin' late... and there's this really cute girl in that class too!! i didn't get a chance to talk to her though... but her name's katherine (katie... way way too many freaking katies... god i hope that girl from my geo lab wasn't named katie... : \ ) but she looks reeeeeeeeeal familar... like she used to go to park or something familiar... anyway... i need to actually get some fucking balls and start talking to these girls... cuz yeah, i know i'll be with them all semester... but time fucking flies by... seriously... that and in my geo lab its not like we actually get to choose our groups... so there's no garuntee that i'll even ever be in the same group as either one of those awesome girls again... : (... on a down note though... the connection that was once between me and the quad seems to have all but disappeared... if that makes any sense... it sucks but i don't know what to do about it... it seems like they could care less when they're around me... and to be honest... i kinda feel the same way... like i said... things change... and to be honest... the only thing that's constant is that things are always changing... its not that i don't like them or that i don't care for them... because if i said i didn't i'd be lying... its just when i'm around them there are other places i'd rather be... i know that sounds really bad... and that if they read this they'll probably take it the wrong way... they'll probably think i'm saying that i just plain don't want to hang out with them... which isn't the case... i just can't explain this... i don't know... p.s. if anyone received a drunken IM from me the other night... yeah... sorry about that... i have a feeling mel might have... because i think i remember me typing her something... (good thing i didn't have to type in my password right mike? lmfao! that was awesome bro!) i think i better shut my fucking mouth before i make anyone else completely hate me though... i'm just glad that for once it seems like things might work out for the best... i just have a weird feeling about this... not sure if that's good or bad... i that i pretty much just contradicted myself but meh... its a free country : P
Feb. 14 (4:04 am)
well... like i said... tonight was a fucked up and crazy night... well... not that crazy... more frustruating i guess than anything... i'm sure you, if not you know, i am kinda crushing for my friend katie... and what was so frustruating about tonight was the "mixed signals" she seemed to be giving me... which are probably mostly in my head... the only signals she's probably giving me is the blender... aka i would rather stick my face in a blender than even consider dating you... anyway... i'll stop beating around the bush... ha... yeah... the "bush"?... and i'll just get on with the god-fuck story and stop wasting your time like all those commercials about o & h bakery when the guy says "hey olaf! you forgot something!" and then that fucking faggot ragamuffin says "ooooh, so good bakery" and i just want to implant/wedge a fucking fire axe into his chest cavity... but enough about my pent up childhood passive/aggresive rage... on with the story... so i get home from work a little after 8 and i don't have any plans for anything so i call up katie to see what she's up to... she tells me that her plans for the night fell through so she's not doing a damn thing... other than being cool... and awesomely cute... (ha... i just realized... she's probably be getting up in about 30 minutes to go to work... hope you get up on time kates...) anyway... i headed over there and we talked for a bit when i got there... nothing special... just everyday talk and stuff... so than she really wanted to watch the original batman movie so we popped that sucka in fasta than a raving, horny midget at a whore-house/vineyard... kinda sucked that i was running/still am running on bouts 4 hours sleepish... and also sucks that her chairs are so flippin' comforable!... within the first 10 minutes of the movie i was half passed out... kinda in that purgatory state... you know... when you first start to doze off but than you catch yourself... except i didn't have to catch myself... anyway... that's pretty much how i was through the whole movie... which sucks... but i still managed to make a few comments here and there... my problem is... if i don't get a "response" out of my "audience" i tend to give up way to easily... i don't know if it had to do with all this black on black crime or i just wasn't being funny... but she really didn't seem to be laughing or anything... (there were a couple where she did... but... yeah... a couple?... boo...) none of mine were making me laugh either, but then again... it is pretty rare when i actually make myself laugh... and when that happens... i tend to be the only person laughing... : \... anyway... i digress... so it seemed to me that she wasn't really into me at all... so... like all good frenchmen... i gave up... (to bad i'm not french or i might actually have a legitimate excuse eh?) gave up more or less i guess... i still kept talking and stuff... but i just wasn't really trying i guess... anyway... so the movie ends and we talk for a little bit after it... after a little while i'm on my way out and she offers me a ride back which is obviously nothing unordinary... just common courtesy here people, c'mon... anyway... i respectfully decline... at this point i just wanted to get out so i could stop feeling like i was wasting her time... so i'm on my way out and just about to say goodbye when her phone rings... i'm thinkin it'll give me an oportunity to slip out undetectablelike... so i got the door open and my foot is ready to start the revolution when she gives me a "come back in" hand motion... i'm both ecstatic and petrifibly terrified at the same time... i'm happy because... well because i like her... and she wants me to stay at least for another second whatever the reason may be... but i'm also terrified because i know that it seems like she's really not feeling me... so she gets off the phone and tells me that it was erin (her roommate kelsey's bf, p.s. kelsey is on the east coast for the semester... hmmmm) and his friend brian who both wished katie a happy valentine's day... now... there is a mutual hatred between katie and erin... so this was a very weird situation needless to say... from what i gather, erin treats katie like shit... so basically if i ever see this guy and think i can take him, he's going down faster than a bucket of chicken at oprah's... : P seriously though... unless his alias is fucking lennox lewis or something, that mother fuckers going down... all the way to chinatown!... : \ anyway... i can't remember exactly what transpirred in the following couple minutes so i will try to summarize the best i can... to me it seemed like she was thinking out loud but she said something about having me around in case they call again or something... it didn't sound that much like an invitation, i can remember that much anyway... maybe if i would have been having a better night i would have talked to her about it more or something... i don't know... but we just talked a little longer and than i headed out... go ahead and call me a fucking dusche... i mean... i really like katie... don't get me wrong in that... but... i just don't feel that connection with her... i don't know why... she's everything that i could ever want in a girl... i do know however that my feelings might change and that by as soon as when i wake up tomorrow i might feel that connection... its happened before... but usually when it happens like that its not "permanent" for lack of better termonology at 5 in the morning... but because katie is smart, incredibally nice and cool, and one of the beautiful girls i've ever met... i'm surprised that i don't have a problem with her past, which... i'm obviously not going to talk about because its not really anybody's business... but let's just say she wasn't no fucking nun's apprentice...?... huh... apparently somehow i got donald trump's new reality show mixed up with the catholic faith... i think there's really only 2 reasons why i don't feel a "connection" (or whatever you want to call it) with her... 1) because honestly, i think if she likes anyone between me and nick, it's nick... and 2) because she's a vegetarian... but not for the reason you might think... i don't have anything against vegetarians... i actually think it would be great if i could be one... i've seen some of the things that those places do to the animals... and its fucking disgusting... the reason is... i just don't think i'd be able to live without meat... seriously... cuz i can't stand seafood... so that leaves what?... salad and poptarts?... and i know if i was going out with katie, well i would want to try to be a vegetarian anyway... that would probably be hard on her if i wasn't one... and i really respect that she's able to do something like that... and like i said... i wish i could too... but anyway... that was pretty much what i was talking about... man... a couple times when we were watching batman and she was laying on the couch i just wanted to get up, walk over there, and lay right down next to her... and just snuggle or spoon or whatever... but i ain't nowhere near ready to get a fucking restraining order slapped on me... not to mention a swift knee to the posse... maybe if i had a little liquid courage i'd work up enough balls to get shot down... honestly... i don't see how i'm even friends with her... she's a way better person than me... and 10 times the man that i am (lol that's not saying she's masculine at all... that's saying how big of a vagina i have) even though i'm like 96% sure she doesn't like me (cuz seriously... i have no idea what she would see in me) i just wish there was a sign or something so i could know, no matter how slim the chances, if she likes me even remotely... if she doesn't, that's fine... it's not gonna change my feelings about her... and it's not like i've never been rejected before... and you can't really blame her if she likes nick more than me (of course assuming she likes me at all), i mean, compared to that kid i'm about as exciting as a ben stein clear eyes commercial... anyway... as always... 10 to 1 i'm not gonna do anything about this "situation"... so, God... all i'm saying is... if for some crazy reason she likes me (whether it be insanity, blindness, or some sort of disease that effects only your decision making skills) i just hope she's assertive... cuz as you all know, i'm not one of those people who really openly expresses his feelings... (aka i'm too tired for my neck to support my head anymore and i'm very anti-social/confrontational/risk-taking...) so, God... like i said... yeah... hope you keep your tabs on what's going down in milwaukee up there dudes... anyway... peace out all...
2-16-04 (2:10 am)
well... another fairly confusing day... so no new news to report i guess... right now my roommate's watching one of his dvds in my dvd player... kinda pisses me off cuz i just wanted to listen to some music and go to sleep... but i'm not gonna be a little bitch about it and not let him watch it... the kicker is that its some hip hop tour video or something... meh... whatever... anyway... i think that my problem is that i just need a girl... cuz it seems that every girl i come across... i like... i was at work today... which would have really sucked if anna wasn't there... i'm afraid i have a crush on anna too in other words... along with katie, erin, caution tape girl, the geo lab girls, and katie and nicole from my history discussion... ummm... that probably isn't it... but i can't remember any more... but anna's way totally cute and awesome too... she's way more my type than katie is, but... i don't know... when i was at work she said that i should go to the movies with her and her friend denise (who i also work with)... she was probably just being nice though because i gave her a lot of my movie passes i got from work because 1) i don't use them and 2) she does... i ended up not going because i had homework to do tonight... i'm hoping i'll talk to her about it tomorrow though... maybe see if she wants to go some other time... i don't know... we'll see... i don't really have too much else to write home about... so i guess i'll just be forced to watch this hip hop video thing... cuz i obviously can't put my music on... and i can't fall asleep without my music on... well... i can... i just don't like to... anyway... i'll just shut up and find something to entertain me for however long this excrutiating pain goes for... peace out y'all... don't really know what else to say...
2-19-04 (6:51 pm)
well... today was a pretty good day so far... i don't know how much is left... i'm fucking tired as negro during the cotton bowl... : P... i ended up passing out in my econ class... i fuckin' hate it when you get that twitch/spasm thing... than everybody in class at you looks like you're a fucking crack whore just because you got a little snuff all over your face... meh... anyway... reason today was good... really only one reason... but it was a fucking good reason... and a bad one at the same time... anyway... i'm sure as you all know, thursday is my geo lab day... and i don't know how... and i don't care how... but me and megan ended up in the same group again... it was actually megan, 2 other girls, and me in the group... to bad its not like we pick 'em... she just hands out sheets of paper... but anyway... there's 6 lab stations that each group has to go to... and for the first 2 nobody was really saying anything... but after that me and her actually got talking and stuff... she's a year older than me... but that's not the problem... we were talking about all kinds of stuff... and she was telling me about this crazy thing that happened to her last year... and i was like... and i said something like, shit like that happens in racine all the time... so she asked if i was from racine and i said yeah... than... fuck... she was like... my boyfriends from racine... FUCK-SHIT! she said he went to st. cat's... and i can definately tell that this girl is not my type... from the sound of it she parties like a fuckin' astronaut... who party 3 times as hard as rock stars according to the latest u.s. census... but she seems really nice and stuff though... and her fucking blinding hotness make-up for any of the little shortcomings she has (i.e. having a bf, and partying like there's no tomorrow) and than some... and by some... i mean... not some... a lot?... lol jeff woulda shit his sock again though... cuz i'm like 90% sure she was wearing a different hat than she was last time... she's prolly like some kinda super-hot hat wearing girl... but anyway... it sounds like she's pretty serious with her bf... cuz it kinda sounded like they were living together too... obviously i wasn't gonna ask... but just seeing her again put a smile on my face... both of them : P j/k... seriously though... even though i probably won't be in her group again... and class will probably be super boring without her in my group... i can't wait for next thursday... just so i can see her again... its not too often in life you meet someone who can cheer you up just by being there...
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