Mayhem on the Open Sea
Now I'm sure almost everyone has heard about the crazy boat story, but I also know that there are some people out there who have no idea what I'm talking about when I make references to it. So here is a little enrichment for those of you who want to hear about it.
It all started one day back in July, 2003. I can't remember the exact day but that doesn't really matter. All I know is that almost everything went wrong from point #1. For me it started around 10 am when I got a call from Bryan (B-Jizzle) Jake and Chase (What up folks?) Leonard asking me if I wanted to go out on BJ's boat. I didn't have anything planned for awhile and I needed to work on my tan so I hastily agreed. When I got to Bryan's, Chase and BJ were working on the boat and they explained to me all the troubles they had getting it started (including, but not limited to a very stong gas smell coming from the boat). Something with the battery and yada-yada-yada they bought some parts that set 'em back a few. Now by the time I got there, our forth (Nina) was already supposed to be there. We had heard absolutely nothing from her until we called and she explained she was at the bank or something. (everything is kind of fuzzy before the point where I was almost incinerated) Anyway, by the time we got everything ready (food, tubes, boat, nina, etc.) we were running about 2-3 hours behind schedule. Normally for us that's not that big of a deal. It actually happens all the time so we thought nothing of it. So we finally tied everything down and got on the road. But we still had to go get more food and gas for the boat. (that last part is very important so remember that later on) So after we filed the boat's tank full and kept some lady blocked in for about 20 min. we were on our way again. Also while we were stopped we tried to get one more person for a 5 man crew, but nobody was home, and Jason was sleeping (it was about 1 by then, Jason usually doesn't get up until 3) Then Bryan, being the navigational expert that he is (I shouldn't be talking), goes the wrong way out of the gas station. And about 2 more wrong turns before we finally get on a highway. After cruising for awhile we realize that our intertube is just about to take off at around 65 mph. So we pull over and Chase and me fasten that sucker down again. So we're on our way again and a little bit farther into our journey we realize that we all need fishing liscenses still. So after a couple more wrong turns we end up at this wilderness store in the middle of nowhere. We all go to get our liscenses (it was my first one so I had to fill out TONS of paperwork). After BJ, Chase and me got ours, Nina said she needed a little cash, so we chipped in for her to get a liscense. It was her first one too, so she had all the paperwork to fill out, one of which had to do with her social security number. After she turned it in and the guy ran it through, he got this really puzzled look on his face. He tried it a couple more times and then told Nina that her social security number didn't match her identity. Chase, BJ and me just looked at her like she was some crazy criminal or something. Nina was going crazy because she had been filling out job applications and that was the "incorrect" social security number that she was putting on all of them. We decided to forget about it and get going (about 4-5 hours behind schedule now) So after a few last wrong turns we finally get to our destination. And we pretty much got the boat in the water without a hitch (figuratively and literally). Chase jumped in to get it started and I got to hold the rope to make sure he didn't float away. :P Anyway like I said before, BJ and Chase had some trouble getting it started, and this time was no exception. Eventually Chase did get it going but it ended up dying. So he kept trying and trying, and by this time we were all in the boat and we had all of our things in the boat too. Then the engine stops turning over all together so Chase is checking out the battery to make sure the cables weren't lose. He's down there fiddling with the cables, taking them off, putting them on. But the second time that Chase put the cables back on they must have sparked. And remember that gas smell I was talking about earlier? The spark ignited the fumes and FWOOSH! Flames all over the damn place, but mainly in Chase's face. :( Now while Chase was fiddling with the wires BJ sent me to the van to get the intertube so I was on my way off the boat (one foot on the boat and one foot almost on the dock) when the boat gave way. I almost fell off the boat, but I had no idea there was a fire, I just thought BJ fell down or something (that's not too uncommon :P) Then I heard Chase yell, "We got fire!" like we were fucking boyscouts or something, camping out and using those sticks to make friction and cause a fire. I'll never forget those words for as long as I live. I didn't know what to do, I just stood there on the dock, frozen. Then Nina calmly asked if I could help her out, I was just like, "yeah. sure, whatever." While Chase and BJ are running around jumping out of the fucking boat throwing our cooler on the fire (the fire extinguisher was empty of course). Then Chase yells some more unforgettable words, "Call the fire department!" That's when it registered for me that the boat was actually on fire. So as Nina and me were following Chase and BJ's lead, getting into the water and splashing water onto the fire, a group of old people were calming tying their boat to the dock and trying to slink away unnoticed (those heartless/hipless bastards) And that other part that I told you to remember, about the completely full gas tank...yeah. If the flames would have managed to get in there we seriously would have died. Thanks to Chase's quick thinking and all of our persistence we finally got that fire put out. (mad props and a big thank you to Chase, BJ, and Nina, but most of it was Chase. And a GINORMOUS no thank you to those old people who didn't even ask if we were ok after the fact!) Everyone acted like nothing even happened. I was just like, "holy fuck we coulda died and that guy's just throwing his stick to his damn dog!" After we finally got everything under control Chase realized just how bad his face was. So we got that boat hooked up to BJ's van in record time and bolted outa there. When we got back to Ray-town we went straight to St. Mary's ER (and parked in the "no parking, ambulance entrance only" part of the lot of course) We got it moved in time though. After about an hour and a couple cc's of morphine we got to see Chase. Nina and me got to joke around with him a little before he had to get his eyes checked. We all eventually made our way home (some quicker than others obviously) and later that night Bryan and me went to go see Pirates of the Carribbean. In which the opening scene has a boat that's on fire. We started cracking up uncontrollably. (at this point it was funny because everyone was going to be ok) Everyone in the theater just stared at us. That's pretty much all there is to tell except for a couple instances of good natured ribbing on Chase's face and BJ. So I would like to take this last opportunity to once again thank Bj, Nina, and especially Chase for their valient efforts and one last big FUCK YOU to all those other people who just sat there as we were all almost incinerated! And thanks to everyone else for their moral support and stuff :P And now you know that crazy boat story that Chase, BJ, Nina and me are always talking about.
Can You Say Road Rage?...
I figured I would use this space to tell all of you about another crazy story that happened to me. Most of you have probably heard this one already too, but I figured I'd put it on here anyway...its not like I'm forcing you to read this right? hehe little do you know! j/k
This one all started when I invited Joel to come up to Oshkosh with me so we could tour the college and stuff. We had to leave at like 5 in the morn (the party was still bumpin cuz it don't stop til 8 in the mornin' according to my fellow g-sters) so we were extremely over-tired. Thanks again to Joel for coming with me on what would have been a very long, monotonous and lonesome journey without company. About half an hour into our journey we realized that we didn't have any music what-so-ever so we went to turn some on when we realized that we needed a code to activate the radio. (Apparently people break into cars to listen to the radio these days, so by installing a code it prevents people from unlawfully listening to your radio) I figured we were gonna be in for a long, quiet ride, but I couldn't have been more wrong. On the way up we decided to "test" the civic. Joel found this extemely deserted portion of open highway and we took off like...well...something that takes off at 125 miles per hour! I swear we started taking flight! Although, that could have just been me blacking out due to the G's we were pulling. Needless to say we made it up to Oshkosh in record time. After an extremely routine and mundane tour we were on our way back. This is where the story gets exciting. And I'm not talking about the two people we saw who tried to turn left in the far left lane on the interstate. Wierdos. Anyway, the good part of the story goes like this. Coming back when we were in Milwaukee where the speed limit drops down to 55. (Drew knows what I'm talking bout, right buddy?) We were still going 70 but there was a guy riding on our ass. Now he was right behind us for a good 5 miles, during which he could have simply passed us, but he wanted to go the hard way. Joel and me were all too willing to oblige. So Joel lets off the gas until we are going 55, the actual speed "limit." The guy is still on our ass and doesn't show any sign of letting up or passing us so Joel decides to punch it. We get it up to about 80 before he decides to lay off, at which point we realize this asshole is still on our tail. So we slow back down to about 70 and he is still riding us. Finally, for whatever reason, my guess is either divine intervention or the voices in his head told him to, he passes us. I wanted to take a look at this jerkface that was giving us so much trouble, so when he drove by us I looked over. This guy was wearing a cammo hat and the works! He looked like one of those guys who would say, "Guns don't kill people...I kill people!" What really pissed me off is he just glared at us like we were the cause of his every problem in the world. Anyway, that really made me juplexagis! (That's a word that I just made up because the English language does not have a word to describe just how I felt at the time) Okay, so I tend to exagerate from time to time. It didn't make me that mad. It did make me want to give him a legitamate reason to look at us like that though. A couple more miles down the road we got our chance. This cornholer was doing the same thing to another person who he was riding behind. So Joel and me decided to box him in. I must admit we did a damn good job too, until an RV ahead of us was going too slow so we had to move. After that we lost sight of the guy until about 2 miles before our exit. We were in the far right lane getting ready for our exit ramp when we see him in the far left lane. With complete disregard for everyone else on the road he pulls across both the other lanes of traffic without signaling and pulls right in front of us. At this point I was laughing hysterically. I was like, "Wow, we just pissed someone off who recently broke out of his padded room!" What happened next just goes to prove my point. Now remember, we're still on the I, going about 65 mph. This lunitic, without warning, hits his brakes! I was almost pissing my pants I was laughing so hard. (Probably because I was freaking out that we were about to die) So Joel drops down into 3rd gear and starts revving his engine. Which must have really urked the guy because he slams on his brakes again. Joel is lucky that he was driving because if that would have been me, I wouldn't be telling you this story now. I was laughing so hard there is no way I would have been able to react and brake in time. We finally saw our exit/salvation from the Satan of I-94 and were getting ready to turn off and finally be rid of this psycho! For this next part of the story remember that this guy was in front of us. As we start pullin off at our exit this guy desides he's Evil Kenivel and he starts to pull off too. I seriously thought me and Joel were fucked when this happened. I kept telling myself, "There is no way this is happening! This can't be happening!" Once again, very sporadically and at the last possible second the guy gets off the ramp and back onto the I. He missed the exit sign by about 5 feet max. Seriously. That crazy asshole almost killed himself trying to mess with us! Sometimes I wish he would have gotten off the ramp with us though, that way Joel could have pulled right up next to him and I would have just smiled and waved at him.
We Got Fire