sept 27th
i was going to the bathroom today... (congratulations dave... that's quite the achievement in today's world...) so after my sense of victory and accomplishment slightly diminished i began to ponder how basketball players use public "restrooms"... i'm 6'2"... roughly... but some b-ballas can grow to a monstrous 7' tall!!!... me being 6'2"... i'm pretty much at the top of the urinal if you catch my drift... anyway... that being said... i'm over sunday night... i don't know if alex is though... poor kid... when he woke up monday morning the doughnut was flat... completely lost my train of thought... runaway train never coming back... tom petty... anyway... i was at home last weekend... my toilet freaked me the damn out... everytime you pull the handle... it flushes... surprised?... what if i told you that it flushes twice!... yeah... i know... its creepy... it seems that the only class i don't really have a problem talking to people in is my soc. class... which i guess is kinda ironic... and crappy... i hate business students... my soc. disc. was pretty fun today... was a little pissed that i actually read a story that was supposed to be read... but than we didn't even talk about it... that's another 2 hours of my life that i could have used to play madden... or grow and nurish orange trees... i think my mom threw out lots of my art work that i did... because i can't find any of it... i drew this awesome pic of bruce lee... and a watercolor of an airplane that i did back in art class... and my philidelphia eagles logo that i made in my arts metals class... which are pretty much the only 3 pieces of my "art" that i've made in my "career" that i can look at without vomiting! (although i prefer the verb 'gushing') anyway... i gotta fly... just like that?... yeah... yeah... lates! have a super duper day!
tomorrow - 1 = september 26
current mood: pissed
clothes: soaked
look on alex's face: priceless
ok... soo... this is prolly gonna be pretty short... like my temper... first and foremost i guess i would just like to thank wisconsin for having such an incredible interstate transportation system... i mean... the quality of the roads and their durability... everything... the amazing and timely service that they provide... its so rare that road construction actually causes traffic... that is something to take pride in wisconsin... but perhaps what best defines the outstanding transportation system is how well the roads/highways handle the rain... the run-off rate is absolutely incredible!... you will NEVER find stagnant water on the roadways... that being said... FUCK THE FUCKING WISCONSIN FUCKING TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM!!! whose idea of an acceptable warning for a road that's flooded is a single squad car with its sirens on... i'm not really that pissed though... i just like to make a scene... anyway... so we (alex, joel and me) got off on 794... and alex took the corner what may have been a little sharp... managed to clip the fuck out of the curb... i mean really layed into that little bitch... ended up with a flat tire... which is now in our house... had to change it in the worst downpour of the year... holding a fucking tire iron in a lightning storm... just a white shirt on... mmmmhmmmm... trust me when i tell you that you would have been vomiting had you seen me in my wet t-shirt contest... holding a gallon of milk... anyway... just wanted to get that out... changed into dry clothes when i got home... but my memory is still wet with anger... and of course as soon as we're done changing the tire the rain lets up almost completely... son of a bitch
septemBERRRR 22
violins are the devil's instrument of the apocolypse... sorry... but working in what appears to be a violin tinkering factory... i'm sorry... i'm still out of it... jus a lil' bit... feeling "better" though... at least that's what all the pills are "telling" me... so the other day... when the ceiling tile collapsed... when i was minding my own business... singing 'dangerzone'... ironic?... whatevs... anyway... i was thinking... "what... do i live in the superdome?! f'in A!!!" too soon?... i just think its funny that i made that connection... because that's where people were "evacuated" to... until the roof caved in... than they got the white people the hell outa there!... j/k... i'm super duper hungry right now... i only had breakfast... how come breakfast is pronounced like it is?... but when you seperate the words... or put them in a "time-out" its break fast?... spaces... english's way of saying "fuckyou!"... anyway... so i talked to a girl in my production and operations class (or operation and productions class... it depends on how many work stations there are and what the heuristic value of the line process is... sarcasm?... anyone?...) but at first i wasn't exactly "taken" by her... i was actually wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder(ing) why... wh-wh-wh-wh-why... she was in a business class... because she looked more like a liberal arts major... i know... don't judge a book by its cover... (i was thinking about that in my soc. class... if i have time i'll get into all that... its really the bees knees) but anyway... she was pretty funny and had me crackin' up... so she's got that going for her... and the fact that pretty much any girl who talks to me while i'm in my "so desperate it doesn't matter if she even has a face" stage moves up about 3 clicks on the hotness richter scale... or the difference from a "gentle disturbance" to a "cars flipping over/people running into the streets"... completely different topic... wanna throw it out there... if you like it, great... if you don't... you can send it right back... this year the nfl is going to be completely turned around... its pretty easy to tell that when the two most promising teams start the season 0-2!! (of course i'm talking about my boyz, the minnesota vikings, and the arizona cardinals... man those new uni's are sweeeet!!!) first off... you have minnesota... the purple people eaters... the frickin steel curtain man... the monsters of the midway for crying out loud... (j/k about the nicknames... doof... : P ) they have what is quite possibly the best running back in history in adimchinobe echemandu... put this frickin' stallion to work already!!! secondly... daunte culpepper is obviously over the hill and washed up... so the viks have one of two dynamic options... either a) put the untested, budding youth of brad johnson in or 17) find that young whippersnapper who goes by randall cunningham... with those two changes the vikings would be able to go 14-0 the rest of the season... or even 15-0 because they wouldn't even need a bye week due to all the youngsters on the team!!! the arizona cardinals?... they haven't even been trying... and they shouldn't be... why doen't the nfl make them face a worthy opponent for once... the giants?... the rams?... what is this?... 1992?... do the rams have jim everett leading the charge?... no... and they got rid of "the bus" jerome bettis because the bus turned into a 'trainwreck'... personally i can't wait until week 17!!! ZONA vs. INDY!! the only game that could give the cards more trouble is week 15 vs. the skins!!! with mark brunell back at the helm the redskins are going to do some damage!!! zona is gonna have to be dressed to the 9's!!! (and with those new uniforms that shouldn't be too hard) but i have to say... if i was going to have a fantasy football team... i would definately have to start rick mirer or dave krieg at qb... and maybe rashan salaam at rb... but only if lashon johnson couldn't start... more on that to come though... moving on... moving on... just two more things before i let you go (aka i get out of work!!! woot!!! oh yeah... that definately gets a "woot") so yesterday... i put my under-undershirt on... which is my shirt that i put on just before i put my undershirt on... j/k... but anyway... it smelled like powdered doughnuts!!! honest!... and man was i craving them yesterday! (i almost just said kraven... as in spiderman's arch-nemisis... i'm a nerd...) but that and there's a bunch'o'peeps i have to call today... abso-fucking-lutely have to call regina... i been meaning to talk to her for quite some time now... and i think my aunt and uncle from texas are gonna call today... and i have to call the dentist... and ghostbusters... and yo mama... and shawna called... she wants me to meet one of her friends... i do horrible in situations like that... i just hope i don't vomit (aka spew/gush) all over her... i tend to do that around pretty girls... and shawna said her friend is really pretty... and i've seen some of shawna's friends... and they're all almost as easy on the eyes as shawna... but seriously... shawna and her friends that i've seen are all really really ridiculously good-looking... maybe i should tell shawna to put a bag or something over her friends head... because otherwise if i see how attractive she is i might pee myself... have you ever had to urinate... but just forgot about it?... like... man... i really have to pee... i wonder what's on the food channel... what's that?... did i spill tepid coffee on my leg?... cuz that's never happened to me... ever... in a circuit city... anyway... above all i just want shawna's friend to have a good time if we do hang out (she just got over a bad break-up apparently... so i'm thinking she might be going through a 'every guy i see deserves to have his balls removed with a rusted spoon' stage... so i might were a cup... yup...) plus shawna said her friend really isn't interested in any being with any guys right now... anyway... hope i make her laugh... and don't make a complete ass out of myself... well we've had quite a journey... learned some interesting facts... shared a few laughs... join us next week when we'll have edwin hubble on our show... the man with the eyes of a guilded hawk! toodles
sept 20
so i'm still not feeling the best... and i look like i just saw somebody shit on my coat right before i fell out of a moving car... (that's it dave... use the pity card... good... good...) but seriously... i need to check out this "dentist"... yup... my wisdom teeth are killing me... and i think i'm just getting over a cold or something... maybe a ridiculous sinus scam... i don't know... i'm not a doctor... but i'll tell you what... i've got spurs that jingle jangle jingle... hopefully i'll be recouperated by tomors... got a big day... gotta set up an appointment with my doc tambien... work sucks... i was so out of it this weekend... (variety of reasons... but mostly cuz i was sick) i completely blanked out and forgot to go into work on sunday... so that went well... (sarcasm?... no... *cough*) anyway... i can't think of anything right now... other than i almost died today... was in the shower when a ceiling tile fell... along with 2 auto cad books?... illegal auto cad books... harbored in the ceiling tiles?... whatever... fell like shit and in a bad mood... so i'm outy... sure...
BOLD...ACTIVATE!!!sep. 15!!! YES!!!power down...
can't believe i'm kind of sort of almost regularly updating this site... i think that deserves a much needed 'woot!!'... or a slightly less inspired 'hoo-tah!'... work has been going abso-toot-a-loot-ly swimmingly... i can't lie... its like playing a game of chess with a brick wall... you always manage to pull out the 'v'... but for some reason its just not as satisfing as beating that kid in the cancer ward who you move his king right after he passes out from the excruciating pain and the doctor runs in to resusitate him but you start hitting on the nurse while Moses's parents sit idly by, contemplating why they named him after such a Biblically important character... than when he's finally brought back you ask him if he wants to play with his dog... only to put the final dagger in when you tell him you accidently hit Brozer in his face with a lead drain pipe... repeatedly... and he died a week later from starvation... that and the tooth that was lodged in his brain that cause severe trauma and internal bleeding... man this has taken a turn for the worse... (like Moses...) i'm like the darth vader of story tellers... my point was... i feel like that cancer kid whenever i'm at work... and i just want to play with Jonesy... or whatever the damn i call my dog... its kinda ruff (get it?... like a dog?... no pun intended... *cough*) its kinda rough workin 5 hours straight though... with nothing really to do... i mean... i play golf on sundays... but i hate golf... (old school ref. there) jeff and me have started using "abreves" whenever possibly now... kinda just to piss joel off... in a non-violent/civil uprising kind of way... basically abreves are just shortening words whenever possible... like the other day jeff called our kitchen 'kitch'... and saying 'vom' rather than 'vomit' and 'abreve' instead of abbreviation... we're still working the kinks out as of yet... but i'm fairly confident that by sometime in the next 2 to 4 years... we'll have a complete system worked out to udderly baffle joel... and probs about 9 other peeps... i worked this guitar thing today... jorge caballero was nutso on the guitar... and i got to see some awesome tv prod equip... that kinda made me wanna get into that kinda indust... i think from now on... i'm going to try to sub the word 'stuff' with the word 'books' or 'sugar'... i'd make a poll... but the only poll i know about is the north one! HA!... i'm kidding... but seriously... that's the only one i've heard of... 'bowls, bowls, and telephone poles!' we had game night again last night... played 'wheel of fortune' this time... don't think we're going to be able to have it next week though... too many people died last time... one other thing i've noticidededitidnoticed recently is that i hate using the backspace key... actually... is that my fun level has dropped about three notches... putting me at a pulty 2 notches!!!! that's right up there with deforestation, and 'horses careening off cliffs'... and the federeal trade commission... BURN!!! i really don't have any beef with the ftc... at least that i know of off hand... ummm... other news to report... my friend charlie's having a party/concert tonight... i probably won't end up going but i really do want to... gotta support the team!... in other news... i've slightly resembled a snowman the past couple days because the skin on my face is drying/dying at a pace that would make dale jarrett blush... he drives a car really super fast!... i mean... i've got other sugar going on too... ok... sugar doesn't work... scratch that... planning on writing the script for "The Gardener" pretty soon... who knows... maybe tonight!... its gonna be the lamest movie ever... that's the point... get over it... i think the energy pills i've been taking are actually viagra... companies should make sure they get their labels right... saw a couple taking back sunday shirts i want... really top-notch... neat-o... i really need to pay attention and do work in my classes... i mean it... it's like me trying to watch "the english patient' out there... i just want to hire john henry to drive a railroad spike through my temple... and while we're at it... why's it called a temple?... did we just run out of words in the english language?... "john, what should we call the space between someone's eye and their ear?"... "well todd, it kind of looks like a place i would go to worship if i were jewish... but i'm not, i'm a real person!" i don't have any problem with the jewish other than the fact that they're alive... man don't worry... i'm kidding... but their teens need to stop getting into abusive relationships and getting knocked up... (if you're a fairly regular LoveLine listener you'll know that was an Adam Carrolla reference) i mean... if you need me to come up with a word i'll do it... how about grabble?... or miffalite?... either one of those could be plural... you have absolutley no idea how many grabbles are in a perzanaroid do you?... man... that last one sounds like microwavable rice... aw fiddlesticks... one more thing before i go... i would like to put my marketing teacher on the heart-transplant list... because i nominate that he is the only man still breathing without one... last night in class he asked us if we remembered 'those kids' bringing guns to school and 'shooting them up'... yeah... that's about what he said... right before he started laughing... than the whole class started cracking up because he was laughing... i mean... i make tasteless jokes a lot... i mean a lot a lot... but that one even hurt me a little... remember when those kids filled their teachers with hot lead with their fully automatic weapons blazing right before they splattered their own skull fragments all over 119.4-220.6 in the library!?! HAHAHAHAHA!!! asshole... and fucking dewey decimal system...
could it be?... bee?... where? sept 9
wow... ummm... so much to talk about... i mean that... literally... is literally a metric word?... almost too much to talk about... seriously... i mean... just... holy canoli... i ate some chicken today... it was delicious... and juicy... the foreman grill really cooked 'er up... we had to defrost it first... that took... pppffff... probably almost 16... yeah... a good 16 minutes... at least... so... i mean... it was worth it though... very good... the chicken was good... rich in protein... and... iron... can't...a... can't go wrong there... so shoot... what else... what else... i had to use joel's body wash today... because mine is still in racine... joel's body wash smells/tastes exactly like sun tan lotion... so i hope i got that right... well... it wouldn't hurt for me to get a little sun... too bad i'm trapped here at work... i mean it... they put out like candy bars... and cover the hole with leaves... put little hot wheels cars all around... its kind of like 'home alone'... except there's no creepy old man who won't let you buy a tooth brush... don't know if i'll be able to make it home this weekend to get my soap either... nate is in the process of leaving as we speak... which is pretty much relative to only me... no way i can skip out of 3.5 hours of grueling labor... unless i somehow found a way to clone myself... no... clone michael caine... than have him clone me... so that way i could go bike riding with mr. caine... and my clone would have to suffer and than eventually gain a human componant all his own and rise up, murder me, and proceed to assume my identity... and than he could bicycle with michael caine... ok... plan 4... i clone caine... he clones me... than my clone clones himself... that way mikey, my clone and me can all eat hot peppers and go to noah's ark (the waterpark)... and my clones clone will have to slave away all day long in the scorching mediterainian sun... he could use an umbrella... but than he'd look like mary poppins... wait a minute... does that mean i look like julie andrews?... anyhoo... football season officially kicked off last night... (no pun intended... ha!... *cough*... uncomfortable...) pats laid the raiders to waste... eliptical machines are trained to make you hurt... consider yourself warned... warmed... today's forecast is yellow... with a chance of girls walking... and... than running... when i ask them why lots of guys carry knives... and than assure them that i don't carry one... and than re-assure them again without being provoked... and than tell them that i enjoy staying up to all hours of the night so i can browse cutlery sets on qvc... and show them my receipt from said infomercial... i'm sorry... its just soooo boring at work here... my mind is not functional at all today... it really hasn't been since i was in algebra class... and i was seeing how many calculators i could use at once... and the teacher passed out some weird japanese candy... and i unwrapped it... and than i fell down 3 flights of stairs, into a cactus patch, in the path of oncoming traffic... only to walk away unscathed... which is when i started drinking... blah... anyway... that's all from here... and for the last time... that is not a fishing rod... for crying out loud... its dell curry... see dell in action here!
is it septiembre already?... mas?...6th
dr. chambliss here... reporting live from ronaldo hill in germany... wow... so what's it been?... like 72 hours since i've updated this?... sorry... war flashback... i'm all better now... anyway... school just started today!!! except for yours truly and the rest of sociology 100000020:why society feels the need to urinate in public when on rogaine and antibiotics... that's kind of like a fill in the blank... except instead of a blank... you substitute the word society... with the word dave... and antibiotics with... lsd... but anyway... no class for yo soy this fort-nite... i'll be making up for that little stunt tomorrow though... class from 11-830... ;.( <---he's not crying... he was working out... and building a shed... when a lemon squirted in his eye... he's a man... it's a man's man's world... enough... so eric and me are going to get some popcorn chicken when i get off of work today!!! what could be better than enjoying a nice treat on a beautiful day with a lovely friend... who smells of rosemary... and sage... j/k... i love eric in ways that aren't allowed in the southern states... *twitch*... j/k aboot that... but anyway... everyone's up in milwalks for serious now... last night was pretty fun already... we locked nate out of his room (sorry bud... its just a joke though)... p.s. it was alex!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!... and we sent an email to foutains of wayne... regarding... stock quotes... and... migratory patterns of small mid-western phaesants... i'm at work forever and a day it seems... from 12-5... doing nothing really... just waiting to dive into a cup(?)... bowl(?)... or cob of popcorn chicken... that's all she ever talked about... i can't believe i have 2 hours to kill... hopefully they'll never find the... evidence?... *in 30's dick tracy villian voice* "you'll never pin this on me copper!"... had a fun time with the fam yesterdizzle also... my aunts and uncles took this broke little collegiate oot for a grand meal... shoot... what else... what else... i got my oil changed... and the same 3 people have walked by my window at least 12 times today... oh yeah... hilarious blooper at work today... who am i?... dick clark?... anyway... there's a long set-up that i'll just briefly mention in a few passing words... i put my boss on hold and she hung up the phone... so when i picked the phone back up it made that really loud, but not at all annoying 'beeping'/'shrieking' noise... (for lack of a better term... p.s. i think that was the first comma i've used since i was like 3...) anyway... so i picked the phone up with that blairing in my ear like a def leopard concert... and i wasn't really that surprised... but i wanted to kinda exaggerate a lil' bit... because that's what i do... i'm an exaggerator... but i think i may have exaggerated a little too much mayhaps... because next thing i know i'm in my chair... teattering on the brink of destruction... and than toppleing over like a french magistrate circa 1597... so there i am... in front of the two cutest girls i work with... on my back... legs in the air... sprawled out in the 'ready and willing participant' position... boy was my face red... anyway... anna told my boss that i got hurt... which is a lie!!!... i fall down all the time!!!... : (... i have photographic proof... anyway... she said we don't get workman's comp. so i promised that from now on i'll wear a helmet and elbowpads at all times... and i can't use the metal scissors anymore either... i have to use the crappy plastic ones... so i made that up about the scissors... i have very tough skin... its very hard to penetrate... hehe... penetrate... oh... one other thing i did... i hope nobody finds it in bad taste... i had the best intentions... but my mom's work is collecting clothes to send down to the lousianians... so i threw a bunch of my clothes in there... and... also... 3 pairs of swimming trunks... its kind of a joke... but also because they could probably use them... they freakin' live like 30m below sea level!!!... i'm starving... i think i'm going to gnaw on my arm like joel's dog until popcorn chicken... you've probably heard just about enough from me anyway... alrighty than... so from all of us at channel 4... i'm ron burgandy... you stay classy san diago... agree to disagree...
...and that's when i realized that there's no such thing as a 'hotdog farm'...