still not doing very good today... bobbi's up in wausau now... the funeral's friday... i'm mad/sad because i probably won't be able to go... i'll be honest... the deck isn't exactly stacked in my favor... i have no car... my mafia midterm is friday... and i have to work a performance... the performance should be easy enough to get out of... midterm... as long as i tell my teacher in advance it shouldn't be a problem... especially given the reason... but as for travel plans... i was hoping i'd be able to ride up with bobbi... but she's already up north... so really the only feasable way i'd be able to go to the funeral is if one of her friends from milwaukee is going... and i could hopefully catch a ride with them... i don't know... i'm still really broken up about the whole situation... (the main reason is because it hurts so bad to see bobbi like she is... and know there's nothing i can do to make her feel better... it makes me just feel so worthless... i can't even make the one girl who i honestly care about smile... that is one of the worst feelings in the world... i also feel bad for her dad... i never really knew him... and when i did here about him it was never good news... but it just hurts to know that he'll never get to see what a beautiful girl bobbi's turning out to be...) and i don't know... its just been a really rough couple days... trisha im'ed me the other day too... that seems really insignificant right about now though (i'm not trying to say that she's insignificant... i'm just saying that nothing really seems to matter right now... girls, friends, God... nothing...) just make sure you never hold anything back... because you never know when you won't get a chance to say something...
oct19
yesterday was a fucked up day... i don't think i've ever had so many different emotions in one day... i guess i'll start at the beginning... so while i was at work yesterday i got a call from bobbi (which i couldn't answer obviously, because i was at work) she left me a message and i called her back as soon as i got out because there was obviously something wrong... and... there's really no easy way to say this... bobbi's real dad was in an accident yesterday... i have no idea how hard it must be to have to deal with what she's going through... i feel so sorry for bobbi and her dad... because he'll never get to see what a strong and beautiful woman bobbi is becoming... its so hard to see somebody that you care about so much in that much pain... and it hurts even more knowing that i can't do anything to ease her pain... it just makes me feel so worthless... i just wish that somebody could make it all go away... i don't even know what to say when she calls... and just seeing the look on her face is enough to make me want to die... knowing that there's nothing i can do to help her... and right now God and me aren't exactly 'friendly' toward each other... its like he wants to wage a war against me or something... it seems that everyone/everything i pray for... He does the exact opposite... it started almost two years ago... my aunt rosanne had been sick for years and i finally decided that i would start praying for her to get better (up until that point i didn't really pray that much)... and within a little over a month i believe, she was gone... fighting for years... i start praying for her... and she dies... the same thing happened with my great grandma biel... she had been in a retirement home for a couple years and wouldn't take her medicine or anything like that... i decide to start praying for her... and she passes too... i pray for my friends... and in return, God turns a cold shoulder to them... i prayed that bobbi would never leave... (un unfair request i realize...) but then she leaves... so when i finally start to stop being selfish and just pray that she's happy... God does something like this... why can't He just stop hurting my friends?!... i'm the one whose not doing anything with his life... i'm the one who actually deserves all this pain... not bobbi... not mike... not anybody else i know... there are many things that seem inviting right about now... and putting up with God isn't exactly at the top of the list... this is the last thing that bobbi needed right now... she's proven herself to You... what more do You fucking want from her?... i'm so sick of watching You hurt other people... people who deserve better... and right now... everything that i thought was important in life... everything that i thought that had meaning... doesn't seem that important anymore... nothing really does... other than my family, my friends, and bobbi... i would do anything to make her feel just even a little better right now... i would do anything if it meant that never would another tear fall down her cheek... i'm always here for you bobbi... and i'm so sorry for what you've had to endure...
oct15
i have my good days and my bad days... like anybody else... yesterday... for no reason... was one of my good days... today... has not been... for the same no reason... i feel like i've been keeping everyone else down lately too... and that's the worst feeling... even worse than all the other shit... and it seems, like many great musicians, i've taken to nursing the ol' bottle whenever i get a chance to now to drown my sorrows in... i honestly feel that bobbi just had to know that i still needed her before she left me... because it just doesn't feel as good for yourself if you can't break some other lonely boy's heart... i've been listening to a lot of From Autumn to Ashes lately... and of course Taking Back Sunday... great bands... especially for heartache... also been writing... a lot... i think i wrote like maybe 5 songs this past week... just wrote one today... and of course... they are all about bobbi... there are some days when i love her so much and i swear i would do anyfuckingthing that i had to to just hold her in my arms forever... (that was yesterday)... and there's other days when i swear if she called me crying and asking me if i still care i would only speak two words... (if you listen to from autumn to ashes that line will make sense "if three words could heal you, i'd only speak two")... but that's the way i feel today... and today i think i might have seen her walking down the street... probably to her "boytoy's"... and when i saw her/thought i saw her (i still don't know) it literally felt like my heart just dropped out of my body... it is nice how she magically has time for a boyfriend now though... and when i was talking with her she didn't... always busy... busy like a fucking bee... unless it has to deal with anybody except dave... than she has all the fucking free time in the world... i don't even want to think of all the hurtful things i would want to say if she called me tonight crying... to bad i would never say it to her... that's just not who i am... i swore to her that i would never leave her or hurt her... and i'm intending on keeping that promise regardless... besides... give me a little while longer... and hopefully i'll be over her... (i am really crushing on both sara's that live above us : O ) : P... my only problem right now is that i am becoming heavily anti-social... i've never felt a connection with anyone like the one i had with bobbi... i honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with her... we could talk about anything forever... and it wouldn't matter (at least to me...) because i was happy as long as i was with her... and now... she threw it back in my face... and i'm scared that i won't ever be able to find a girl who i can communicate with like bobbi... that can make me as happy as bobbi did... and by doing that i'm making myself believe that its actually true... when that's fucking bullshit and i know it... but, never-the-less... all that fear is leading to detachment... not just from female relationships... but from my best-friends too... i'm always at a loss of words... i'm always tired... and everyday mike's plan sounds better and better to me... i used to think you were crazy mike... i used to think that running away doesn't solve any problems... well, now i think that it will solve my only problem... bobbi... i try to be nice to her... i try to stay friends... i really don't care that she's found somebody else... that was only a matter of time... what i hate is that she just up and decided to cut me out of her life for no fucking reason at all... just... i found somebody... now i never have to talk to dave again... ever... well fuck that and fuck her... (i say this now... but come tomorrow... come 10 minutes from now my mood will probably change and i'll be praying that she calls me... i honestly don't know what i feel anymore... i don't know if i love her or hate her... bobbi... if you were in this to completely ruin an 'innocent' boy's life... congratulations... you've succeeded... and again... and again... but i will never give you the opportunity to do it again... however 'too-little-too-late' it is for me... i just wanted to thank all of my friends for all that they've done for me to help me through this... (i know... not like i have cancer... : P) but you all are the best friends anyone could ever have! you all mean so much to me... and only good times to come!!!
oct11
... so it seems to me that abandonment is contagious... and i am so sick of having to deal with (or in this case, not deal with) all this shit... so... i guess i'll start at the beginning... there's probably no point in you reading this... because if you know where this is... you probably know pretty much the whole story... anyway... so there was this girl... her name was trisha... i had just had my heartbroken by my ex, bobbi, who said that she never wanted to see me or talk to me again... ever... (that gave me a warm, tingly feeling all over inside...) and i really liked trisha... and she said she liked me... (you might notice a recurring theme here... that being that... girls fucking lie all the fucking time...) the first night i met trisha, i was just hanging out at her house when who else, but bobbi called... maybe i should have thrown my fucking phone down a garbage disposal... but i didn't... and i answered it... she was crying as asked if i could go up to milwaukee so we could talk... and... being the sucker that i fucking am, left... (after bobbi called i told trisha about my situation with bobbi... at least what i thought the situation was...) so i went over to bobbi's and after she apologized for what had to be almost 10 minutes straight... i told her that we couldn't just get back together just like that... because of two reasons: 1) trisha and 2) that's what we did the first time and that seemed to turn out real fucking good... so i told her that i met this girl trisha... and that i liked trisha... but that i loved her... which was/is still true... i tried to explain things the best i could... i honestly did... its so hard when you have feelings for more than one person... (side note... during this time... every single one of my friends, co-workers, and random people off the street... seriously... and not one of them thought i should get back with bobbi... every last one of them said i should just keep my distance... people are smart... i'm not...) moving on... almost everytime i was hanging out with trisha in racine (for the first week or two)... bobbi ended up calling... and asking me to come up to milwaukee... which i did... over and over again... (i'm such a sucker...) trisha knew this... she was there when bobbi called... but she said that she still liked me and even if i hooked back up with bobbi or she hooked up with some other guy that she still really wanted to be friends because we always had such a fun time hanging out no matter what we did... (nothing sexual... except like a hug or back rub... but keep what she said to me in mind... it comes into play later...) a couple weeks down the road... i was hanging out with trisha... and we were having a lot of fun... and i told her that i was going to tell bobbi that i really cared about trisha... i thought i did... and when i called to tell her... before i could even say anything, she told me that i should just start dating trisha because she found somebody else... (but even thought i really really wanted to start dating someone... i knew i wasn't really ready to yet... so i wasn't going to start 'dating' trisha... or anybody... anyway... so now school starts... and i don't have a car to drive down to racine and see trisha... but lucky for me i have the best friends in the world and they would drive me down to racine for the weekend so i could hang out with her... which went good for awhile... and then... somewhere down the road (probably like sept 20ish) she said the exact words, "i'll call you tomorrow..."... did i mention that girls fucking lie all the fucking time?... i would call her maybe two or three times a week... or IM her... and a little while ago i was on the phone with amber (my friend who set me and trisha up)... and she said that trisha hooked back up with her ex... and didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore... girls lie... (although i have to admit throughout this whole time both trisha and bobbi were always on my mind... because i knew i still loved bobbi... but i was hoping that i could fall in love with trisha... because... as amber so eloquintly put it, "trisha hasn't fucked you over!"... this was, of course, before she decided that i don't exist... i don't hold any resentment against her or anyone though... i know i don't deserve a girl like either one of them... so a couple of weeks pass... and i'm still miss bobbi... more than i want to... more than i thought i ever could for someone who hurt me like that... twice... so finally i work up enough balls to call her... and tell her how i feel... and we were talking for awhile... and i told her that i miss her... she told me she missed me... she told me that she lied and that she didn't hook up with some guy... she just said it out of spite... i'm the happiest i have been since before the 4th of july... i talk with her for about a week... than she stops calling... stops answering her phone... and gives no response when i IM her... (which has been almost 2 weeks...) girls fucking lie!... or maybe its just me... because honestly... ever single girl i've ever gone on a date with or has shown interest in me has left me directly for another guy... starting with a girl i dated from work... megan... we went on one date... i called her a couple times... she never called back... like a week later she started dating my friend sean... then there was this other girl i liked, meg... she said she liked me to... and than went to homecoming with my friend john... my friend tim introduced me to a girl (also named megan)... we never officially dated... but you might as well have said we did... until she started dating sean... (yes, the same sean who dated the other megan... noticing a pattern yet?)... than i met bobbi... and my world changed... everything was sooooo much better with her in my life... until she told me that she never wanted to see me again... (as far as i know... ha, which is not very much... there wasn't another guy... but i'm willing to lay my life down that there was... if not the first time, than the second time...) than i met trisha... who said that she liked me... who said that i made her smile so much that her jaw/mouth hurt... who said that even if one of us hooked up with somebody that we would still be friends because of how much fun we had no matter what we did... who played me for a sucker and told me everything i needed to hear... than cut me out of her life like a bad habit... and after telling bobbi that i still care for her... she decides to jump on the band-wagon too... the only logical explanation here is obvious... i suck... i'm just an anti-social, jealous, lazy/unmotivated, self-centered and selfish little punk who isn't funny, isn't smart, isn't charming, and who has no talents, skills or attrictive/redeeming qualities what-so-ever... (physical or otherwise...) and lately i have honestly been feeling like i don't belong here... i'll go out and have the best time of my life with my friends... but that doesn't fucking matter to me when i get home and fall asleep alone in bed wishing and praying that both bobbi and trisha are happy... with or without me... i guess i've been doing pretty good lately though... i haven't cried myself to sleep in almost a week i think... its really hard to keep my faith in God though when every person who i pray for and tell God i care for and ask Him not to take them away from me turns there back on me... without hesitation... without the slightest hint of regret... i always try to tell myself 'this is the way its supposed to be... God will make things better in the end'... well i'm at my fucking end... i'm sick of trying to be patient... i'm sick of trying to be nice... i'm sick of letting every fucking person i care about tread all over me just to leave me on the ground and not even think about helping me back up... i know that i should be grateful for all the things i have... but i'm so fucking pessimistic i can't concentrate on anything except the negative side... maybe i just like the comfort that being emotionally unstable brings... maybe i just like the feeling of a warm tear sliding gracefully down my face before it shatters on the ground... i am... by far... hands down... the worst person that i know... and it makes me feel so bad when my friends talk about how horrible they are... because they are, honestly, the best people in the world... and it hurts to hear them talk about themselves that way... at least i have evidence to back up my claim... they're awesome people... and i just wish that they could see it...
oct1
sooo... anyway... this is gonna be real quick... the realization that i came to yesterday was this... yes... i do really like trisha... but... i love bobbi... and i don't think anything she could do would change that... don't know if that's good or bad... but... i've never felt the kind of connection that i feel with bobbi... and i've never cared so much for another person... and i don't see what the point is in not following my heart... anyway... there's really not a clearer way to say it other than that... i love bobbi... and nobody else...
