The second step
"My name is Greg and I'm a sex addict."
"Hi Greg."
"Often during the day I'll think of something sexy. Then I go into another room and masturbate in the corner. It could be anywhere, in the library or in a restaurant. My wife doesn't know that I do this"
I shifted a little uncomfortably in my chair and involuntarily my eyes were drawn to the corner of the room that I could see. It looked ok.
This was my assignment for school, my 3rd semester in the nursing program, the psych rotation. Each semester in school we were assigned a different area in the medical field. Last time it was maternity. This time it was psych. We were assigned to go to a self-help group. That is a group that is run by the participants (no paid or professional leader) and is usually a 12 step program based on the Alcohlics Anonymous model. The teacher mentioned AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Bulemics Amonymous, Dependents of all the above, Co dependents of all of the above and Sex Anonymous. There my ears pricked up. The teacher added however, "I think sometimes that people just go there to meet one another."
Yup, that was for me. As long as I have to go to a meeting why not make it something interesting. I'd rather meet a bunch of sex addicts than a bunch of fat, vomitting, alcoholics. Or at least that's what I thought.
There were 9 of us in the room. 6 men and 3 (very attractive ) women. The first part of the meeting we read from the literature. We read prayers and we read about how only a Higher Power could help us to kick our addiction. I kept furtively looking at one of the women, Cloe. What a handsome woman she was. A lovely face, she was about 32 I'd say, and had long dark hair, finely chiseled features, just a touch of eye liner, dressed very informally in blue jeans , t shirt and leather jacket. Her jeans were cut off just below the knee to reveal a fine muscular set of calves.
Across the room was another beautiful woman, if a little thin, Christine. She slouched in her chair and was also dressed casually. She had long blond hair that was tied upon top of her hair. She didn't wear any makeup but really she didn't need any. She was a goodlooking 35 I'd say. The other woman Cloe's friend wasn't too bad to look at either.
After the readings had finished it was the time the leader announced to share. He asked who wanted to go first. That's when Greg had started.
I didn't look up. I was a little shocked. There was silence in the room. Then a number of people said , "Thanks Greg. Thanks for sharing and being truthful. Keep coming back."
I wished I could have had a notebook out to write this down but that would have been a dead giveaway that I didn't really belong here , that I was just doing research. I had already decided that I didn't have to say anything . "Its normal," my teacher had told me " that new members often go for a number of sessions without saying a word." Originally I had thought about making up some outlandish story about having sex in some unusual way ( with animals or with whips or something ) but I decided I couldn't carry it off without laughing.
Another man started to speak.
"Hello . My name is Mark and I'm a sex addict"
Hello Mark.
He told about his $800 a month phone bills to the sexy talk telephone lady. I did a quick calculation. 800 at $2 a minute that's 400 minutes divided by 30 that's 13 minutes a day seven days a week. Well that didn't sound too bad. But everyday?
"And my wife doesn't know ", he added.
Yikes. What a terrible thing to carry around.
Another young man, a first timer, spoke of his history of visiting prostitues , his frequent masturbation, and how he had a habit of mentally undressing attractive woman.
That didn't sound too bad to me. I would have liked to tell him so but it wasn't allowed to comment on the sharings.
"When I tell my fiance about it , it hurts her terribly", he added.
"You idiot", I thought, don't tell her.
He broke down and started to cry.
"Thanks Mark. Thanks for sharing and being truthful. You're in the right place. Keep coming back."
"I'll go next." It was Cloe. I shifted in my seat. Now was a chance to really look at her without drawing undo attention to myself. Stunning woman.
"I'm here because I just broke up with someone and I just realized that it seems impossible for me to live without a romance in my life. I feel the need to be with someone. I already see myself getting myself gearing up for my next love and I've just broken up 1 week ago. I want to be with someone right away."
She crossed her long bare legs. I felt some stir of excitement within me.
"For as long as I can remember I've been in a relationship one after another. I wonder what it would be like to be unattached for a while. If I could do it or if I even want it"
She looked around the room at the people sitting there. Most of the people were looking down. She looked at me and held my gaze for a moment. I gave her my most sympathetic look.
"No you don't really want that ," I thought . "That would be a real waste".
But I said , "Thanks Cloe. Thanks for sharing and being truthful. Keep coming back." along with everyone else.
Another man spoke about his addiction to looking at pornography on the computer and how it was causing eyestrain, carpal tunnel syndrome and problems with his social life and isolation. Also he hadn't told his wife who thought he was doing work on the computer.
At this time, midway through the meeting the leader passed a clip board with a sheet of paper around the group.
"This is optional. If you want to sign your first name and phone number, someone who has been in the group for a long time and is experienced will call you and ask how you're doing every day. This is an important part of the group. We only meet once a week here so if you need the support, don't be shy , sign the list. Your anonymity will be protected and we will be discreete about leaving messages."
They passed the list around as the man continued to talk about his relationship with his computer . The list got to me. I glanced at it. Of course there was no way I was going to put my phone number on it but I saw no harm in putting my name. As I wrote it I glanced at the other names. 2 of the men had signed it and....Cloe.
Wow . She wanted to be called. This was an opportunity. But how to do it. If I took out a piece of paper and wrote down her name and number, everyone would know what I was doing. People knew that this was my first time. There were only 9 people there. Everyone was pretty close together. What to do ? What to do.
I looked at the number. 821-6837. I repeated it inside while the man talked about his computer sex and whether he should get a faster modem or not. His voice became a blur.
821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837.
821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837.
821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837.
I said it a hundred times. The voices faded. Not an easy number 821-6837. No pattern really. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837.
Another man started talking and I wanted to focus on what he had to say but I was afraid if I did I would forget the number. I glanced around the room. Everyone was looking at the new speaker. I casually leaned down and took a pen out of my backpack. Then I started to play with the cap as if I had a nervous habit.
821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837. 821-6837.
After another minute , with my hands naturally falling between my legs I slowly and carefully wrote on my index fingers. C-L-O-E 8216837. I turned my head as if stretching and glanced around the room again. No one had noticed. I relaxed and was able to pick up that the speaker was talking about his habit of visiting prostitutes 2 or 3 times a day. I wanted to ask him what kind of work he did to be able to afford that but of course said only, "Thanks . Thanks for sharing and being truthful. Keep coming back." along with everyone else.
The sharing continued . I sat there relaxed except for my index finger which I had to curl under my thumb so that no one would see it. I didn't think anyone noticed. It wasn't hard to keep it locked that way , even if it looked a little strange .
We took another break from sharing to read from the "Big Book", the bible of the AA groups . It had all the rules, suggestions , inspirational readings etc. The leader suggested that we pass the book around and each person read as much as he or she wanted to . Today's readings were from the Second Step of the Twelve Step Program, something about accepting the fact that you may have an addiction and how hard it is to admit it to ,first yourself and then the world. How easy it is for people to fool themselves and go into denial.
Then it was Cloe's turn to read.
"First you must face honestly that it is not simply 'the other person' but primarily the neediness inside of you that is the real source of the terrible pain. As sex and love addicts we search always for the person or act of sex that will transform a lonely reality and fill the sense of restless , lurching emptiness inside."
She handed the book to me . As I reached out to take it , I realized that I had forgotten about my finger. For some reason she looked down at the ink on my finger, at the "Cloe 8216837". She looked at it for some seconds and then leaned a little closer. I jerked my hand away. She looked me straight in the eyes.I froze. Slowly I turned. She glarred at me.
I started to read ," As we cling to those means of trying to fill our own void, we feel that no one can really understand us, and that there would be no point to life without love and sex. Often there are fears that if we really revealed to others what we were thinking we would be flatly abandoned."
I gave the book up and the next person started to read. I glanced over at Cloe but she gave me no clue as to what she had seen or was thinking. I wiped my mouth and wet my finger and started to rub at the ink. I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed and then looked at it but it was still there. I quickly buried my finger in my hand again and tried to focus on the reading.
When it was done the leader announced that there was only 10 minutes left and that the last ten minutes was reserved for the newcomers to share. 3 of the newcombers that hadn't yet shared sat there uncomfortably waiting. I looked at the other 2. I wondered what secrets they had. They looked down guiltily. Then I noticed that some of the people were looking at me with encouragement in their eyes. I became very self-consious.
My face flushed and I heard someone say , "This is my first time here and I'm a love addict. For as long as I can remember I've spent most of my time thinking about meeting the right woman to fall in love. Even if I'm going to walk to the store to get some milk in the back of my mind is , 'Maybe I'll meet someone at the store'. If I go somewhere with a friend, I don't really want to be with that friend, I want to be with the woman of my dreams. And then when I do meet a woman it seems like I always find reasons why she isn't the right one, she's too old, too young , too fat, too unintelligent, too anything. Its like I'm addicted to looking. But if there isn't that chance to meet someone in any situation, the day seems gray, pointless and uninteresting. Then I spend many days alone and lonely and wonder if I'll ever be happy."
There was utter silence in the room except for the sound of my breath and my heart racing. Then through the silence I heard them say ,"Thanks Frank. Thanks for sharing and being truthful. "
It wasn't until I heard that that it really sunk in that I was the one who had talked.
"You're in the right place. Keep coming back."
I looked around at the encouraging faces and wondered if I ever would.
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