"My brothers and sisters here and around the world, you have to realize that everything happens for a reason in this life. And the reason is one that guides each of us to our higher destiny. This life is just a glimmer of a greater reality, the reality of now."

"HO", the crowd responded as one.

I looked around. "What's 'ho'?

"shhhhhh".

A beautiful woman came out in front of the stage. She was dressed in white veils. She looked like she could have been a belly dancer or a veiled Muslim woman . She danced in front of the crowd. Her arms raised heaven high. Her fists clenched in pain. There was agony in her body. She shook and swayed. Then she took off her veils. She was beautiful. She looked out at us. She had the most loving expression on her face. It was a mother's love. All encompassing. Passion and grace. She looked at a woman in the front row. Deeply like a warm kiss. She slowly walked over to her , love never waivering, until she was right in front of her. Then she openned her hands and put them onto the surprised woman's cheeks. The woman's eyes filled and she let herself be loved. Other women came out and healed us. A woman with a face painted green and gray walked into me. She touched me. I smiled she smiled . I let the love wash over me and wanted more. She looked into my eyes and lingered. I put mt head onto her shoulder and let her comfort me. Then she moved on. Then they all moved on.

"Come closer everyone. Raise your hands, touch your souls. We will get through this together."

All the people raised both hands and gravitated towards the man on the stage with the microphone. I stood still and let them pass me like a stone in the surf. This was Cell Space, an alternative space created by a certain art community in San Francisco. It was located in an old industrial warehouse in the outskirts of the Mission District in San Francisco. Cell was big on creating communtiy. Many people lived there and it was always available for events. Tonight was Fanuzzi's 50th birthday party, September 19, 2001. He was the man on stage speaking. He had lived much of his life as a kind of gypsy hippie tribal leader.

Backing up I surveyed the crowd. There were a lot of beautiful women in the crowd. But somehow I felt excluded from the group they were all in. I occasionally participated in Cell events but I was not on a first name basis with any of the people. I watched as the crowd surged into a big group hug. It had been a tragic week and people were stripped down to basic emotions. People were crying. I watched as georgeous women sobbed into the arms of guys like me. That could be me, I thought. Could be, but wasn't.

People at Cell tended to be a bit more way out than your average San Franciscan, which I guess is saying a lot. I was probably the only person without a tatoo or body piercing. Many wore tribal clothes, skins, beads, feathers. It wasn't me, but I didn't object. Was the warmth I felt there real or chemical?

People were dancing now. I saw some women standing alone or dancing alone. Most were older. I was older too, yet what was it about me that kept me from being attracted to women of my own age? They were out there, so many. Divorced, second time around, third time around. What was I waiting for? In the dark it was hard to tell really what they looked like. Maybe that's why they came out here. Of course no one came to meet someone, that was not cool. You came to be a part of the scene, to join the community and the other stuff just happened. But it didn't just happen to me. I was trying too hard, but I couldn't help it.

I danced a few times with a few women. I tried to sense from them if there was any attraction to me. Any interest. For me there were 2 categories, the ones I could really go for, and the ones I wouldn't mind sleeping with. Bad you say? Terrible person? Maybe but there was something about sleeping with someone that was so important. It wasn't just sexual it was more like a pat on the back saying, "you are ok. Someone likes you enough to sleep with you." And if I liked them enough to sleep with them but not enough to live with them, then ok, I would at least be more ready for the next one who perhaps could really be a partner. That's what I wanted at least that's what I told myself I wanted.

There off on the side was a woman dancing alone. She was wearing a elegantly simple black lace dress. She had a nice figure, fashionably muscular. I walked over to the side of the floor where she was dancing and watched her a while. I sensed that she noticed me. I felt that she was now dancing for me. Swaying this way and that, her back to me I felt the music through her hips. As the song ended I walked up to her and touched her shoulder.

"Would you dance with me ?"

"Sure I would", she said, with her head turned around. I took my fingers from her shoulder and walked around to the front side of her. I was shocked. She had a moustache and a beard. Not just a little hair growth mind you. I've seen that before. This was a real elegant pencil style moustache and a beard too, growing black and thick on the underside of the chin.

She looked at me quizically. She had a beautiful handsome face. Her eyes were like warm pools that drew me in. I felt myself stuggling to the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well? Do you want to dance?"

I nodded yes but I really wasn't sure. I started to move to the music. Her fine body swayed under her flimsy lace dress. What was under that dress. She looked at me invitingly. I felt a flood of emotions. What had I gotten myself into. I tried to focus on the music. I closed my eyes. I felt her move close. Her hand touched mine. I pretended not to notice and turned around. Finally the music ended. She smiled warmly at me. I moved closer. I had to be honest.

"Dancing with you brings up a lot of emotions for me. "

Her face jerked as if I had slapped.

I tried to soften the blow.

"I think you are very nice and very attractive but....are you a man or a woman?"

Her eyes glistened as she said, "What do you think I am. If you pay attention you will know what I am. What kind of feeling are you getting?", she said in a pleasant high voice.

I looked at her up and down. I had to admit that other than that stylish beard and moustache she was a beautiful woman. I wondered if I could ignore a moustache. I imagined kissing a person with a moustache and I felt like I would gag.

"I'm not sure. You look like a woman except your beard makes your face look like a man. I was fooled once before you see", and I thought of that time in Thailand.

"Well I'm not once before you see. I'm right now." The music was starting up.

"Do you want to dance another one?"

"No I think I'll sit this one out. "

She gave me a sad smile and a shrug of the shoulders and spun around and starting dancing again. A sexy spider swaying in her web. I watched her for a while and then walked off to see who else was around.

Just my luck. I mingled and flirted and searched the crowd for other lonely hearts like myself. I danced a few times and as I turned and whirled I saw her dancing , always alone. Our eyes met. she smiled, I waved. I could manage that. Sad to say but she was the best looking one I had danced with all night. Even the ones who weren't that good looking (even in the low light) were stand-offish. As if to say, "I know how you guys are. You are all pigs. You want only one thing." They weren't so friendly. Not like she who was inviting. I looked over across the room. Her eyes met mine.

It was getting late. People were drifting off. I scanned the crowd. It looked like another unsuccessful singles night. I should go home I thought but something kept me from going. I didn't want to face that lonely feeling . I would do almost anything to avoid that. I saw she putting on her coat. I walked over to her.

"So what do you do?"

She looked up and smiled.

"Oh I'm a psychologist. I work with troubled youth. "

"Really? Wow. That's interesting and good work. How do you like it?

"I love it. It's so rewarding.

As she talked on I got drawn into what she was saying and focused less and less on her facial hair. She was a very interesting person. She was doing a lot of good work. A real giver. She was living her life fully. I looked in her eyes and felt a shift as we talked. I liked her. She was warm, funny, and intelligent. After about 15 minutes someone came up to us and told us it was time to leave. We walked outside together.

"Well it was nice meeting you and talking to you," I said honestly.

"Me too."

"Sorry about that stuff I said before."

"Oh don't worry about it."

"Have you ever thought about ..you know ...changing the way you look."

"She thought a moment. "No not really. This is how God made me so if its alright with Him its alright with me."

"Is it a Him."

"That seems to be a big question for you tonight doesn't it."

I laughed. "Well goodnight."

And I started to walk away into the chilly San Francisco fog. I had a strange but pleasant feeling in my body. I turned to look at her one last time. She was slowly walking to her car.

"Say Don," I said and she stopped and turned around. "Maybe we could you know exchange phone number or something and get together sometime." What was I doing? I asked myself. She smiled and nodded her head.

"Sure I would like that."

I dug out one of my cards and handed it to her. She handed me one of her's. As she gave it to me, she held onto my hand and drew me to her. She gave me a gentle hug Her body felt warm and hard. She looked me straight in the eyes and we stood frozen like that for a few seconds. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights.She smiled her sad smile and then turned her head to the side and kissed me on the cheek. Her lips felt soft and warm. Her moustache tickled a little.