| Week 34 This week was relatively uneventful. There wasn't much going on either pregnancy wise or home wise. Most of the week was spent looking forward towards a birthday party on Sunday and the ultrasound on Monday. I got a little bit of work done on Matthew's memory book. It's a little bit slower going than I had expected, although I'm getting there. My goal is to have it ready to show to others by the first November support group meeting. At first I was finding myself putting off working on it. I think that I was expecting that working on it would drag me down and make the impeding anniversary feel that much worse. In truth, I'm finding that working on his memory book is healing in ways that I had not expected. By starting with the earliest point of his existence in our lives, in other words, the positive pregnancy test and working forward through the joy we felt, the anticipation we experienced, I am remembering the positives. So much greiving is focused on the end result, the loss of our son. While that is never completely out of my mind, at least working on the memory book is also reminding me how much joy there was. I know or have always known that there was a lot of joy associated with Matthew's life, it's just that in the process of my grief, it has been much easier to forget the joy while experiencing the pain. Almond was cooperative this week and gave me little reason for worry. There was movement a-plenty. Going through Matthew's things in preparing items for the memory book has also reminded me of the joy surrounding Almond's pregnancy and impending birth. Nothing that we experience now is new to us, however, it is new for Almond and I think that we've had a hard time remembering that. This is not our first pregnancy and it will not result in our first child, even though it will be our first living child. Up until the moment of birth, this has all been done before, even by us. I spend a great deal of time considering my growing belly, it's shape and size, the marks on it and the wonderful ripples and waves that often eminate from it. This belly is not so terribly foreign to me as it was with Matthew. I'm not sure that I could be considered a mother who revels in it, but I certainly enjoy it and all that it implies. These marks on my skin tell a sort of story. There are the paler stretch marks that speak of a first pregnancy. The early marks were a shock. I can distinctly remember standing in front of the mirror and wondering what those little red lines could possibly be. It took only seconds for it to finally occur to me that my body had been invaded by the dreaded stretch marks. There is the scar where my son emerged from my body. At first an angry red line that caused an almost butt-like appearance to my belly. Then as my belly expanded again, caused a sort of dip in the center, giving my belly a very symetrical appearance if not strange look underneath my stretch matternity wear. Gradually that line has lightened so that now it is there as a shadow of it's former self. Not even really a pink anymore, but somewhere between a gray and a purple. New red lines have made themselves known in ever increasing numbers. They were not a shock this time, although my memory seems to have failed me in it's ability to recall how many there were last time. They tell of a body that is once again expanding with new life. There are those that for obvious reasons have appeared on my belly and then there are the ones that seem to defiantly announce that a pregnant woman does not only get pregnant in her belly, but also in her hips, thighs, chest, etc. I am humbly reminded, once again, that pregnancy is a whole body experience. Then there are the marks that play hide-n-seek. They show themselves in rare moments and when I least expect them. I might be in the shower and the water glimmers just right, but more often it is in front of the bathroom mirror when as I turn, the light catches my belly at just the right angle and I wonder what stranger is in the mirror in front of me. Then I remember that it is in fact my belly and those are just the lines telling their version of this tale. The birthday party on Sunday was for Dylan's cousin. She turned three, much to her delight. A party was held in her honor, complete with a Bob the Builder cake. As sweet as could be, she was willing to demonstrate for Dylan how she sings to the baby. I'm not sure that she truly understands a baby will be comng from my belly, but we're enjoying her antics all the same. The women and children are just as fascinated with this pregnancy as they could possibly be. A great deal of the conversation focused on my belly or at least that's how it felt. Everyone is eager to meet this little one. Of the conversations going on, many of them revolved around the approaching ultrasound and everyone's desire to know whether we will be buying pink or blue. I've left that decision completely up to Dylan. It seems to me that he really doesn't get to have a say in much that goes on with the pregnancy, so this is one thing that I have decided he should have complete control over. After the last ultrasound, he said that we wouldn't find out Almond's sex until his or her birth. If we had to wait until this late in the pregnancy, then we might as well wait the last few weeks to be surprised at the birth. This has been met by a great deal of dismay on both sides of the family. Especially on the part of the grandmothers. They very much want to know what sex this baby is so that they can start their shopping now. I'm sure they have other reasons, but this one seems to be prevalent. It seems like people have gotten so used to knowing what the baby is before it has completely arrived, that anyone who doesn't find out is viewed as a little bit strange. When they ask on Monday, we'll see if Dylan's resolve holds. I am truly excited for this ultrasound. We are having the new 4D ultrasound done and I can't wait to see what it can show us. There are all kinds of ads everywhere and everyone I know that is pregnant is eager to know what this ultrasound is like. There are currently only two in the state, one at Woodwinds and the other at Mercy hospital. They aren't allowing outside care systems to use them because the demand is already too high. I think this is kind of unfair considering the number of women who might benefit by their use. The grief support counselor recommended to one of the other ladies that she contact her care system to let them know that it is important to their patients that they obtain one. There hasn't been a whole lot that I've been able to really get excited about, so this is kind of a special feeling for me. |