| Week 28 Where to start? This has been a long week. In reality, with Labor Day on Monday, it has been a short week, however, I've been on a never-ending rollercoaster and therefore did not actually feel the benefit of this shortness. On Labor Day I felt good, really good. We had a lazy day where we didn't really get anything accomplished. There was no pushing to do something specific or complete a project. Then Tuesday rolled around and the world shifted slightly and that was the end of the peace, for me at least. There isn't anything I can put my finger on that has caused me so much discomfort. However, all week I have been just on the verge of tears. Everyday, whether at home or work, alone or with others, the tears have been waiting to fall. Many times they have broke free and streaked down my cheeks. Each time, they have caught me slightly off-guard, while not exactly being a surprise. There is so much going on right now and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. The easiest to explain is the work situation. I've been working on a project since about April, May if I don't count the training month. This is a big deal kind of project because I am being evaluated on so many levels by the progress and outcome. It's supposed to take three to four months to complete and here we are starting month five. This doesn't seem all that bad from the outside. After all, what's one more month. The biggest part of the problem stems from the fact that I have a pretty major review of the project coming up this next Wednesday and I'm almost positive they're going to change the focus of this project...again. This means more time and unfortunately time is not a luxury I have. In less than two months, I am going to be gone from work for a minimum of 21 weeks. What happens if it's not complete by the time I leave? What happens if I have to leave earlier than I'm planning? On top of the project, September is the busiest month of the year. Not just the busiest month of the year, but also the make or break month. Sales need to be up, which means pressure is up, tension is up, etc. Add to this that I signed on to plan the Customer Service event during Customer Service Appreciation week. I am head of the prize and decoration committee and somehow also head or at least semi-head of the booth committee. I'm starting to feel like Gumby at the stretched to breaking point. None of these things can be given up, mainly because we're too far into them and additionally because at least two are career suicide kind of things and while I'm not entirely sure I will remain with this company in the long run, I certainly don't want to cut off my options. Someone suggested cutting back hours. In theory this is a good idea, the problem stems from the atmosphere and the fact that we're still down two desks to begin with. If I cut down my hours, I would most likely still be doing all of my current responsibilities, just in less time. Now for the harder part. We're getting close to a year since my baby was lost. I know that it is still two months away, but my mind doesn't really seem to care about this fact. Lately I have been living and reliving the last day with Matthew and even the last moments I held him. It's hard not to know that he would be doing certain things and that we'd be getting plans together for his first birthday. Maybe I wouldn't be getting them ready quite yet, but I know that my overactive brain would at least be thinking about themes. Instead I'm trying to think of ways to honor him on the one-year anniversary of his death. This is so hard, because I know that I should be celebrating the first year of his life. Firsts are so important. Almond is growing and getting bigger and so am I. It's very obvious that I'm pregnant now, any stranger could tell without too much guess work. The pregnancy is going along very smoothly. This is both a blessing and a sort of...um, difficulty. It's a blessing in that no one wants to experience any complications, the difficulty is that Matthew's pregnancy was completely uneventful as well. So, long story short (too late, I know) an uneventful pregnancy does nothing to ease my fears. It has recently hit me that Almond will be born just days before the arrival of Matthew's one year anniversary. I knew this all along, but the implications have taken this long to set in. I want a natural delivery, but have really settled on the fact that we will most likely be scheduling the c-section. If we schedule it on the 8th of November, by my calculations, Almond will only be 36w5d. Therefore I would prefer to schedule it on the 11th. However, I would rather try to let myself go into labor, because I really believe that if I went into labor on my own, then I could deliver naturally. I can't wait until Almond is at 38 weeks to schedule the c-section because that is Matthew's birthday and there is just no way I'm scheduling Almond's birthday for Matthew's. That would push us to the following Monday and that puts us within one day of the point at which I lost Matthew last year. Which means this brings us right back to the 11th. This isn't the easiest to deal with because I very much want to breast feed and the earlier a baby is born, the more difficult it is for them to latch on with a strong suck. Sucking is one of those things they develop toward the end of the pregnancy. Tied into all of this is my very real fear of losing Almond. I don't actually believe that anything will go wrong. Truly, I have great faith that things will go as planned and Almond will arrive safely. However, while this should put my mind at rest, it doesn't because I never believed anything would go wrong last time. Vicious circle these thoughts. If I didn't love this baby so much already, I wonder if it would be easier. I know that's not possible, so...onward. |