| Week 16 This was a busy week, with little time to think. On Monday, I attended a cousin's Pampered Chef party and on Tuesday I held my own Partylite Candle party. Wednesday and Thursday were mostly spent running around and on Friday I finally got to relax with friends. This is the first entry in Almond's pregnancy journal. I say Almond's journal, because Almond is why this journal exists. Here I will be able to share my journey through pregnancy after a loss. Getting pregnant again was not especially difficult or easy. My doctor recommended that we wait 2-3 months before trying to conceive again. In January we started down that road. I spent the time leading up to that point, reading and researching everything I could find regarding trying to conceive, infertility, secondary-infertility and pregnancy after loss. There was a lot of fear of not being able to get pregnant again or it taking a very long time. Everything regarding trying to conceive, became a sort of obsession for me. I started charting using a great online site called Fertility Friend. The second month of trying to conceive, I started taking Red Raspberry Leaf and the third month I added Robitussin and Evening Primrose Oil then Flax Seed Oil after ovulation. Since I was out of things to safely add without my doctor's approval, it's a good thing we got pregnant that month. I was only 12 days past ovulation when I tested and it took another two tests to convince myself that I really was pregnant. We waited longer to tell everyone about our newest bundle of joy. It wasn't that we weren't thrilled to be pregnant, I was just afraid that if we told too many people, this joyous event might somehow be taken away. Also, I wanted to somehow protect those I love from the possibility of another loss. To tell our parents, we held a dinner at our house after the first ultrasound and presented pictures to both sets of parents. Morning sickness settled in around week 5 and hung out until well into week 11. Of course, I never got morning sickness. What happened is that around lunch time I would start to feel sick and it would get worse until I went to bed. Nothing made me feel better and the thought of eating was almost unbearable. During this time, I had a lot of trouble relaxing. It wasn't until week 11 that I was really able to let my guard down a little. Even though I did not lose Matthew in the first trimester, the possibility of loss was so much more real to me. I am truly thankful for the support of friends and family and for the ladies in the support groups I've found. However, each person has a different story and everyone lost their baby at a different time in their pregnancy. So while I need their help, the added knowledge has done little to ease my fears. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. There are times when I am mad that I cannot experience this pregnancy with the innocence with which I carried Matthew. My pregnancy with Matthew was measured in weeks and months, this pregnancy is measured in hours and days. Never again will the assumed outcome of a healthy pregnancy be a healthy baby. God gives me strength to take one day at a time and for that I am thankful. At our first doctor appointment, we heard Almond's heartbeat pretty easily. At 158bpm, it was moving pretty quickly. I will never grow tired of hearing my baby's heartbeat. There is nothing quite as pure and beautiful as that first tangible confimation of a miracle underway. My blood pressure seems to like to be higher at my OB appointments than at any other time it is taken, 122/70 vs 104/62. We discussed the likelihood of scheduling a c-section and when Almond might arrive. At the second appointment, we decided not to have the AFP test done. We did not do this with Matthew and since there is no way I would endure an amnio this early in my pregnancy and we would never abort, there was no reason to take the test this time either. Heartbeat was low 150's this time. Hard to say girl or boy, guess we'll just have to wait until the next ultrasound. I'm really very excited to experience a level II ultrasound. We also scheduled out the rest of my doctor appointments until Almond's arrival. At around 29 weeks, I will start going in for non-stress tests on a weekly basis. With the degree of relaxation that I have acheived comes a few glimmers of excitement. There are moments when I can truly say I am excited and anticipating the birth of Almond. I feel guilty at times that I have not given myself completely over to Almond as I was able to do with Matthew. I often felt guilty in the first trimester when I would get mad over the whole situation. Almond is wanted, so very wanted and already loved by more people than s/he will probably ever know. Yet there were times when I would be angry that I had to be pregnant again, that I had to experience the dread of miscarriage, the upset of morning sickness and that unrelenting urge to use the bathroom three or four times each night. Without question I would endure much more if there was anything I could possibly do to ensure the healthy arrival of Almond. I'm ready for a few good swift or soft, as the case may be, kicks any time Almond is ready. Each day I anxiously await that sign of a healthy, growing, thriving baby. |