00/April – GC4 Escalante

How many more epics can I survive?

THURSDAY 6AM: SAN DIEGO
"Time to get up mister/Oliver"
A Chevy Van??? Yuk.  Paul you F'd up.  Good tires though.
Oliver gets the wayback.
He'll have to earn that second row seat.
"Hot slots.  Hot sluts."
The Green Burrito is green because they have no stove.
  Never mind I'll do the Taco Hell thing.
$1.90/gallon is a bargain in Needles.
Paul, the fuel cap is on the right, no your other right.
$1.45/gallon at the next exit.  Doh!
We thought Paul drove slower than Tom.  91.7Mph?  Wow.
Backcountry office by 2:30PM.
A babe ranger that has actually hiked the canyon.  Finally.
No puker poster.
Now what do we do?  Off to the visitor
  center to huddle with the masses.
East meets West at the Grand Hotel.  
Tom, do you have a hang over, again?
Joe, you picked a bad lent to give up beer.
Now, I remember why we didn't eat at the hotel last year.
Carbo-load at the fine Italian restaurant "We cook pasta"
Why did you pick our room to pour fuel?
Dean, I think your pack is older than some of our people.  
White gas covers the manly smells.

FRIDAY 7AM: TUSAYAN
"Did somebody say McDonald's" breakfast is a tradition?
This line sucks!
No "Girl friend in a coma" and its not snowing or raining?
Tipan/Tippan/Lipan/Lipan/Licken whatever.  Trailhead.
"If I had a million dollars I'd buy you a fur coat,
  not a real one because that would be cruel."
Nice hiking sticks.  Joe's is very masculine.
Time to go down.
He's not heavy, he's my pack.
Down down, slip, down, slip, stumble, down down, shake, trip,
  down, next switch back and repeat.
Where's Dean?  Maybe he's already pumping water at camp.
I guess that brick wall is a hint that we are going down
  the wrong trail.  Thanks for pointing that out Paul.
Awesome lunch spot with shade and a view of the river.
Tommer's eating a chick bar?  Does he know what they do to men?
Time to go down.
Down down, slip right, down, down, slip right...
Tanner at last (3:30PM).  The reward? 95 degrees and sand.
Is it hot enough for yah?
How are those feet feeling?
How are those old injuries feeling?
Shade is the "hottest" commodity at 2800'.
Water swirlies in 50 degree water.
Kim is the king dunker.
Happy hour on the river.  What could be better.
Time to eat the heavy food, wine, and drink two gallon's
  of water apiece.
Gary's chicken rice dish is spectacular!  
  Curry makes it even better.
When is Gary going to leave those steel cans at home?
The M&Ms melt in you mouth, not your pack.
Bury Paul with food packs in his tent.

SATURDAY 7:30AM: TANNER BEACH
Team SD ready with their troops.
Tom what's going on with your people?
Dissension about the route already?
Take the low route like I said to start with (yeah right).
Shady and flat.  This is going to be easy.
Up up up.  Down down down.  Cardenas Beach next time.
Last chance for water.  Fill everything you got.
Tom, is your pack crooked or is your hip disfigured?
Up up up up up up.  Forget about that stupid notch.
Do NOT slip here.  This is one crazy ass trail.
Slow going, but this doesn't live up "route" status (yet).
Dean has lunch in the shade while we warm up in the sun.
Dean finds the ultimate shade spot in Escalante Creek.
Tommer now finds out that he is just
  a back up G* phone for Oliver.
Dissension at Escalante Beach.  Will this lead to disaster?
Split up?  What's that about?
Wish I had been on Paul's Team.
Blue Team decides to make Yellow Team head to 75 mile canyon.
Blue Team has it all figured out.  Just follow the map.
Yellow Team under Paul's orders drop into "The chute".
Blue Team is in disarray.  Splintering multiple times.
Dean heads off for the rim.  Stop Dean!
Tommer and Dean investigate jumping to the bottom.
Glad we snagged Oliver and his filter and G* phone.
Nobody home at the ranger station?  Stupid phone.
Blue Team spots Yellow Team taking the chute.  Yikes!
Freaked out by the sight, David drops the camera bag and
grabs the strap as it starts to head down 75 Mile Canyon.
Huge regret: Not filming The Chute traverse!
Gary and Paul look like buckhorn sheep defying gravity.
Blue Team takes the other "correct" trail down.
This 12' pour off is easy, oh wait that wasn't it.  This is it.
Tom drops pack and climbs down in seconds.
David drops pack and climbs down in minutes.
Finally, a use for a rope.
Dean and Tommer could get jobs as DIA baggage handlers.
Tom: "Toss the video camera down"
David: "No, let me be the one to drop it"
That was cool.  Lets do it again.
I sure hope we won't have to go up this canyon!
Tight squeeze pour offs.  Arc'teryx terrain.
5:30PM: The end of a long crazy ass day.
Yellow and Blue reunite and form "green" envy.
Who took the right path?  We may never know.
Trails illustrated does not show any trail in the creek. Idiots.
Paul wins for most courageous/insane.
Pump water, head dunk, happy hour, dinner, bed.
Not one Pringle broke!
Gatorum with 151 rum instead of vodka.  Wow.
Warning: Do not hold the food package upside down. Open stupidity.
Paul and David have permanent tomato stains on their feet.
Good thing these aren't meals for four in a pouch.
OK are you all done with the ziplock jokes?  No.
A three pot meal?  That's one crazy ass Team Boulder meal.
Paul and David spend an hour chatting about the virtues of light gear.
Who spotted a satellite?
These phones work everywhere!

SUNDAY 7AM: 75 MILE/NEVILLS RAPIDS
Did a ring tailed cat really eat Oliver's gorp?
Hance creek or bust.
Boulders every step up and down.
Papago canyon.  This is where it gets interesting.
Dean climbs to the top of the rock with pack on in under 2 minutes.
Rope the packs up for us mortals.
Chain gang teamwork.
Is it ever going to get easier?
Time to go down the slide.  Those rocks are lose.
Even this last stretch is not trivial.
Red Canyon/New Hance rapids are in sight.
Paul the stud mooches 4 Coors from the young girls.
Had to be a Colorado beer.  Coors never tasted so good,
Joe pick a bad lent to give up beer.
Minimal shade, maximum lunch.
Tonto trail will be flat and easy.  Wrong!
Yelling sure freaks out kayakers.  Sorry dude.
Up up up up.  No more river.
Where did that furnace wind come from?
Eyer point.  Last Team meeting before camp.
Long contour.  On and on and on.
Hance creek canyon is an oasis from the heat.
Time to pump.  Nobody better pee upstream.
Did we need this wind and sand?
Team SD loses the dinner race again.  Dirty pots?  None.
Eat and burn all extra weight for tomorrow will be burdensome.
What's that sound?  Mountain goats?  Wild boars?  Toads?  Boring.
Oliver's wild bachelor party with a high tech twist.
"Like moths flying into a light."
"Like the mother robin feeding the baby birds."

MONDAY 7AM: HANCE CREEK
Where is the private bathroom?
What kind of furry animal bit Dean on the back?
  Mouse, bat, ring tailed cat, bad dream, or a mystery beast?  Yikes.
Lift 'em.
Estimates claim 3-5 miles.  Reality: 6.5 miles.  3000' gain.
Up up and away.
When is this trail going to get easy?
Who would mine here?  That a lot of digging.
Careful around those turns.  Watch that pack as it scrapes the rocks.
Suck in and squeeze through that pass.
Horseshoe Mesa.  Ahh.  The light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no Team from here on.  We spell team: "IIIIIIIII"
Set your pace and get it over.
These stones are a mixed blessing.  
  The pitch is killer, but the gain is fast.
Just when you thought you were at the top....
Tourist are scattered along the trail.  Get out of our way!
Why did that rock behind me move?
  Some idiot threw it.
  That idiot is a father and his two kids.  Geez.
  The adrenaline turns David into a rage psycho.
  Verbally scars the father and children for life.
David gets a stupid idea to make the top by 11am.  He makes it, but why?
Tom is not far behind.  Again why?
Tom has to push his way through the screaming fans.
Van retrieval begins.  
On the long drive we think "We hiked all this way and then some?"
The drive from Lipan to Grandview was a high.
  Santana playing.  Sun shinning.  Cool wind blowing.  Privacy!
  Another hike under the belt.
Dean and Paul waiting at Grandview.  They look relieved to see the vans.
Joe is next making great time,
  and is now thinking about a foot massage.
Gary and Tommer, holding back, make the top next.
"If I had a million dollars, I'd buy you a green coat,
  but not a real one that would be cruel."
Oliver and Kim pop up and we are all together again.
Guinness is tasting as good as it gets.
Joe picked a bad lent to give up beer.
Teams shots with and without the controversial "T" hand.
Showers showers showers.  Yes!
These quarters are slippery.
Tommer barely beats Kim out of the showers.  Must be those Luna bars.
McD's again.  Its tradition!
Where did Dean put all that food.  Two super size fries?
Shake Kim's hand and hug the guys.
Tom's got a date with the in-laws. Stay out of his way.
Oliver: "Things fall off of bodies, that's a fact"
11PM home again.  
Linda asleep, unaware of the beat up grungy
  man about to land in her bed.
Ahhhhh.

TUESDAY 7:30AM: SAN DIEGO
The bike ride into work seems just a little different today.
The air looks a little dirtier, the traffic is busy,
everyone is in a rush to do something.  Despite this, the
world is actually a little more enjoyable to me now.

Spec's from the NPS (I was off on a few of the days):
Day1: 9 miles
Day2: 10 miles
Day3: 8.5 miles
Day4 6.5 miles
Total 34 miles (+1 for five idiots) (+1 for Dean the scout)

No matter how many times I do these crazy trips I make old
and new mistakes.  The website info makes more sense after
a revisit. I guess if it went exactly as planned
it wouldn't be an epic.

Friendly team.
Supportive team.
Generous team.
Fun team.
Tough Team.
One Team.

It was a pleasure playing with you all.  Lets do it again.
GC5 in 2001?  I love that damn hole.

djj