The More Than Complete Guide

to Surrviving The DeCoster Dining Hall

YUMMY!! TASTY!!

1. If you have to look at the card to find out what it is, don't eat it.
2. If you guessed something completely different than what is on the card, don't eat it.
3. If you look at the the card and still don't know what it is, don't eat it.
3.5 If the card has both a Genus and a Species, DON'T EAT IT!
4. Anything of the color puse or blue or matching the walls of your dorm room is out of the question--don't even smell it.
5. If it eats through your plate, don't eat it.
5.5 If it eats your plate and asks for more, run away!
6. If the steam off of it eats through the ceilling, run away.
7. If it jumps off the table and yells, "Bonzai!!", run away.
8. If it yells "Food Fight" run away.
9. If it yells "Please, take me out of my misery!", throw a fork in it and DON'T EAT IT!!
10. If it's culture has sufficiently advanced to the use of simple tools, don't eat it.
11. If you see it every day for a week, don't eat it and please don't date it.
12. If you think you like something, stop eating immediatly. It's just the toxins eating up your brain.
13. If the smell gives you a nosebleed, don't eat it.
14. If the server is wearing radioactive protection gear, don't eat it.
15. If the server is being dragged into the pan by the entre, don't eat it.
16. If the server also works at Americall, don't eat it.
17. If the server has open sores all over his body, don't eat it.
17.5 If the server is drawing a pentegram and chanting in order to contain the entree, run away.
18. If you get the feeling McDonald's is healthier, don't eat it.
19. If you start reminicing about the great food in your high school cafeteria, don't eat it.
19.5 If there is a sudden, unexplained dissaperence of pigeons, pets, students, and/or faculty, run away.
20. If you get the feeling the decorations would taste better, leave dinning hall immediatly.
21. If you eat your fork and don't realize it until you go to take your tray up, get out of there fast.
22. If you have to chew the water or mashed potatoes, don't eat it.
23. If you start spitting out teeth, don't eat it.
24. If it requires heavy shop machinery to cut, don't eat it.
25. If it qualifies for a senior citizen discount, don't eat it.
26. If it demands voting rights, don't eat it.
27. If it has a tattoo, don't eat it.
28. If you see your dinner reaching for a fork, either grab a weapon or run as fast as you can.
29. If it develops cold fusion, don't eat it. Sell it, instead.
30. If all else fails, DON'T EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30.5 If all else fails, DON'T TAUNT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
31. If you have to eat it, don't think about it.
32. If you have to eat it, for your own sanity's sake, try not to think of what it is made of.
34. If the line outside the dining hall winds past "The Lake" and ends somewhere between The Amoco station and Wallgreen's, just go over to Liberty Square!!
35. If you have to eat it, try not to think where it came from or whose hands it has gone through.
36. If you have to complain about it, make sure that you don't mention anything about how fake the food really is to ANY dining hall worker (especially if you date one).
37. Finally, if you have to eat it, don't do so while other people are watching.
Corralleries to the law:

Liberty Square is always better (this is just the human mind's attempt at explaining the DeCoster Dining Hall and justifying its continued existence) The desert on the other side of the dinning hall is always better (this is because you don't have to look at it nearly as long and therefore have not fully contemplated what you are about to put in your mouth.)

HAC thinks college students only need to eat once a week or so-- have you seen the schedule for opening in September?

Campus Food Song
(Sung to the tune of "Be Our Guest")
Be our guest, be our guest
You want service? Oh you jest!
Put that napkin to your mouth, cherie
Spit out that aweful mess.
Soup is poor, meat is green
Why, we only use Grade "D".
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious.
Don't believe us? SON! It's vicious!
We can sing, we can dance
We wear dresses, boys wear pants
And a dinner here is always second best.
Go on, give it a whirl.
Leave DeCoster, then hurl.
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Mystery meat, corn souffle, armadillo a flambe
We'll prepare and serve with hair a culinary tragede'.
You're not alone, we're all scared
'cause the meal's ill-prepared.
You're all gloomy and complaining,
We don't care, 'cause you're prepaying.
We're a joke! We play tricks -
There's no meat in those Quick Chicks.
We smear them with a paste you can't digest!
Come in but get out fast!
You're gonna pass some gas so
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

The meal is so unnerving
When you see just who is serving.
Here's a bowl with a sole to chew upon.
Ahhhhh...those good old days when we were nasty.
Suddenly those good old days are gone.
Seven months we've been cheery,
Did you note the food's still dreary?
Needing training - we've got no cooking skills.
Most days we grab what lies around the kitchen
Cover it with gravy
Here's Brother Schaap - oopsidazy!

It's a guest! It's a guest!
Now we've got to be our best!
They pay board and thank the Lord
That it's they who sign the checks.
Eat dessert, then just leave.
Just get out before you heave.
While our concoctions are still brewin'
You'll be gagging, you'll be spewin'
We've got beef, maybe not
Heavens sake, was that Spot?
Grind him up,
We don't care if you're impressed!
It's a surprise for you,
You'll never have a clue!
When you're our guest,
Be our guest, be our guest!

Be our guest! Be our guest!
Those aren't jimmies, they're insects.
It's ten years since we've had fumigators here,
So we've got pests!
Try the veal, try Chinese
They'll both bring you to your knees!
Overnight the mold's still growing
Add some sauce so it's not showing.

Down they go, One by one
They all shout, "I've got the runs!"
Tomorrow comes real soon
Aren't you depressed?
Next year it's Liberty Square,
But for now it's so unfair
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
PLEASE! BE OUR GUEST!

Who's looking out for you? Pick me!!
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