2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
3. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
4. Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
5. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
6. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
7. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
8. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
9. Mine his bathroom.
10. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
11. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
12. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
13. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
14. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Good Housekeeping and Redbook. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
15. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
16. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
17. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
18. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
19. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the snot out of him.
20. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
21. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.
22. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
23. Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
24. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
25. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his rear end every day for eternity".
28. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
29.Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
30. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
31. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
32. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
33. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
34. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
35. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
