It all started in August of 1993. I started dating this girl named Monica that I had met through a friend at school. We spent most of our time together in school as well as out of school. We got really close to one another and things were going great until one day her brother and some of his friends decided to rape her. This happened more than once. When she finally got up the courage to tell her mom whom she thought would trust her and comfort her she found out that her mother did not believe her to begin with and said that if that really did happen then she got what she deserved because of the lifestyle that she had "chosen". She decided that it would be better to go live with her grandma who lived 300 miles away. On September 14th, 1996, a week before she was suppose to leave to go there her and her mom got into a huge fight and so she called me one day to come over so she could talk about what happened with her and her mom. When I got over there we talked for about three hours and she seemed to be fine and just glad that she would soon be out of all this drama. But that was evidentially a big front because I went to the bathroom and when I came out she became very angry and told me to go away that she didn't want me here and that she didn't want me to see her like this. So naturally I freaked out and went running over there only to find that she had cut her wrists very deep and was bleeding all over the bed and herself. So I called 911 and tried to stop the bleeding but it didn't work. Before the ambulance could get there she died due to too much blood loss. I didn't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I just sat there numb and wondering why. I felt like I was in a nightmare and I would soon wake up and find out that all of this was not real. But that wasn't the case, it really did happen but it took me a while to realize that. I went home after all this happened and went straight to my room and the next day I acted as if nothing had happened. But two days after it had happen I couldn't take the pain anymore so I overdosed on a lot of pills. I realize now that I didn't really want to kill myself I just wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to get better and that the pain would go away. Well luckily I didn't succeed at killing myself but I did land myself in the hospital for what seemed like forever but in reality was only a couple of weeks. I came out more screwed up then when I arrived there. I began to self-mutilate, isolate myself, had nightmares about what had happened, couldn't sleep but wanted to all the time, and I didn't care about anything. This went on for about six months and then I became very hostile and didn't get along with anyone and didn't care still. About a year and a half after all this happened I realized that I had to get on with my life because she was gone and there was nothing that I could do to change that. I was tired of being miserable. Making myself get on with my life was the second hardest thing that I have ever had to do besides that day. It's been a really rough and bumpy ride since then but I have moved on with my life. I still think about her everyday. I have learned so much from this experience that a lot of people will never understand or experience and I am glad for that. I know everything happens for a reason even though I may never know that reason. I worked with the Yellow Ribbon Foundation in 98-99 and plan to start working at a suicide crisis center in September of this year and hopefully help someone from making that HUGE mistake that they can NEVER take back.
GLBT youth make up 30% of ALL completed youth suicides
Monica Byrd
1981-1996
Please call 1-800-SUICIDE
or go to:
www.metanoia.org/suicide
www.forbettertimes.com
www.road2healing.com/forever.html
or talk to someone that you trust
*Every 14 minutes someone succeeds.
