| Guess Who's Going To College? |
| God, Allah, Jehovah, The Almighty, The Holy Spirit, Jove, Zeus, Rain and Buffalo God, and "the man who invented Pokemon" (according to small children everywhere) |
| Name of Applicant: |
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| FIRST LAST M.I. |
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| Address: |
| STREET & NO. APT. # |
| Verily, do I not live everywhere? For yea, I am the sun and the earth and I am as I am, and lo, shall I not be here and there, and in all other places, as I shall? Is it not right that I should fit on the head of a pin |
| CITY STATE ZIP |
| or in the smallest atom which intellect can devise? Is it not fitting that I am too large for the grandest mansion, too huge for your mountains, too great for your galaxies? Shall I be in one address, or shall I |
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| Sex: |
| No. |
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| Race: |
| instead be in all? Am I not welcome in each home? Am I not loved in each heart? Shall I be so restricted, so lost, that I shall have but one address? [cont. on 18 addl pages] |
| GPA |
| 100 |
| SAT I: Verbal: Math: |
| SAT II: English Lit.: English Comp: Latin: Math I: Math II: Biology: Chemistry: Physics: |
| 800 800 800 800 800 800 800 410 |
| 800 800 |
| EDUCATION |
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| SCORES |
| High School: Name: Address: |
Oh, verily, I have gone to school. For all of life, all of the universe--is it naught but a school? Do we not learn, simply in that we have not been schooled? Do we not grow and change, and continue to grow and change? Shall I be bound to a building, a place, a prison of this sort? |
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| RECOMMENDATIONS |
| Okay, I admit, the guy wasn't the best dad in the world. I mean, that whole "forsaken me" thing still stings a little, I've got to admit. And, yeah, the booming voice thing can get on your nerves. I mean, most kids, they stay out a little late, and it's no big deal. I do it and it's "YOU WANT ANOTHER NOAH'S FLOOD, YOUNG MAN?" But, come on, let's face it. You should admit him. I mean, he's God. Think about that alumni association meeting. Harold Q. Masilmenger, Co-Executive Vice President, Get-Rich-Quick, Inc.; Luigi Von Vonelvone, Second Trombone Player, Williamston Philharmonic; Earl Arison, Co-Host, "Who Can Get Away With Murder?: The New Reality Series"; and then, at the end of the list (he's really into drama; don't ask ME about thunderstorms) God, Creator Of The Universe. It's got to look good on the stationery, am I right? Huh? Huh? And plus, I hate to point it out, but you do kind of owe me. You know, the whole me dying for your sins thing ought to be worth something, huh? |
Jesus Christ H [I've heard] |
| Recommender 1: |
| FIRST LAST M.I. |
| God. How do you sum up a Superior Being who you've been fighting with for an extra, extra, extra long time? (Yes, I'm the writer of those gum commercials, as you've probably guessed.) Well, for one thing, awesome hackysack player. You've never seen hackysack unless you've seen it played on a higher plane of existence, but trust me, God is pretty damn good. (If you can mention that I called Him "damn" good, I'd appreciate it.) There's more to Him than hackysack, although with Him there frankly doesn't need to be. I mean, the harp playing? Forget about it. (No, I'm not Pacino. And frankly, I didn't think his portrayal of me was very fair. I mean, did he even once mention all the good stuff? Like the all-night poker games between me and Dracula that eventually got him off the blood and into rehab? Or the fact that we've got the best smoked meats in the universe in Hell, but does that make it into the movie??) I got distracted for a minute there. Look, I really think you should admit God. Forget the hackysack and the harp playing for a second. He's an incredibly dedicated opponent. Here's a Supreme Being who's been fighting me for millions of years. And has He given up? I mean, no matter how many politicians and roller bladers I create, He always continues fighting. That's got to be worth something. How many other Supreme Beings would continue fighting all these years? |
Satan, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, The Devil, The Dark One, Tom Hanks, Most Horses, etc., etc. |
| Recommender 2: |
| FIRST LAST M.I. |
| Let's add this up, shall we? Here we have a candidate who's a severe ego problem. And I'm not talking severe ego problem like all those actors who keep getting in. I'm not talking severe ego problem like "My dad went here, so I want a scholarship." I'm not even talking severe ego problem like "Well, I took math in high school, so I don't have to take it again, right?" I'm talking severe ego problem on the order of a God complex. I mean, when this clown comes to the campus he immediately starts ordering everyone around, demanding to be brought nectar, and then grumping that the diet cherry soda my secretary personally went out to get for him was nowhere near as good as nectar. And then he starts talking about how it might be time for another flood. Disturbing on a number of levels. While none of his recommenders mentioned any vandalism specifically, I really don't trust either of these recommenders. How could you trust them? One comes in and delivers his entire recommendation in tritones, somehow managing to produce tritones even though he's the only one singing, and the other insists upon hugging me every two minutes and addressing me as "Brother," insisting that we have the same father. I assure the committee that my parents' subsequent separation has little to do with my verdict in this case. Okay, yes, the grades are good. But the character issues are pretty weighty. And the fact that the candidate is demanding a 100% scholarship, in addition to room and board (which apparently means a three-course meal every day)? I'm sorry, but just a little disturbing there, if you catch my drift. There's no way this clown is getting into college. Not this college. Not while I'm in charge of Admissions. |
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| EVALUATION |
| confidential--not to be shared with applicant |
| EPILOGUE |
| On March 16, 2005, God was denied admission to his first-choice college. By March 17, the director of admissions at the college had reported seeing the Hudson River catching fire twelve times, reported two separate plagues of locusts, and been hit by lightning three times. However, he was a Republican, so these claims might be open to interpretation. God reapplied elsewhere and was eventually accepted into the Betelgeuse Academy. Unfortunately, two months later he was asked to withdraw after a debate over whether planets orbit stars in ellipses. The astronomy professor who raised the question of the shape of orbit to begin with is reportedly enjoying his octagonal orbit around a clothespin very much, and has since come up with a new theory of the universe, suggesting that it might be vaguely clothespin-shaped. God has since withdrawn from formal education, deciding that omnipotence may, after all, be an adequate substitute for education. |
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| PERSONAL STATEMENT |
| Yea, I did create this Universe, and it did create Me once again, and doth this not illustrate My work ethic? Doth this not illustrate that I shouldst be admitted as speedily as One might be? And the duck-billed platypus! Shouldst a Creator not get credit for such an invention? Oh, there are those blasphemers who say I did not accomplish this, who say that some foolish Natural Law is responsible! Yet, is Natural Law not My law? Is My law not natural? Did I not make the Heavens tremble, and burst open in rain? Did I not allow it to rain forty days and forty nights? Did I not work really, really hard on that assignment, showing my attention to detail as well as my willingness to put in the extra effort? In short, am I not the sort of candidate one might seek? The sort who knows all Man's secrets, yet loves him anyway? The sort who wishes only to care for His creations, great and small, man and mouse, and duck-billed platypus?... I am your God, your Father, your Savior. I could be a great aid to your school. I hope to hear from you soon. |
| Some selections |
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