| The History of Sassafras County, Missouri |
| In 1832, the county was plunged into a crisis no one could have foreseen, particularly since no one was keeping a particularly close watch for crises. Andrew Jackson, Old Hickory himself, came through Missouri because he had to get a tooth pulled, which is what passed for fun before television was invented. Needless to say, Jackson had to see the county that so proudly bore his name, since that was part of their agreement when he took their trademarked name for his presidential campaign. And Jackson, minus one tooth, was in a rather odd mood. Somehow when the dentist had pulled Jackson's tooth he had been a little distracted, wondering if he could convince the president that he needed an additional tooth pulled. This dentist, by the way, founded several of the most prestigious dental colleges, with the slogan "Onus Quisque Dens" ("Charge Per Tooth") winning him great acclaim in the dental community, one of the few places where people still spoke Latin. The distracted dentist had sadly left several tools in the President's mouth, and spent the rest of the week looking for them. President Jackson, however, was far too busy thinking about his campaign speech and wondering whether the title should be "We Can Defeat Those Damme Yankees" or "We Can Defeat Those Damne Yankees." (President Jackson was not the most decisive of people when it came to spelling, sparing all his decisive moments for making policy.) He failed to notice the teasing needle and dental hook that had been left in his mouth. Consequently, when he came to Old Hickory County to give his speech, the President was somewhat distracted and unable to speak, with several dental implements sticking out of his mouth. Yet there was the crowd. Jackson had to make a decision, and quickly. Something had to be done to distract the crowd while his aides removed the dental tools from his mouth. He took a watermelon and several eggs from people there purely to provide him with a watermelon and eggs should the need arise. And he began juggling them. The people were astonished. And some were horrified. To see a President, someone with dignity (this was long before anyone had even heard of Ronald Reagan and the vegetable jokes) and stature (it was also before anyone had ever heard of President Nixon), juggling, was a spectacle almost no one in Old Hickory County had ever thought to behold. [Oddly enough, there was one exception to this, Rodney Rodney, the county's first professional idiot (a job which has sadly since passed to amateurs), who had long since said, "I bet the President will show up with a dental pick in his mouth and juggle." Unfortunately, one of the curses of our time is how seldom people listen to wisdom when it comes out of the mouths of idiots.] |
| Part Two. Those Climacteric Early Middle Years (Why Would You Even Ask If We Know That One?) |
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| While it's true that Mark Twain was never in Sassafras County, there is a rocking chair in the county, so this is a fairly honest photograph to post here, all things considered |
| The meeting was a historic one for Hickory County, for 'twas (they talk like that in Sassafras County sometimes) at that meeting that someone arose and said, "We shall not be named after a buffoon." Another staunch county executive rebutted this statement, "Yes, we shall! And proudly!" "Yes, We Shall, And Proudly." It was a slogan undeniable in its power, and immediately became the title of four different best sellers interchangeable in plot (since none of the four authors actually had a plot about which to write). It was a slogan that none in the county could refute. And many were so persuaded by it that they immediately refused to change the name of the county. Others, however, remembering what President Jackson had done (according to one study, the number of people in Missouri suffering from post traumatic stress disorder tripled that day), could not embrace the slogan, despite their better judgement. These sadly abandoned the slogan and the county both, breaking away from Old Hickory County to form Sassafras County. The two counties immediately went to war. Local histories indicate that both counties emerged victorious. |
| The meeting was a historic one for Hickory County, for 'twas (they talk like that in Sassafras County sometimes) at that meeting that someone arose and said, "We shall not be named after a buffoon." Another staunch county executive rebutted this statement, "Yes, we shall! And proudly!" "Yes, We Shall, And Proudly." It was a slogan undeniable in its power, and immediately became the title of four different best sellers interchangeable in plot (since none of the four authors actually had a plot about which to write). It was a slogan that none in the county could refute. And many were so persuaded by it that they immediately refused to change the name of the county. Others, however, remembering what President Jackson had done (according to one study, the number of people in Missouri suffering from post traumatic stress disorder tripled that day), could not embrace the slogan, despite their better judgment. These sadly abandoned the slogan and the county both, breaking away from Old Hickory County to form New Hickory County. |