SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "Twas the night before Christmas, when--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You see, and that's the whole problem right there. I mean, the night before Christmas is called Christmas eve. So why can't you just say that?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's right. It's showing off, that's all. I mean, who says "'twas"?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I know you two think you're funny, but you're really not. "--and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: A dandelion?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: A Swede?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "A mouse." You idiots!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What mouse? Where?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I really don't like mice. Do we have to have mice?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Shut up, both of you. "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, sure. I mean, otherwise you'd get a fire.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, isn't that the point? I mean, why would you hang stockings by the chimney and not have a fire?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No, I mean--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Shut up. "In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh. Sort of like those old ceremonies, where you light a fire and dance around it to summon a demon?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Except you can't really dance around a chimney. Anyway, shouldn't Saints have the right to decide whether or not they want to show up without people casting summoning spells the whole time? I mean, I don't think it'd be very restful being a saint if someone could just--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "The children were nestled--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: They probably caught it from playing in some poison ivy somewhere.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "all snug in their beds--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That makes sense, if they've got the nestles.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Is that like the California raisins?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh! I remember them. Boy, were they cool!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: This is me ignoring you. Just so you both know. "And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter's nap,"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Why? Did you have the nestles too?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I remember I wanted to be a California raisin when I grew up.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right, we've moved on.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What? You're talking about nestles, but I'm not allowed to talk about the California raisins?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Burglars.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Aliens.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Leprechauns.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Flesh-eating lemurs.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Aren't lemurs a type of leprechaun?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't think so. I think they're a type of cow. You know, the white-and-black ones?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Strange. I always thought they were a type of leprechaun.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Your skin and revealed that you were an alien.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Or a flesh-eating lemur.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right. The joke's over. Really. "The shutters and threw up the sash. The moon--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, good. There's a moon.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's so we know it's night. It's very clever to throw in the moon.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Right. Because the fact that everybody's asleep, that wouldn't give it away.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, this would go a lot faster if you two would shut up. "--on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the luster of mid-day to the objects below."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Convenient.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Right. Plus it saves on lighting design.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We approve.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Good. Now shut up. "When what to my--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "When what?"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You said when what?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: When? What?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's what I said.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Thank you, Abbott and Costello. Now shut up. "--wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Grapefruits?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Pigeons?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Flesh-eating lemurs?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "REINDEER!" Look, you idiots, do any of those other words even rhyme with "appear"?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, I've heard that flesh-eating lemurs rhyme with anything they want. They've got a natural gift for rhyming. You see--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right. Just shut up. "With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Father Time?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Or Mother Goose?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: The Lord of the Dance?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Maybe it was George Lucas.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: George Lucas? How could it be George Lucas?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, why not George Lucas?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "Saint Nick!" God. Of course it was Saint Nick! Haven't you numbskulls heard this poem before? Anyway. "More rapid than eagles his coursers they came--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: "Coursers?" What's a courser?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It's like an IRS agent.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: No, you're thinking of flesh-eating lemurs again.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Actually, I think coursers tend to carry nestles.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That would explain it, then.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "And he whistled and shouted and called them by--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: A, T, and T.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I prefer Verizon Wireless, myself. Have you seen their ads?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't think so, but frankly all phone company ads look kind of the same.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's true. It's like perfume ads. I read somewhere that all the perfume companies have sort of pooled their ad money and started producing joint ads.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Shut up. I like this part. "--name. 'Now Dasher! now Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!'"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What kind of screwed up name is "Prancer"?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't know, but it kind of sounds like that kid never had a shot growing up. Can you imagine what the playground would be like for a kid named "Prancer"? It'd be like a pit full of flesh-eating lemurs!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Or "Vixen." It kind of sounds like a perfume.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: From Calvin Klein?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't know, but I bet it'll appear in the same ads with Calvin Klein perfumes.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I said, shut up! "On, Comet, on, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I had a cherry blitzen once.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I prefer strawberry myself. Maybe strawberry with cheese.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Yes, but you don't want to get carried away with the cheese.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, naturally not.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I'm ignoring you both. Just so you know. "To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What kind of a screwed up house is this? Whose porch is at the top of the wall?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Maybe they had the porch removed to protect themselves from flesh-eating lemurs.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I thought flesh-eating lemurs were pretty rare--I mean, it's not like there are a lot of them.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Yeah, but they clearly had an infestation of the things. I mean, what else but a flesh-eating lemur would get a name like "Prancer"?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Sorry. What was that again?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: If you could just repeat yourself a little bit, it would make it much easier to follow.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Shut up. "all! As the dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It does seem a little windy.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: True, but doesn't that mean there's going to be a twister?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No. Usually it means that the storm is about to clear. You know, it being darkest before the dawn.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I never quite understood that. You'd think it would be darkest just after dusk, because maybe people haven't turned on their lights yet. But at dawn? Why would it be darkest at dawn?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No, no, no. You're missing the point--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You can say that again. "When--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Very rude! Interrupting like that!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "--they meet with an obstacle, mount up to the sky, So up to the housetop, his coursers they flew"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: See? So coursers can't be flesh-eating lemurs. I've never heard of a flesh-eating lemur that could fly.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Have you ever met an IRS agent that flew?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That sounds like the punch line to a really bad joke.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, you two have the Christmas spirit of a mollusk.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Funny thing: mollusks tend to celebrate Christmas. Especially umbrellas.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Umbrellas? Are umbrellas mollusks?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: They were last time I checked.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Anyway. "With a sleigh full of toys--and Saint Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Saint Nicholas is trapped in a sleigh? He's been kidnapped!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: By the IRS!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I always knew you couldn't trust the IRS!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Although the IRS seems to trust the IRS.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What on earth gives you that idea?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right. We really, really got the joke already. "--I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Cigar.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Glasses case.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Leaf-blower.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Why would they have a leaf-blower on the roof?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Why would they have a glasses case or a cigar on the roof?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right, look. Cigar? I mean, the flesh-eating lemur stuff was kind of cute, but now--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, that's so sweet!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It is nice to be liked.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: --but now we're going a little too far. I mean, cigars? And leaf-blowers? Sigmund Freud is screaming at the top of his lungs.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait--isn't he dead?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It was a metaphor. After all, we were reading a poem. Now, to continue: "--hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, Down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: He escaped!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: See? Why couldn't you just have started the poem here? Now we'll see some action.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Can you hum the James Bond theme?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No--I always get it mixed up with the Mission Impossible theme.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Funny. I always get it confused with the theme from Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Really? They sound totally different to me.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: They are. It's just that I really like the theme from Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Serves him right, that fur-wearing creep!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You lay off Saint Nick! I mean, he did have to escape from the IRS! THEY probably made him wear fur!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What? Have you ever seen an IRS agent walking down the street who wasn't wearing fur?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Actually, I've never seen an IRS agent walking down the street. I mean, I probably have, but I didn't know that they were an IRS agent at the time, so it doesn't count.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's very profound.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: If you don't mind, I'd kind of like to move on. "A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Toys?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Why did Saint Nick steal the IRS's toys? I don't get it.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That fur-wearing creep! I bet certain Saints aren't getting Christmas presents this year.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I kind of think you're missing something central here.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Don't you have to be dead to be a Saint, anyway?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's right! No wonder the IRS and the flesh-eating lemurs are after him! He's a walking corpse!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You two are very warped individuals. If you qualify as individuals. "His eyes, how they twinkled!"--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Formaldehyde will do that every time.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "His dimples, how merry!--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Dimples, or rotted holes in the miserable corpse's face?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "His cheeks were like roses--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I knew the funeral parlor was putting on too much blush.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "his nose like a cherry!"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: He must have been drunk when he died.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, great, a smiling corpse. There's always something so unnerving about a smiling corpse. It's like, when a corpse doesn't smile, that's bad enough, but when one does...
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Hold on one second. He was smoking?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, he is a corpse.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I know, but smoking is very unhealthy. I think you should probably include a disclaimer with this poem that you are not sanctioning the use of tobacco under any circumstances.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Plus, the Surgeon General says that this site may be harmful to your health.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Especially if you're pregnant or nursing.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait, wouldn't that be harmful to the baby's health?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "--it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, great, so we're also celebrating obesity. Do you have any idea how unhealthy this site is?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No wonder so many children are overweight, if this is the sort of lifestyle choice we're encouraging.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, an elf! They're easy enough to deal with. Just bury a potato.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Potato? What are you talking about? No, we have to dance around a fire and sing.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Then it's a good thing we've got a chimney right there in the poem. What should we sing?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't know. How about "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore"? That's always a big crowd-pleaser.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't know. I prefer something with a beat. What about "Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat." It's basically the same thing: you know, the boat as a metaphor for heaven and all that.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But do you think singing "Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat" will get rid of elves?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't know. I find I always want to leave the room when someone sings it.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Poor thing! He must have died of a broken neck.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSlATOR: "Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: He was hypnotized.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, obviously.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: ""He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: With baby flesh-eating lemurs?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: No. With Norelco products, as seen on the new James Bond movie.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, great. Just what this site needed: a product placement. Why would a rotting hypnotizing walking corpse put Norelco razors in Christmas stockings?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What, is it MY story now? How would I know?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "--then turned with a jerk, And laying a finger aside of his nose--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, that's just not hygenic.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Or appropriate. I mean, the behavior of rotting hypnotizing walking corpses today! I remember when rotting hypnotizing walking corpses knew how a rotting hypnotizing walking corpse should behave!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Shut up. "And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's it: a rotting hypnotizing walking corpse that can also fly! We need Buffy!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Send out the Bat signal!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: No, you idiot, that's for someone else. For Buffy you have to whistle.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's Lassie. Lassie comes if you whistle.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I thought Lassie comes if you say "Here, Boy."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wouldn't it be "Here, Girl"?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Would it?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, Lassie certainly sounds like a girl's name.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't know. But I'm pretty sure Lassie couldn't help us here, anyway.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Probably not.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Go Knicks!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I didn't even know you watched football.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "And away they all flew like the down of a thistle!"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: They probably still have the nettles. I'm pretty sure that the down of a thistle can be used to treat the nettles.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: But--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "But I heard him exclaim, ere--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Hey, I was speaking!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, it's very rude to interrupt people.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Very rude!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, good. Now they're repeating their own jokes. Honestly, get some new material. "--he drove out of sight, 'Happy Christmas to all--'"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Happy Christmas?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Who on earth says Happy Christmas?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's right. I mean, what kind of a freaky flying rotting hypnotizing walking corpse is this?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Thank God we're almost done. "--and to all a good night!"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: All right, but who says Happy Christmas?
Or, if you prefer the short version (which you clearly don't, having read an eight-thousand word Christmas carol, Merry Christmas to all, and to all...
Christmas 2003
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "On the first day of Christmas--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait a second. That raises a very complicated question. When does Christmas actually start? I mean, if there's a first day, does it go from midnight to midnight?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I've always thought it started at 6 a.m., myself. Or maybe that's just when I woke up.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Funny thing. I never like waking up early on Christmas morning. Of course, I never really get any presents, either.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You know, it would be much easier to do this if you three would keep your comments a little shorter. "--my true love gave to me--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How do you know that it's your true love? I mean, maybe you're going to meet somebody better later on, and they'll be your true love.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Also, the fact that they're communicating purely by giving one another material possessions seems a little shallow.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And kind of sleazy, to be honest. I mean, let's look at this relationship. What exactly is there besides gifts?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't have a true love. I had a lunchbox once, but I'm not sure that counts.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Please pay no attention to them, readers. It only encourages them. "--a partridge in a pear tree."
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't believe that for a second. In the first place, pears don't go on pear trees. They grow on vines. And what on earth is a partridge?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I think a partridge is some sort of a rodent.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Now it's starting to sound like one of my Christmas presents.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I thought you said you don't get Christmas presents, Junior.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, would you consider a rodent a real present?
DEEP & SINCERE VOICEOVER: Readers, I'm serious about paying them no attention. "On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Do you think this is the same true love as the one who was giving out presents on the first day of Christmas?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It doesn't sound especially likely. That's probably why there's more than one day of Christmas, so that people with more than one true love will have a holiday too.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, sure! They get twelve days of Christmas, and all I get is a rodent?!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree."
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's nice: "Here, how would you like a couple of birds and a rodent?"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Although a pear tree sounds nice.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Don't be silly. Pears grow on vines. You know, like herbivores.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I thought herbivores were like stegosauruses.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It's pronounced stegosaurusies. And they're actually more like velociraptors.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Careful--I hear Michael Crichton's lawyers are always keeping an eye on the internet for any mention of velociraptors. Apparently he's filed a form with the U.S. patent office for velociraptors. And anyway, herbivores are a lot more like orchids than dinosaurs.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: All three of you are insane--just my opinion, of course. "On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, three french hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Actually, in Georgia they've changed it to "three freedom hens."
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I had a chicken once. It didn't like me very much, though.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, Junior, some stories really don't need to be told.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: But I thought that was a pretty good story. I mean, you were talking about hens and everything!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Maybe it's "justice hens".
SIMULTANEOUS TRANLSATOR: What is? Herbivores?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No. I thought we'd moved on from herbivores.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Maybe hens are herbivores, too.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Maybe you're a herbivore.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That would be a better insult if one of you knew what a herbivore is. Junior, are you now or have you ever been an orchid?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: All right, look! I want quiet! Do you three hear me? Quiet! I'm reciting a charming traditional Christmas carol to bring some joy to a whole bunch of people who didn't read this far into the carol because they got the point already, and I deserve a little quiet while I do that! Do you understand?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But if they didn't read this far in, then why do you care whether we interrupt you?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Oh, shut up. "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Is that the same partridge as the first one?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And if it isn't, isn't that more partridges than one actually needs?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I'm not sure you ever can have too many partridges, myself.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't know. Personally, I favor the redistribution of partridges, so that instead of one person having four partridges, four people can have one partridge each.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: But is one partridge enough? I mean, I don't know if I could get through an entire day with just one partridge.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You've always managed before.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: True, but--
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Shut up! All of you! Shut up!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Somebody's a little touchy today.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this. All I wanted was to do radio commercials. Or maybe even a movie. You know, a short one. An independent film, maybe. I was told I had a great voice for independent films. It was all my father's fault. "Internet's the wave of the future," he kept saying. "You'll be all set for life--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Weren't you reciting a poem?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: It's not much of a poem. It doesn't even rhyme.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Then maybe we can help. What rhymes with partridge?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Somebody's a bit promiscuous.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I know--four different true loves in four days. Commitment issues, maybe?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Or maybe somebody just wants another partridge out of the deal. I know that some people get addicted. It's very sad, in a way...
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Okay, I mean it this time. Please shut up. "--four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You mean freedom hens.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree."
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How is the partridge in the pear tree? I mean, is it growing there?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I thought we established that partridges were rodents. You know, like turpentine.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Turpentine isn't a rodent.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You mean sassafras. Sassafras isn't a rodent.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, sassafras isn't a partridge, either, so that works.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: This is the part of the carol where I'm going to be ignoring all of you. "On the fifth day of Christmas--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Here we go again. Look, we get the point! You've got lots of true loves, and they're sending you lots of gifts, which sounds a little like prostitution. Now--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But what kind of a prostitute gets paid in partridges?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Probably not very many, when you think about it. I mean, prostitutes almost never accept sassafras.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: And we're all busy ignoring them. "My true love sent to me: five golden rings!"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, sure, that sounds good. But note that nobody's saying anything about the carat. I mean, we could be talking twelve-carat gold here.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, what's wrong with that? I bought some wonderful twelve-carat golden rings on the Home Shopping Network just last week, you know.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Were you going to give me one for Christmas?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I didn't think so.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Stop being such a sassafras, Junior.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Still ignoring them. "Four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Shut up. "--two turtle doves, and--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Do you think it could be a partridge?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I bet it is.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And I bet it's going to be an apple tree!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Junior, why on earth would it be in an apple tree?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, eventually they're going to run out of pear trees.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Now, honestly, Junior. Do you know anyone who's ever run out of pear trees?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You know, Pixar hired a new voiceover just last week. I wasn't even allowed to read--apparently doing work in a website just doesn't qualify you to do movie voiceovers. I mean--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait a minute! What happened next? What did your true love give you?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Was it a partridge? The suspense is just killing me!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Oh, sure. The second I stop reciting, everyone wants me to go on. But as soon as I start up again--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, quit whining! We're letting you talk an awful lot. Now, what happened next? Was it a partridge or wasn't it?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: All right, all right. But please keep quiet. "--a partridge in a pear tree."
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I knew it was a partridge.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I think this lack of imagination is kind of disgraceful. When do we move on to apple trees?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Maybe at the end? It would be a kind of exciting Christmas.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Gave you something?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Or maybe juggled onions?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Why would a true love juggle onions?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't know. Why would anyone juggle onions?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, juggling onions is better than juggling apple trees.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Hey! What do you have against apple trees?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I'm pretty sure apple trees have cyanide in them.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, we can't have anyone juggling cyanide.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What do you mean, cyanide?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up shut up!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Touchy, touchy.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Please, just let me get through this one little poem. Then you can talk all you want. "--gave to me, six geese a laying, five--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait a second. Laying what?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We may need to get a censor in here.
SAM, THE CENSOR: Hello.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I take it back. It's too crowded in here already. And, frankly, you creep me out. Go away.
SAM, THE CENSOR: Goodbye.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I'm pretty sure they're laying eggs.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Laying eggs? Like, while your true love is giving them to you?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That can't be good for the geese. Call the ASPCA!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: The ASPCA? Do they deal in geese?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Of course they deal in geese. Geese are animals, too.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Readers, I promise, I'm going to continue to try to ignore them, but it's kind of difficult. I really do apologize, although I feel that it's not my fault. You see, I wanted to be a movie voiceover, but my father--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, good. That story again!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Fine. "--golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree!"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How many partridges does that make, anyway?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That depends on if the pear tree can count as a partridge as well.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Look, say what you want about pear trees, they're not rodents!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: And we're back to ignoring you. "On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I'll give three to one that we're going to wind up with another partridge along the way here somewhere.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I won't take three to one, but I'll take twelve to one.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I'm not sure betting is allowed in a Christmas special. We'd have to ask the censor.
SAM, THE CENSOR: Hello.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Didn't I tell you to go away already?
SAM, THE CENSOR: Oh. Goodbye.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "Two turtle doves, and--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Here it comes! Twelve to one it is!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But I never placed the bet! I mean, you never accepted it. So it doesn't count! It doesn't!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--and a partridge in a pear tree. On the eighth--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I bet Christmas was a lot less fun back then. I mean, didn't it get boring to wake up early for eight solid days in a row?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: But they could bet on whether or not they got a pear in a partridge tree again. I mean, the other way around. Anyway, it was probably better than my Christmases. You know what I do on Christmas?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: No, we don't know. And I'm still ignoring you. "--day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, eight maids a milking, seven--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't care what any of you say, that has got to be one of the creepiest gifts ever. I mean, people are really getting human beings as gifts?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We should see what the United Nations has to say about this.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I think they're a little busy at the moment: President Bush has declared gummy bears vegetables, and they're trying to deal with that before moving onto other issues. But what worries me is, if these women milking while they're being given as gifts, what were they milking, and would that have been part of the gift?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What worries me is that you gave it that much thought. You really need a hobby, Junior.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Okay, look. It's a beautiful little Christmas carol. You're not meant to take every word literally! You're really not--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I really wish you would stop interrupting yourself. It's very distracting.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You're very distracting, and I don't complain about that!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You don't? Then what's with all the snide remarks? Anyway, you have a poem to read, and everyone really wants you to finish, and--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, actually, I think everyone's stopped reading by now. Haven't they?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's probably only because we're not doing the poem any more.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Oh, fine. Just please, keep quiet. I mean, everybody gets the joke already. We think you're very, very clever--all of you. Now you really could just let me finish. "--swans a swimming, six geese a-laying--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That line really doesn't sound any better this time around. Maybe--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: If you even mention the Censor again, I'm going to do something that I should regret but probably won't.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "Five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Here it comes. Is it a pear tree? Is it?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Probably.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--pear tree. On the ninth day of Christmas--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I bet your true love sent you something. Honestly, this is starting to sound less and less like true love.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I think we made that point already.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We probably did, but the song's a little repetitive. What do you expect?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--my true love sent to me, nine ladies dancing--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait a second! Is that in addition to the eight maids a milking?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Note the gender system represented by this Christmas carol. Women are good only for dancing and milking, while apparently men are all represented by birds and rodents.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: But if you take into account what Foucault said--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What is this, a dissertation? What do we need to talk about Foucault for?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Because, the translate went to NYU. Everyone at NYU is required to mention Foucault at least once a year. Boy, it's like you've never even read one of these carols before!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: May I suggest we sing "Deck the Halls" instead? It's a LOT shorter.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Or "We Wish You A Merry Christmas."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Also a good suggestion.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: We're back to ignoring mode, readers. Okay? "--Eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings!--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Still no mention of the carat size, you'll notice.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I actually didn't notice, so thanks for pointing this out. You know, I'd accept a golden ring no matter what carat it was.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: "--partridge in a pear tree!"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Why, thanks, Junior!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Junior, what on earth did you do that for?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't know. It's kind of catchy.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: So, somebody's been brainwashed.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I was brainwashed once. But it didn't take.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What does that mean?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, I don't know. Probably nothing. Luckily everyone's stopped reading by now, so we don't have to make any sense at all any more.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Good. Then shut up. "On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, nine ladies dancing--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: So, are you two disturbed yet? Clearly a violation of all human rights codes I've ever heard of.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I have to agree, it is kind of pushing the bounds of good taste. I mean, it was one thing to have maids a milking, but now it's getting to sound really creepy.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Like something out of a Harry Groener movie.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Who's Harry Groener?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: The question should be, who isn't Harry Groener?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: The question should be, why can't you three shut up and let me finish? "--eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: See, and that doesn't make sense either, when you think about it. I mean, what are these swans swimming in? Are you going to have to get bathtubs for them?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Plus having to clean up after them. It sounds like a lot of work.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And nobody needs more than one group of seven swans. Not even Harry Groener.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: If there was a way to type a sigh, I would sigh. Now, if you don't mind, "--six geese a laying--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I wonder how they'll get along with the swans?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Not to mention the sassafras in the pear tree.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Good point, but pears still grow on vines.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: --Freedom hens.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree! On the--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Does anyone have a count of exactly how many birds we've mentioned already? And can anyone come up with a formula to figure it out?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don't know, but anyone who does should go to http://www.dietcoke.com, where they can win great prizes and learn all sorts of fun and exciting facts about Diet Coke.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Yes, when looking for web sites, there aren't any cooler websites than http://www.dietcoke.com. A site for true refresh--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Hey! I thought we agreed, no commercial endorsements unless we were all included!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I know, but Junior, do you have any idea how much http://www.dietcoke.com has enriched our lives? I mean, just ask Harry Groener!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don't care. Those are the rules. And if you can't follow them, I'm going to start doing commercial endorsements of my own!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, yeah?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Yeah!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, good for you, Junior! You'll never make it out there! You need to find someplace comfortable, like http://www.dietcoke.com! The website preferred by two out of three website translators!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Internet translation. What a great idea. Thanks, Dad. "On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: If you're taking any more women, we're going to have to file moral turpitude charges against you.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: For anyone considering a tenure-track career, this poem is exactly what they mean by moral turpitude.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And no less creepy, I have to say.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Turpitude is a really cool word. It just sounds so scary.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Although if you look it up at this really cool new website, http://www.monkeys.com, which has the finest collection of freeware and software development packages on the internet--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's the best you can do? You landed the http://www.monkeys.com account? I mean, you couldn't even land http://www.snapple.com? At least that would have been SOMETHING!
DEEP AND SICNERE VOICEOVER: "--seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Of indiscriminate carat!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I will not stop, no matter what. "Four calling birds, three french hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree! On the eleventh day of Christmas--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: We'd really appreciate it if you'd just shut up already. I mean, I know exactly how this will end, and we're trying to have a conversation here. Look, all of you, I'm perfectly happy doing commercial endorsements for http://www.monkeys.com. I'd rather be a small fish in a big pond than--no, wait, that's not right at all.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And you think you can do commercial endorsements? You can't cut it, Junior. Let me tell you!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You're one to talk! You just lost us the http://www.dietcoke.com account!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Me? What'd I do?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You mentioned another website! Don't you know anything?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oooh! I know the answer to that one!!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--my true love sent to me: eleven pipers piping--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, shut up! It's all your fault I mentioned another website.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I have to agree. I mean, the Voiceover just won't stop interrupting us!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I agree. The Voiceover absolutely has to go.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Oh, yeah? Without me, I doubt you'd even get halfway through a Christmas carol! "--ten lords a leaping, nine--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I bet we could get through a Christmas carol if we really wanted to. Come on, everyone! "We wish you a merry Christmas--"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You can't start a new carol now! The readers will have us murdered if this website gets much longer. "--ladies dancing, eight maids a milking--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Hey, wait a second. What are they milking, anyway?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We wish you a merry Christmas!"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--seven swans a swimming--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Maybe they're milking the swans?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--six geese a laying, five golden rings!"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: With an unmentioned carat size! "We wish you a merry Christmas, and--"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "--a happy new year!"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait a second. Which Christmas carol is that?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's the figgy pudding one.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I almost auditioned for a voiceover spot for an advertisement for figgy pudding. Of course, then Dad decided--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And people call us repetitive! "Oh, bring us some figgy pudding--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Who calls us repetitive? I want names!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And e-mail addresses. Boy, will THEY be sorry! We'll send them so many e-mails they'll never recover!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree."
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Shocking ending to that verse, I have to say.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "Oh, bring us some figgy pudding--"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, twelve drummers drumming--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Did they have drums? Because if so, I think you'd better declare them as income.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That's right. Did you know that in Ottawa drums are used as currency?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: No, you're thinking of sassafras. In Ottawa, iguanas are used as currency. Which reminds me, what is an--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We're not having the iguana discussion, Junior. I'm warning you.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "Oh, bring us some figgy pudding--"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: And they complain about the poem repeating itself. I know I've heard the iguana discussion before. And it wasn't honestly all that funny the first time. "--eleven pipers piping, ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing--"
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That's just such a disturbing image.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I know. It kind of makes you wonder how this true love person was carrying all those dancing ladies. I mean, were they in a really big box or something?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And if so, were the lords a leaping over the big box that had the ladies dancing inside?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "--and a happy new year!"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Haven't you given that up yet?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And what does that mean, anyway? People are supposed to bring you a happy New Year?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It's probably in the same box with the dancing ladies.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I'm not even going to respond to that. "--eight maids a milking, seven--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "We won't go until we get some!"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right, you've made your point. Now, can you please stop with the extra carol? I mean, it's bad enough that we've got to sit through one painfully repetitive carol, but sitting through two is an awful lot to ask.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Plus, it doesn't sound like a very pleasant image. I mean, basically, you're extorting figgy pudding and a happy new year from these poor people. That doesn't seem very nice.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--swans a swimming, six geese a laying--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: If you keep that up much longer, even I'm going to have to call the censor.
SAM, THE CENSOR: Hello.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I said that I would have to call you, not that I did. Go away.
SAM, THE CENSOR: Oh. Goodbye.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "We won't go until we get some!"
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I bet I can finish first. "five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Freedom hens.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Will you please stop that? I mean, okay, you made the joke already. Do you have to keep making it?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "We won't go until we get some--"
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I thought it was a pretty funny joke. Did you get it? Because, you see, in some places they stopped calling them French fries, and they started calling them Freedom fries. That's what makes it funny.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Yes, but even a funny joke isn't funny when you explain it.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And you're an expert? I mean, you always seem to think that whole "I don't know what an iguana is" line is a barrel of laughs.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: "--two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear--"
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: "And a happy new--"
OFFICE OF TRANSLATION SERVICES, NEW YORK UNIVERSITY: WE APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING TO INTERRUPT THIS WEBSITE. HOWEVER WE FEEL IT IS MUCH MORE DRAMATIC TO LEAVE THE READERS WITH A CLIFFHANGER SO THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO LOOK FORWARD TO NEXT YEAR'S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WITH GREATER ANTICIPATION.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Wait! I can do a cliffhanger! Pay close attention, readers! Um...How will it end? Which of us will finish the Christmas carol first? Will Junior ever discover what an iguana is? Will the Translators interrupt next year's Christmas special? Will--
OFFICE OF TRANSLATION SERVICES, NEW YORK UNIVERSITY: WE THOUGHT THAT WE WERE FAIRLY CLEAR THAT THE CAROL WAS OVER. PLEASE STOP READING NOW.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Will--
OFFICE OF TRANSLATION SERVICES: OH, JUST SHUT UP.
--and a happy new year!
Christmas 2004
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �Oh! You better watch out!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh? Resorting to threats already?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I think it�s really early in the carol for threats.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: A threat would be a lot better than my usual Christmas present. Last year all you got me was a rodent.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Junior, are we still on that?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: On what?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: On the whole whiny �Oh, I never get anything for Christmas! It�s not fair!� riff. Honestly, you did it last year, and it�s getting a little old.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And I�m not sure it even qualifies as a riff, really. More like a motif.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I had a motif? Where?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I had a motif on my chin once, but they were able to remove it with that minimally-invasive surgery. Very cool, minimally invasive surgery.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It sure is. It�s so much less--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Invasive?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Funny. That�s exactly what I was going to say.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �You better not cry!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: See, Junior? Even the Voiceover thinks you complain too much.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I�m telling you, I never thought I�d live to see the day when they could perform minimally invasive surgery.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I know exactly what you mean. It�s like the cordless screwdriver.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How so?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You know, in that I never thought they�d advertise a cordless screwdriver.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You�re right, Junior. Screwdriver, surgery. Same thing, really.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I can�t believe we never saw the similarities before.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �You better not pout.�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How do you pout, anyway?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wait, I know this one! You put your lips together and blow.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: No, that�s whistling.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Are you sure that you can�t whistle and pout at the same time?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That�s what always puzzled me.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What is?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That whole thing about whether a person can rub their head and pat their back at the same time.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No, it�s pat their head and rub their back.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I missed a segue there.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, we can�t have you missing segues, Junior. We�d better just stop the whole discussion right now. Anyway, my point is, why would anyone want to pat their head and rub their back?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Maybe it�s rub your head and pat your tummy?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Yes, but the point is--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I�d really like to know where this conversation came from.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: From Halliburton. The Office of Simultaneous Translation has decided to subcontract with Halliburton for all our conversations.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No political commentary allowed, please. It�s Christmas. Wouldn�t want to politicize that.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That�s right. Commercial yes! Political no! Commercial yes! Political no! Commercial yes!--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Junior, is it just me, or are you making less sense than usual this carol?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: --Political no! Sorry, I had to finish. You know how it is.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I�m begging you, say that you know how it is. Please? Pretty please?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I know how it is.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, please ignore them. Responding only encourages them, and I�d really like to get this carol done in a few less lines than last year�s partridge fiasco. �I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town!�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: This song is hopelessly unfair to people who live in villages.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Or cities. Don�t people in cities get to visit Santa Claus?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I think a city is a town.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Then a village has to be a town too. Fair is fair.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: A town fair?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I was making a joke. Did you get it? It was funny. Did you get it? Did you?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: If anyone had gotten it, Junior, you wouldn�t need to explain that it was a joke.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don�t know. Subtle humor is sometimes very powerful.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Funny. That�s what Larry King said about the suspenders.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What is?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don�t know, but do you know how long it�s been since we�ve had a Larry King reference in one of these carols? It just didn�t seem fair.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Why do we need a Larry King reference?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, we wouldn�t, except we keep having these Santa Claus references, and it�s not fair to have a dozen Santa Claus references and no Larry King references. It�s totally unjustified, unfair, and I think unconstitutional.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: So then can you have carols with a dozen Larry King references and only one Santa Claus reference?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: That wouldn�t be fair to Santa. And you heard what the Voiceover said. If you even shout a little bit you get in trouble with him. Can you imagine what he�d do if you didn�t include him in your carols?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to bring a modicum of sense into this website.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �He�s��
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Nice use of the word �modicum.�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Thanks. It was very well done, wasn�t it?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I was impressed.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You know, you three could at least let me get out a line before you start prattling on about nothing again.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We could?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I�m going to need to see documentation on that.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Preferably in writing.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You�re almost funny. ��making a list!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: See, now that�s just bad planning. Have you got any idea how few words rhyme with �list�?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Fist.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Cyst.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Kissed.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Mist.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Wrist.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Door-hinge.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You two are really quite nutty. I hope you know that.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What? You brought it up. Anyway, I happen to be very fond of door hinges.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But the word doesn�t rhyme with list!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I know, but you can just imagine how hard it would be to open doors without hinges. I think you�re being very unfair by trying to censor our conversation about door hinges.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I agree. You�re going on the list! Voiceover, where�s the list?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No! Anything but that! Please, just slap my wrist!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You see? It does rhyme!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �Checking it twice!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, I�ve always said there�s no point in making a list unless you�ll check it twice.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Why only twice? I mean, making a mistake on this list would be a real problem. Maybe he could check it a few more times?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I�m pretty sure the Office of Simultaneous Translation has a proofreading service.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We could also translate it.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: That�s right. Why, there�s no end to the wonderful services provided by the Office of Simultaneous Translation. The OST, making your lives easier so you have time to read lengthy Christmas carols.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Hey! What happened to the song lyrics?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Sorry. I got carried away. It sounded like a commercial. You know, I always wanted to do commercial voiceovers.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We know.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: But my father said that the future of voiceover work was really in websites.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Right. We know. Really. We know.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Very forward-thinking man, my father.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Did you hear Junior say we know? Because I thought Junior said we knew.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Of course, the fact that in a commercial I�d get something to challenge my voiceover talents, that didn�t matter.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, for God�s sake! �Gonna find out��
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Right. Thanks. And I�m sorry about that�just drifted off for a minute there. ��who�s naughty or nice.�
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, that�s as clear a denial of moral relativism as I�ve heard lately.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I know what you mean, Junior. I mean, let�s face it. There are a lot of shades of gray in between the whole naughty vs. nice paradigm.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And I think Foucault would suggest that--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No! No more Foucault in these carolss. I mean it!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I have to agree. There�s altogether too much Foucaultian analysis of Christmas carols in general these days. I mean, you can�t turn around without seeing it. It�s like Staples or Starbucks.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Actually, did you hear that they�re re-working GPS systems so that they measure your distance from the nearest Starbucks?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Now you�re just making things up.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: No, I heard that too. It cost them a fortune, but from now on all city maps and all GPS systems are going to have all the Starbucks on them. It�s a real breakthrough in the marriage of cartography and business.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: The marriage that everyone�s been waiting for.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Can I make a Jennifer Lopez joke here?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I think we�re all a little too sophisticated for that sort of thing.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: We are? When did we get sophisticated?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I�m with Junior. I think you�re all Philistines.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Hey! As the honorary Philistinian ambassador, I resent the suggestion that Philistines are unsophisticated.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: The honorary Philistinian�Oh, forget it. �Santa Claus is coming to town!�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You may want to say that line again. I mean, someone might have missed it. You just haven�t said it enough.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That�s right. I mean, it�s only the title of the song.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I don�t know. I think it�s already repetitious.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We were being sarcastic, Junior.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh. Well, you could have said something, or waved a little flag or something.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: We shouldn�t have to. It should be obvious from our tone.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Honestly, Junior, sometimes you can be quite the Currier and Ives picture.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Now you�re not even trying to make sense.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, you know what they say, if at first you don�t succeed, stop trying to make sense.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I thought it made perfect sense. It�s an insult.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Not to Currier.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Actually, I�ve always heard that Ives was the real brains behind the whole Currier and Ives operation. Currier was just sort of a front man for Ives�s talent.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �He sees you when you're sleeping!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No, he already resigned.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Who resigned?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I�m resigned�to hearing the rest of the Christmas carol.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Ashcroft. You know, the whole �sees you when you�re sleeping� thing just screams Patriot Act.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Although if you look at the history of government surveillance, there was plenty of it before the Patriot Act.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Resigned. Did you get it? Resigned?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Yes, but the rapid expansion of government surveillance in the post-9/11 security--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You could have at least pretended to get it.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Frankly, Junior, and I don�t mean to hurt your feelings by this, our discussion was funnier than that joke.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You two really don�t like me at all, do you?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: And we�re ignoring them. �He knows when you're awake!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Thus proving that whole �flu shot� conspiracy theory is really a myth.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Sorry? Did I miss something?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I mean, I try to be nice.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, you know, how some people say that the flu shot is actually a way that the government has to spy on them.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, I once heard that about the Ebola virus.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Don�t be silly. There is no Ebola virus shot.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I try to get along with everyone.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, that�s not the virus�s fault. From what I hear, the virus actually came with a shot. It was removed by John Ashcroft because he thought it was indecent.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Okay, that�s enough Ashcroft references, thank you VERY much.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Excuse me for cutting in. �He��
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I try to be really, really tolerant.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Okay. You were talking about the Ebola virus shot.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Actually, I was talking about the flu shot.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Don�t be silly. Nobody got flu shots this year.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And it�s not like I complained about the whole �we want to make eighteen John Ashcroft references in one carol� thing.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Will you three let me get the line out? ��knows if you�ve��
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: The whole point is that nobody got flu shots this year. You see--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: But I guess it doesn�t matter how hard I try. No matter what, everybody just decides that they don�t like me. It really isn�t--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, Junior, if you�re worried about people liking you, you could stop interrupting us.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And stop whining.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And you could become your local Skokie Gherkin (TM) merchant. Because, as you know, there�s no gherkin quite like a Skokie gherkin.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Do we really need a product placement at this point in the carol? I mean, isn�t it long enough already?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, they are the proud sponsors of the Sassafras County, Missouri website. Check out their advertisement at http://www.geocities.com/djopler/gherkins.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: All right. Whatever. Junior, you could also keep up with the conversations.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh! And you could also learn to juggle. I hear juggling is a real icebreaker.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And--
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I wasn�t asking for suggestions!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Speaking of not interrupting--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: AS I was saying, if you don�t mind. See, if the government was using flu shots to spy on us--
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Oh, so it�s okay for YOU to interrupt?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Sorry? Is that news in some way? If the government was--
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: ��been bad or good!�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Keep it down, Voiceover. We�re trying to have a conversation here.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Seriously, why couldn�t I have been in radio? Or even a telephone answering-machine prompt. I bet I�d be great at that! �I�m sorry. He�s not hear right now. But if you want, you could leave your message after the tone.�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, that was really very good. I almost left a message.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Me, too. How do you get a job as a telephone answering-machine prompt?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: It�s a union thing. They�re represented by the International Longshoremen Association.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Really?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: In fact, they�re the only branch of the ILA in Nebraska.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: In any case, we were talking about flu shots.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I just wanted to mention that I didn�t interrupt once throughout that whole conversation.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Good job, Junior. Keep it up, now.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Right. Flu shots. See--
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �So be good for goodness sake!�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Hey! We were just about to get to the bottom of this whole flu shot mixup.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I�m inclined to doubt that.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Well, that just makes you the Grand High Inclined Doubter.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Junior, that was almost a joke.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And almost funny. But your delivery was off. Try again. Try something like, Well! That just makes you the Grand High Inclined Doubter, doesn�t it?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, sometimes it�s a tremendous pleasure watching another translator at work.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Why, thanks.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I mean, the nuances with which you infused the sentence. I think there was even a little subtext in there.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You know, I was going for a subtext.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, it worked beautifully.
SAM, THE SUB-TEXT: Hello!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, sure! I can�t get a word in edgewise, but you casually invite a Sub-Text to show up. That�s just not fair and you know it! I mean it! I�m going to file a complaint! I�m going to--
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Oh, just go away, will you?
SAM, THE SUB-TEXT: Goodbye!
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That was weird.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Very weird.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: What were we talking about before we developed a sub-text?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You know, I had a subtext living under my porch once, but the exterminator said that they couldn�t remove it�something about preserving the sanctity of the local ecosystem.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How on earth is that a Christmas story?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Well, it came in June, which is a funny coincidence, because--
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And then you wonder why we interrupt you! It�s because you don�t know how to tell a story.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: We could translate the Christmas carols. That might make them better.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Not if the Voiceover keeps babbling about the exterminator.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Right. Sorry about that. I just got distracted by the whole flu shot discussion.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That�s what we were talking about! The flu shot! You were going to explain about the flu shots!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Right. So--
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �Oh! You better watch out!�
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: You know, I think I�ll join the Voiceover. I mean, at least the Voiceover�s never actively mean to me.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That�s just because the Voiceover doesn�t know you as well as we do, Junior. Anyway, about the flu shots. You see, if they�ve got a list, they�ve got a way to keep track of us. And if they�ve got a way to keep track of us, then they�re getting their information from somewhere. And if they�re getting their information from somewhere, then they can�t be getting it from the flu shots, because nobody�s taking the flu shots. So the flu shots can�t be a way for the government to spy on us. See?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �You better not cry!�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Or else they just have more than one way of getting information about us. I mean, I hear there�s a theory surfacing about satellite televisions.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: And I heard one about cell phones!
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: You know, you three could at least pretend to listen to what I�m saying here. I mean, I go out of my way to provide the readers with some Christmas cheer, and this is the sort of treatment I get as a result?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Yes, exactly! Where�ve you been?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: More important, have you been to Scarborough Fair?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Or have you been to jail for justice?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Or both. There�s nothing wrong with going to Scarborough Fair and then going to jail for justice.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I don�t know. You might want to go to jail for justice first, and then stop by the fair on your way home.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Except if you go to jail for justice, it might be harder to get to the fair on time.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I�ve heard that, actually. Now, what I�m thinking is--
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEEP AND SINCEERE VOICEOVER: Now, listen. All three of you. I only have a few more lines to get through. And almost none of the audience is still reading this far into the carol. In fact, most of them pressed the delete key as soon as they read the subject line. You know who you are, readers. So I can go home as soon as I finish my Christmas carol. But I can�t do that if you three won�t be quiet for a minute. So why don�t you three just be quiet for a minute, and then I�ll go on with the Christmas carol, and we can all go home and start in on eggnog making.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That just sounds scary.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: I know just what you mean. I�ve never heard the Voiceover so worked up before.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: The holidays can be very stressful, I�ve heard.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No, I meant the egg nog. Doesn�t egg nog sound scary? I mean, what do they do�squeeze an egg until it turns into liquid?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Oh, just shut up. Please, just shut up. �You better not pout!�
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I can pout any time I want. See?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You�re very good at that.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Thanks. I�ve always thought I had a rather fetching pout.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Truer words have only sometimes been spoken.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Hey! Are you insulting my pout?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Who? Me?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Yes, you!
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Not me!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Then who?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: The Voiceover took the cookies from the cookie jar!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: What are you going on about now?
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: It�s a game. See, you ask me if I did something, and I say, �Who? Me?� and then you say, �Yes, you,� and I say, �Not me,� and then you say �Then who,� and then I say that someone else took the cookies from the cookie jar.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: It doesn�t sound like a very good game, I have to say.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: How do you win?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: And how do you keep track of who�s winning?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: And how come I�m the one you picked on? I mean, anyone could have taken them, but you just had to pick me. That�s really patently unfair.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Fine. We don�t have to play that game.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: I should say we don�t.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: �I'm telling you why��
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Why the red fern grows?
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Or maybe it�s why the caged bird sings.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Do caged birds sing more than regular birds, though?
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: If anyone says the word �partridge� there will be dire, dire consequences. No more partridge discussions, do you understand? NO ONE BRINGS UP PARTRIDGES!
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: No one did bring up partridges, I�d just like to point out.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And, oh yeah, �Santa Claus is coming to town!�
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Well, he can�t stay with me. I hear he hogs all the hot water.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: That�s just like houseguests. Very selfish, selfish folk.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Except for partridges. They tend to be very considerate houseguests, partridges.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Junior, you�re not funny. Not even a little funny.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Excuse me, the carol is over.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: But we�re not ready for it to be over.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: In fact, we�re just getting started, really.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: We just got to bring up partridges.
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: Well, the carol�s still over. Go home. And, have a merry Christmas.
SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: Weren�t you supposed to add something about �to all a good night� as well?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I don�t think so.
NOT-SO-SIMULTANEOUS TRANSLATOR: You sure?
DEEP AND SINCERE VOICEOVER: I really think someone would have mentioned it.
JUNIOR TRANSLATOR: Oh, okay then.
�or, if you still like the short version, merry Christmas, everybody! And a happy New Year!
in the world to return to the home page.