16 Dec 2003

For so many years I have practiced restraint,
patience became more of a habit than a virtue,
persistence drained me often,
yet I refused to let go.
 

May be I held on too long,
long enough to lose faith,
and when I finally let go,
It was long after losing control,
losing faith in patience and persistence.

After so many years,
I feel the urge again,
to yearn and dare,
to hold faith and hope,
but I cannot seem to hold on,
I cannot seem to be my old self.

As moments pass by,
I find it harder to fight despair.
I know I should wait,
I know I should be patient,
but my heart refuses to do so.
 

Every minute I struggle to strike a balance,
between the idealist and the cynic,
that characterize my being.

My ambivalence is an intrinsic blend
of my being and experiences.
How can I keep myself from dreaming again,
and yet how can I try to hold on?
When the only lesson I ever learnt,
was to let go,
let go when it gets too hard,
let go when you cannot hold on anymore.

I struggle between what could be
and what should be,
and I cannot seem to choose.
I cannot seem to decide
whether to worship a cloud that will fade away
or watch the horizon
till everything settles down.

I wish I could believe again,
believe the way I used to,
in myself and what I yearn.
I wish I could be naive again,
devoid of all fears,
free from despair.
An idealist,
a blind follower of her dreams,
a passion driven transgressor.