Rating: CF
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: Not mine...never will be, but I wish I owned DJE. The song "View from Heaven" belongs to Yellowcard.
Summary: Harriet has an accident. Character death.
Notes: Sorry...I won't ever write something like this! I promise!!
Sorry for any mistakes.
Archive: Just ask, please.
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
Harm's holding me in his arms, encircling me and trying to assure me that everything will be alright. Though he knows it won't be. He can feel it. And so can I. There are just some things people can't escape unscathed from. And I think this is one of those things.
Bud is sitting down with his face in his hands. I have never seen him so lost and alone. We are all here for him, but we might as well not be. He won't talk to anyone of us. Not that I blame him.
When we got the call at home that Harriet had been in a car accident, we couldn't believe it. But most of all, we were crushed and praying that she was ok. Bud's voice was weak and it lacked the courage and optimism it once possessed. He told us that a pick-up truck had driven into her lane and had rammed into her. The driver had been intoxicated. And like in every other case, he got out of it with a couple of broken ribs. Life was just not fair sometimes.
I feel Harm's arms tighten around me as I keep my face buried in his neck.
"Doctor, how's my wife?" Bud springs up from his seat as the rest of us turn to face the doctor that approached us.
"Commander Roberts, I'm sorry." Bud slumps and it looks like he might fall to the floor. I knew it. She's gone. Our Harriet is gone. I turn to Harm again as I hold onto him with a powerful grip. I can't help but let the tears take over. "We tried everything we could. But she was too far gone when we got her. I'm really sorry." No! My mind yells as I hold onto my husband. Harm tightens his hold again, but this time buries his face in my hair as we cry together. All of us.
The doctor walks away and this time Bud does fall to the floor. On all fours he cries out in pain and curses life for this horrible twist of fate. "No! How? Harriet!" The General tries to lift him up and give him all of his support. But Bud won't budge. "Not Harriet, sir! Not Harriet!"
I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life
We're all in shock, in pain, we feel numb and angry. And I know it's not morally correct to hate someone, but at this point I think we all do. We hate the guy who rammed into her, we hate the crew that wasn't fast enough to save her, we hate without logic, though we believe it is reasonable.
As soon as I can gather myself enough to bring my head up from Harm's chest, I turn to Bud. He's still on the floor with the General holding him in his arms, almost like a father would his son to comfort him.
I'm still crying, I can feel the tears sliding down without my consent. But I break free from my lifeline. Gosh, what would I do if I lost Harm? I don't even want to think about it, so I don't. I just make my way over to Bud and get on my knees next to him. I wrap one arm around him and the General and place my head on his shoulder as I continue to cry with him and share his pain. Deep within me, I'm hoping that this way the pain will lessen and be less of a burden for him. I can't do much else, or say anything except a whispered "Bud".
"Why Harriet ma'am? She didn't deserve this." I can barely make it out through his sobs, but it's there. I know what he's saying. Because I'm thinking it. As the rest of us here are.
Late night drives
All alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone
I can't answer him. Could anybody, really?
Soon I feel Harm next to me on the floor. One arm draped over me holding me close. My free arm goes around his waist. His other arm pulls Bud and the General closer. Protocol? What protocol? We are all friends, no...family. And Bud needs our support. Needless to say that a few moments later we find Sturgis and Jen have joined us. We are all completely enveloping Bud right now. Showing him that we are here. For him, for AJ, for James, and for the twins. Harriet would want us to be here for him. And that's the least that we can do for her.
And then it sinks in. Harriet, the mother of their children, was gone. How would Bud cope with that? He was left to care for four children all on his own. He probably could manage. He was a strong man. But not yet. He was going to mourn, pull away from his friends for a little while, and even stop thinking about himself. Would he forget he has kids? Would he take care of them? Oh gosh! What kind of sick cruel world was this, to leave a man like Bud without his wife? Oh god I hope you're looking down on him Harriet. Please take care of him. I promise Harm and I will try.
And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make through one more year
Down here
We continue to cry. We're all in our own worlds. Wondering why things happen the way they do. Everyone always says that things happen for a reason. But I cannot for the sake of me figure out why this would happen. I don't know why He would want Harriet with him so soon. I don't know why she's gone after making it through so much. Baby Sarah, Bud's accident, now this. Weren't they aloud to have some happiness?
I'm sure the first thing someone would tell me is that she's in a better place now. And deep down in my heart I believe that. But I just can't figure out why my friend has been taken away from me. From Bud! From all of us. It isn't fair.
I'm so numb and walking on autopilot that I don't even notice that we all went our separate ways. The General drove Bud home. Sturgis went his way, Coats drove to her place, and Harm and I are in my car making our way home. We had offered Bud to go with him to his place to help out with the kids and keep him company. But he declined. I remember him saying something about some time on his own with the kids. I just hope he knows we're here for him.
My mind wanders to a vision of Harriet and me at her wedding. I'm helping her stay calm and she's a nervous wreck. It was one of the most memorable days we shared. Then as quickly as that one came, it was replaced with one of her at my wedding trying to reassure me that Harm would not fly away on his tomcat to get out of marrying me. I smile to myself. Harriet. What was I going to do without my dear friend? She was the only woman whom I could tell my troubles to and share my happiness with. Why Harriet? I begin to cry again.
I feel your fire when it's cold in my heart
And things sort of start
Reminding me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too
I close my eyes and remember the last time we saw her. So full of life and joy. Just yesterday we were at their house having dinner. Watching Harriet and the kids was amazing. It reminded me of everything I wanted. I had the man, but we both wanted a bigger family. And we will, I hope.
Harm reaches over to grasp my hand as he notices my tears. I know he's trying to be strong for me. He doesn't want to fail being there for me. But I know he's crying deep inside. And soon he would start to let the tears fall, for his eyes gleam with unshed tears.
"Harm why Harriet? She didn't deserve to be taken away so soon. Taken away from her life, from her family, from her friends." I sob.
"I don't know, honey. I don't know." Tears slide down his cheek. He pulls over to the side to clear his vision and to turn to face me. "I love you." He pulls me close to him and I hold fiercely onto him.
And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here
You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye
A Couple of Days Later
Local Cemetery
I'm standing here as I look around. Her family, her friends, everyone who ever cared about her is here. Crying and sharing the pain of losing such a wonderful friend. The Chaplain is saying something, but I can't quiet listen to him. I hear him, but I can't listen. I'm still dumbfounded, I think we all are. We're still shocked at what sorrow life could bring. How cruel it could get some times.
"And her soul resides in heaven." I hear the Chaplain say.
I hope so. And I hope she's looking down at us.
I hope that all is well in heaven
'Cause it's all shot to hell down here
I hope that I find you in heaven
'Cause I'm so lost without you down here
We stay rooted to the ground even after everyone has left. It's just the JAG family that remains. We gaze at the earth beneath us. The same earth that Harriet is now a part of. It's still incomprehensible how something like this could happen to her. How this kind of tragedy would strike us so close.
I turn to Harm and smile a watery smile. Trying to convince him and myself that everything will be ok. We walk over to her resting spot, where the coffin lies six feet underground and uncovered. I turn to Bud who is already there holding a fistful of dirt. He releases it and it falls to her coffin. Harm and I each let go of a white rose that we were holding. Releasing with them all the love and happiness she had given us. She deserves to take something with her.
I let go of Harm's hand to embrace Bud. "It'll be ok, Bud. I know it will."
"Thanks, ma'am." He nods with tears in his eyes.
Harm reassures him as well before we walk away hand in hand.
I look up to the grey sky. It's as if it knows this day is a sad one. Because it looks like it will start crying soon. Hopefully the rain will help wash away the pain that we feel right now. At least that's what I am praying it will do.
It strikes me now as I walk side by side with my husband that I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. It came so suddenly that we didn't even get to tell her. My heart breaks a little more.
I once again stare up at the sky as does Harm. I hope she can hear me saying goodbye.
You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye
The End