| Past jokes of the week |
| Week 8th March Sent in by Me ----------------------------- This guy walks up to a bouncer with a women on his back. The bouncer says "Who are you?" The guy goes, "im a tortoise" The bouncer then goes, "Who's that on your back then?" The guy explains, "Oh, thats michelle" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 25th March Sent in by Anonymous ---------------------------- What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma? Grandpa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 11th March Sent in by Luke Stocks ---------------------------- Ya mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 4th March Sent in by Me --------------------------- A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 18th February Sent in by Nat ---------------------------- This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!" The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck... who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 11th February Sent in by Me ---------------------------- What do you call a guy with 10 glasses? Seamore!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 26th January Sent in by Andy Cooper ----------------------------- Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Week 19th January Sent in by Steve Douglas ------------------------------- A frenchman said to the waiter "I asked for 2 pieces of toast, not 1" The waiter replied and said "Im sorry sir but you asked for one" The frenchman angrily replied and said "I WANT 2 PIECE ON THE TABLE" The waiter looked funny at the angry frenchman and said "No sir, the toilet is used to piss in, not the table"! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 9th January Sent in by Ruth a.k.a MissBlondy182 -------------------------------- A Blonde and a Brunette was about to jump off a cliff! Who would die first? The Brunette because the Blonde asked for directions! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Week 19th December Sent in by Becky Robinson ----------------------------- Mr and Mrs Blobby are lying in bed one night. Mrs Blobby turns to Mr Blobby and says "blubba lubba lup blub". Mr Blobby turns and says "shut the fuck up and swallow bitch"! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 12th December Sent in by Anonymous ----------------------------- Yo' mama is so fat, when she joined the army and the soldier said head for the trenches, they all jumped in her butt crack! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week 5th December Sent in by Tim Kennedy ------------------------------- A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week: 25th November Sent in by Craig Chuck ------------------------------- This man and a woman were having sex, and the man always demanded the light off. One night the woman fliked the light on and the man was fuking her with a dildo! The woman says "do u care to explain??2 The man said "yes if u can explain our 2 kids" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week: 18th November 2002 Sent in by me ----------------------------------- Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted. Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!" Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Week: 11th November 2002 Sent in by Bex Rope ------------------------------------ What the difference between Grimsby Town and a teabag?? A teabag stays in the cup longer!! |