HOROSCOPES FOR SUMMER

(I THINK!)

 with  DJ TASTY WATER

ARIES:  THIS IS AN ACTIVE PERIOD - UNLESS YOU'RE AN IDLE BASTARD. THERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO MUCH HAPPENING BUT YOU'RE A BIT THICK AND DON'T REALISE YOU OUGHT TO BE DOING SOMETHING. YOU MAY BE TEMPTED TO RUN YOURSELF RAGGED TRYING TO DO IT ALL YOURSELF. BUT I DOUBT IT.

TAURUS:  BULLSHIT!! THAT'S WHAT YOU TALK. BEAR IN MIND THAT YOU ARE THE BEST ONE TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT IT AND HOW YOU WILL GO ABOUT GETTING IT. AT LEAST, YOU THINK YOU ARE THE BEST. I DON'T. I THINK YOU ARE A BULLSHITTER. YOU LIE TO YOURSELF TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER. SHALLOW TWAT.

GEMINI:  IT WOULD BE WISE TO SPEND SOME TIME LISTENING RATHER THAN BLABBING ON, ENJOYING THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN VOICE, YOU GOBBY SOD. SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT IT. WE DON'T CARE.

CANCER:  THE DISEASED STARSIGN COUGHS IT'S RIDDEN LUNGS UP AND WHATS THIS? AN OLD MAP? X MARKS THE SPOT? ERM...NO. THAT'S WHERE A DOZY SPIDER GOT SQUASHED. ALL YOUR DREAMS OF FINDING A FORTUNE OF STOLEN TREASURE ARE LAID TO WASTE IN ONE DEAD ARACHNID INSTANT. SHAME REALLY.

LEO:  TO AVOID GOING BACKWARDS YOU MUST BE DETERMINED AND CLEAR. SHOW OTHERS THAT YOU ARE FIRMLY TAKING THE LEAD IN YOUR FUTURE. SMACK THEM IN THE MOUTH AND INFORM THEM THAT YOU ARE GOING TO SEE DEF LEPPARD AT SHEFFIELD CITY HALL.

VIRGO:  WITH YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE ON A HIGH, YOU ARE READY TO SING THE SONG OF YOUR FUTURE. IT SOUNDS LIKE AN ENGLAND FOOTBALL SQUAD WORLD CUP SONG. BASICALLY YOUR CONFIDENCE IS FOR NOTHING 'COS WHEN YOU START THIS SINGING LARK, YOU'LL BE FUCKED.

LIBRA:  YOU ARE STILL LOOKING TO THE PAST THAN TO THE FUTURE BUT IT SEEMS THAT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE URGING YOU TO MOVE AHEAD AT MORE OF A PACE. JUST REMEMBER TO TIE YOUR SHOELACES FIRST, OR YOU WILL TRIP AND DIE. WHERE'S YOUR FUTURE THEN? ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT OUTSIDE LITTLEWOODS FOR ETERNITY. THAT'S WHERE.

SCORPIO:  JUDGMENT MAY BE IMPAIRED THIS WEEK AND IT WOULD BE ADVISABLE TO GET SECOND AND EVEN THIRD OPINIONS. IN FACT, FUCK IT. TAKE NO-ONES WORD FOR IT. YOU DECIDE. YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT ANYWAY. WHY WASTE EVERYONES TIME BOOSTING YOUR OWN EGO THROUGH CORRECT ASSUMPTION AND CONFIRMATION? NO...YOU'RE NOT CONCEITED AT ALL. JUST, WELL.....A CUNT!!

SAGITTARIUS:  THAT'S ME!!  BE PREPARED TO BE FORTHRIGHT WHEN IT COMES TO A CERTAIN SITUATION. THIS INVOLVES SOMEONE TRYING TO GET YOU TO MAKE A DECISION YOU ARE EITHER NOT SURE OF OR VERY MUCH AGAINST. SUCH AS AGREEING TO GO TO MUMS FOR SUNDAY LUNCH. SHE KNOWS YOU HATE LUMPY MASH BUT YOU STILL GET IT. THE DOGS STINK OF PISS AND OLD BACON. THE CHAIR YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SIT AT IS CRAP AND LOP SIDED. DINNER AT AN ANGLE IS GAY. AND WHAT ARE THOSE LUMPS IN THE GRAVY? MUM...THERE'S BLOODY LUMPS IN EVERYTHING. I WANT SMOOTH LUNCHES FROM NOW OR I WILL DIE. AND SO WILL YOU.

CAPRICORN:  IF YOU ARE BEING PUSHED INTO A CORNER THERE IS NO NEED TO RESPOND WITH AGGRESSION, BUT A SMOOTH AND FAST MOVE IS REQUIRED. YEAH....SHIT DIARRHEA AT 'EM.

AQUARIUS:  YOU ARE EXPECTING EVERYTHING TO GO YOUR OWN WAY, WHICH MAY NOT BE ENTIRELY OUT OF THE QUESTION, SEEING AS HOW YOU LIVE ALONE AND DON'T WORK. HOW MANY RUM TRUFFLES DID YOU BUY FROM SUPERSAVER? 5? THEN YOU BURST INTO TEARS COS YOU ONLY HAD 30 PENCE AND IT CAME TO 32 PENCE SO THE LADY TOOK A TRUFFLE FROM YOUR BAG AND GAVE YOU A COCONUT MUSHROOM INSTEAD. SICKENING.

PISCES:  AS FAR AS YOUR WORK OR BUSINESS LIFE IS CONCERNED, THOSE IN AUTHORITY OVER YOU MAY SEEK TO SEE THINGS DONE THEIR WAY. NO SURPRISE REALLY CONSIDERING YOU WORK AT MICKEY D'S AND YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO MAKE YOUR OWN SPECIAL SAUCE WITH BLACKCURRANT JAM, A PINK BISCUIT AND SOME ICE MAGIC.