Where You Want To Be by Karen H Later that night as we met Dawson for diner, I couldn’t help but marvel at how he’d changed in the little time since I’d last seen him. His hair was longer, not short as spiky as it had been before. His skin looked a little darker and he appeared to be more muscular than before, that I could tell just from hugging him.
All throughout dinner I couldn’t help but watch him, each little move and gesture. Suddenly realizing how much I had missed seeing him on a regular basis. And to think there had been a time when I thought I couldn’t live without him…and a time when I tried to.
I had been doing it for years and I’d somehow survived it. But I know deep down my life hadn’t been made the better for it.
He’d been such an integral part of my life, he always had been and maybe that was why I had never been able to shut him out completely.
Even when I tried.
As we were having desert Audrey got a call from Eric.
“I hate to bail out on you two.” She said drinking the rest of her water. “But duty calls.”
“What’s going on?” Dawson asked concerned.
“That was Eric.” She informed us while putting on her jacket. “Apparently he’s been involved in some fight in a nightclub and is at the hospital.”
“Oh my gosh, is he alright?” I asked concerned.
“Oh he’ll be fine, he always is.” She replied. “I’m sorry it interrupted dinner Joey, but I have to run before he is taken to the police station.”
“That’s alright, it sounds serious.”
“I’ll have to assess that when I get there and this should cover my half of the bill.” She said as she threw some money on the table and leaned down to hug me.
“Your half?” I asked, “We’re splitting it three ways.”
“No we’re not, it’s your birthday and it’s not up for discussion.” Audrey replied sternly. “Here’s the spare key, you know the code and I’ll be home as soon as possible. I’ll see you Dawson.” She called as she breezes away from us.
“When was that decided?”
“When you were in the bathroom. It’s your birthday and we were not going to let you pay for your birthday meal.”
I glared at him and opened my mouth to speak.
“You know Audrey will kill you if you fight it.” He laughed and I conceded.
She’ll never shut up about it for the rest of the time I know her. It makes me wonder if she’s already told Dawson everything. And before I know it my mind is racing.
How frequently do they get to meet up? Does she know Dawson better than I do? Does Dawson know her better than I? How close have they become?
I managed to shake it off.
“How often does Audrey get a call like this?” Curiosity appeared to be getting the better of me.
He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure. It depends on the clients and the situations. This could be pretty big and Audrey needs to work fast to put a spin on whatever has happened. If it’s bad she’ll have to work some magic so Eric doesn’t look like a bad guy.”
I nodded. “And what if it’s good?”
“She’ll still have to work her magic because some ass will try and make it into something it’s not.”
Inquisitively I asked, “Are you talking from experience?”
He chuckled but doesn’t say anything and the sound alone sends a shiver down my spine.
“Well?”
“Have you ever heard anything negative about me?”
Thinking about it for a moment I replied, “Come to think of it, no I haven’t but is that because you have a good publicist or because there’s been nothing to spin?”
“Now that would be telling!” He laughed before finishing his drink.
“Did you ever consider hiring Audrey as your publicist?”
“Granted she’s really good at her job, but I fear her talents would have been wasted.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
Once Audrey was gone there’s some more small talk, how Gale and Lily were doing because although I live relatively close to them I hadn’t seen them in over a month. Dawson informed me that he ‘talks’ to Lily everyday, either by phone, instant messenger or e-mail.
“It’s hard to believe how vast her vocabulary is and she’s only eight!” He beamed and it hit me how much I missed seeing how he interacted with others. How Lily could wrap him around her little finger and how he’d drop everything for his mother.
He inquired about Bessie and Bodie as he hadn’t seen them in over four months and said he probably heard more about Alex than anyone else outside his family, thanks to Lily.
Soon the topic of conversation wasn’t so light, when he finally asked me how work was.
When I had initially told Dawson about the change, he’d been nothing short of surprised. Even though I was telling him about it over the phone I could hear the slight change in his tone. I guess he’d never though the day would come that I would move from the big city back home or that close to it.
As soon as he’d asked the question I’d been dreading, I knew I couldn’t tell him everything was okay. For years I’d been unable to lie to him, I couldn’t very well start now. And I found there was no point trying to play it down; Dawson knew what this would do to me.
Yet again, another life altering moment, where would this one take me?
When I finally told him he sat in stunned silence, making a few attempts to say something but no words came out for a while.
“I don’t know what to say aside from that sucks.” He began as he reached for my hand over the table. “I won’t even bother asking how you are about this.”
How well he knows me. Any reply would either be sarcastic or a lie.
“You don’t have to say anything.” I told him. “It happened and now I somehow have to pick myself back up, find a new job, and not let it get me down.”
“How’s that panning out so far?”
“Not all that great.” I replied honestly. “It took me all my time to make the decision to leave New York, the life I’d built for me there. I loved that job but somehow I managed to tell myself leaving was for the best and everything would work out. Newsflash, it hasn’t and now I don’t know what to do exactly.”
Dawson doesn’t say anything, doesn’t try to rush me, letting me tell it the way I want. What I want.
“I was inconsolable but now I know I have to try and get over it, dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself won’t get me anywhere.” I manage with a weak smile. “I even called Reece in New York to see if there were any openings.” Something I failed to tell Pacey. “There weren’t any, I even told her I’d take something at a lower position. She couldn’t help me but would keep me in mind if anything came up.”
“And now you are here?”
“Yeah, needed to see some friendly faces, get a change of scenery, take my mind off of it…gain some perspective.”
“How’s that working out for you so far?”
“It’s going well.” I reply with a grin.
After that we took care of the bill, or rather Dawson did and he drove me home, pointing out some sites as we drove, pointing out where some stars lived.
Glancing at him curiously I couldn’t resist asking, “Have you done the ‘Hollywood Stars’ tour then? Is that how you got this information?”
“Not all of it!” He replied and I could see the hint of a blush. As ever still the quiet film geek that could be star struck meeting anyone who’d had their name show up on film or TV credits.
As we entered the apartment, I took Dawson’s jacket and asked if he would like anything to drink as I disposed to the jackets and he headed towards the living room which was separated from the kitchen by a breakfast bar.
“Sure, what do you have?” He asked.
“I’ll let you know when I find out.” I quipped opening the fridge door before laughing. “Okay, your options are sparkling mineral water, Audrey’s special blend of fruit juice and geez, I think Audrey’s trying to make her own cheese.”
“I take it grocery shopping isn’t high on Audrey’s list of priorities.”
“Neither is cleaning the fridge, I’m surprised there’s nothing growing in there!” I informed him as I disposed of the contents of the milk carton, before joining him on the sofa with glasses, the water and some juice. I joked, “I’d get better service in a hotel.”
“You should complain to Audrey!” Dawson joked in return, “Maybe it’d help her improve service here at ‘Casa Audrey’.”
“I guess she must always be busy or maybe she just rarely eats anything here, anything that she’s cooked herself.” I finish as Dawson hands me a wrapped package. “Where did this come from?” I ask curiously, I never saw him carrying anything earlier.
Shrugging his shoulders lightly he whispered. “It appeared as if by magic.”
“What is it?” Okay, it’s a really stupid question, I know he’s not gonna tell me but I know it can’t be a birthday present.
“Why don’t you open it and see.”
“I thought you told me earlier that you had already mailed my gift.”
“I did.”
“Then what’s-“
He cuts me off. “I couldn’t see you on your birthday and not give you something.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
“I know; it’s just a little something.”
I begin to open the gift and he continues, “If I’d have known you were going to be here I wouldn’t have sent the gift.”
“Well.” I begin stopping to look up at his face. “That would have ruined my surprise then, wouldn’t it?”
He rolled his eyes at me and smiled. “Well it’s your birthday; I’m supposed to surprise you!”
Wistfully I reply, “You always had a way of doing that.” Recalling so many times he’s done something to surprise me, not always on my birthday.
Yet I can clearly remember pretty much everything that happened the last time he really surprised me on my birthday. In the beginning thinking I may not even see him until he showed up late the night before, then him spending the night and sex ensued. Pretty much the rest of that birthday was magical…until it was almost over.
Remembering where I am, my eyes waver from him to his hands for some reason and then back to his eyes. I wonder-, no just not going to go there. He’s not remembering the same as me, no way.
He starts to pour the juice into the glasses and jokes, “Now I know it isn’t exactly champagne but it’ll do.”
And all at once I know he was thinking about the same thing too.
Does he often think about that night and the aftermath? Wishing he could change the fact it ever happened.
Pulling myself out of whatever this is I finish unwrapping the parcel and feel a wave of love towards Dawson; my gift is some sketch pads and charcoal. Something so simple yet touching.
“I know it’s not much.” He begins and I cut him off.
“It’s perfect.” I can’t help but beam at him.
“I know last time we talked you mentioned you hadn’t sketched in a while, nothing seemed to be inspiring you and I thought maybe you’d somehow find it again and well…”
Genuinely touched knowing that he’s still the one who knows me best, I smile, “Thank you Dawson.” Place the stuff on the table and hug him.
“You’re welcome Jo.” He says once I’m wrapped in his embrace.
The truth is my creativity has been stifled for months, since not long after Jen’s death. I tried many different things to get me in the mood, but nothing ever seemed to work. More than anything I’d like to sketch something for Amy, of Jen but when it doesn’t come to you there’s nothing much can be done.
Maybe my muse will come back again.
“Hmmm?”
“Bunny, are you ok?” She asks me concerned and I think I can hear someone laugh in the background after yelling ‘Audrey, come back to bed’.
“I was calling to check you were okay.” I can’t help but laugh. “But it sounds like maybe you were a little busy.”
“Just a little.”
“I take it everything is okay for Eric?”
“Yeah.”
“And you two?”
“So far, yes.” She whispers as though he’s listening in on the call or maybe she’s scared to say it loud in case it doesn’t play out like that.
“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Later Bunny!” She finishes and we end the call.
Switching off the lamp I smile knowing she’s happy. She deserves it.
Suddenly feeling tired, I quickly set the alarm for tomorrow because Dawson is picking me up early before I close my eyes. Wondering if there will be any dreams tonight and if so, what will they be of.
any comments? like? dislike? got a fave part or line? I wanna know. feedback can be sent to Karen
Part 3 - where you want to be
Do you remember
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember
Sentiment cuts like a knife
Life's rearranging
Full of could have done’s
Would a have been’s
It's all your fault
And where've you been
And how times goes
And though I don't even know
How to fill in the spaces
Of the love you've erased in my life
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left?
When you should have turned right?
Did you sell off all of your gold?
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love?
Or settle for somebody to hold?
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you.
No evidence of romance
I think I remember
Sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me
That we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind.
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left?
When you should have turned right
Did you sell off all of your gold?
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love?
Or settle for somebody to hold.
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Our battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?
Breaking the hug we sat looking at one another for a moment and I wonder if he feels that old connection still there? Maybe we really will always have that and no matter where we both end up, what we do, it’ll still transcend all else.
Who knows what could have been if we’d taken a different path, or if in that one moment we’d moved closer, kissed because for a fleeting moment it seemed like the natural thing to do.
But we didn’t, perhaps Dawson sensed where this could lead and that’s why he reached for the glasses on the table, saying something.
“I said I was going to propose a toast.”
“Oh – okay.” I said as I took the glass from him.
“To my best friend on her twenty-fifth birthday, may each year get better and better. Happy birthday Jo.”
We clinked glasses and drank the juice and after that small talk resumed and he asked me if I would like to spend the day with him at work, on the set, meet the cast etc.
How could I refuse the chance to see him in his element, doing what he loved, especially when he told me he would be back behind the camera.
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left?
When I should have turned right
By the time he had to leave Audrey still hadn’t returned yet and for a while I just sat watching a ‘Friends’ rerun in bed, trying not to over think the events of the day. From the realization that Dawson was the mystery guy in my dream to how I was feeling around him as the day progressed. Was anything I felt just as a result of the dream or would it still have been the same anyway?
How different would everything be now if I had made just one different choice in my life? Then again, any change would be dependant on what was different. And maybe things would have been better but maybe I would be worse off.
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for love?
Or settle for somebody to hold.
As for that hug from Dawson when he gave me such a simple gift…
It was that all too familiar feeling I’d had many times when we’ve embraced over the years yet tried to ignore, feeling a charge, like a bolt of lightening across a calm sky. Yet at the same time it seemed different, as though everything we’d ever done or thought could have just been for the purpose of bringing us to that one moment.
I'd settle for somebody to hold now
And who knows where it could have led too if we’d let it linger for a few moments longer.
Turning the TV off with the remote I close my eyes knowing full well that if I had to relive it all again, I probably wouldn’t change a single thing. Who knows what the consequences would be of doing that? Hindsight is good once you know where you’ve been and what you’ve done but there’s no surefire way to know that if one thing happened differently then life would be a bed of roses.
Been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again
*Darren Hayes – Where you want to be*
Life doesn’t work that way.
Unless you are really lucky and who knows, relationships could be the worse off for it.
I know I can always think about how different everything can be, maybe sometimes even wish for it but sometimes it’s nice just to have that, the far distant dream of perfection. At least then you know that there’s no possibility of not being happy with a perfect life.
Glancing at my cell I notice I’ve missed a call, it’s from Pacey. Factoring in the time difference I think it’s too late to return the call, who knows if he’ll still be awake but I don’t really feel like talking to him just now so instead I call the ‘Icehouse’.
And sure enough I get the machine.
“Hey Pace, I just wanted to return your call and didn’t want to risk waking you up. I had a pretty good day.” I begin into the phone before pausing for a moment. “Hope everything’s okay at home. I’ll try and call tomorrow.” Again another pause before finishing, “Bye.”
Ending the call I glance at the clock on the nightstand, it’s almost midnight. I wonder if Audrey is okay or maybe this is the norm for her when she’s called to a client’s aid. Using speed dial I have her on her cell in no time.