Where You Want To Be
Part 2 - Stop Living The Lie

Later didn’t quite get here soon enough though and things just happened that meant I couldn’t tell Audrey what I had wanted to tell her; about the dream and about everything that had been going on lately with Pacey.

I didn’t like to even think it, but I’d been pretty miserable ever since I’d left New York. Initially I had been able to put it down to being sad about leaving MY city and then in time I got caught up in my own life and didn’t really think about it.

But being somewhere different, seeing different people, it somehow makes you think about it more. And that’s what happened.

I was all ready to tell Audrey about everything, we talked on the phone all the time but I’d somehow never had it in me to tell her how I felt. Pacey was her friend too and it seemed unfair to burden her, to even say anything because it’d be like I was bitching about one of her friends.

The day after I had arrived in LA, the day of my birthday we’d agreed to have breakfast together and then Audrey was going to stop by work for about an hour and we’d meet up to go for lunch with Dawson.

For ten minutes I’d sat nursing a glass of Audrey’s special blend of fruit juice when I’d noticed how she was looking at me quizzically.

“What?” I asked her after realizing she wasn’t going to look away.

“Is there something wrong with your juice?” She asked gesturing towards the almost full glass.

I just shook my head in response.

“Then what’s wrong? You don’t look happy on your birthday and you should.”

“It’s nothing really, I…”

“Come on out with it.” Audrey demanded. “You’re making me feel depressed.”

Sighing deeply I began. “Being here has sort of made me re-evaluate everything, ya know?”

“You haven’t really been here that long Bunny.”

“I know, I guess…I don’t know I just had a lot of time to think on the plane.”

Audrey was fully aware of my sordid romantic history and she had been aware of my move from New York closer to home but she’d never really offered an opinion on it before and only in that moment did I realize that.

“Just thinking?”

“Thinking, re-evaluating, is there any difference?”

“Those usually give way to wishing and hoping.”

I just nodded in agreement, wanting to tell her everything yet at the same time I was scared someone would think I had been silly.

“Do I have to beat whatever is bothering you out of you, cuz believe me Joey, birthday or no birthday I will.”

Taking a sip of the juice I stalled for time a little, trying to get the right wording.

“Lately I’ve started to wonder if it was a mistake leaving New York.” I blurted out, cringing inside because I really had wanted to think of some other way to say it that didn’t have the word ‘regret’ plastered all over it. Too late now, in cases were foot ends up in mouth it’s good to try and back track. “Not that I regret leaving but I was so happy there, I loved my life and my job…”

“And now you don’t?”

“Life kinda sucks right now.” Resignation heavy in my voice as I continued. “I’m twenty-five, unemployed and living in the last place I expected to be living.”

“Why didn’t you say anything about it before?”

Shrugging I answered, “Didn’t want to burden you with my moans.”

“You shouldn’t think that questioning something you’ve done is a burden, not when it comes to friends.”

And no sooner had she said that than the words started to flow freely.

I told her all about how things were with Pacey in those first few months, how life had been great and then he’d gotten restless. Audrey found out about my initial fears of moving and then how everything seemed to have worked out for a while.

“Until you found out the company had gone down the drain?”

Nodding my head I took another quick drink of juice. “Somehow it was like a nightmare come true. I had been scared things wouldn’t work out, something was going to go wrong…”

“And it did. It’s natural to be scared.” Audrey assured me as my cell phone began to ring incessantly.

Groaning internally I answered the call. “Hey Pacey.”

“Hey Joey.” He began as Audrey moved away from the table and left the room. “I just wanted to apologize for earlier, the comment about well…you know.”

I guess the insinuation about Audrey and I, he wasn’t really specific. I assured him that it wasn’t a problem but he somehow managed to drag out the apology for 10 minutes, by which point Audrey had waved me goodbye, told me we’d finish talking later and she’d meet me later. Somehow this annoyed me somewhat because I was finally opening up and Pacey had interrupted the conversation, so I may have seemed somewhat snappish on the rest of the call. If I was he didn’t comment.

The rest of the morning was spent lounging about Audrey’s apartment and pampering myself using her expensive spa products.

Feeling refreshed I was five minute early to meet Audrey at our pre-determined meeting point, so instead of hanging around outside I entered a small store selling souvenirs, from fine fragrance to LA t-shirts.

As I skimmed the shelves not quite looking at anything while my mind drifted to Dawson. Would he be surprised to see me? Surprised I wasn’t spending my birthday with Pacey, especially as it would be my first while we were a couple again.

“Store security ma’am.” Someone said behind me and I’d know that fake Texas accent anywhere.

“Hey Audrey.” I said not bothering to turn around.

“Damn, how’d you guess?”

“It’s your favorite fake voice.” I replied glancing at her as she stood beside me.

“You look good by the way.” She told me and I thanked her for the compliment. “I take it you had a great day?” I nodded my head and she smiled. “Why are we in here?”

“I just came in to pass time waiting for you, that’s why I am in here.”

“Do you see anything you want?” She asks and I shake my head as she thrusts something into my hand. “Hey, don’t you have one of these?”

Forgetting where I am, I appear to drift away in a daze to another time as I examine the Hollywood snow globe, seemingly mesmerized by the glitter that floats around.

His hand moves a strand of hair from her eyes as his pelvis crashes into hers. One of her hands gently stokes his back while she digs her heels into the soft mattress. She waits for the sensory overload to become almost unbearable, wishes for it to come quickly yet at the same time hoping it doesn’t come too soon. Her eyes waver from his for a moment, focusing in on the globe on the nightstand, a gift from him.

Moving her eyes back to his there’s silence but for their breathing. Lips meet in a frantic kiss, their breathing faster and…

“Joey? This is planet Earth calling Joey.”

“Huh.” I say as she touches my arm.

“You were a million miles away just there.” Audrey says looking slightly worried. “Is something wrong?”

“No.” I shake my head.

“Are you sure?” She asks worried.

“Yeah. Shouldn’t we be going?” I ask her trying to change the subject.

Not quite ready to talk to her about all of this, this seemingly new revelation. I was prepared to talk to her about how I felt about life with Pacey, I had already begun. But this all seems…too much as I suddenly realize what it all means.

The occasional dream, the faceless, nameless guy in the dream…it’s Dawson. How could I not have realized that sooner? The feelings were there, the surge of emotions, even once the dream was gone.

The significance of when the dreams seemed to occur is suddenly crystal clear.

As we approach the restaurant I have an idea, kind of needing a moment to process all of this before seeing him.

“Why don’t you go on ahead and I’ll join you in a minute.” I say and she looks at me questioningly.

“Are you sure you are okay?”

“Yeah,” I assure her. “It’ll add to the surprise besides I forgot I need to call Bessie.” I finish with any excuse.

And with that she enters the restaurant and I watch where she goes to sit as I try to mull over everything quickly.

To live with something for years and not quite realize the significance, only to have it become clear all in an instant. In an unexpected moment…I just can’t seem to-, how could I not have-, why did I never -…

Struggling to process it all, to let each thought finish I find myself being drawn to the thought that scare me the most.

What does it all mean and why now?

Or I suppose it’s not just now, it’s been occurring for years. “I just never realized.” I whisper to myself.

It can’t mean anything; I refuse to believe it could mean anything. Besides there’s been nothing going on between Dawson and I for years.

It couldn’t mean anything because Dawson and I are just friends and I don’t think of him like that. Okay, admitting the fact that I do love Dawson, that’s only because there’s a part of me that will always be in love with him, he was my first love. Nothing could ever change that or remove that.

It doesn’t really mean anything, it’s all purely coincidental. It felt so real…

It can’t mean anything, it just can’t. It doesn’t.

“It doesn’t”, I repeat in a whisper.

Taking a deep breath I decide it’s now or never and somehow I manage to relax myself as I focus in on the fact it doesn’t have to mean anything. Gone are the days of over analysis. So I had a dream about Dawson, it doesn’t exactly mean I’m in love with him. I once had a dream about being a Vegas showgirl and that wasn’t some life ambition being realised.

With the newfound knowledge that it doesn’t have to mean anything I finally enter the restaurant looking forward to seeing my best friend.

Approaching the table were they sit I hear them laugh and catch Audrey’s eye, indicating for her to shush and she continues talking.

Walking quietly to their table I lean down and wrap an arm around him before whispering seductively into his ear, “What do you say we blow off blondie over there and just go back to my hotel room?” As I finish I run my hand down his chest before quickly licking his ear, suddenly feeling very bold.

His body becomes tense and Audrey’s face is a priceless so I can only hazard a guess as to what Dawson’s is like.

Audrey bursts out laughing. “I think he’s considering it babe.”

Retreating my hand from his body I move to sit in the chair beside them. “So how about it Dawson?” I ask grinning and see the look on his face change from frightening shock to pleasantly surprised. “Want to ditch Audrey?”

“Maybe.” He replies laughing. “You just scared me half to death so I’m not quite in the mood.” He finishes with a grin.

“Oh it was so worth it from where I’m sitting.” Audrey chuckles.

“I’m no longer speaking to you.” He tells Audrey with a straight face.

“What’d I do?”

“You didn’t tell me Joey was going to be in town.” Dawson informs her before turning to me. “Actually I’m not talking to you either, you never told me you’d be here.”

“Surprise!” I exclaim with a smile.

I can’t stop smiling. Did I mention that? I haven’t seen Dawson in ages, he’s been out of the country for a while and it’s just so great to finally see him again. I truly have missed him, even though e-mails and phone calls have been frequent. I mean I’ve missed him in that friend’s way, nothing more.

“It was all very last minute.” I tell him as my eyes drift from him to Audrey and back again.

“Is something wrong?” He asks, worry evident in his voice. I’m touched by it but right now I don’t want to talk about this.

“Nothing life or death.” I finally manage to reply. “I’ll get into it later.” I assure him.

“You’re sure?” He asks and I simply nod. “Okay then. It’s really good to see you Jo.” He beams at me as he lightly touches my hand and I feel a tingle.

“You too.”

“Do you two realize that you haven’t even said hello to one another yet?” Audrey interrupts as though she were some outside observer. “Just saying.”

Dawson and I look at one another for a moment before we both say hello and then we stand at almost the same moment to hug. He wraps his arms around my waist while mine go around his neck. I feel that warm tingle in the pit of my stomach once again.

“It’s really good to see you.” I tell him ignoring it.

“Happy birthday Jo.” He says against my ear before we break the hug.

“Thanks.” I reply sitting down, trying not to think about his arms around me.

I refuse to over think everything and the only reason I felt any tingle as because I had the dream, nothing more.

“I’m famished.” Audrey said breaking me from my thoughts.

“Me too.” I told her as she handed me a menu.

“You know. We should do something later for your birthday.” Dawson offered before opening his menu.

“You guys don’t have to make a fuss.”

“We’re not.”

“Well maybe just a little.” Dawson replied honestly. “This is the first time I’ll have seen you on your birthday for years. I say we make a fuss.” His eyes go wide as he finishes.

I clearly recall the last time I spent my birthday with Dawson. Sometimes it seems like it was so many years ago, and other times it seems like everything has gone by in a blur between then and now.

Opening the menu I can’t help but to smile at the memory of my 19th birthday. After all these years it’s easier to just recall the good parts. So much possibility wasted after such a magical night.

Maybe we’ll get the chance to create happy memories today, but this time they won’t be tainted.