Where You Want To Be
Part 1 - speechless

by Karen H

When I’d first decided to go to LA for a for a little while I wasn’t sure what to expect, from Pacey; part of me expected him to sulk because I was going to be away for my birthday but he didn’t and I’m not sure if I was saddened or gladdened by that. I was sure Audrey would be happy to see me, albeit I expected her to question why I was deciding to spend my birthday with her.

The one person whose reaction I hadn’t really thought of was Dawson’s.

I was sure he’d wonder why I was there, don’t get me wrong I knew he’d be happy to see me, but would he actually sense something wasn’t exactly perfect, would he even say anything at all? Maybe he’d wait for me to volunteer any information.

To hear me talk like this you would think Pacey was some big mean ogre and we’d been miserable the whole time we were back together, but that’s just not true.

It wasn’t like that.

For the first month or so we tried the long distance thing, which wasn’t the most fun. Then one night just as I was dropping him off at the airport I asked him if he’d ever move to New York. This long distance gig was not working, without waiting for a reply I told him to not say anything now and to just consider it and he did.

The next time we talked on the phone he asked me so many questions about the possibility of moving that the thought crossed my mind that maybe he actually had a list in front of him. Within two weeks he’d hired someone to manage the Icehouse and had moved into my apartment in New York, but he’d decided he would still go back to Capeside occasionally to do some work with the restaurant.

So Pacey moved and everything was great, we were in that proverbial honeymoon period. Audrey called to let us know that she was back in LA working as a publicist; she’d try coming to visit soon (she’s so busy that this visit never happened). Dawson’s show moved into its second season and during the summer there had been rumors that he’d been involved with Stacie Ashbury, an actress who had starred in a small movie he produced over the summer.

When I’d asked him about it he’d just laughed, “Do you believe everything you hear on TV?”

“That depends,” I retorted. “I don’t normally pay attention to gossip on ET, but when they talk about the infamous Dawson Leery my ears just pick it up.”

He’d just laughed at that and tried to change the subject, eventually he told me that they had dated a few times. After dating Natasha he’d been wary of dating an actress and didn’t want me to mock him for it.

Eventually Pacey grew restless; he’d go to Capeside for a few days and end up staying for a week saying something had come up at the restaurant. But I had the feeling that maybe he was just avoiding being in New York so much. After his third extended stay I just asked him about it outright.

He had in fact grown restless in New York, how that’s even possible I will never know. He told me not to take it to heart but I sensed that deep down he resented not being in full control, of his life, of us.

“You get to go off to work all day and I’m left to twiddle my thumbs and wait for you to come home.” He’d finally admitted after major prodding.

I suggested he open up a restaurant in New York, which was met with a blank look from Pacey, followed by, “Do you even realize how low the rate of success is in this city?”

I guess I hadn’t considered that and why should I know that really?

“Everything’s great for you.” He’d added “You have everything just as you want it but I can’t stay here.”

It was finally out in the open and to say I’d been surprised by this was an understatement. I was in shock, especially when he said, “If you really loved me you’d come back to Capeside with me.”

Go back to Capeside? I’d spent the greater part of my life trying to get out and he wanted me to go back?

Didn’t he understand me at all?

I told him I couldn’t rush my decision, I needed to think about it. I’d be giving up so much.

“And I didn’t?” He’d asked his voice rising slightly.

If you analyzed it enough, you would realize that he clearly hadn’t.

Pacey still had his apartment and still owned the Icehouse. I on the other hand would be setting back my career and leaving the city I’d fallen in love with. To a certain degree I would also be giving up my freedom and independence.

He just didn’t get it and after one ‘discussion’ I had the feeling we were back to the good old days when he had all these insecurities about Dawson because I’m sure I once heard him say under his breath, “You’d do it if Dawson asked you to.”

I just didn’t want to get into all of that so I choose to just rise above it.

In the end I did it and for the life of me I had no idea if it was the right thing for me or if it was what I truly wanted. All I could recall was not wanting another failed relationship, not wanting to have to start all over again with someone and I did love Pacey.

So I handed in my notice and somehow managed to get this job at a smallish publishing firm on the outskirts of Boston. I told Pacey I couldn’t move back to Capeside, it was too much of a commute and eventually we made the compromise of living almost midway between there and Boston.

It was weird being the new kid again, but this job wasn’t about my career it was about making my relationship with Pacey work and that was going fine. The honeymoon period began again and life was great. I eventually stopped missing my old life so much and on the plus side, I could see Bessie more often which wasn’t a bad thing.

And then it happened.

I turned up like normal, arrived at my usual time to find a few of my co-workers standing out front of the building we worked in. They were reading a notice about how the company had gone under and that our services were no longer required.

Shock came first, I was speechless. I’d given up everything for this job and now that was gone. I’d been living the almost perfect life in NY and now this.

After reading the notice I sat in the car for almost an hour, just staring into space. What was I going to do? I know most people would say it wasn’t the end of the world but at that particular time it felt like it. Even as I made my way to LA to visit Audrey and schedule permitting, Dawson, it still felt like it.

I’d given up a better job for this one and my chances of finding anything similar close to Capeside was slim to none.

When I told Pacey he couldn’t believe it had happened and I think he initially felt some sort of guilt. For almost a week I barely left our bedroom, I hardly ate or even spoke. Bessie tried to take my mind off of things, Audrey called too after having heard the news from Bessie and she in turn told Dawson and he called too. They all tried to cheer me up but I honestly felt like someone had died.

My mopping seemed to be bugging Pacey and one day he straight out told me to quit acting like it was the end of the world and to just get on with it. “If worst comes to the worst you can work for me.”

I didn’t even have it in me to roll my eyes at him. Four years at college and he expected me to go back to the job I was in when I was in high school? Was he on drugs?

We hardly spoke for a week after that, he’d resigned himself to sleeping on the couch. Eventually I managed to get myself together enough to start applying for work but nowhere close by was hiring people.

I even went so far as to call my old boss in New York to see if she could help me out. She couldn’t. Not that I had told Pacey, but it had crossed my mind that I could possibly move back there. Not that he’d have liked that.

And this is how I ended up on flight AA404 from Boston to LA, on my way to visit Audrey and Dawson if his schedule allowed.

Pacey and I had already started to argue over the least little detail, I was feeling down and my twenty-fifth birthday was looming. I needed a break.

Audrey had squealed down the phone when I’d first asked if it was okay for me to visit, “It’ll be like we’re having a slumber party or we’re back sharing a dorm again.” I always loved her enthusiasm…I think.

As the airplane began its descent and the city of angels came into view I couldn’t help but wonder if this trip was going to be more detrimental than good with regards to my relationship with Pacey. Although the more I thought of it, we both would benefit from the break. Things were too tense for now.

Hopefully I would get to recharge my batteries while I was here, take my mind off of the job thing before returning to do everything I could to find a job. But one thing was for sure, I wanted to enjoy this little break.

Walking through the arrival gate pulling my suitcase behind me I scanned the crowd of people there for Audrey, for some crazy idea I thought she’d be difficult to spot.

“Hey Joey. Over here.” I heard her calling before I saw her push past someone. “Excuse me there handsome.” She added as she clapped eyes on some guy who looked like he’d walked right out of some boy band.

“Hey Audrey.” I greeted her with a hug. “For some insane reason I thought it’d be difficult to find you.”

Once the hug was finished she eyed me up and down and made a face. “You’re really making me believe you are insane when you say things like that. You’d find me if the place was covered in snow and I was dressed from head to toe in white.”

“Yeah, I walked into that one.” I acknowledge defeated as she grins at me.

“Oh you ran kicking and screaming into that one honey.” Audrey says as she leads me towards the nearest exit. “The car is out this way.”

As we walk we segue into small talk as Audrey tells me about her latest celebrity client. Some guy I hadn’t quite caught the name of, but apparently he has that bad boy image down to a tee. And as Audrey drove through the airport car park I was given a list of all of the nightclubs and bars this guy had been banned from.

“Over the past year he’s had six different publicists, before I took over dealing with him the longest anyone had stayed with him for was three months.” She continued as the car merged with traffic. “There’s some inside bet on how long I’d last with this guy and so far almost half of the office is out of the running for the jackpot. I’m told there’s like $7,500 in this pot.”

“That’s a lot of money for something like that.”

“Oh I know it is. And it just so happens I plan to win it.”

“What’s your bet?”

“I won’t get rid of him.”

Typical Audrey, somehow seeking trouble even if it is indirectly.

“Why would you put up with him?” I wondered out loud.

She shrugged her shoulders lightly as the car moved between those that appeared to drive too slowly for Audrey. “He really just does it for the image and press it generates for him but really deep down he’s a sweet guy.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“Everything that’s printed about him that involves his being in trouble; it’s restricted to things he does away from any movie set.” She informed me. “Directors, producers or any co-worker for that matter say he’s an angel. You can even ask Dawson that, Eric was in that movie he produced. He’s quite a sensitive guy really.”

I had been watching her as she talked and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her, or even how her body language was generating so many indications that she liked him.

“You have a thing for him!”

“I didn’t even say that.” She tried to defend herself.

“You don’t have to; you’re practically screaming it without verbalizing it.” I assured her laughing.

“Oh God, you don’t think anyone else would be able to tell, do you?” She seemed genuinely worried.

“That depends on a few things, how well you know these people who may read the signs and how well they know you. If they see you around Eric, depends on how you act when you are with him.” Curiously I begin, “I’m not even sure I want to know this, but has anything happened with you two?”

“No.” She replied quickly her eyes focused on the road. Her answer was far too quick.

“Audrey?”

I noted that her cheeks had turned slightly pink when we drove under a street lamp.

“Did something happen?”

She nods her head ever so slightly and bites her lip. I can’t help but think she’s somehow nervous or something and I’ve never known Audrey to do nervous.

“Come on already, tell me!” I implore, curiosity getting the better of me.

“No, you’ll judge me.”

“I will not judge you and now I know for sure something happened.”

She mumbles something and is silent for a moment. “I don’t suppose you heard that did you?”

I mimic the noise she made. “What do you think?”

“Fine!” She says as she indicates to turn a corner. “We had sex. There, are you happy?”

“Only for you.” A beat. “But only if it was good, was it good?”

“Oh my God, it was so unbelievable that I can tell you.” She replies with a hint of excitement creeping into her voice as she starts to ramble on about the sex. Yep, there’s no stopping her words now and she’s happily leaving no detail unshared. Funny how she wasn’t willing to share and now I’m hearing everything from the sexual positions of choice to the fact she doesn’t think she’s screamed so loud. “Finally someone I can share this stuff with.”

“I guess you didn’t divulge this stuff to Dawson?”

“Sure I did.” Audrey replies and for a moment I think she’s serious. “Just like you divulge all of those sordid little details to him about your sex life.” Her tone dripping with sarcasm.

“So, are you and Eric dating?”

“That’s the thing, the next day we had to be all professional and never got the chance to talk about it.”

“And?”

“And nothing.” She lightly shrugs her shoulders. “It’s almost a week later and neither of us has said anything. It’s too late now.”

I can tell by her tone as well as her words that she wants to say something to him and only now do I realize how much she must like him. She’s either too shy or scared to bring it up and Audrey Liddell just doesn’t do either of those.

“Why don’t you casually ask him out or something?”

“It’s too late for that.”

“You could always make it seem more like a business thing by having Dawson there; he can say something has come up after a little bit…”

She shook her head. “Then I’d have to tell Dawson.”

“No you wouldn’t.” I tell her and she gives me a quick ‘yeah right’ look. “Okay, maybe some information but just something that you liked him.”

“No!”

“Okay.” I can see she’s going to be stubborn about this. There’s no point trying to make her change her mind. “Speaking of Dawson, did you call him?” I ask her as she parks the car.

“Yeah, I even called him again to make sure he’d really added our lunch date to his schedule.” Audrey replies as she kills the ignition. “He hasn’t a clue that you’re going to be there.”

“Good, it’ll be nice to surprise him.”

“You do know that it’s typically traditional for the person who is actually celebrating their birthday to be the one who is surprised, right?”

Going outta my head I think I’m loosing all my mind Drive me crazy burning candles making love all night

“I am familiar with the concept.” I tell her mock glaring before I stick my tongue out at her before we both exit the car. “Just thought it’d be nice to surprise him.”

As we enter her apartment I try to stifle a yawn.

“I saw that.” She says as I close the door. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say my company sucked.”

“Sorry. My body thinks it’s just past midnight.”

“I don’t mind if you want to go to bed right now.” Audrey tells me as she leads me through to the guest bedroom. “I have a few things to take care of that I have to do if I want to be able to take tomorrow off.”

“You didn’t have to take a day off for me.”

“Sure I did, it’s your birthday and I’m not leaving you alone on it.” Her tone reassured me I wasn’t putting her out. “Besides, we haven’t gone window shopping in ages and it’ll be fun.”

“You’re sure you don’t mind?”

“I can always arrange for you to sleep outside.”

“Fine, I’ll quit it.” I told her as we dumped my suitcase on the double bed in the spare room.

“You remember where everything is, right? I don’t like need to show you the place and you know to help yourself to anything in the fridge right?”

“Yes and no and okay.”

“Although don’t look on being able to raid my fridge as me being so generous, it’s almost empty.”

“I’ll take note of that.”

We said our goodnights and as I opened my suitcase and began to put the clothes away I remembered that I hadn’t switched my cell back on, so I figured I better now. Just in case someone had to get hold of me.

After brushing my teeth and changing for bed Audrey and I met in the hallway again. “I think you’re cell phone was ringing a minute ago.” She told me as she headed towards her bedroom. “Can’t that guy of yours bear to take any time away from you?”

If only she knew.

When I did check my phone, she had been right, Pacey had called. Probably to check that I’d got here okay. There was also a text message waiting for me too.

“Hey Jo, I know it’s past midnight out on the east coast so just wanted to wish you happy birthday. I’ll call sometime tomorrow. D.”

Unable to stop the smile forming on my lips I crawled into bed. Despite everything, how hectic his life had got these past few years, he was still the first person to wish me a happy birthday.

Glancing at the clock I was tempted to call him to say hi and thanks. I knew he’d still be awake but I was terrible with surprises, I’d end up telling him I was here. In the end, after mulling over it for a few minutes I sent him a reply; “Hey Dawson thanks for the message. I’m getting old just like you are. Talk to you soon, J.”

I placed the phone on the nightstand before flipping off the lamp and I felt better than I did when I got up earlier. This trip seemed to be doing the trick already.

She arched her back involuntarily as he moved within her, making her feel things she thought she'd never experience. Her pelvis slammed against his with such ferocity that it should hurt but didn't. She threw her head back, sinking further into the pillow as he kissed her chin and while one of his hands grazed her breast. The room filled with nothing but them, the moans of pleasure escaping their mouths, the moonlight streaming through the window and their shadows on the walls.

She was becoming more and more aroused, knew she'd have to let go soon but clinging on for dear life, wanting…no, needing to prolong this moment.

One of her hands held the comforter tightly, while the other hand found its way to his nape, gently stroking the hair there. He balanced himself above her with one of his hands on one side of her body; his other hand caressed her thigh, raising it slightly so he could penetrate more.

They continued to slip and slide, both of their bodies damp with perspiration as she sought to kiss him. Raising herself from the bed she clung to him, devouring his lips with her own, parting her lips to allow his tongue to enter her mouth, his tongue dancing with hers.

She was almost at her peak when he brushed a strand of hair off of her face, away from her eyes. Her eyes searched his and she knew she was quickly slipping away.

As she raced towards the finish line the movements of her hips sped up, she moved with purpose while at the same time wishing she could prolong the inevitable.

His lips found hers again and as his tongue plundered her mouth the phone started to ring.

Just ignore it! She told herself and hoped that he would too. But deep down she knew she'd answer it in case it was something important.

Just a few more thrusts! She thought closing her eyes. Call back in 5 minutes. She willed the phone, but its ringing only seemed to grow louder.

It was only when I opened my eyes that I realized. There was no weight on top, driving against me, no warm body. The room smelt different and the sun had started to rise, yet I ached and was damp in more ways than one. Disgruntled I reached for the phone on the nightstand.

"Hello!" I managed to blurt out, my voice breathless.

"Hey happy birthday." A male voice said over the phone.

I felt disorientated for a moment. "Pacey?"

"Yeah, happy birthday. I know it's early there but I wasn't sure I'd get the chance to call later."

"That's okay." I replied trying to catch my breath.

"Joey?"

"Yeah."

"What were you doing? Sounds like strenuous activity. Wait, were you and Audrey…"

"Don't you even finish that, that's disgusting!" I scrunched my nose while I dabbed my forehead and I wondered if he could hear the distaste in my tone.

I was just in the middle of the most erotic dream! Sure, I could tell him that. Then be asked how he was doing in it. "I woke early." I began. I'm sure it was the best sex ever! "Couldn't get back to sleep and you know how Audrey has the treadmill?"

"Early morning run?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh, I'll let you get back to it before you cool down too much."

"Thanks."

"Joey, about what I said…"

"Let's not do this right now, not over the phone. Okay?"

"Okay, just wanted to say…"

"Happy birthday, I know. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

I hung the phone up before sinking back into the pillow, covering my eyes with the back of my hand. "Wow!" I said to the empty room before cursing the phone for even ringing. Never had I felt as unfulfilled as I do now, totally aroused and there was an ache in the pit of my stomach.

For a while I just lay there, trying to get back to sleep. Willing myself to dream…of him. This guy who seemed to be taking me to new levels, even if only in my dreams. His heat radiating into my body, his penetrating touch, his breath on my body…

The thought alone was enough to send shivers down my spine, even if I couldn't remember his face clearly. Or maybe I just hadn't seen it, not really.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been like this with dreams. They occurred rarely, or at least I rarely recalled they ever happened. And the ones that I did remember, like this one, were the ones I always seemed to forget the details of.

The more I thought of it the more I became convinced I had seen his face. Maybe it'd come back to me or maybe I would have the dream again. Hadn’t I had it before?

The one thing I was sure of was the need for this ache to go away. Only two things to do; either a cold shower or deal with it myself. Option B surely wasn't ringing my bell, not after that dream…

I really should write this down so I won't forget. That was why I had started to keep a dream journal, well for the ones I was able to recall. I’d even gotten into the habit of keeping it close by so I could write it down as soon as I awoke, but that was all the way back at home.

Instead I just reach into the drawer of the nightstand for the notebook and pen I have to carry with me everywhere. I could update the dream journal when I got home.

Maybe later I can find a way of telling Audrey about this.