When Love Calls Your Name
Part 1 - Drifting
by Karen H

Some nine years later (give or take).

As I sit at the table in our kitchen drinking coffee, I go over my checklist once more and I feel nervous about later tonight. I’m an artist you see, or so I hope.

After graduating from Capeside High I moved to New York to study art at NYU, the biggest part of me finally happy to be gone from there. Happy to be away from the demons that seemed to haunt me.

Pacey and I got back together a few weeks after Jen and I had our talk but broke up before prom. Loneliness and impending departures led to us getting back together for one night, before Pacey went off for the summer working on a sail boat. He enjoyed it so much that he decided to keep doing that kind of thing.

I threw myself into my studies and adjusting to city life and within a year Pacey and I were back together. But it was always off and on, more off than on while we were at college. He’d decided he wanted to be a chef and was going to college in Boston so we’d mainly see each other at weekends, except when we had midterms or finals or Pacey was off on a boat for the summer. Loneliness seemed to somehow bring us back together.

Within a few years we were back together in Boston and this time it seemed to be working, we seemed to not end up going our separate ways. Pacey was working as a chef and I worked in a bookstore four days a week and painted in my free time, trying to get a gallery to show my work. But no one seemed to be interested.

After living in Boston for almost two years, we decided to give New York a try. Pacey knew how much I liked being there, knew part of me wanted to go back and he finally gave in to us going there.

Which is where we are now, in Forest Hills.

Even though it is almost 9am, Pacey is still asleep. He was late home from work, like he is most nights because of how late the restaurant is open. Today that’s a good thing as it means I can think over everything I need to do for later.

When we moved here I got a job in another bookstore and in my spare time I continued to paint and scout around for somewhere to showcase some of my paintings. I finally found somewhere in Soho and the show is tonight hence the reason why I am so nervous.

I thought of everything that could possibly go wrong and up until last night everything was going smoothly. That was until Pacey called at exactly 8:14 to tell me that he had to work. We knew for months that tonight would be the night and he made sure he had the okay for the evening off. He was assured it would be fine, but that was before one of the chefs quit and another called in with the flu.

We fought over the phone, “didn’t he realize how important this night was for me”, “didn’t I realize that it wasn’t his fault” and back and forth. The truth is I know it wasn’t his fault, but this was a huge night for me and he wasn't going to be there. Bessie couldn’t make it either because of the B&B, meaning the only person I’ll have there for moral support is Shannon, a friend from work but she asked if she could bring her boyfriend so she wouldn’t be a third wheel.

Which I guess I’m going to feel like now.

Glancing at my checklist again I carefully note I have everything planned out. Picking up my dress at two, swing by the gallery after to check everything is okay for tonight, hairdressers at four, etc…

Pacey said he’d try and get away, even if it means he can only stop by for fifteen minutes, he’ll try. But I won’t hold my breath.

When I swung by the gallery earlier, Verity told me that there was a late addition to the program, some photographer was showcasing some stuff at the exhibit, so there will be five different people with stuff on display. As I enter the house just after five, I see a bouquet of flowers on the table in the hallway. He didn’t, did he? I smile as I walk towards them, quickly pulling the card free.

He didn’t.

The flowers are from Bessie.

Good luck for tonight Joey, I know you’ll do great. All my love Bessie, Bodie and Alex.

Wishful thinking I guess, Pacey isn’t much of a romantic but I don’t mind. I don’t.

Hurrying upstairs, I mentally check that everything is in order before heading towards the bathroom for a shower. Do I have everything I need for later?

I have my dress, make up and everything was set out before I left, the cab is booked…

As the cab navigates its way through the bustling Manhattan streets towards Soho I start to feel sick. This is really happening.

Self doubt starts to seep in, what if I’m not good enough? These people are the ones who’ll know, these people know about art. What if no one likes what I’ve done? I wish I had said yes to Shannon when she asked me if I wanted her to pick me up since Pacey wasn’t going.

“No”, I told her foolishly, “You’ll be there too early and have a lot of waiting around to do.”

I managed to calm myself down and by the time I arrive all but one of the people who will have their work on display is there.

“He’s flying in from upstate.” Simon, an artist from Long Island tells me as he touches my arm. “I heard he’s a photographer.” He whispers in my ear as though he’d just delivered some state secret everyone would want to know.

I just nod and look out for Shannon’s arrival as Simon continues speaking but I don’t hear everything he says.

The first time I met Simon I thought he was gay, but now I’m not so sure. He’s been by my side ever since I arrived, keeps touching my arm and I think he’s flirting. Pacey would freak if he saw this guy.

Ten minutes later Shannon and Derek arrive, both eyeing Simon and he makes his excuses and leaves now that we are no longer on our own.

“Thank god you two got here.”

“Was he trying to hit on you?” Shannon asks watching after him.

“I think he was.”

“We both know you could do so much better.” She rolls her eyes and I can’t help but laugh.

Shannon for the most part, doesn’t exactly like Pacey. She denies it whenever the topic comes up but I know by her body language when he’s around that she doesn’t like him. He on the other hand likes Shannon and often wonders why we never double date.

I’ve managed to convince him that the reason we never double date is because his schedule changes too much or it conflicts with plans. I’m not entirely sure he believes me anymore.

“Would either of you like something to drink?” Derek asks letting go of Shannon’s hand.

“I’m fine thanks.” I tell him looking at the glass of champagne in my hand. It’s only my second glass but I really don’t want to be drunk tonight.

“I’ll have a glass of red wine.” Shannon tells him as he walks away. “Sorry we were a little late in getting here, I had a bit of a problem with my dress.”

“What was wrong with it?” I ask her as a smirk starts to appear on her face and I should have guessed I’d fallen for that one again.

“Just Derek extracted me from it and wouldn’t let me put it back on.”

I roll my eyes at her, some things never change.

“This is one of yours, right?” She asks as she gestures to a painting beside us.

I nod my head. “Yeah.”

“How come I never saw it before?”

“I don’t know.” I reply but I do. Of everything I ever painted I think this one took the most out of me. It was emotionally draining, so much invested in it. I never thought I’d ever be able to show it to anyone, even Pacey.

“Does it have a title?”

“Well for tonight its title is ‘my only hope’, but it had more of a personal meaning when I was working on it. For years I’d add some stuff to it, a splash of color here or there.”

“What’s its other title?”

“'Soulmate song'. The different colors represent different emotions; happiness, sadness, frustration, loneliness, emptiness…longing.” I finish, my voice low.

“For?”

“The one.” I reply feeling I’ve been honest about something for the first time in years.

“So, how many paintings do you have here?”

“Five.” I reply as I hear someone cheer a little behind me. Probably some trumped up artist being praised in front of everyone they know. I don’t bother turning around.

“Oh, what a nice piece of ass.” Shannon says as she looks over my shoulder. “Couldn’t you just spread that on a cracker?” She finishes as she tilts her head to the side.

I can’t help but laugh at her as I turn to find out what fine specimen she’s ogling now, even though her boyfriend isn’t far away. My view of the guy is blocked; at least I think it was a guy. There are plenty of females over there too.

“I didn’t see.”

“Such a shame for you then. We should swap places so you can get a better look.”

“Shannon!” I exclaim as she changes my position. “I can’t believe you; you were just talking about having your wicked way with your boyfriend…”

“I was only looking, it’s not like I went over there and did the guy in front of everyone.”

That sounds scary because I actually think she’s the kind of person who would do that.

As Derek appears back at her side I finally catch a glimpse at the guy…it can’t be.

“What is it Joey?” Derek asks obviously reading the look of surprise on my face and both Shannon and Derek look over their shoulder and back to me.

“Dawson?” I say my voice barely a whisper as my mouth goes dry. I suddenly feel the need to sit down yet I want to approach him at the same time.

There’s a break in the people that surround him and for a brief moment my eyes meet his before they’re gone again. I think I’m gonna be sick, so I excuse myself and go to the bathroom.

For years I wondered what it would be like to see him again, wondered how I’d react or what I’d say. I never expected to feel like this.

Part of me wants to run out there and hug him, tell him I’m sorry for everything, I wish I could take it back, do things differently.

The other part of me wants to hide, what right do I have to talk to him. I hurt him too much, more than I thought possible.

It’s been somewhere in the region of nine years since I’ve seen him. As much as I wish it weren’t true, I don’t know him anymore and he doesn’t know me. He shouldn’t want to.

Shannon comes to find me, confusion written on her face. I give her a watered down version of our history and she’s speechless.

“How could I not have known this?” She asks and I just lightly shrug.

I ask her to give me a minute; I need to compose myself before I can go back out there again.

When I finally leave the safety of the bathroom I’m surprised to find that Dawson isn’t were he was before, he’s possibly off on some far off corner or for all I know he’s already left.

For the majority of the night, I find I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, checking to see if he’s there. Yet not quite sure if I have it in me to speak to him. What could I possibly say?

At one point I see him out of the side of my eye, I turn and smile and there’s a look of recognition as he smiles back. It’s the simple things that I seem to miss the most and I feel my eyes start to water.

A little while later, as the night is drawing to a close Shannon asks if I’ll mind if her and Derek take off. “He’s getting frisky.” She winks at me.

I tell her its fine and she asks if I’m sure, I tell her it’s ok again, I plan to leave soon anyway.

Five minutes later I find I’m outside trying to hail a cab, but there doesn’t seem to be anything about.

“There hasn’t been a cab pass here for at least ten minutes.” I hear someone say from behind me, a voice that seems familiar, that I haven’t heard in years.

I thought maybe I’d missed my chance to speak to him and now that I know I haven’t I have this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and my palms are sweating. I’m not prepared for this.

There’s too much to process and I’m surprised my head isn’t spinning.

“Well that’s just great.” I reply before taking a deep breath, there’s so much to say, where do I start? “Hey.”

“Hey.” He replies as he walks out from the shadow of the doorway he was standing in.

“Have you been out here all night counting cabs?” I ask trying to break the ice. What the hell should I say?

“Something like that.”

We fall into a moment of awkward silence, my eyes locked on his for a moment before it somehow feels like too much and I need to look away as I feel the coolness of the night air. I wish I’d brought a heavier jacket.

I glance over my shoulder to see if there are any cabs coming but there aren’t. Turing back to him I say, “I think I’m just going to walk a few blocks and see if I can get a cab there.”

“Alone?” He asks and I suddenly realize that it’d probably be stupid of me, but I'm not thinking clearly. I feel somewhat uncomfortable though, there’s so much I want to say but I don’t really know where to start.

I nod my head, “It’s just a couple of blocks.” Anything to stop this uncomfortable feeling.

“I could walk you to Broadway…” He begins and I’m slightly taken aback, he seems to be taken aback that he suggested it. “It’s in the direction of my hotel.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”

“I can’t let you walk through New York alone at this time of night.” Dawson tells me, his voice sincere.

I’m touched, he owes me nothing. He should just let me go on my way.

“I don’t mind, Joey.”

He said my name, the first time either of us has said the other’s name and I feel tears begin to form.

“Dawson…” I begin as he makes a move to walk down the street and he stops to look at me. I guess it’s now or never. “I’m sorry about Mitch and Gail.”

He doesn’t respond at first, doesn’t waver his gaze from mine. “I know.” He finally says and I see a look of understanding on his face. We stand looking at one another for a moment before he says, “Are you coming or going to stand here all night?”

I manage a smile as does he as we begin to walk down the street.