Sensory Pleasure
Part 24 - This Way
Karen H.

As much as I want us to talk this over and decide what this is, I’m still a little apprehensive about it. I sit on the bottom edge of my bed, practically guarding the bathroom door, waiting on him exiting. Waiting for the talk.

I glance at my watch; it’s been 3 minutes and 24 seconds since I heard the shower stop running, the butterflies in my stomach getting more intense with each passing look at my watch.

4 minutes now.

I hear someone laugh as they walk past the door of my dorm and then I hear the lock on the bathroom door being opened.

By the time he’s opened the door and taken a step into the room, I’ve gotten up from the bed and am standing a few feet away from him.

We both look at each other for a second before blurting out at the same time. “We need to talk.”

We both smile at each other and I wonder if we're both going to say the same thing. If we both want the same thing.

“Before we say anything I need to…” I say taking a step forward, not finishing as I lightly brush my lips against his.

At first he’s unresponsive as I gently suck on his lower lip, bringing my hand up to gently stroke his cheek. ‘I want this one moment to be the happy end if we don’t want the same thing, the moment I want to remember’.

I feel his hand over mine on his cheek and we break the kiss.

“I had to…” I begin but stop not sure if I should voice what I’m thinking, will he understand?

He raises an eyebrow questioningly, urging me to continue but I don’t. “You had to what?” I just look at him for a moment. I want to remember how he looks at this exact moment. His hair a little spiked, the grey t-shirt he wears showing a hint of what I know lies underneath it, the trace of stubble, as well as the hint of a smile that adorns his face. I want to remember how I feel right now: the butterflies, the ache in my tummy, the tingle that runs down my spine, how his skin feels against mine.

“If whatever this is or was is ending, I want it to have been with that kiss. I want this now…” I gesture between us with my hand. “…to be the picture I have of us in my mind, the moment it’s over. Not some memory of an ugly fight or disagreement.”

“Is this gonna end up in a fight?”

“I hope not. We have decide what this is, what we want.”

He looks down at the hand he still has in his for a moment before laying his eyes on mine again. “And what exactly is this Jo?”

I know it’s not just sex! “You know what it is!” I tell him, my voice low as his eyes search out mine as though he’s looking for the answer in them.

“Do you want it to be over?” He asks and my eyes waver from his for a moment as I bite my lip. I know I’m so close to laying it all on the line.

I don’t answer his question, somehow there’s this small part of me still afraid to say it. What if he doesn’t want what I want? “There’s something happening between us!”

He doesn’t answer, there’s no reply, not even in his eyes. He’s just waiting for me to tell him, to say what I hope he wants to hear. What I know I have to say.

“There’s this part of me that wants to tell you that what happened…doesn’t change anything. That things can go back to how they were…”

“I think that we’re beyond the point where this won’t change anything. It’s gonna change something no matter where all this goes.”

I nod my head in agreement. “My instinct is telling me to say ‘it doesn’t’, but I know for a fact that it’s not true. It’s changed everything. Everything changed the moment we entered my dorm. The exact moment I kissed you.”

“Do you want it to be over?” He asks his question again.

I feel tears start to form and wonder if he’s aware of the small movement of my head as I shake it a little from side to side.

“Jo?”

He needs to hear the words.

I still shake my head. “No! I don’t want us to be over.” I pause for a moment, letting it sink in. I actually said it. “I want us to be together. Friendship isn’t enough, it has never been enough.”

He runs his free hand through his hair and I suddenly feel drawn to his lips, a feeling that is not altogether lost on me. I glance from his eyes to his lips and back again, closing the space there is between us.

I have one quick glance at his lips again before locking my eyes on his for a moment, closing them only as my lips come into contact with his. The kiss is gentle, and I hope that it tells him this is really what I want. My lips glide with his as he laces his fingers through mine while I bring my free hand up to caress his cheek.

I feel myself falling further and further into him, never wanting to break the kiss. Why can’t I spend the rest of my life like this? Eternity even? Joined to him at the lips. But I can’t. Our lips continue their dance for a moment longer before we both have to stop to catch our breaths, my forehead resting on his. Or maybe his rests on mine, who can really tell?

We’re both smiling though. Maybe that means he wants the same thing too.

“I have so much to say.” I tell him, turning around and dragging him towards my bed for us to finally have the talk.

“Ah Jo, I thought we were gonna talk.” He says and I turn to see the serious look on his face.

“You think we’re gonna…?”

“Why are you dragging me towards you bed?”

“So we can sit down.” I tell him rolling my eyes as we sit down. “This isn’t all about sex you know Dawson, we’re more than sex!”

“I know that.” He replies before capturing my bottom lip with his and sucking gently on it. “It was making love, not sex! But now…now we have to talk.”

“Dawson, do you mind if I go first? I want to go first - - again, except this time I will be totally honest with you. I know I wasn’t last week, I know I haven’t been for a while now.”

“Okay.”

My glance moves to our intertwined fingers momentarily, he has started to lightly stroke my wrist with the thumb from his free hand, such a tender move. So Dawson. That one motion is enough to remind me of how much I lo…love him. It’s like those three words have suddenly hit me, yet I’ve known it all along at the same time and now I am not afraid to feel it, maybe even express it. It’s like suddenly the knowledge gives me a newfound confidence.

“These past few days have been amazing; we’ve both seen a side of each other we haven’t seen with each other in a while. Actually I don’t think… No! I know I haven’t felt like this with anyone else.” I smile at him as I reach over to my desk for a scrunchie, he lets go of my hand as I tie my hair back.

“I feel like I’ve seen a new side to you…a new side to me even.” He reaches for my hand again and I pause, looking at our hands again, smiling at him. “Exploring this new side to us: talking about anything and everything, well within reason, sharing new things - - the love making…the intimacy, all the things I always knew I wanted in a relationship.” I lightly chuckle as I continue. “The only thing is we weren’t in a romantic relationship at the time, who knows maybe we still won’t…”

“Don’t even think that!” He demands and I can’t help smiling as he affirms where he is in this.

“I can’t remember when the last time was that I felt that I was completely honest with you, when I felt that you truly knew everything there was to know about me. When there were no boundaries on how we acted with each other. These past few months I’ve acted like I was fine with everything.” I shake my head. “But I’m not and I haven’t been for sometime. I thought I had to act a certain way around you, that I had to put my feelings aside…” I trail off as I suddenly start to feel free for being so honest but there’s so much more to come and I’m not sure it can all be said now.

“Joey?” He says as I feel him lightly stroke my cheek with the thumb that was stroking my wrist.

“Hmm...”

“Why are you crying?”

I hadn’t even realized there were tears flowing from my eyes. I look away from him for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He asks perplexed.

“Everything and nothing.” He still wears that look of confusion. “I wanted to hate you for shutting me out when Mitch died because I was hurting too. I wanted to help you, be there for you and you wouldn’t let me. I guess I should have tried harder because it wasn’t your fault. I guess history just proves that it’s impossible for me to hate you.” I pause as I wipe fresh tears from my face, my eyes never really wavering from his now blurry face.

“I’m sorry for everything. For dumping you and running to Jack, blaming you for splitting up my family - - I know that wasn’t your doing it was Dad’s. For what happened with Pacey, it was never meant to hurt you - - to hurt any of us. I was just confused about my feelings, they were so strong…you know? All you try to do is resist, try to rebel. How can you fight something so powerful?” What does he think of all of this, goes through my head as I let that question linger, the tears still flowing.

“It’s always been you! It’s always been us!” I reassure him with a smile.