All This Time

Part 1 - The Meaning of Love

I realise it's been almost 2 years coming and I apologize. I never intended to take that long. And to those who have been so patient, thank you. And to those of you who have persisted, thank you even more Jane. I probably wouldn't have got here.

This first part is a sort of fill in the blanks, when did Joey realise she was pregnant...

The previous night

As Joey casually glanced around the bedroom that belonged to herself and Pacey; it suddenly felt as though she were in a stranger’s bedroom. They had barely shared the same bed since she returned from LA but now, everything felt so foreign, not hers.

The more she thought about it the more it made sense, why should she stay with Pacey if she didn't love him.

It had finally hit her what this all meant.

That letter from Dawson seemed to have that air of finality to it. She wanted to call him, to tell him that she had tried to stop him too. That she'd been miserable after she left LA but she had tried to convince herself she was okay. She'd been even more miserable since she missed him at the airport and then after she received that letter from him...it was tearing her apart.

So why hadn't she done it yet? Why hadn't she picked up the phone and called him? Why hadn't she been honest with Nicola and Sarah and told them that she had wanted to go to him since she got his letter? Part of her wondered if they would think she was making a mistake but they seemed to be sort of pushing her to go to him because she was so miserable.

And now, her mind was made up. It was seeing the promo for his movie that did it. That question about what if an ex was the one, she knew he was the one. She guessed she had known all along.

Moments after it ended, after Sarah had commented on how she thought the lead actress looked a little like Joey, she just blurted it out.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." She'd said it as calm as anything, as thought she were just planning a weekly shopping trip for groceries.

Neither Sarah nor Nicola said anything at first, their faces changing from a look of mild surprise to one of happiness.

"For LA?" Sarah had asked as thought Joey would be thinking of going anywhere else, causing Nicola to roll her eyes.

"It's about time you made that decision!" Nicola replied, gently squeezing Joey's arm. "We were afraid you would stay here; in that safety zone you've created and managed to fool yourself was what you wanted."

"We thought we were going to have to knock some sense into you." Sarah added. "Don't get me wrong, we both really love Pacey, but why should you settle for something you so obviously don't want?"

"I don't want to hurt him." Joey replied as her eyes watered up.

"I hate to be harsh Joey, but you already have." Nicola said, squeezing Joey's arm again. "You can't give him what he wants and you've been hurting more than Pacey by being with him, and I don't mean just Dawson."

"I should go home and get packed."

"We'll call and get you a reservation; we'll call and let you know what we can get for you."

On her way home she'd had to stop by the drug store as she had forgotten to pick up her prescription. As she made her way out of the drug store a young woman passed her carrying a young baby who was crying. The mother was trying to shush her, rocking her as she walked. That was when it sort of hit Joey.

Instead of walking out of the store she walked towards a particular aisle, picking out what she wanted before heading to the cash register again. She hoped that Pacey was not awake when she got home.

Thankfully when she entered their apartment he wasn't awake, he was tucked up in bed. She made a beeline for the bathroom, taking off her jacket as she walked. Once inside the bathroom she unwrapped the box she held in her hands and started to read the instructions. It'd take three minutes, in three minutes she'd know.

She'd followed the instructions, and it had turned blue. She followed them again, still it turned blue and she'd figured since she had bought three, she'd do it again. It was still showing blue...she was pregnant.

She could hardly believe it, she was stunned, happily stunned. A smile started to tug at the corners of her mouth and she ran her hands over her stomach and a silent tear fell from her eyes.

After a moment she found herself laughing quietly as tears trickled down her cheeks, she should have realised sooner. When she was pregnant before she had fainted a few times, it was what triggered her visit to the doctor then, it was what made her go to see her doctor on Friday. It suddenly dawned on her that she would have to call Nicola and get them to make her reservation for early afternoon if possible. She had to get the results of the tests the doctor had run on Friday, but she was almost 100% sure she already knew what their outcome would be.

She'd opted for sleeping on the couch; she couldn't bring herself to sleep in the bed with Pacey. Not now that she knew she was leaving him, not now that she was pregnant.

It had momentarily crossed her mind ‘was she doing the right thing’, but how could she possibly wonder. Especially now that she was standing face to face with him, having just told him the news.

"The whole there’s a part of you growing inside me thing...well it’s happening again. Dawson, I’m pregnant." Even though she couldn’t read his eyes the way she once could, at least she had told him this time.