Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Part 9 - Could It Be Any Harder
Karen H.

I stand in front of the mirror, brushing my hair, wondering what’s the point of getting dressed up. I’m only going to look a state as soon as I take my seat and start crying. The images of Dawson running through my head.

Up until today, I’ve only ever attended three other funerals.

Abby’s, the least said about that the better. Or well, maybe I shouldn’t not say anything about her funeral. I went with Dawson. I wasn’t going to attend. But I did. And I held onto him for dear life the entire time. After that I went to visit my mother’s grave, he walked me there.

Then there was Mitch’s funeral. It was like I had lost a father, only he wasn’t mine. But he’d always treated me as a daughter, as a member of his family.

My mothers funeral, it was the first one that I had attended. I cried for weeks over her death. And I’m still not used to the fact that she’s gone.

But it’s not the same as it’s going to be at Dawson’s. When mom died, well we all knew that it was coming. We’d had time to come to terms with it. To say goodbye. But it still didn’t make it any easier when she went.

But Dawson dying...it was so unexpected.

I can’t help starting each passing day with thoughts of that dear boy. Remembering the child I knew, who grew into the boy I wanted and the man I loved. The man that I’m certain I’ll love forever.

I hear the gentle piter-patter of the rain outside as Bessie walks into the room, casting a watchful glance in my direction. The worry is evident in her eyes. Along with sadness.

She hasn’t said it yet, she never has, but I know that she loved him in some way too. We were all a part of the same family, Dawson and I, Bessie and Alex, Bodie and the Leery’s.

None of us ever being able to see him reach his full potential. We’ll just know that it was there. That eventually everyone else would have seen it. They’d have known who he was, but not as we knew him. They’d never love him like we did.

No one would ever love him like I did.

The tears start to well up again as Bessie walks over and stands beside me. "Joey, it’s time."

I nod my head as I pick up a tissue from the almost empty box on my dresser. "I’ll be out in a minute."

She gives me a quick hug and then leaves the room again. Leaving me alone with my thoughts again.

I walk to the window, looking out at the rain falling on the creek. Is it possible that the weather can be in tune with how I’m feeling? Part of me feels as though I should be all cried out, but another part of me sees no end in sight for the tears.

I put my jacket on and notice the envelope that was under it. I pick it up, just looking at the scrawl on the front. Running a few fingers over the tear stained writing.

Will I ever be able to say goodbye to him?

The whole point of this funeral is to help us realise that a loved one is gone, not returning.

This is supposed to be the goodbye. The point were you really start to mourn the person that died. It just never felt as though the mourning just starts here. It starts as soon as you hear the words. He’s gone.

With mom it started before she was gone. With Mitch it started as soon as I’d heard the news. And with Dawson...it started as soon as the news started to sink in.

I still don’t think it’s completely sunk in yet.

Walking down the street, people pass by, giving sympathetic looks. Some stop and tell you how sorry they are. That it’s a tragedy.

I’m first to admit, the familiar words touch you a little. Just a little though, not enough to make it all feel better. The only thing that would make me feel better would be if there was some way to bring him back.

But I know that’s just wishful thinking.

As I take my seat next to were Gale will sit, the tears start to well in my eyes.

I manage to look at the faces around me, all wearing the same familiar look of grief. It sort of makes everyone part of this community. Everyone united in their grief.

Combine all of that with the sad music that plays and the sobs that come from inside, the sight of that long box, the knowledge of what it contains...it all bottles up inside you until the only thing you’re able to do is cry.

It makes you wonder if everyone is thinking the same thing that you are. What are they remembering? What conversation, or row. Something that made them laugh maybe, just not at this particular moment in time.

Gale takes her seat and I hold her hand. Both of us trying to fight the tears as we hold onto each other for dear life. Grams is holding Lily, just as she was when we were here before.

Bessie sits on the other side of me. Glancing at me every few minutes. Probably wondering what I’m thinking. When I’ll be okay. If I’ll ever get over this.

I remember he once told me that he had tried wishing that he could take that kiss back.

"All I've been thinking about lately is how much I want to take back our first kiss. How much I would pay to just let you climb through that window. I mean, who knows what would have happened? Maybe we'd still be best friends. Maybe you'd even still have a thing for me. I just know that I wouldn't be hurting like this. But then I think about everything that kiss brought into my life. What it was like to look at you and know not just what you were thinking, but also what you were feeling because I was feeling the same thing, and then it's worth it. It's...worth all the pain that I'm going through. I want to regret kissing you, Joey, but I can't. It was the smartest decision I ever made."

That day he kissed me, it was the greatest day of my life. I had actually thought that the only thing that could ever top that day, would either be the day he asked me to marry him. Or the day that we’d get married. Maybe both would top it.

See what thought did? Not a lot.

I should never have put off telling him that I loved him.

I don’t really listen to what is being said...instead I just think about Dawson. The man I’m gonna love forever.