Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Part 8 - If Tomorrow Never Comes
Karen H.

There’s a knocking at my bedroom door that shakes me from my daze.

I walk to the door, my legs heavy and he just stands in front of me with this sad expression on his face, as though he’s got something to tell me. Something that I may not like, but really, things couldn’t get any worse, could they?

"Pacey, what is it?" I ask, breaking the silence. Not really sure if I want to know.

"You know where I went yesterday, don’t you?" He asks me and I just nod my head, not sure what he’s going to tell me.

I remember that he told me that it’s not the way that I should remember seeing Dawson.

No, the way that I’ve to remember him is when he says ‘I love you’, I don’t say it back and I have to see the look of disappointment on his face.

I’m left remembering that he never knew the truth.

"Well I also picked up some of his personal effects..." I still have no idea where he’s going with this. "...this was in his jacket pocket." He finishes, taking a white envelope out of his pocket.

I can’t believe what I’m thinking, and I suddenly feel nauseous. If that’s what I think it is, then why does Pacey have it. He must know from the look on my face what I’m thinking.

He starts to shake his head at me. "That’s not what it is, Joey."

He has no idea how relieved I am to know that it wasn’t a suicide note.

"It’s for you." Pacey says, holding the envelope out for me to take.

I take the envelope from him, barely touching it...almost afraid that it will burn me.

Dawson had planned to mail it to me...it has my dorm room address on it, the handwriting unmistakably Dawson’s.

I run my hand across the address as a few tears fall down my cheek.

"I’ll leave you with that." He says, as he turns away from me.

I just nod my head.

"How are you dear?" Grams asks Audrey, as she sat down at the dinning table in the Leery house.

Audrey gave a small smile as she replied. "Do you know that you’re the first person that’s asked me that?"

Grams nodded her head.

"I know that it may sound selfish for me to be like this..." She trailed off. "Everyone else is busy trying to cope with their own loss...Joey’s trying to be there for Dawson’s mother but crumbles whenever Gail isn’t there. Pacey’s trying to look after both of them, he’ll only open up to me. In all honesty, I don’t think that any of them are coping."

Both sat in silence for a moment, something that they all had been doing frequently.

Then Audrey continued, sniffling as a few tears started to fall down her cheek. "I know that I haven’t...hadn’t known Dawson that long but...I just knew that there was something about him. You learn a lot about a person just from hearing someone talk about them. Joey, Pacey, Jack, Jen...even talking to Andie these past few days...I feel as though I knew him my whole life."

Grams leaned over, gently squeezing Audrey’s hand. "I know what you mean."

"I’ll never forget the look on her face when I had to tell her. There was this look of total disbelief. I still don’t think that it’s fully sunk in yet."

It’s been over an hour now, since Pacey stopped by with this. I just can’t bring myself to read it. To even open it. Maybe I’m afraid of what it will say.

But sooner or later the curiosity will get the better of me.

I can’t help but think about how ironic this situation seems.

It was about a year ago that I got a letter from someone else that was dead. Another letter from beyond the grave. It’s ironic that the letter I now hold was penned by the person that read that letter.

He wrote this letter not knowing that he was going to die, unlike mom.

I hear someone exit the house, hear their approach but I don’t turn to see who it is.

"Joey..." Jack says, after standing behind me in silence for a moment. "...Do you mind if Andie and I join you?"

I don’t reply. Instead I just nod my head, not trusting my voice to speak.

Jack sits on one side of me, while Andie sits on the other. Neither of them says anything and we sit in silence for a minute.

"None of us has any idea what you’re going through right now." Andie says breaking the silence. "I know that some of us have lost loved ones in the past, but it’s never the same."

She pauses for a moment, but when she continues her voice wavers a little. "We all feel the loss...but not the way that you do. He was our friend these past four years, but...but that can’t compare to what...what he was to you. Dawson was such a big part of your life...how do you say goodbye to that? How do you move on from this?"

She hesitates for a moment and Jack interrupts.

"What Andie is trying to say is...is that if you need anything and we mean anything, just ask."

I just nod my head and continue staring at the letter.

Without thinking I hand the letter to Jack. "Could you..." I don’t finish what I was going to say but Jack knows. He takes the letter from me and I watch him open the envelope. Watch him take the letter out and it feels as though hours go by before he starts to read the letter.

"Dear Joey." He starts and I almost break down crying.

I’m never going to hear Dawson say my name ever again. The last time I hear him say my name and it’s through someone else.

As Jack continues, Andie puts her arm around me, and I lean my head against her shoulder.

"As I sit writing this it suddenly strikes me that I don’t know if what I’m about to do is the right thing. The one thing that I’m sure of is that you probably need space. Space from me, and even though there isn’t one, you need space from us too.

I know that my saying what I did, may have seemed like a bolt out of the blue for you, but I know that I had to tell you. It was starting to eat away at me, seeing you and not saying it.

But there was another reason I felt I had to tell you.

He never knew what was going to happen to him, my father. If he had he’d have done things differently. He’d have told mum that he loved her before going out, given her a few extra kisses.

And Lily, he’d have stood over her crib for hours just watching his little girl sleep.

These past few days I’ve been trying to envision what he would have said to me. Would he have said or did anything differently?

That’s when I really started thinking of you. Of us. What would happen if I never got the chance to tell you how I felt about you? That I loved you. That I always have. What if I was to die and you never knew?

I had to tell you because of what happened to him...I hope that you can understand that. Dad said that he wanted me to go back to LA, that I should follow my path...not yours. But I know now...I wasn’t following you down yours. I was just changing mine.

Maybe things would have been different if only I’d gotten on that plane. Or if I hadn’t gone to USC. There are just too many what ifs. Too many if only we’d done this differently’s.

You were right to say what you did, that we needed time away from each other. Why does it seem as though one of us is always saying that?? That it’s not the time for us.

I’ve decided to do what I should have done all those months ago. I’m going to go back to USC. In doing this I’ll be doing what my dad wanted me to do, but I’ll also be giving you the space you need. We both know that it would be difficult for us to be around each other right now.

Love Dawson."

I notice the tears welling up in Jacks eyes, as he finishes reading the letter, even through my own tears.

Even in death he’s gotten the last words. Even through his letter his last words are almost the same. He loves...loved me. vNeither Jack or Andie say anything once he’s finished with the letter, but now they know why I can’t think of what happened before Dawson died. Now they know he loved me.

She’d never know how long he had sat hesitating with that second last word before finally writing what was in his heart.