Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Part 5 - Hold On
Karen H.

After leaving Gale I went to the only place I thought I could truly be alone in this house, the only place I could wait for his return. The closet in his room.

"Joey you have to come out of there sometime." Audrey tells me.

But I just shake my head at her. "I can’t leave here...I have to stay here."

"Joey..." Bessie starts to say, but stops when I start to sob, hugging my knees as I rock back and forth.

"I’m safe here. I have to stay here until he finds me. He knows that this is where I’ll wait for him...Dawson knows."

Bessie and Audrey found me in here a few minutes after I left Gale’s room.

I see Audrey and Bessie exchange worried glances. Then Bessie sits down beside me and I look away from her.

"Joey?" She says in a light, soothing voice. I don’t answer her. I don’t even look at her. "Joey...look at me!" This time Bessie says it as more of an order.

I don’t want to look at her. I want to wait here, alone and in silence...for him...for us.

Reluctantly I turn my head towards her slowly, tears still running down my face as I bite my lip.

Now that I’m looking at Bessie, she goes back to the soothing tone. "He’s not coming to find you Joey...I know that he would want to, so much. But he’s never coming back."

I still don’t want to believe what she’s saying. Even though I know that it’s the truth. Even though I know that he’s never coming back.

I just continue to sit there a few moments longer. Knowing that I have to start accepting the truth. That I need some alone time with my thoughts. And in a sense, some alone time with Dawson.

"Can you two leave me alone for a moment, I’ll be down in a minute." I ask, wiping the tears from my face.

Audrey and Bessie look at each other before Audrey leaves. Then Bessie gives me a quick cuddle. "We’ll be downstairs."

Once she leaves I just sit there in his closet, among his clothes. I can still smell him. I still have this image of him in my head.

I close my eyes again, this time remembering all of the times that we used to come in here, reciting the final act of Jaws. I never understood why Jaws was his favourite Speilberg movie. Why wasn’t it something like Indiana Jones? An action movie.

But then that was Dawson, always different.

I stand up and exit the closet, surveying his room. A room that doesn’t seem as bright as it used to.

I’m terrified to touch anything, to disturb anything.

But at the same time I want to sit on his bed, to see what happens. Will it be the moment I waken up from this nightmare?

I look at the various pictures strewn around this room. Not many of them include Dawson. Actually there are only two.

One is of Mitch, Gale, Lily and Dawson.

The other is one that was taken last year, before the prom. It’s of me and Dawson.

I wish that I could take it back...all of it...the pain. I wish that I could go back. Tell him that I ‘do’ love him.

My eyes start to well up again looking at all the possessions that he loved. His video collection...the movie posters. Everything that is so distinctly Dawson.

It’s then that I notice the small black square box on his desk. The box looks somewhat familiar...unable to resist I pick it up and open the box as I sit on his bed.

And there it is, the one possession of Dawson’s that has just made this all hit home.

The crying starts again. Only now I try to accept the reason for my tears, as I lay down on Dawson’s bed, unable to stop the onslaught of memories that crowd my head, here of all places.

The visions starting to intermingle, until it plays in my mind like one event.

DAWSON: "Joey? Joey, no, Joey! I..I love you."

JOEY: "I love you, too, Dawson."

DAWSON: "I'm gonna miss you, too, Joey."

JOEY: "The second kiss."

DAWSON: "So when you say you've considered it...you mean thought about it considered it or just considered it considered it."

JOEY: "So, thank you."

DAWSON: "For what?"

JOEY: "Do you believe in magic? I never used to."

DAWSON: "All our movie watching will have to be restricted to my bedroom, too bad for us."

JOEY: "Well, you can't keep it a secret forever, Dawson."

DAWSON: "What's that?"

JOEY: "How incredible you are."

DAWSON: "We're Dawson and Joey."

JOEY: "For being my friend, for understanding me better than anyone, and for putting up with me for the last 16 years. I love you."

DAWSON: "Joey! Don't even think about climbing out that window."

JOEY: "You kissed me."

DAWSON: "So Joey Potter is sticking around Capeside for some guy?"

JOEY: "Maybe if you're lucky I'll introduce you to him sometime."

DAWSON: "I love you, too."

JOEY: "But, uh, then there's you. There's proof that someone out there is thinking of me... my friend who was with me always. It's pure magic. I guess this is pretty much just a long-winded way of saying that, um... I'm gonna miss you, Dawson."

DAWSON: "For all I know it could be this one right now...saying goodbye to you."

JOEY: "You think every Joey has a Dawson and every Dawson has a Joey?"

DAWSON: "I could never hate you, Joey... and not for lack of trying, either."

JOEY: "What was that?"

DAWSON: "A kiss I think."

JOEY: "Dawson...I love you too...but not in the way that you meant it."

DAWSON: "I love you Joey."

Why couldn’t I just have told him?

This box holds within it a huge symbol of what we were to each other. I gently lift it out of the box...running the black cord through my fingers, unable to stop the crying.

Wondering why he had this in his room. And why I never saw it in here the other night.