Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Part 2 - Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Karen H.

I’m going to tell her...I just don’t know at which point I should do it.

Should I tell her as soon as I see her? Or maybe once we’re in the coffee house. Maybe it’d be best if I told her at the end of the night...before we part.

I almost know word for word what I am going to say to her. Almost.

I’ve decided to start with telling her how much she means to me. How much I value her friendship.

That I’m grateful for how she’s stuck by me these past few months. Considering...well...

Or maybe...just maybe this is going to eat me up inside so much that I’ll just blurt it out unexpectedly and I won’t say half of what I want to say.

A few hours later...Dawson and Joey have just gotten to Joey’s building.

"Dawson, you didn’t have to walk me to my door." She says and I know that it’s now or never.

"I love you Joey." I just blurt it out. So much for the planning.

She just looks at me for a moment...maybe she didn’t hear me. That’s the first thought that goes through my head. Maybe the words got stuck in the back of my throat and they never actually came out.

And then it becomes apparent that she did hear me. The smile that was on her face a moment ago...well it’s not there now. And I can’t say that it has been replaced by that much loved Joey Potter grin.

She’s looking at me and there’s no real expression on her face.

She definitely heard me. And she’s not saying it back...she’s not saying anything at all.

I just stand there looking at her. Should I explain why I’m suddenly telling her now? I have a list of ‘should I’s’ a mile long.

Should I...tell her that I’ve loved her ever since we were kids...tell her that I’ve fallen in love with her so many times, that I could never possibly count them...kiss her...tell her that I’ve never stopped loving her...tell her that I’ve never not needed her, even though I’ve tried to pretend that I didn’t...take her hand...just walk away from this...say it again...palm it off and tell her it wasn’t in the way that she thinks I meant it...say it again and tell her that I did mean it in the way that she thinks I did...pull her into my arms...kiss her...

It doesn’t help matters that I can’t read what she’s thinking...what she’s feeling.

"Joey...I said..." She shakes her head a little, so I stop...she’s going to say something.

"Dawson...I...I heard what you said." Told you she heard me. My heart literally skips a beat when she says the next five words. "Dawson...I love you too..." And then the world crashes down around me when she continues. "...but not in the way that you meant it."

"Oh..." That’s all I say. I want to flee. I should be used to this by now, telling her I love her and she doesn’t say it back. Or she doesn’t mean it in the same way.

But my feet won’t move. It’s like the signal isn’t getting passed from my brain to my feet.

She’s just standing there, looking at me as she bites her lip. I don’t know what to say to her...how to make things be okay between us.

"Dawson, I love you as my best friend but..." She closes her eyes for a moment and then opens them again. "...not in the romantic sense."

Now it’s my turn to be silent, I don’t know what to say. I thought about telling her so much that I never once stopped to consider what would happen if she didn’t mirror my feelings towards her.

"I thought that we were moving on from this...from us. Maybe we need a break from being around one another or something." She’s biting her lip again. It used to be that that meant that she was nervous...but I always saw it that she was nervous in a good way. If there is such a thing. But now, maybe it’s more because she’s uncomfortable about this situation.

"Maybe you’re right Jo. Maybe we should take a step back from one another."

"Dawson...you okay?" she sounds worried now.

I just nod my head. "I’ll be fine. Look I should go...I’m going to Capeside early tomorrow morning."

"I’ll see ya Dawson."

"Bye Joey." I call to her as I walk away.

As I lie down to go to sleep all thoughts are on the same thing...on Dawson, and what he said to me earlier. I also can’t stop thinking about what I didn’t say to him. What I wanted to say to him.

Maybe I should have told Audrey about what happened, after she tried to find out why I was so quiet earlier.

After lying awake for what seems like hours I manage to drift off to sleep.

I see him standing in front of me. He’s smiling reaching out towards me and I reach my hand out to take his. Then we start to walk in no particular direction, holding hands.

After a few moments we stop walking and he turns me to face him, tilting my face up slightly. Then he leans down and kisses me, it’s the sweetest feeling there is in this world. When we stop kissing he rests his forehead against mine.

Then he says the four most joyous words I have ever heard him say. "I love you, Joey."

I smile at him, but I don’t say anything to him. I don’t mirror his words. I don’t tell him what he wants to hear.

Even though it’s how I feel and I want to tell him. When I eventually go to say something to him...to tell him how I feel, there is darkness.

I waken with a start, forgetting where I am for a moment as I sit up in bed. Then I realise that I am in my dorm room, Audrey’s asleep and It’s 12:30am. I’ve been asleep for almost two hours.

I was just dreaming about Dawson...and what he said to me earlier today.

I then lie back down and slowly drift back to sleep, knowing that tomorrow I have to tell him the truth. That I love him too. That I was just scared that we’d eventually hurt each other again.