Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Part 11 - (It's Hard) Letting You Go
Karen H.

I stare down at his earth covered grave, still finding it hard to comprehend that Dawson rests underneath it. I crouch down, running my fingers over the marble headstone, over the words, still not letting it sink in.

Dawson Wade Leery. Beloved son, brother and friend. 1983-2002.

I can’t help but think about what could have been. About the words that should’ve one day graced his headstone.

Beloved husband, father. I lay down on the grass beside his grave, my body in a position it would never be in life. My body over his.

“I’m not running out on you.” I whisper after a few moments. “I just need time to come to terms with this…with you being gone.” I pause for a moment, remembering the time he visited my mothers’ grave with me.

“It’s not easy you know…knowing that I somehow played a part in all of this, in the fact that you’re where you are now. And you’ll never know the truth.”

I feel the tears start to well in my eyes as I continue.

“You know after mom died…I always wondered if she knew I loved her. If maybe there were still some questions she wanted answered. I remember hoping that once you die…you receive all the answers. I’m clinging to this hope now; hoping that you know. Hoping that you’ll know that I loved you. That I still do. Dawson Leery…my best friend…my everything. I miss you so much already, how will I ever cope without you in my life?”

As I finish I sit up, drawing my knees up, wiping the tears that had fallen. I continue to sit there for what seems like hours, not moving even when it starts to rain.

Not until I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. “Joey…”

I don’t answer; I just nod my head before standing.

“Goodbye Dawson.” I whisper before following Audrey back to the car.

“Joey Potter, you’ve been absent from my class these past few days.” Wilder says as Audrey and I walk across campus back to our dorm. “I’m deeply hurt.”

“Okay, normally I’d take this opportunity to have a major drool session over you.” Audrey starts before I can say anything. “But did you ever take the time to think that maybe something major had happened in her life, that maybe your class wasn’t as important to her as...”

“Audrey!!” I cut in.

“Oh right, I’ll keep quiet.” She says, taking a step backwards.

“Umm, this past week hasn’t exactly been the best week for me.” I start to tell him. “Remember that boy I wrote about?”

“Ah, the famous boy. What about him?” Wilder asks. “No wait, he’s told you that it’s over and that he’s found someone new.”

“Okay that’s it!” Audrey cuts in, taking a step forward, so that she is standing between me and Wilder. “If you’re trying to make her feel bad, just because she missed a few of your classes, well I’ll tell you now, you’ve probably succeeded. But I will assure you, it is in NO way, as bad as she feels about this ‘boy’, who by the way had a name.”

Wilder looks as though he’s taken aback at her outburst and goes to speak.

“Not so fast, I’m not done yet.” Audrey tells him. “His name was Dawson. Got it. Dawson Leery. Stop calling him ‘boy’.”

“Okay.” He says, I wonder if he’s about to ask her what medication she’s forgotten to take, because of that outburst.

“He ummm...Dawson” I start to tell him before turning to Audrey. “...I can’t say it, Audrey.” I tell her, tears welling my eyes.

“It’s okay, Joey.” She says, taking my hand. “Let’s get you back to the dorm.”

I just nod my head.

“He died. I hope that you’re satisfied that you made her feel worse than she already does.” Audrey spits out.

I don’t look back to see if Wilder looks surprised. I don’t care what he thinks.

Just as we’re about to reach the dorm room, I stop walking. I never once thought about what it’d be like coming back here either.

I can still hear his voice over and over again in my head.

“I love you, Joey.”

I can still remember exactly where he was standing. What he was wearing. Everything.

Just the same as I remember everything from his hair to his shoes any other time he told me that he loved me. Like the night we broke up, after the dance. Or the night we got back together, at a wedding.

Audrey grasps my hand, waking me out of my moment of remembrance. “Joey...”

“Mmhm...”

“What’s wrong?”

I shake my head. “Apart from the fact I can still see him standing there...saying those words...” I offer.

She goes to say something, but I don’t think she knows how to respond to that.

We stand there for a few moments longer, Audrey taking my hand.

I was too afraid to tell him that I still loved him. Terrified that he’d hurt me again. Terrified that I’d hurt him again.

But in the end this is what I have done anyway. I’ve hurt the both of us.

Now I have to live the rest of my life knowing two things.

One is that Dawson Leery loved me ‘til the very end. Even after everything that we had been through.

And the other has the potential to truly break my heart. The other is that he never knew. He never knew that I still loved him. He died without knowing that he still meant the world to me and right now I hate myself for not telling him the truth when I had the chance. For not echoing my feelings for him when he told me that he still loved me.

Only now do I realise that love should be worth the hurt.

What would have happened if I’d only said it back? Three words that have the potential to change lives. Would he still be here now? I know the answer to that.

Yes.

He wouldn’t have gone back to Capeside; he’d have stayed in Boston.

We might even have come in here for a while. Talked about...us being together again. Us finally having our chance, now that the timing was right.

I could lie here and think of ever single time that things could have ended differently.

After the beauty pageant, if I’d have let him tell me what he wanted to. If I’d ignored the fact that I thought he only saw me like that because I was dressed up. But now I know that it was never about that.

The night he kissed me in his room. What would have happened if he hadn’t kissed me?

He once told me that he had tried wishing it had never happened. That we could go back to just friends. The way it was before all that. But he liked everything that had come with kissing me.

So had I...or so it seemed for a while.

What would have happened if Jack hadn’t kissed me? If I hadn’t let it affect me. If I hadn’t ended it with Dawson.

“Joey? Joey, no, Joey! I..I love you.”

What would have happened if Dad hadn’t done what he did? Would Dawson and I have stayed together? I think that we would still be together. What he did it changed everything. Changed who we were. How I saw him.

What if Dawson and I had slept with one another that night, when I offered myself to him in his room? He was right about that, it would have destroyed us. But would I have ended up with Pacey?

I don’t think that I would have been with him. I’d still be too busy recovering from any fallout with Dawson. Because even though I’ve tried to fight it, deny it, he was my world. He was my everything.

And now...he’s gone.

And then what if he had gone back to USC? Where would that have left things? Would Mitch have died? And what if he had let me help him, would he have been with Jen? Would he have been with me? Too many questions, too much unresolved, to many what ifs...

I can’t forget him, I won’t forget him! I know now that he’s gone. He’s not here, he never will be again. No matter how long I wait for him.

In the beginning I occasionally found myself expecting to see him. Walking out that front door. In his car. Smiling at me.

Trying not to remember the look of disappointment on his face as he left me...not knowing the truth.

I knew his face so well, better than even my own. A face that looked at me with love...with hope.

I miss him so much. There aren’t enough words to convey how much. I wonder if it will get better with time.

I know that some will gradually forget him, they’ll let go. Some who said they loved him; they’ll just end up saying it to someone else.

But I know I can’t. I won’t. He loved me.

Just as I loved him. I still do. Only he never knew. He’d never know.

It starts to get a bit hazy now, when I think about why I couldn’t just be truthful with him. Why I couldn’t just say those three words to him.

Was I punishing him for something?

Or maybe, just maybe I thought that he’d always be there. That maybe the next chance we had...it’d be the one.

But I should know by now that you shouldn’t hold these words, these feelings deep inside. Never wait until it’s too late, didn’t dad tell me that once?? You should share them.

I do know that I was going to tell him.