Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart
Part 10 - I Will Remember You
Karen H.

Everyone knows now...about the letter. That’s all I can think about as I sit here trying to figure out how I will cope with this. I can only take it a day at a time, but so little time has gone by already, I’ll never get through this.

Jen hasn’t really said much to me, Jack’s been great as has Andie. But the person who has been here for me the most isn’t the person that I would have expected to be here for me.

Pacey.

We got into this fight, in front of all of our friends. He said he wished he could erase it all. All of the hurt. Everything he ever did…

“Just you do that Pacey.” I tell him, my voice slightly raised. “Just stand there and tell me that you wish you could take back every hurt you ever bestowed upon Dawson. Including us. But can I tell you something? Here’s a little fact for you, it’s nowhere near what I did to him. It’s...”

Pacey cuts me off. “He never thought anything bad of you Joey.”

I make a small laughing noise. “How could you possibly know that?”

“Because he loved you.” He interjects.

“Try telling me something that I don’t already know. Will I tell you why I feel so bad?” He doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “I feel guilty because he loved me. About two hours before he died...he told me.” Pacey looks surprised. I don’t know if it’s because Dawson came straight out and told me or because he thought that we’d moved past this. The tears start falling again. “And I felt the same way that he did. But I never told him. I told him that we were just friends.”

Pacey just stands looking at me, trying to take all of this in. Or maybe he’s thinking of a way to apologise for saying what he did.

Audrey doesn’t know what to think of the outburst.

So they all know now…that Dawson still loved me. No one knows what to think about what Pacey said.

Audrey comes up behind me, sitting beside me, both of us in silence.

“You see Audrey; it starts as soon as I walk out that front door.” I tell her as I sit on the dock outside the B & B, looking out at the creek. “These two memories vying to be replayed at the same time. Until it all becomes a collage of events. Our first date. I picture him walking over from his dad’s boat, bending down to pick up a daisy for me. Then continuing to walk across that lawn. And then it changes to the other...he built me a white picket fence.”

I pause for a moment trying not to cry. You’d think that I would be all cried out by now, but I’m not. I feel the tears well in my eyes, but continue nonetheless. “He leads me out of the house, jammies and all, covering my eyes. Then back to him standing in front of me, giving me the flower. Telling me that he wants to hold my hand. Back to me hugging him because he made me my very own fence. And that’s all just from walking through the front door.” I finish, as I wipe away the tears that have started to roll down my face.

“Aww Joey.” Audrey says, rubbing my back gently. “You don’t have to...”

I cut her off. “Yes I do, I have to say all of this. I have to talk about this.”

“Okay.”

“You’ve learnt a lot more about my relationship with Dawson in these past few days, than you have all year.”

“I know. And I know that I always wanted to hear more about you two...I just wish...I wish that it was under different circumstances.” She says, sniffing as she finishes.

“Me too.” I say, my voice low, as I look at her. Seeing a few tears fall down her cheeks. “Then I walk over to sit here...remembering him standing right here. Did I ever tell you that you could have been rooming with someone else this past year?” I ask her, not sure if she’s heard that before.

She shakes her head. “No, I didn’t know.”

“It’s all because of Dawson, that I’m where I am today. At Worthington. I didn’t have enough funding to go there. And Dawson wanted to give me the money that I needed. It was out here that he gave me the check.”

I pause for a moment, just looking out over the creek again. “And then there’s this creek...which I’ve crossed about a million times. Going to Dawson’s, coming back from Dawson’s. With Dawson. I can’t go into town without a barrage of memories going through my head. Screen play, the video store he used to work in. The fish house...the Rialto...there isn’t one single place in this town that I can go to, to escape the memories. That’s why I’ve decided that I have to go back to Boston tomorrow.”

“What?” Audrey asks, the surprise evident in her voice. “Don’t you think that you should be here?”

I shake my head. “That’s why I’m doing this. Talking about him.” I turn back to her. “Staying here there are just too many memories. Too many that’ll make me cry. I have to go there until I can come to terms with this. Until it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.”

Audrey takes my hand. “As long as you’re sure Joey.”

“I am. I have to.” Both of us are silent for a moment. “I understand now. It’s ironic, that I understand what he meant, now that he’s not even here.”

“What who meant?”

“Dawson. After Mitch died...he said that it hurt to be around me. I didn’t really know what he meant at the time.” I just sit there for a moment, thinking of him. Realizing just how painful it must have been for him seeing me. “I know now because this place, it holds too many memories. Our friendship, the fights, the make ups. Everything.”