All About Loving You
Part 3
Karen H.

Time marches on, it’s like it has suddenly speeded up and the time I have left with him has gone from months to weeks, weeks to mere days and now…now we’re in that final hour. Then he’s gone. When will I see him again?

I had planned on going out to see him next week but something has cropped up at work and I’m needed.

Has this kind of thing started already? Have we already moved from the “I’ll see you next week” phase to “I’ll see you whenever”?

He’s due in the departure lounge soon and I’m not sure I really have the strength to wait this out. To say goodbye.

We’ve had so many goodbyes, can this be the last? No more goodbyes after this one. Together forever when we meet again.

“When did Gale say she was coming out to visit you?” I ask breaking the silence in the bustling airport.

“In a couple of weeks.” He replies, glancing down at my hands that are clasped in my lap and then back to my eyes. “She wanted to give me time to get settled.”

I just nod my head. I already knew this, I’m just not really that sure of what to say. I feel there’s so much to be said, yet I’m afraid to speak too much in case I just break down crying.

He’s leaving. He’s really going. He’s going to be living the dream.

“Jo”?

“Hmmm…” I reply as I am pulled from my thoughts.

“You okay?” He asks, one of my hands is now in his.

“Yeah.” I reply weakly.

“Jo.” He says as he starts to stroke my wrist. “I’m not sure I can do this. How many times have we been here before? One of us leaving the other, yet it’s never felt like this. How can we know this is the right thing to do?”

I let his question linger for a moment in case he wants to add anything.

“We know this is right for the simplest of reasons.” I tell him, forcing a smile. “We know this is right…just because. There’s no reason. It’s about letting each other grow, letting someone follow their dreams, no holding each other back. It’s just right.”

He seems to accept the answer and we go back to our respective quiet moments of reflection.

Is our biggest life altering moment still looming ahead or has it already come and gone?

I’m tempted to ask him if his life altering moment is still the night we said goodbye before he went to USC or did it change to something else. Perhaps the night we first slept together or his spilling juice on the kitchen floor, my kissing him and the beginning of us beginning again.

Neither of these are mine.

Mine hasn’t quite happened yet. Mine is what is going to happen here, now! I’m going to say goodbye to him and I’m so unsure of where we’ll end up.

The longer I sit here for the more I know it’s gonna get harder to say goodbye to him. My hand is still in his as I feel his other hand cupping my cheek.

“Jo?”

I’m suddenly aware of the tears that have escaped and are slowly cascading down my cheeks. “It’s getting harder to do this, do you know that?”

He nods his head.

“You’d think by now…the number of times we’ve said goodbye to each other we’d somehow know that it’s never going to be permanent. Let’s face it; we can’t live without each other, God do I hope that’s true! But Dawson, just sitting here waiting for you to leave…knowing you’re about to walk through that door in 25 minutes, it’s killing me.” I sniff before continuing. “I’m not saying it’s any easier for you and don’t think of this as my last ditch attempt to get you to stay because it’s not. You’re getting on that plane.”

“We both know this isn’t permanent Jo.”

“I know that, it just doesn’t make it hurt any less. That’s why I have to do this. I have to leave you now. I know it’s going to kill me to leave you now knowing we still had some time left together…I just can’t watch you leave again. So we have to make this quick…”

He cuts in. “It’s not goodbye Joey.”

“I know, but right now it feels like it. So we’re gonna hug and kiss and say all the things we need to say and then we’re gonna turn away from each other and walk away, no looking back.” …‘cuz our resolve will no doubt break.

He nods his head as I wipe the tears from my face, noticing for the first time the hint of tears in his eyes.

We stand facing each other and smile weakly, both hurting, yet knowing in our heart of hearts that this can’t be goodbye.

“I’ll see you Joey!”

“You bet your ass you will.” I reply trying to lighten the moment. “I’m gonna miss you. I know you know that but sometimes it’s good to hear it.” I say as we hug. My arms wrapped tightly around him. Maybe this could be a problem, maybe I’m not gonna let go.

“I love you Jo.” He whispers as he takes a deep breath.

“I love you Dawson.” I say before kissing his forehead.

We hug again. Yeah we’re not gonna let go! But we have to. In order to get back to one another we have to leave.

And then we’re not touching. And he’s picking up his bag and standing in front of me again, smiling. Neither of us seems to be making the first move away from each other.

Suddenly it’s like the only thing I want to do is hold him one last time and I do. As I wrap my arms around his neck again I feel the tears start again. “Damn this is so hard.” I hear him say into my hair.

“I know.” I reply. “But after this we can’t look back at each other. If I look in your eyes again I know I’m never going to leave at all.”

The hug is broken again and I avoid looking at his eyes. “I’ll see ya Dawson.”

“See ya!” He says and he steps past me.

I suddenly get this light feeling in my stomach and I know everything is about to change. I turn quickly and he’s not even eight feet away. “Dawson, marry me!” I blurt out.

He stops dead in his tracks, his back still to me. “Jo?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you just say something?”

“Yeah.”

He turns to face me. “It sounded pretty much like you said ‘marry me'!”

“Marry me Dawson!”

He looks slightly surprised at my saying this. And I continue to let what I said to him hang in the air. He parts his lips to say something and then closes them again, runs his free hand through his hair and then opens his mouth again but I start to talk before him.

“This isn’t some last ditch attempt to make you stay!” I inform him. “I know that all I would have to do to make you stay is ask, but…but you’ve already done so much for me…given so much, that I could never even dream of asking that of you. Not when I know that you have worked and dreamed of this your whole life.”

I raise my hand to stop him from interrupting.

“Outside of us, this has been your biggest dream. I know it and you know it. You’ve always been so selfless, telling me to follow whatever path I felt was right. Leaving USC, maybe not totally but partly for me. I couldn’t, not for one second even contemplate asking you to stay. Not for me. Not this time. I asked you once before and you did what was right then by going. I have never ever held it against you any choice you’ve made although it may never have seemed like it at the time.” I pause and take a breath, ignoring everything around me, my eyes never wavering from his as I move towards him.

“I love you! It’s a simple fact and there’s no denying it. It’s difficult to escape things sometimes. But ever since you broke the news…ever since I knew in my heart you’d be taking this chance, I knew that something had to change with us.” For the first time I realize fresh tears are rolling down my cheeks and I shake my head. “It’s not a last ditch attempt to make you stay with me…because…” I swipe at the tears on my face. “Because the only way this happens…the only way is for me to come with you…knowing that it’s gonna be as your wife.”

“Jo…” He tries to interrupt me, but I place my hand on his and we move towards a row of chairs.

“It’s not a rash decision. I need you to know that. It’s not about my being scarred you’ll leave or that something will happen to prevent us. It’s about being ready for our next step. Ever since you decided - I know with my prompting, to go to LA it’s been there in the back of my mind. What if I went with you? What if it’s the next step for us…”

I smile lightly. “There was a time when even thinking that could scare me, but not now. Dawson, I love you. I want to be with you.”

He still looks a little stunned. “I…well…wow. I always thought that when it came time for us to get married I’d be the one doing the proposing.” He runs a hand through his hair again. “Talk about stealing my thunder!” He laughs lightly. “You asked me to marry you?”

“Yeah I did!” I reply, beaming at him.

He sits in silence for a moment and I wonder what is going through his mind, suddenly aware of my hand now in his. When did that happen?

“Joey, I really feel I have a lot to say, but…but the truth is I still can’t believe you asked me. And I want to somehow reply with some great answer that will show you how much I love you and how much I really want this, but well…you can probably tell right now words are kinda failing me and I’m gonna start rambling, or maybe I have already started. So I’ll keep it simple! Yes.”

“Really?”

“Don’t sound so surprised, you’re the one that asked.”

“I know, but it still doesn’t really feel real.”

“Oh it’s very real.” He says leaning forward, our lips meeting, me gently sucking on his bottom lip. “Joey?” He whispers as we rest our foreheads on the others.

“Hmmm.”

He brushes a stand of loose hair off of my face, placing it behind my ear as he cups my cheek for a moment. Then he shifts in the seat and before I know it he’s no longer sitting beside me, he’s in front of me, down on his knee.

I’m fairly certain my look is one of shock; despite the fact I have just proposed I was not expecting this. I certainly wasn’t expecting to see the little black box he had somehow opened, or the tears I now knew were flowing freely down my cheeks.

“I was going to wait until you came out to visit me, but well, you put paid to that! We’ve tried life apart, and I know for sure I’m never as happy without you as I am with you. I didn’t really have to think about it when you asked me, because I know we’re in the same place. I love you so much and part of me is scared to ever have to live without you again. I can’t think of one good reason for us not to get married. Well aside from the little matter of us living on different coasts…but why should we let that stop us? We both know it’s not forever. So Joey, will you marry me?”

I suddenly became aware of people around us who had stopped to watch. And suddenly for the first time I don’t care that they are staring at me. The love of my life has just proposed and they can stare all they like, because none of them are as lucky as I am. None of them get to spend the rest of their life with this man.

“Yes I’ll marry you!” I reply, throwing my arms around him ignoring the faint applause I can hear from the people watching. “And we may not be apart as long as you think.” I tell him so that only he can hear.

He places the ring on my finger and we kiss again.

“I had already started looking for a job out there. I just didn’t want to say anything beforehand.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I really had it all thought out before.”

He moves back to sit in the chair, both of us silently waiting for his flight to be called. I’m no longer as anxious to leave because I know the separation isn’t as final as it may have seemed to be earlier.