All About Loving You
Part 2
Karen H.

Does it ever amaze you how we have this great capacity to remember all the little intricate details as well as all the more important things?

From the point you move from being simply friends, to more than friends, to lovers. From imprinting in your memory the sparkle you see in someone’s eyes, or the memory of a particular move or gesture, a smell, a touch or a word.

The way his lips grazed my own, how his hands lightly touched my skin, the smell of his skin after we’d made love, the manner in which he held me afterwards, his voice as he called my name as he went over that edge – leaving the world of straight lines and soft colors and entering oblivion, a world of chaos yet sheer bliss. Nothing left unknown.

It’s hard for me to comprehend ever thinking that those 24 hours could ever be just a one time occurrence...yet part of me had resigned myself to the fact we’d never share that level of intimacy again.

I know it would never have been how I would want it to be. So many memories tied to just one event, never to be repeated. I guess we’ll never know if we both could have lived with just that one evening.

As I lie beside him, on this last night we have together until who knows when, I try to tell myself that this one night would have been enough had things not brought us here – but I know differently.

Especially after having experienced it all again. He’d come back to me, well to a world where it’d been acknowledged that I’d over-reacted and to a place where there was a possibility again. The potential to become friends who progress to more.

I decided to do the unexpected, he’d always come to me these past few years, normally when coming back from LA. What would be more unexpected and show that people can change, that I can change, than for me to meet him at his point of return, Logan international Airport.

I’d changed my outfit about twenty times before settling on a pair of low slung bootleg jeans and a lemon shirt and heading for Logan Airport for what was to be my first encounter with Dawson since my birthday.

I ran through the reasons again in my head as to why I was here and why I hadn’t waited on him to come to me.

The reasoning was simple. It was time to stop running and time to get past this fear that I’d found myself always being drawn to.

As I started to get butterflies in my stomach, I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be surprised to see me.

We’d talked a few times on the phone in the two weeks he’d been away, but it was mostly small talk, we were just trying to not fall into the same pattern as before.

“How’s school?” “How is it working on the bottom rung of the ladder?” (said jokingly of course). “Pacey and Audrey have had a little fall out.” “It can’t possibly be any bigger than the one before summer.” “I’m looking forward to you coming home!”

That kind of thing. Neither of us commenting on how I had called Boston ‘home’ or even on when we were meeting up.

His flight had arrived on time and I stood at the gate, pensively shifting my feet, watching for him.

I’d never been here at one of those moments; you know the kind you see in movies, when friends or family members return?

I wasn’t really given much time to ponder over the different ways we could greet each other, because just as it crossed my mind I saw him.

His backpack slung over his shoulder and he was talking to someone but I couldn’t see who. He glanced backwards and then shook his head and laughed. I took a step forward, still not sure of how to greet him.

As he faced forward again he took a quick look around as though searching for someone, and then it all happened.

His clear blue eyes met mine and he stopped walking for a split second and just gave me a surprised smile, his eyes lighting up as I’m sure mine did, then he continued walking. I got that buzz in my tummy and moved towards him, half walking, and half running. He dropped his backpack to the ground just as I got to him and we embraced, Dawson twirling me around, me wrapping my arms around his neck, never wanting to let go. He put me back on my feet and we just stood looking at each other.

“Hey.” I finally said, breaking the silence between us in the bustling airport.

“Hey.”

“I missed you.” I told him, needing him to hear what was in my heart.

“I missed you too, Jo.” He replied and we hugged again.

“Aww right darling?” I heard someone say behind me as Dawson and I still held each other.

I cursed Todd internally for interrupting that hug, I never wanted to break it.

“Hello Todd.” I replied before letting go.

“Are you the official welcoming party?” Todd asked, glancing from Dawson to me, then back to Dawson. “No need to answer – I’m used to the beautiful birds meeting me at the gate. I’m sure we can give you a lift back to wherever you’re going.”

“Actually, I drove here.”

“You have a car?” Dawson asked a little shocked. I guess he may have been wondering how so much could change in just two weeks.

“Not quite.” I told him. “I went home last week to pick up some stuff I had left, visited Gale and she suggested I bring your car up in case you may need it once you were back. It never occurred to me that you would be getting picked up…don’t know why.”

“Well this is interesting.” Todd chimed in, his disinterest evident in his tone. “You two can stay here and talk away the day! I…young Americans, I am going to go back to my hotel room to sleep the day away. Nice to see you again Joey. I’ll see you later Leery.”

“Bye.” We both said at the same time.

Todd looked at us both again and winked at Dawson before turning and making his way to the exit.

We looked at each other for a moment. “I hope you don’t mind me driving your car.”

“I don’t.”

“Well you’re back!” I said, stating the obvious as I fished in my pocket for his keys, holding then out for him to take. “I assume you want to drive your own car!”

“Actually…I’m a little tired, I’d prefer if you drove.”

"Maybe I shouldn't have come." I found myself saying, unable to help the note of insecurity that crept into my voice. "It would have been so much easier for you to just go with Todd. I just never thought..."

"Its okay, Joey"

“Really?” I asked, needing some sort of reassurance.

“Yeah” He said smiling again. “I’m glad you came.”

“I’m glad I came too.” I said, smiling back at him as he leaned down to pick up his backpack.

I feel the tears sting in my eyes as he stirs in his sleep; his nose twitching as though someone had just touched it, causing him to retreat his hand that rested on my bare back, to rub his nose.

I already miss the contact of his skin on my own. Is it possible for me to live without his touch for however long this separation is? No more seeing that smile on his face when I walk in the door, no leisurely Sunday morning lie-ins, he'll no longer be able to calm me when I'm worried by just a simple touch or look.

And to think there was a time when I thought it was impossible to not know where he ended and I began.

And now I find myself in a totally different situation.

He has to go and I want to stay with him. I honestly don't want to give him up. I'm not scared to live without him, and to not have him with me everyday. It’s just that I don't want to go through life for any small period of time without him there.

He turns towards me slightly in his sleep, his hand falling over mine as a single tear slides off of my nose.

How can I miss him so much and he isn't even gone yet?

I know there are other options, I could ask him not to go and know that it would be totally different as to the last time I asked. Because this time, I know he won't go. Just like he was going to turn this down two months ago, he'd so quickly try to get out of it now...all I'd have to do is ask.

Should I feel powerful for knowing I have the potential to do that...to change his course? And what about mine? Could I change my own?

There was a time when I thought I couldn't control my own dreams, when I thought that I was destined for whatever came my way and powerless to get what I wanted.

I gently trace his jaw line as I remember the one who taught me so much. How to love unconditionally, to believe in myself and that everything, even the biggest of dreams, they're always possible.

I've pushed him away, told him I never wanted to know him, hurt him and all he ever did was love me.

I shift slightly and gently lean up to brush my lips against his. Will I get to do this all again any time soon? Will I get any sleep tonight? Is it even possible to imagine not being like this next week, next month, maybe even next year?

All I really want to do is spend this time awake, watching him sleep. Watching him breathe. Watching him be beside me and just continue to remember. There have been so many times where we’ve gone from being friends to more than friends…

As I entered the Leery hallway I faintly made out the sound of someone talking in the kitchen. Deciding I wanted to surprise Dawson with my early arrival, I made my way towards the kitchen, slowly and quietly.

As I passed the doorway to the living room I saw Lily sitting on the floor, toys strewn around her. I stopped to watch her for a moment, noting the look of concentration on her face as she tried in vain to fit a square object through the hole for a circular one. She seemed so determined.

The unmistakeable chuckle of Dawson brought me back to the task at hand.

As I reached the kitchen I saw him leaning on the counter, his back to me as he was talking to someone on the telephone, although at the moment he seemed to be listening.

It had seemed lately as though most of my conscious thoughts were pertaining to him. The way his lips curled into a smile, the way he talked to people, always listening carefully to what was being said or even…

He laughs again, breaking me from my reverie. I have tried in the past and try again to find the words to describe that sound, but I can’t. The only thing I am sure of is that it still has the ability to make my skin tingle and that warm feeling to burn in my stomach.

“I already told you like a hundred times already! The car will pick you up at the airport…Seriously? None of this is ringing any bells for you? You want to know when it was exactly I told you?” He sounds exasperated as he runs his fingers through his hair and I lean on the doorway watching.

Sounds like he’s on the phone with Todd, and not a happy Todd.

“Fine! I told you as you were getting yourself some lunch, remember? You barked orders at the lighting crew, followed by a rant to Damian from the art department…no I didn’t tell you during, it was after…right around the time Mia showed up…” He straightens up and opens a cupboard door.

“…You were too busy eyeing Mia, weren’t you? I can’t blame you! That’s your excuse...Ahh, her shirt was too low cut, never heard you utter those words before.” He chuckles lightly, this little throaty laugh. “Normally you say they aren’t cut low enough! The car will pick you up at the studio, 12:15pm, drop you at LAX. You have to check yourself in and board the flight and a car will pick you up at Logan once your flight gets in. There’s no half naked woman there distracting you from all of this, is there? I’ll see you Monday then.”

He ends the call and mumbles something, opening the refrigerator and scanning its contents.

It’s difficult sometimes, to watch him and not wonder if it’s visibly obvious that I’m watching him. Not just watching him, but really watching, observing every move.

Could he be that oblivious again?

He tilts his head slightly to the side, perhaps to read what the label of a carton says. Then he shakes his head and mumbles something again.

I manage to stifle a giggle. “Is this a private conversation or can anyone chime in?” I ask him as I leaned against the doorframe, crossing my arms.

He spun around, dropping the carton of juice in his hand.

“Hey.” He said looking at me before looking down at the puddle at his feet.

“Hey.” I replied. “Someone have a little accident?”

“Very funny, Jo!” he said trying not to sound amused as he located a cloth to wipe up the expanding puddle. “I never heard you come in.”

“You don’t say!” I said as I crouched down to help him clean up. “So, was Todd giving you a hard time?”

“Kinda.”

I noticed he was looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Turning my head to look at him, I asked, “What is it?”

He smiled. “Nothing!”

Neither of us looked away from the other. Those quiet lingering looks had been happening quite a lot lately. I was as though one or both of us wanted to say something, we just didn’t know how

He looked away first, mopping the floor again and I looked down too as I returned to the task at hand.

I quickly glanced at him out of the side of my eye and he did the same, both of us smiling as though we were in on some private joke. My arm brushed against his and I felt a shiver go down my spine.

Did he notice the shiver? The way I kept glancing at him out of the side of my eye? How my cheeks became slightly flushed?

I was suddenly so aware of the close proximity of him to me, his shoulder touching mine.

“So is Gale home yet?” I asked, trying to focus, to not be sucked in by this feeling, this need that seemed to be building.

“She should be home in a few minutes.” I heard him reply but his arm had just brushed against mine again. “Do you have any idea what you want to buy Bessie for her birthday?”

I just shook my head, not trusting my voice.

“Jo?”

“Hmm.”

“Jo?”

This time I looked at him. “Yeah.”

“We’re done.” I must have been looking at him with a puzzled expression on my face. “The floor!”

I quickly look down at the floor and then back up at him, not sure if looking in his eyes again was a mistake or not. I looked at his lips and then back to eyes. Could I be being drawn to them? Was there something pulling me towards him? My eyes are back on his lips again and they’re the last thing I see before I close my eyes.

And then my lips reach their destination, his lips feel soft against my own. It starts with our lips just barely touching and I wait for him to retreat, to jump to his feet and ask ‘what is going on’? But that doesn’t happen. His lips start to glide with mine, or maybe it’s the other way about, who knows?

I’m gently sucking on his bottom lip when we both move onto our knees. One of his hands is on my waist, while the other moves to cup my cheek. One of my hands rests on his shoulder and the other is at his nape.

Is this really happening?

He withdraws his lips after a moment and I want to question why. But I’m too afraid to speak, to even open my eyes. If I keep my eyes closed, if I don’t see him or talk, this doesn’t become awkward or anything.

“Jo?” He says my name, almost whispering and I feel my head begin to shake a little. “Please look at me!”

I don’t obviously. Why bother facing the embarrassment? It’s then that I feel him brush my hair behind my ear and I’m ready to melt. How the hell does he do that? I’m awaiting the awkward feeling and he’s making me melt.

Oh how I’ve missed that touch, that gesture, the feel of his lips on mine, the moment we’re joined.

And then as if by sheer force of will, I feel his lips pressed against mine again and my eyes shoot open. I don’t push him away, instead I wrap my arms around him and kiss him back.

Could we possibly be at the same point? No more hero’s of bad timing?

Time will tell.

“And so it did.” I whisper to our bedroom as he still sleeps peacefully beside me, his arm now draped over my back and his body closer to mine.

Why do I suddenly feel the need to memorize every detail? The way his hair is ruffled from sleep, the curve of his jaw, how his eyes flutter a little as he sleeps, the feel of his skin against my own.

As the clock on my nightstand reads “03:54” I can’t help but wondering if today could possibly bring us more life altering moments?