All About Loving You
Part 1
Karen H.

The incessant ticking of the clock has been the only sound in the room for the past few minutes. Ever since he told me his big news, it's like this pounding noise that suddenly starts to grate on your nerves and you just want to scream and yell and make it stop.

I can't say I'm at all surprised by his news; to say that I am would mean that I wasn't a big fan of his work. That I wasn't his biggest supporter. But in all fairness I think I was just living in denial for a while, even though I knew that this day would eventually come and we'd have to face the reality of the situation.

At times it's hard to believe that we've been inseparable for the past 3 years. That we've managed to work through any and every problem we've ever been faced with, that the running from us was stopped almost from the get-go this time.

His words the day of my 19th birthday hit home. I was running from us, I was scared…of the fact that maybe it wasn't our time, that he would leave me, that maybe he'd find a reason to go back to the girl on the other end of the phone.

After our fight, the indecision was there, to make him stop and stay or to let him leave. I let it play out the way it always does with us, one of us leaving the other behind. I let him leave.

If I'd stopped him it would have just been so that we could go on to war number 1023, because all we'd have done was argue the same points.

Instead the decision to let him go was probably the best thing I could have done.

Have you ever lay awake all night crying cause the one thing you want more than anything has done something to hurt you, all-be-it unintentionally? Have you ever thought about it so much that you start to forget why it hurt so much at the time? Until all you're left remembering are the words that you threw in their face to make them feel just as hurt and upset as you did.

He'd had some semblance of something over the summer with someone else, but so had I. Why was his so different? Was it because he was still in his when he came back? Probably, but as the hours and the tears continued to draw on all I could think of was, "she couldn't have meant that much to him, if he could end it in a split second".

Which he did.

It took a sleepless night and enough tears to leave me all cried out before it began to sink in. If now isn't the right time, if now doesn't show that he wants to be with me over anyone else, then when will we get that right time?

It made me realize that you have to fight for the things you want…and apologize when you use words to make a person feel bad.

How could I call what had been the greatest day of my life up until that damn phone rang, just a mistake? How was I able to say those words to someone I loved?

I guess we all say and do strange things in the heat of the moment. And I guess sometimes we act on impulse and never think of the consequences sometimes.

I can't imagine what must have gone through his mind that next day as his cell phone rang and he saw my name on his caller ID. I've never once asked him.

The only thought that went through my head was 'I hope he answers his cell and then doesn't hang up on me'.

The only reason I knew that he had answered my call was because I could hear someone talking in the background and the ringing noise was gone, he never said anything.

"Dawson?" I asked into the cell phone I wished could transport me to where he was.

"Yeah" He replied sounding sleepy. I guess he never slept much last night either.

"Hi".

Then there was this brief silence before he said anything.

"Hey". And still I never said anything else. "Joey, did you call just to say 'hi'"?

"No! I…I just hadn't thought of what I'd say after saying that." I paused for a moment. "I've been pacing up and down in front of my window, cell phone in hand trying to work out everything I need to say…" I stopped knowing full well I still didn’t know.

"And?"

"And I can't"!

"Can't what?"

"Say it." I told him, my voice almost a whisper

"Oh…"

As I heard that one small sound so many miles away from him I was suddenly able to picture his reaction. I guessed it was probably the same as the one the previous night when I'd wanted to hurt him.

"I can't say it over the phone…not when you're on the other side of the country…Dawson, we need to talk."

And we did, two weeks later…when he came back, but was he coming back to an us?

Only time was going to tell.

We discussed everything. From what we did over the summer, to what led us to the point we were at now. To our fight.

We came to the conclusion that one of us is always running from us, it was never said but I knew that deep down that it was me doing the running…or the pushing.

So we agreed to take things slowly - as friends.

Why did what happened back then suddenly spring to mind? Was it because the news he'd delivered had the potential to rip us apart?

"Jo, say something!" He'd said as I looked up from my hands to his face for the first time since he'd told me his news - he had the opportunity to go to LA for a movie. I saw the look of concern in his eyes.

"Congratulations!" I said being sincere with my words, yet unable to control the hint of sadness that crept into my voice.

I leaned towards his body and wrapped my arms around him.

Neither of us said anything, we just stayed wrapped up in each others arms for what seemed like hours that night.

The next morning he'd told me that after careful consideration, laying awake most of the night, he'd decided not to take the offer of a chance to go back to LA just yet.

"They want me now when I've practically just graduated from college…won't they want me more in a few years?"

I'd tried to argue with him. "But Dawson, this is the whole reason you were in college in the first place. So you could learn it all, so you'd be better at what you want to do…"

"I'm not leaving you!" He'd cut in. "You've just gotten this great job; we just moved into this new apartment…"

"And the only thing you've ever wanted to do your whole life was to make movies! By not going, you're not living your dream." I'd argued back.

"Making movies isn't the only thing I've wanted my whole life. What about us?" He'd said as he brought his lips to meet mine.

Needless to say I lost that round, but I was determined I wouldn't lose the battle, he had to go. It was just a case of making him see it.

I tried on various occasions to get him to see sense. But half of the time we never even got into discussing it before the conversation was over. All it took from him was a look, or a simple touch and occasionally just a few words and it was forgotten.

So one night as we lay in bed I just came straight out and asked him a question, breaking the silence.

"Dawson, do you love me?" I had asked, tilting my head to look up at him.

"Of course I love you. Could you really ever doubt that?"

"No!"

"Then why…?"

I cut him off. "When we love a person, we're willing to give up so much for them. Sometimes the sacrifice is almost insignificant. While other times…it ends up with someone giving up a dream."

"Joey, I'm not giving it up, I'm just postponing it for now. Only until something comes up closer to home."

"And what if that isn't for a while? What if the chance never comes?" I tried to reason.

"It will!"

"But if it doesn't? If it doesn't you'd be giving up so much for me."

"For us!" He corrected.

"It's not like any move you made out there would be permanent.” I assured him as I moved onto my side. “It'd only be for a little while…"

"Maybe in the beginning, but something else could come up and before you know it the months have turned to years and we're still apart!"

"I can't let you do this…give up this chance for us. You have to go, you owe it to yourself. You're too selfless for your own good sometimes, do you know that?” I asked not really waiting for an answer. “You give up so much for others, always tending to the needs of others. You let me go, gave me money for college and partly left USC for us, you can't do this now. I won't let you."

"It's not about what's allowed…"

"What do you want? What does Dawson Leery want?"

He sighed but never said anything.

"If this job were in Boston…"

"If this job were in Boston I'd jump at the chance."

"See, you want this. You have to take it, because I don't want you to regret not taking it a few years down the line."

"But what about us?"

"We try the long distance thing. We call each other and we visit as often as we can and we make this work! More than anything we make it work."

At the time I knew he had to go. I knew it was for the best. But as the date for his leaving approached, I started to feel selfish. Not wanting to share any of his remaining time with anyone. Not his mom or sister, not even his friends.

I wanted him just for me.

How on earth was I going to cope with him on the other side of the country? I could barely stand sharing him with people, what hope did I have? Would I really have it in me to say goodbye to him at the airport? Would it kill me?

Those were the questions I seemed to ask myself as I lay next to him, wrapped in his arms each night. Even on his last night.

What can the future hold for us? Can I go through with this? So much riding on following ones heart and in doing what I know is right.