Sometimes I read what I have written in the past, and it is almost as if it came from someone else, and merely echoes the pulsing of my own heart. Today I have been afraid of love. Sounds strange, really... what is to fear? Safety, reassurance, comfort, adoration, worship, endless passion, acceptance, understanding, support... very scary ideas, I know. But the truth is, it isn't the love we are afraid of, is it? It is the TRUST. Love is easy to enjoy, easy to give. It comes as naturally from us as blood when we are cut open. It is as unavoidable, out of our control, self-directed. But learning to trust it is voluntary -- a function of consciousness. A person must decide to trust the one she loves, and it is not always an easy decision, because it is predicated upon so many things. Not only his worthiness of that trust, for often he is perfectly worthy. Not only her desire to trust him, for always she will want to. Not only a need to trust, for if love is to continually grow, trust must come also. In the depth of the situation, trust is an idea which comes naturally at birth and then fades with maturity and experience. We learn not to trust people. We learn to be afraid. We learn to shelter our fragile hearts from the pain of hurt from one who has loved us deeply enough to destroy us. And it is the man you love who has that power, of all the people in your life. Only he can damage your self-image with a glance, cut deeply into your pride with a harsh word, or squeeze your heart to pain with his absence.

I find myself in love. I want so much to learn trust and surrender myself to the peace and exhilaration of that bonding of hearts. And I am afraid. I curse myself for that fear, and logic it away briefly, but it comes back like the unavoidable monthly period. I can feel it coming. I know it will hurt. And part of me accepts it as natural, a course of the heart which must take place for me to grow emotionally. But I don't want it. I would far rather love you today, and not fear the cracking of my heart if you should leave me later. How much sense does it make to worry so much about the future that I can't even fully enjoy the present? None, my brain tells me. But my heart is hesitant. And I know you mean every word from the depths of your soul when you tell me you will not hurt me. No one wants to believe that they will hurt another. You love me. You want me. And I don't want to hear that voice echoing through the recesses of my mind, "but will he love and want me later...?"

Teach me to trust, baby. I want so much to surrender my heart to you and know it will be safe in your hands. Already it belongs to you in so many ways. I do love you...