I broke another heart for you today. Mine is, of course, hurting too. You know that my darkest fear is that you will wander into my life and I will not recognize you. I feel in my heart that I will, but what happens if I don't? And what if all this time I am holding out for you and you don't want me when we meet? Or what if we never meet....what if you are only a figment of my imagination? I ache so much to hold you and forget logic, forget fear, forget all the hurtful things that haunt my consciousness now. Yet in the same breath, I am afraid to find you. I don't want you here yet. There are so many things I want to learn, to do, to taste, before you consume my soul in passion. I'd like to spend some time reading, gathering up the things that I think are like me and creating a small world for myself of them. I want to learn great philosophy and poetry and see some beautiful, amazing things so that when I do find you, I can talk about them. I want to share these things with you, and I want them to be a part of my growing consciousness when you walk in. I want to be complete. And if I am not complete when we meet, I know I will not be able to love you honestly and totally. That is a frightening thought. Don't you ever feel bad for the poor men I leave in pieces on my way to you? Tribute to your perfection, I suppose, that they must be broken so that I can await your untold, impossible arrival. Part of me wants to beg you to hurry, and part believes that you should stay away for a while....not come too close, for fear in my lack of preparation, I destroy the beauty that could be between us as well. I seem to be on a path of destruction now. Don't walk into it. But if you could divert me off it eternally, I would be grateful!!