A bloke called Jim goes up to heaven and finds that it is made up of clocks. Yes, just clocks.
Michael the Archangel (who I will call Mike for this joke) goes up to Jim and says:
"Welcome to heaven, the clocks you see around you are what we call lie clocks. Every one of these
is for one person on earth. Every time he/her tells a lie, his/her clock moves forward a minute."
Mike leads Jim over to two clocks. He says: "These two clocks are two good examples, this one on
the right is Nun Janes's hers hasn't moved for two years or so. This one on the left is Johnny the
used car salesmans, his moves forward every time he sells a car." Jim looks around, "Where's Bill Clintons"
he says. Mike replies: "Oh his, we use it as a head fan!"
Michael the Archangel (who I will call Mike for this joke) goes up to God one day and finds him looking
down from his throne in the clouds. God says: (pointing to the earth) "Look Mike, look what I have created
it is called earth and it will be a world of great balance. Here is Antarctica where it is very cold, and here
is Africa where it is very hot, see balance. Also here's another example. This is Alaska where there is cold
weather, and here is America where there is warm weather, balance again!" Mike points to a small island
"What's that?" he says. "That is Britain." God replies "It is a beautiful country, lovely hills, lovely
places and lovely people." Mike is suprised and says: "God I thought you said this was a world of balance"
"Wait till you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them in France" God says wisely.
Bill Clinton is walking on a bridge across a river, suddenly he slips, falls in and realises he can't swim.
He is drowning, gurgling and spitting out water, he is obviously going to die. But their is a chance, three boys
are walking by, they see him, dive in and save him."Thanks boys!" says Bill "I am going to reward you, you just
saved the President. Tell me what you want to have, anything, and I'll buy it for you!". The first boy says:"Mr.
Clinton, I want lots of money please?". Bill says:"Easy, I can get a million dollars to you by tommorow". The
second boy says:"I want some never ending McDonalds meals?". Bill replies:"I can get you that." The third boy says:"I want a
gold plated wheelchair and some gold plated crutches?". Bill asks:"Why do you want those, you ain't disabled?". The boy
answers sadly:"I will be when I tell my dad I saved you from drowning!"
