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An Open Letter To God Dear God, WAKE UP! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! I swear to you, if you were a dog, I'd grab you by the collar and rub your nose in humanity. If I was a principal and you were a student at my school, you could consider yourself suspended. No, God, expelled. What happened to the Old Testament God that so many God-fearing Christians... well, feared? You were a hardass, God, and that's what we need most in times like these. Look around you! Do you see what's going on down here? God, I have to give Eve props. She wanted knowledge. What in the bloody hell happened to that? If humans have this greed and hunger for knowledge, then why is it that so many of us are so goddamned stupid? It's time you did something, Buddy. Take away our free will. Too many of us are taking advantage of the fact that we have the right to decide whatever we want under whatever circumstances. The time to act is now and you're the only one who can save us. Look at this, God! I don't even believe in you, but I've come to the conclusion that if anyone can help us now, it's you. I have lost my faith in humanity. No longer do I believe that we control our lives. With your apparent absense, I've come to the conclusion that nobody has been controlling our lives. You cut our strings, God, but we weren't real people yet. We were puppets and once our strings were cut, we didn't continue to dance. We fell. I have a proposition for you, God. But before I make it, I'd like to make the following very clear to you, so rub the sleep out of your eyes and pay attention. God, one of your strongest supporters leads the United States of America, as I'm sure you're aware. What you may not know is that this "supporter" is really a servant of Satan. I know, I know... you think I'm exaggerating, don't you? Well, I'm not. While you were sleeping, Satan pulled George W. Bush down into his lair and told him exactly how he should go about destroying the earth. He's using your name in vain, God! He's doing so by bombing other countries in your name! He's trying to take away our civil liberties in your name! HE MUST BE STOPPED! What's even worse, God, is that half of this country agrees with what he's doing. It isn't just George W. Bush and the people that follow his sinful ways, either. It's the majority of humanity. That was just an example. I've always thought martyrdom was silly, but I think I've reached the point where I'm willing to die if it's for a greater cause. This greater cause, of course, is the end of stupidity. I'm asking you, God, to remove stupidity. Take us under your wing again and rid us of the blatant idiocy that Satan has sprinkled upon every one of us. God, we're going downhill. I don't believe things can get better for us. The only option is to destroy us. Have you ever seen the movie Old Yeller, God? In case you haven't, I'll sum up the ending for you (though you should still see it; it's a great movie). Old Yeller is this family's dog, and everyone loves him. One day, though, he's attacked by a wolf and the family fears he has contracted rabies. The family knows that Old Yeller is suffering with this disease, so even though they love him, they finally make the decision to put him out of his misery. That's what we need, God. Give us the Old Yeller treatment. We are your rabid mutt and it's time you ended our suffering. Hopelessly Yours, Dave Brown -back |
