Hoots 'n Hollers: Jokes, Myths, & Stereotypes of Dixieland

CONTENTS Dixieland Astrology The Proper Usage of Y'All Southern Genealogy (or Growing Up Double Kin to Yourself) A Word About Rednecks and Southerners Alabama Jokes Bubba Claus

540.Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. So, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky. OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, Possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't bother me about it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over. CRAWFISH (May 22 - Jun 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (Jun 22 - Jul 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

98.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

Howdy ya'll Ya'll Come back now, hear? It is a widespread notion that "ya'll" is a common expression in Dixieland. In my experience as a born and bred Southerner, this is true. The myth comes in when folks claim that we use ya'll to refer to one person. The only Southerners I know who speak in plurals when they mean one are in the medical profession. Doctors and nurses are trained up north in medical school to say "we" when they mean "you". "Ya'll" is a contraction for "You all". The only time a Southerner will say ya'll to one person is when he's seeing two of 'em.

Y'ALL Come all you from furrin' parts, both city folks and rural, and listen while I tell you this, the word Y'all is plural. When folks say "Y'all come down or we uns will be lonely" We mean a dozen folks perhaps, and not one person only. If I were to say to Hyrom Jones, fer instance "Y'all are lazy" or "will Y'all lend me your pocket knife" He'd think that I was crazy. Don't think I mean to criticize or act as if I knew all but, when we all speak of one alone, we say "you" like Y'all.

139.Your family tree does not fork. 407.Your family tree forms a wreath. 461.You go to a family reunion to meet women.

Growing up Double Kin to Yourself If you pay close attention to the words of this song, you will see that a person's family tree can get all snarled up without any inbreeding whatsoever. I didn't say we don't live complicated lives in Dixieland.

I'M MY OWN GRANDPAW Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa. (by Shel Silverstein, who also wrote A Boy Named Sue, and a whole bunch of other stuff.  Sadly the late Silverstein was a Yankee...  He is one of several folks born beyond the Mason Dixon Line who caught the essence of the South when he turned his mind to a certain kind of writing.  Other examples of Yankees writing Southern include Daniel Decatur Emmitt, the author of "Dixieland" and J. R. Robertson who wrote the lyrics to "The Night The Rolled Old Dixie Down."  I spose that just goes to show that Dixieland can't be reduced to simple geography. )

79.None of your shirts cover your stomach. 80.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. 92.Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. 104.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. 126.The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. 785.You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover. 127.Your car has never had a full tank of gas. 163.Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. One can be a Southerner without being a Redneck. And I suspect one can be a Redneck and not be a Southerner, although it would not be quite the same. A great part of being either is AMBIANCE. The dictionary defines AMBIANCE as "the distinctive atmosphere surrounding or suffusing a person, place, or thing." There is a particular AMBIANCE to Dixieland that has to do with the lay of the land, and the sound of its people. You can be a redneck in Michigan, but you lack something. You lack AMBIANCE.

Southerner Defined: Some people will say that to qualify as Southern, your whole family must be southern; and furthermore should have been Southern long enough to have been embroiled in the War Between the States. You can get so bogged down in definition that after awhile nobody fits all the criteria--in which case we wouldn't have ANY Southerners. So I prefer my simple definition below: Bo Dixie's Definition of a Southerner: A Southerner is a person who lives or has lived in Dixieland long enough that the ambiance has soaked in and can't be soaked out again. 297.If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff Foxworthy. 443.Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy. 463.You are offended by these jokes.

Redneck Defined: Jeff Foxworthy has labored long in setting out the criteria for a redneck. Foxworthy's rednecks are clearly in a low income bracket (otherwise they could afford to take the wheels off their mobile homes and set them on cinder blocks like fancy folks do). Much of what Foxworthy describes is just poor folks making do. In my opinion, poor does not make a redneck. Uneducated does not make a redneck. A redneck originally referred to a person who is poor in attitude and who is unenlightened by whatever level of education he or she has. The term "redneck" arises from the observation of redness arising in the neck of such a person when their ideas are confronted, a phenonmeon which is as likely to occur within the halls of academia as at the local bait shop. That is why you can find rednecks running for governor, and even sitting in the White House (the one in Washington, not this one).