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| Have you ever heard the saying 'No guy is worth your tears, and the one that is won't make you cry'? It makes sense, but I don't know if I believe it. It's easier said than done. Cuz sometimes people hurt you and you cry right, but they don't do it intentionally. Sometimes they are just really clueless. But then again there are those guys who are just real fucken charmers. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, which makes it all the more confusing. I'm confused. I used to dream of having a big family, like 2-7 kids right. Get married young, nice house, good job, etc. I try not to dream of that anymore, and when I think about it, I was stupid for ever wanting it. I should have known better, because I should have never believed I could have it. I know that now, when it's too late. I promised myself I would never fall in love, because I couldn't stand being hurt again. But then you came along and changed everything. As hard as I tried not to fall for you, there was something about you that...there was just something about you. Something different. Something I have never known about until now. It really hurts me to feel this way. Why? Well, no one has like ever wanted to be with me before, right. And you say all these wonderful things to me, etc. etc. and stupid me started thinking "Maybe there *is* a chance for us one day." But now I feel like a total idiot for letting myself think that. It hurts a lot because the one time I let my guard down I get burned so fucking badly. Well, I've certainly learned my lesson. It's so hard to feel things for someone when they don't return those feelings. I never expected you to fall in love with me back, but after we met I started thinking that maybe I'm not so bad and someone might actually want me. Pfft. The fact that this whole thing is one-sided just reinforces and confirms all the bad things I think about myself. But I don't blame you at all. You can't help that you don't feel that way for me, just like I can't help that I do feel that way for you. When I first came to terms with this all and I kinda started to tell you, I felt bad cuz I didn't want to freak you out, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I wanted to let you know how wonderful you are and what an impact you've had on me. I wanted you to say those things to me, but I knew you wouldn't. I've never told anyone anything like that before, it was all so new and scary for me. It actually felt pretty good to share something like that. Now it just feels like shit but whatever. It's hard wanting something I can't have. Isn't that how it always is. I didn't want to tell you becuase I didn't want things to change for the worse for us, meaning I didn't want you to feel like you had to be 'careful' about what you say to me cuz you don't wanna hurt my feelings cuz you know how I feel. Sometimes I really wish I hadn't said anything though, becuase I don't want you to feel bad for not feeling the same. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get upset or take things personally cuz it's really difficult for me. I've always been a big fan of the 'little things'. Maybe you're not? I don't know. I would never try and change someone or expect them to change for me. Maybe you just don't realize or maybe you just don't care? It sucks not knowing. I don't even know if I want to know. Like, fuck. You say I mean a lot to you and all that kinda stuff, but actions speak louder than words. As much as I want to believe it, it's hard becuase you never do anything to show it. Maybe it's not a big deal to you, but it is to me. Things like that are important to me, and if you care as much as you say you do, why can't you at least do it for me once in a while? What am I thinking. Fuck that. Who am I that I should expect that or even think I deserve it. I think I take things too personally and read into things too much. But considering the circumstance of our (platonic) relationship, it's so hard to tell. I wish you would just be honest with me. Tell me. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I just want you to be happy. If you do feel the same way about me, what's stopping you? And no bull shit lame excuses. If you don't, I need to know that also. I can't keep feeling this way. It's killing me. I don't want you to know that though. I just wish that you wanted me to be the one to make you happy. Fuck, that's the other thing. You tell me that you wish you could make me happy and that if i think of anything you can do, to let you know. But I can't do that. Why, you ask? Well, because being with you would make me *so* happy, right. But I don't think that it would make you happy. And that's all I want. For you to be happy. I don't want you to feel guilty in any way. The way I have been feeling the past while... I can't stress enough that it is not because of you. Not being with you did not make me the way I am now, just like being with you wouldn't magically fix everything. It would help, but there's so many other issues. And so I can't tell you becuase I know that you think you had something to do with this and no matter how many times I tell you it doesn't, I know you don't really believe me and I don't want you feeling that way. I am happy with just being friends, because as hard as it is to accept, it's better than not having you in my life at all. I owe you so much. I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you how much you have helped me and how amazing you are. I have never known anyone like you in my entire life. I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but I just want you to know that. I would never treat you with anything less than complete respect, love, kindness, honesty, courtesy, and all the other wonderful things out there. I would do my best to make sure I nor anyone else ever hurt you and prevented you from feeling as wonderful as you should. It hurts that I can't show you those things on a higher level than 'just friends'. But whatever. I have no doubt in my mind that when you meet a girl and fall in love with her, she will feel the same way for you. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you when you say girls don't want you. II imagine that it is a spectacular feeling, although I won't know. I just really hope that she knows what a wonderful thing she has and doesn't take that for granted. Cuz if she doesn't treat you the way I would, she doesn't deserve you. I don't really know what else to say but thank you. For everything. For being you. Please don't ever change. Wow, I can't believe I said all that. I think I'm going to fucking puke. |
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