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| I came home from work early today. Was throwing up and kept going to the back to cry in 15 minute intervals. I get sick to my stomach when I think of you together. Didn't sleep last night either... Went to the store at 1.30a.m. and had smoked an entire pack of cigarettes by noon today. Even thought I quit. So stop fucking saying that you are nothing special, because no other guy would have this effect on me. None. You can say there is nothing special about you, but what do you know anyways. If you could see you the way I do... But there's no need for that from me, cuz you already have someone there with you. You promised me you never lied to me and you told me that you could and would never hurt me. What made you change your mind, and when?? Emotional slaps in the face are like a hundred times more painful than physical ones. I know this, I have experienced plenty of each. I have only ever let two men see the real real me, and both times it was a complete disaster. One ripped my heart out through my ass and one kicks the shit out of me any chance he gets. I can't go through this again. Last night was such a shock to me.. The whole time you were talking, before you actually told me, I was pleading with God for you to say anything but that. No such luck, though. My mind is racing. So many things I want to know. Like how could you? How could you sit there and let me feel this way all the while having this life you never told me about? For years. Not like fucken two months or something. Half of the time we have known eachother. You claim to care so much about me, and yet you know what I have been though and how I am not able to open up to anyone and trust people, and you still do it to me? And the sad thing is, I still trust you even after I find all this out. Should I? I just don't understand it. It hurts so bad. I just want to know why. You say that you have never met anyone like me ever before, but that is obviously not the case.. You have her. Please tell me what she has over me, I just wanna know what it is I am missing. You cannot say that it was just timing, that isn't fair to me. There is obviously something she has got that I do not, because with her, you say there was a lot of fighting but you still kept persuing it, and here you two are two fucking years later. With me, you didn't know if I liked you or not, but I wasn't even worth taking a chance on in the first place. You say that a lot of it is trust, and that you trusted her to not fuck around on you. Could you not have trusted me? You also told me that for the longest time you thought there was still a chance. If you wanted me, then why didn't you make it happen after you found out how I felt? Cuz you didn't want to hurt her? You love her and not me? Why is it always ok for me to be the one to get hurt? When did you stop wanting me and thinking there would be a chance? You say that there's nothing wrong with me, but I can't help feeling that if I was prettier, taller, smarter, funnier, nicer, etc. then you would have chosen me instead. You would always tell me about your ex and it hurt me so much to know that you got so hurt because I know you are worth so much more than that, and need to be treated that way,, and I just wanted so badly to be the one to show you that you are worth so much more. I wanted you to want me to be the one to make you happy. But it seems like I was just some backup. A safe bet. If things didn't work with her, *then* you would have decided to tell me how you feel, cuz you knew how I felt about you. Maybe you can refresh my memory, becuase yesterday is a blur to me right now. I don't want you feeling badly, but I can't just lie and tell you it doesn't hurt as bad as it does just to protect your feelings, although I really wish I could. You told me last night that I have to worry about my own happiness sometimes, and even after this, I can't really. Does she make you really happy? How serious is it, like do you wanna marry her one day? Is the sex good? Is she kinky? A good kisser? Give good head? Pretty? How old is she? Italian? Does she cook for you? Does your family like her? Get you stuff when you're sick? I want you to be able to talk to me about her the way you would with any other friend. Cuz hey, that's all I am, right. Don't worry about how it will make me feel. You shouldn't have to feel guilty just because you get to be happy. You told me not to worry about you feeling bad and that it's not important or whatever. That's bullshit. Why shouldn't I? Because I'm not your girlfriend? I have known you for four years and care about you more than I have let myself care for anyone. I didn't fall in love with you expecting your love in return, althought I sure hoped for it. I can't help it, and I can concern myself with your feelings and care about you if I want to, ok. I want you to be normal around me, and not feel like you have to watch everything you say. I can deal with it on my own, ok. I don't know how to feel or what to think or do right now. All the things you have said to me these past couple of years. Did you mean them? Or were you just humouring me cuz you know how I felt about you, but you had what you needed to get along just fine in life already? A long time ago, I had said something about having to make myself stop liking you cuz I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, and you were all like 'ouch that's really harsh'. So I didn't. And now, like... I just don't know anything. Like you tell me you love to chill with me and stuff, but you're really busy and whatever. So I just accepted the fact that you could only find 3 hours to see me in the past two years. I was happy to get that. But I'm not going to beg you to spend time with me anymore, because you obviously don't want to all that much. If you do, you know where to find me. I know talking about this makes you feel wierd, but there's so much going through my mind. I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe you can help me out? I've never asked you for anything before. If you could answer any of my questions, it might help a little, so just think about it. For me? I have to go now. I'm dizzy. Hey, does she know about me? |
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