Always in the background, there was gnawing
self-doubt…. Will I remember to write this? Will I should I/ what if I am
found out? I am here to shout to the rooftops how much I love and adore myself
exactly the way I am…. I adore being a six foot three woman over 40 in a man's
body I adore the fact that there are times I look like a Drag Queen and I
don't care who knows it…does Cher care? does Madonna Care? I tease crossdressers
only because I have made every single one of their mistakes and feel their
fears acutely; I've
faced my sexuality and it has liberated me, but I don't have the arrogance
to think everyone is just like me. I'm also arrogant enough to believe in
the union of opposites; the embrace of my female does not totally exclude
my maleness…In fact it enhances it…I didn't try to be one or the other, I
didn't know how….i tried to be invisible and still be loved…not easy.
Before Darya there was no real *BOY*…now *BOY*is lurking in the shadow cast
by Darya…and new identity yet unborn…. I don't judge others for classifying
themselves or others…we need to survive, we all need to be where we are safe…I
just feel safest and most alive where there is no safety, and all things,
male, female, gay straight bi become fluid…. I live fear that looks like nausea
I wake up again and again in male body so familiar, but that has never been
home… Grew up in football and striving with boys but never feeling home….
Home smelled like perfume, mascara, secrets…. Fear palpable and unnamable
humiliation was truth and truth was humiliation….touching the girls gloved
hands I felt my own, and repulsed myself.. suit and die, so sad so sad…..
Church and Vitalis and what the hell is wrong with me….. My Goddess beat within
like a drum….Tondelayo, orchid queen….large of breast and full of lips… I
walked zombielike to her reflection shimmering in the girl-pond… But the girls
wanted men, and they smelled the girl beneath the facial hair and levis jacket…..some
were entranced by the softness or Lezbos silky net…. Some Boys saw The girl-boy
and invited him to play but Goddesses have pure hearts and vain, too: The
girl would wrap them around her finger but she told My scared shell *BOY*
To run From man-love man to man But gender is a ripple in the creek of the
infinite
* darya's newz * friends * nights * girl stuff/rants/words *