darya doesn't drink here anymore.....

not to say i didn't have fun while it lasted...at least I'm told i did.....

and,god help me, there's photographic evidence.i'm living testimony as to how good the pour was(and may still be)at dragstrip 66.

i started drinking way before i admitted that darya was the better part of me.i was trying really hard to be normal and to be a boy; two unsurmountable tasks.i was weird and shy and all the cool kids were drinking and smoking pot.and taking acid,downers,speed and

anything else laying around.
what i didn't get was that i was female, even though i had crossdressed my entire life. I was still in that "this thing will

Serious drinking at the QM bloated, crazed, numb aka Lep Zeppelin

go away" stage more popular when i grew up; a time when it was open season on girls like us. A time when "free to be you and me" meant you were gonna get your ass thrown into military school and probably get punked by all the seniors...i really liked and got good at drinking and it helped me forget that i felt better in a skirt and heels than i ever felt drinking beer with "the guys".

and sex. geez, don't go there. let's suffice to say i was "unfulfilled". the first time i had sex while sober was as darya.the truth is,darya is why i got sober;i did it for her. since she is me,i guess i did it for me.drinking also turned me into a bloated fat cow, which played havoc with my girlish self-esteem; now i could use a little less, i'm told.

darya is who i really am, hidden safely in the wild woods outside the safe and sanitary family compound, howling with the wolves. She is both trance shamaness and the queen of swords,aphrodite and artemis,devi and kali. She is the me who waited patiently as i tried to destroy who i thought i was with alcohol. the life who i thought i was living was no fun; it was fun only when my senses were completely overloaded, and then my leash would be jerked back by the shame society teaches us from birth.
I was doing a great job of destroying myself even though it was in a big ass house in the suburbs.I would only let darya out of her cage occasionally when i was alone and would dress in a way that made me feel good. finally i was so desperate that darya refused to go back in. Her attitude was "screw you asshole, we tried your way, now we'll try mine." in six months i had told someone about her/me(a therapist) and soon walked out into the cold valley night in a velvet dress and four inch heels.I felt great, and i was twenty times braver than i ever was. about a year and a half after that, i walked into an AA meeting.my biggest fear was that somehow i would lose darya, since she was just a "perverted, sick" part of me. ha.

the whole point of me getting sober was/is to take care of me and me is her and..well i told you already.i'm still movin' on and i still feel great when i'm female..soon i hope

to be doin that full time.

it's odd, but human and sweet that so many of us need to be literally leashed and shamed to feel good, to taste the forbidden fruit. I think mark twain was right: if god really wanted us to stay in the garden of eden, he should have told us not to eat the snake.

anyway...I don't drink or do drugs anymore, and i'm happy and free.
people around me are free to do them if they like: it's their lives and i love them dearly.a few of them may even be normal, but i doubt that.I am the last person in the world to judge anyone, given the positions i was found in by my sisters...for example, passed out on the floor of lydia's with my leopard dress over the top of my head. That was the morning i returned to suburbia to the sound of lawn mowers roaring, sprinklers hissing and birds chirping...a very david lynch moment.

yes i go to meetings, including some very cool gay and trans ones. I'm still bad, still fun, and best of all, even more me.

 

xoxoxoxo yes...this was the dress and this was the night... that's a dragstrip 66 seabreeze...my downfall; tho high in vitamin c! Darya

happy, sober, free and female... http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

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