| oh...these are good.. |
| A couple had been married 20 years, they were a very happy couple with three beutiful children and a beautiful home, and every time the couple made love the husband insisted on shutting the lights off. Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night while they were in the middle of making love, she turned the lights on. She looked down and saw her husband holding a cucumber. "You impotent bastard!!" she yelled" How could you have lied to me all these years? You had better explain yourself!!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I'll explain the cucumber if you explain the three kids." |
| After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." |
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| A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?", she asks. "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...". The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!". |
| WELL... This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no arms and no legs laying by the shoreline. While he began to walk past her she called him over..'Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec.' 'ok , what do you want? 'he said. 'Well as you can see why, I've never been kissed before do you think you can kiss me'she said. 'Well alright, I guess' he replied. After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him over.. 'Excuse me sir but do you think you can come here again' 'What is it now!...'he said as he walked near her again. 'Well as you can see why, I've never been fucked before. Do you think you can fuck me?'. she said. The man replied 'Sure!'. He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said 'Your fucked Now!!!' |
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| A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed. "Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise." "Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked. "Twenty-six," he replied. heh heh...i love that one... |
| HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED... My blue-haired, old aunties used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!" ...they stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
| Q: What is a man's idea of protected sex? A: A padded headboard. |
| LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ... Small Horse- Tai Ni Po Ni That's not right- Sum Ting Wong Stupid Man.- Dum Gai Did you go to the beach?- Wai Yu So Tan? It's very dark in here.- Wai So Dim? This is a tow away zone.- No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week.- Wai Yu Kum Nao? Your body odour is offensive.- Yu Stin Ki Pu Great.- Fu Kin Su Pah |
| HICCUPS A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained. The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?" |
| ACTUAL PHRASES FOUND ON RESUMES.... * "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." * "It's best for employers that I not work with people." * "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." * "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." * "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." * "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." * "Marital status: often. Children: various." * "Finished eighth in my class ...of ten." |
| TICKETS I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn--my car was parked around the corner. |
| COMFORTABLE UNDIES When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear. " Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back." |
| GUILTY In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and will probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a verdict of 'not guilty'." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, they return, and the foreman pronounces a verdict of 'guilty'. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The foreman answers, "Oh, we did look. But, your client didn't." |
| FUNNY SIGNS Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every third salesman and the second one just left." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional." |
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