| funnies.... |
| One day a woman went to the doctor, and the doctor noticed a big blue H on her chest. "How did you get that big H on your chest?" the doctor asked. "Oh," said the lady "my husband went to Harvard, and he's so proud that he never takes off his harvard sweater, he's always got it on, even when we make love." The next day a different lady came into the same doctor's office, and the doctor noticed she had a big blue Y on her chest. "How did you get that Y on your chest?" the doctor asked. "Oh," responded the lady, "my husband went to Yail, and he's so proud that he never takes off his Yail sweater, he's always got it on, even when we make love. The next day, a different lady came into the doctor's office. He noticed she had a green M on her chest. "Let me guess," the doctor said, "you have a husband who went to Michigan." "No," said the lady, but i've got a girlfriend who went to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" |
| The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but i can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the f***ing money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney intedrprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger, and says, "Ask him again, where the f***ing money is!" The attorney signs to the accountsant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." |
| A guy joins a monastery and taks a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors." he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food.". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. " I quit." he says. "That's not surprising," one elder says. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here." |
| A guys walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwhich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwhich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquired, with a knowing smile, "can i help you?" "Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "i am." Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because i want a cheese sandwhich!" |
 |
|
|
THE SHINY-WALLED BOX THINGY An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother." |
|
|
| LATE ONE NIGHT... Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent. Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain: "Report." "I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate." "Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself." "Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble." The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader." The gas pump remained unresponsive. "Very well." The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three." ZZZZZT. WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him. "Quickly! Make ready to depart!" "Yes sir. What happened sir?" "I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully." "Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen." "How did you know that there would be trouble?" "Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad bastard." |
| LION TAMER A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way." |
|
|
| THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR AT A TATOO PARLOR "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." "We're all out of red, so I used pink." "whoops." "There are two O's in Bob, right?" "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect." |
|
| ROOKIE OF THE YEAR A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good", replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop." |