| more fun. all for you. |
| I had this friend named Matt who had a lot of trouble with subtraction. The teacher said to him, "Okay, Matt. If there are 3 birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of them, how many are left?" "Well, none, 'cause the shot would have scared the other birds away." "Actually, the answer is 2, but I like the way you think!" Matt smiled, "Now I have one for you! 3 women are sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One is biting the popsicle, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher smiled and said, "The one sucking the popsicle." "Actually," Matt said, "it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!" |
| How You Know Yer From a Small Town *The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town. *Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise. *You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people." *The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up. on the trend two years later. *You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday. *Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store. *You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town. *Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger. *Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference. *The city council meets at the coffee shop. *Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday. *You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis. *Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart. *Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants. *You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride. *Your teachers call you by your older siblings names. *Your teachers remember when they taught your parents. *You can charge at all the local stores. *The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. *So is the closest mall. *It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower. *You can name everyone you graduated with. *You know what 4-H is. *You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road. *You used to drag "main." *You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour. *You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't. *You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. *School gets canceled for state events. *You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd tell your parents anyhow). *When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them. *You were ever in the Homecoming parade. *The whole school went to the same party after graduation. *The cc golf course had only 9 holes. *You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend(or boyfriend). |
| Things That get sooooo annoying ~You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. ~The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. ~The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. ~There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. ~You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. ~It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. ~The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. ~There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. ~You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. ~You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces). You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up. |
| TWO WOMEN... Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without." |
| A TASTE OF THAT MEDICINE Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts." She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?" "She knows now," Jack replied. |
| PROOF THAT ELVIS WAS JESUS IN A PREVIOUS LIFE.. Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast) Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. It makes you wonder doesn't it...??? |