| fun fun. all for you. |
| Timing is Everything A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No." The man replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Interested, the woman asks "State-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It used telapathical waves to talk to me." The man replied. "What's it telling you now?" the woman asked. "Well," replied the man, "it's telling me that you're not wearing panties." The woman giggled and smiled, "Well, it must not work then, because I am wearing panties." The man looked at his watch, "Damn! This thing must be an hour fast!" |
 |
| A FABLE : A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick |
Sam's New Boots An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat." |
| A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, bit t they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asked. "They only know how to say 'Hi,we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"' "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to so stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!" |
|
 |
| 75 CENTS A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." |
| WORRY FREE Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore." "I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since." "A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?" "That's his problem." |
| PANTYHOSE Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose..." |
| FAMILY NAMES A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious" |
| ..,...... |
| How To Give 103% We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following. IF : A = 1 B = 2 C = 3 D = 4 E = 5 F = 6 G = 7 H = 8 I = 9 J = 10 K = 11 L = 12 M = 13 N = 14 O = 15 P = 16 Q = 17 R = 18 S = 19 T = 20 U = 21 V = 22 W = 23 X = 24 Y = 25 Z = 26 Then: H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98% Similarly, K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96% But interesting (and as you'd expect), A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE. But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%! |
| ....... |
| ....... |
| ....... |
| ....... |